LovebirdsFlying
My husband drew this cartoon of me.
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Although this issue is in regard to marriage, I am placing it here instead of in Married Couples because given a choice, I'd rather have it addressed by Christians who are not necessarily married, than by married people who are not necessarily Christians.
It's basically a communication issue. Please understand I have a wonderful husband and I appreciate that very much, but nobody's perfect and there are always going to be problems.
My wonderful husband is change-resistant by nature and was slow to warm up to the idea of cell phones at all, until his job required him to have one. Gradually he came to see the advantages. We can always reach each other no matter where we are, he can look up any question on the internet because he carries it around with him, and he doesn't have to be bored out of his skull while wating for appointments. Several months ago (and it was his idea) we finally made the decision to stop our landline service entirely. We had kept it for a long time, "just in case," but no use paying for something when we can't remember the last time we used it.
That brings us to now.
Hubby is a bus driver and is sometimes gone for days at a time. When he's home, he seems to think "being in the same room" is the same thing as "spending time together." Sure, we can both be looking at our phones and then share something funny or interesting with each other, and that's interaction. But lately all he's doing is watching YouTube videos pertaining to the transportation industry, and I have no role in that. There is nothing he would particularly want to share with me, and nothing I would particularly be interested in having him share with me. So when I wake up or enter the room, and the first thing I see is him watching some transportation-themed video, I simply pick up my own phone and start playing a game, or get on Facebook, or whatever. Then we're physically in the same room but both doing our own thing, and we might as well not exist to each other. This can go on for hours and hours. Yesterday we almost had an argument because I finally got annoyed enough to say something. (Note: I "say something" using a text-to-speech app on my phone, because for the past three weeks I have been entirely unable to speak. I can whisper a word or two if I force it, but no more than that, and I probably shouldn't. Doctors are still investigating what the problem is.)
It turned out to be a variation on the same type of dilemma that pops up when we're getting ready to go somewhere. It can go on for some time before we realize that we're both ready to go and each passing time just waiting for the other. "I'm ready whenever you are."--"Oh, well, I was just waiting for you. I thought you were busy."--"No, I was just horsing around while waiting for you." Etc. You get the picture. Same thing with the phones. We're each passing time waiting for the other to want to do something besides look at our phones.
How do we break this cycle? Please note that if there is any "I'm waiting for you," or "I'm ready whenever you are," to be said, it will usually be me saying it. HOWEVER, and this is a big fly in the ointment, this is how it will go when I do.
I say or do something to divert his attention from the phone. Clear my throat, wave a hand, whatever. He sighs, rolls his eyes, and groans "just a minute" with a sharp edge in his voice before putting the video on pause so he can hear what I have to say. Of course this makes me hesitant to interrupt him next time, although if I tell him why, he will deny with every molecule in his body that he sounded even the slightest bit annoyed. I'm not saying he *was* annoyed, only that he *sounded* annoyed, but he will dig in his heels and insist that no, he did not, and that's the hill he's going to choose to die on. Good grief, all he said was "just a minute," and I'm giving him a hard time? What, am I trying to start a fight or something? This too is a recurring pattern. The exchange "It wasn't your words. It was your tone."--"There was no tone," is something that has been said countless times in our marriage. Sometimes I am unsure whether he is truly oblivious to it, or he's gaslighting me.
Of course the thing to do is to have a talk with him about these things, but as demonstrated, mentioning anything at all will result in me being accused of trying to start a fight.
And here I'm stuck.
Anything?
It's basically a communication issue. Please understand I have a wonderful husband and I appreciate that very much, but nobody's perfect and there are always going to be problems.
My wonderful husband is change-resistant by nature and was slow to warm up to the idea of cell phones at all, until his job required him to have one. Gradually he came to see the advantages. We can always reach each other no matter where we are, he can look up any question on the internet because he carries it around with him, and he doesn't have to be bored out of his skull while wating for appointments. Several months ago (and it was his idea) we finally made the decision to stop our landline service entirely. We had kept it for a long time, "just in case," but no use paying for something when we can't remember the last time we used it.
That brings us to now.
Hubby is a bus driver and is sometimes gone for days at a time. When he's home, he seems to think "being in the same room" is the same thing as "spending time together." Sure, we can both be looking at our phones and then share something funny or interesting with each other, and that's interaction. But lately all he's doing is watching YouTube videos pertaining to the transportation industry, and I have no role in that. There is nothing he would particularly want to share with me, and nothing I would particularly be interested in having him share with me. So when I wake up or enter the room, and the first thing I see is him watching some transportation-themed video, I simply pick up my own phone and start playing a game, or get on Facebook, or whatever. Then we're physically in the same room but both doing our own thing, and we might as well not exist to each other. This can go on for hours and hours. Yesterday we almost had an argument because I finally got annoyed enough to say something. (Note: I "say something" using a text-to-speech app on my phone, because for the past three weeks I have been entirely unable to speak. I can whisper a word or two if I force it, but no more than that, and I probably shouldn't. Doctors are still investigating what the problem is.)
It turned out to be a variation on the same type of dilemma that pops up when we're getting ready to go somewhere. It can go on for some time before we realize that we're both ready to go and each passing time just waiting for the other. "I'm ready whenever you are."--"Oh, well, I was just waiting for you. I thought you were busy."--"No, I was just horsing around while waiting for you." Etc. You get the picture. Same thing with the phones. We're each passing time waiting for the other to want to do something besides look at our phones.
How do we break this cycle? Please note that if there is any "I'm waiting for you," or "I'm ready whenever you are," to be said, it will usually be me saying it. HOWEVER, and this is a big fly in the ointment, this is how it will go when I do.
I say or do something to divert his attention from the phone. Clear my throat, wave a hand, whatever. He sighs, rolls his eyes, and groans "just a minute" with a sharp edge in his voice before putting the video on pause so he can hear what I have to say. Of course this makes me hesitant to interrupt him next time, although if I tell him why, he will deny with every molecule in his body that he sounded even the slightest bit annoyed. I'm not saying he *was* annoyed, only that he *sounded* annoyed, but he will dig in his heels and insist that no, he did not, and that's the hill he's going to choose to die on. Good grief, all he said was "just a minute," and I'm giving him a hard time? What, am I trying to start a fight or something? This too is a recurring pattern. The exchange "It wasn't your words. It was your tone."--"There was no tone," is something that has been said countless times in our marriage. Sometimes I am unsure whether he is truly oblivious to it, or he's gaslighting me.
Of course the thing to do is to have a talk with him about these things, but as demonstrated, mentioning anything at all will result in me being accused of trying to start a fight.
And here I'm stuck.
Anything?