Always on the cell phones

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

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Here you stated you don't feel safe bringing up issues. BIG red flag. HUGE red flag. I think you need a whole lot more help than you can get from a forum like this.

Wishing you good luck on this one.

He said he didn't like his dirty laundry aired and yet that may be the exact thing that needs to be done to clear the air for LoveBirdsFlying, so airing it here does make sense for that reason. But I agree about the huge red flag.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Thank you everyone for your support on this issue. I agree the problem is far deeper than cell phones.

It still stands that my husband is a good man. The way he communicates (or doesn't communicate) is the biggest problem we have in an otherwise wonderful marriage. I was abused during my first marriage, and let me tell you, that man did and said things just because he knew it was hurting me. Making me feel horrible about myself was exactly his goal. He didn't want me to develop any self-esteem at all, because then I'd figure out that I deserved better than him. Although some of the things my now-and-forever husband says are emotionally abusive, and I'm well aware of that, he himself is not an abuser. The difference is, while it can be difficult to get him to see it, once he does learn that something is wrong and/or hurtful, and here's a better thing to say or do in that situation, he will apologize and change his behavior. Abusers, such as my first husband, don't do that.

So it's going to take professional intervention, I believe, to teach my husband that telling me "there was no tone" when I definitely heard a sharp edge in his voice, is gaslighting. Stopping me from expressing myself, accusing me of trying to start a fight, and leaving the room to avoid discussing the issue is stonewalling. These are not healthy practices in a marriage, and they can't go on. But I will need help getting through to him.

 

[Enilorac]

Although some of the things my now-and-forever husband says are emotionally abusive, and I'm well aware of that, he himself is not an abuser

If he is abusive, he is an abuser.

So it's going to take professional intervention, I believe, to teach my husband that telling me "there was no tone" when I definitely heard a sharp edge in his voice, is gaslighting. Stopping me from expressing myself, accusing me of trying to start a fight, and leaving the room to avoid discussing the issue is stonewalling. These are not healthy practices in a marriage, and they can't go on.

No they're not. They're emotionally abusive.

There's more to abuse than getting the stuff beaten out of you. You've said in the quote above that he is gaslighting you, stonewalling you and is accusatory of things to where he tries to put the blame on you instead of taking responsibility for himself. Those are signs of abuse. It took me YEARS of therapy to recognize those signs of abuse. Its no different than if he doubled up his fist and punched you in the face.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I don't disagree that the actions are emotionally abusive, and I have said so in this thread. (I've also said so to him, but he doesn't yet fully understand. That's why I'll need to have a professional help me convince him.) Nobody has to teach me what abuse is. I *know.*

However, I am not going to label my husband, personally, as an abuser. Who hasn't done such things? Have you ever lost your temper and said something ugly to somebody who didn't deserve it? Have you ever said something you later realized was insensitive? I certainly have. Does that make me an abuser too? Does it make you one?

The difference is in intention. My first husband abused me. I don't mean just slapping, punching, and kicking, although he did that too. I mean mentally and emotionally as well. He *wanted* to hurt me and did those things for that purpose. My now-and-forever husband is not trying to hurt me. Once he realizes something he does is wrong, he stops doing it.

All have sinned. No marriage is perfect. And we can call out actions without putting labels on the people doing it.

Any more calling my husband an abuser, rather than simply discussing the specific actions which I have already acknowedged are abusive, will get this thread closed in a heartbeat.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Every time I can recall you coming to this forum to talk about your husband, the theme has been the same. I remember that he doesn't communicate, he doesn't listen to you, and when you do say something, he takes it the wrong way. You have also mentioned his tone many times as I remember.

This makes it hard to offer anything useful to you. It seems that no matter how nicely you say something, you get shut down. Or ignored.

If this were simply a problem with the phone, there are a number of ways to address the problem. But I don't think that's the problem. It sounds like he doesn't like to talk, and he just wants to do what he wants to do. You have been living with this a long time, and without couples' counseling, I don't see it changing. Maybe the question that might be more useful to you is to ask yourself how you can simply accept him the way he is. Either that, or find a good counselor.

@LovebirdsFlying I see that you didn't acknowledge this post#8 but it's probably the best answer to the question posted by you. Since you also said you prefer councelling then the next step is to get him there after you find a good one. Does your church provide anything?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

@LovebirdsFlying I see that you didn't acknowledge this post#8 but it's probably the best answer to the question posted by you. Since you also said you prefer councelling then the next step is to get him there after you find a good one. Does your church provide anything?

I apologize to @turkle since it appears that post went unacknowledged. It is good advice.

Church counseling is one option. I have also resumed individual sessions for myself. Since I'm in it, we can bring this up too. It would be nice if hubby can at least sit in on a couple of sessions with me. I've got one coming up in a few days.

Original reason for resuming counseling is this: My physical health issues, which are interfering with my ability to do my job, are causing me that much more stress. Communication is difficult enough without me being unable to speak at all! Going on a month now. Completely voiceless. I can occasionally whisper if I force it, but of course that's not a good thing to do. I've been referred to an ENT but I can't be seen before mid-December. Y'all pray for me?

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

I apologize to @turkle since it appears that post went unacknowledged. It is good advice.

Church counseling is one option. I have also resumed individual sessions for myself. Since I'm in it, we can bring this up too. It would be nice if hubby can at least sit in on a couple of sessions with me. I've got one coming up in a few days.

Original reason for resuming counseling is this: My physical health issues, which are interfering with my ability to do my job, are causing me that much more stress. Communication is difficult enough without me being unable to speak at all! Going on a month now. Completely voiceless. I can occasionally whisper if I force it, but of course that's not a good thing to do. I've been referred to an ENT but I can't be seen before mid-December. Y'all pray for me?

That may do a world of good as it's a safe place to voice concerns completely and hear the feedback from the Counceller to give credence to what the problem is from a professional standpoint. If he is as susceptible to learning as you say then you must be also. But be prepared to spend more than one or two sessions together as that seems to be the focus you need to engage in now.

Prayers for your health issues!