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Affair..I don't know what to do

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Sketcher

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Your marriage counselor can confirm this or shoot it to ribbons, but I have heard that if a marriage survives infidelity, it takes seven years to get it back up to the point at which the infidelity was discovered. Don't think of that as a hard timeline. If it takes 9 years, or another 25 years, put in the time you need to to earn your husband's trust back.

As for how to do that, I have no idea. He may not see a reason to believe you now since you told self-serving lies before.
 
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Shulamite3

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Shulamite3

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A long time ago I did the same thing..... Through counseling, even though I'm responsible for my actions, I learned there was a reason why I did what I did. There was an issue in our marriage that we both were responsible for. My actions was my response to the root issue. For a long time, my husband, unconsciously, blamed me and it was one long guilt trip.
Most of the time this happens it's because one or the other is "too busy" to nurture the marriage. In order for both to heal, both have to accept their responsibility for their part in the breakdown. It took a few years for this to work it's way out.
The Spiritual side of this is, this very thing brought us closer to the Lord. We realized that in ourselves we were both sinners and needed to stay close to the Father so our fleshly desires didn't even have a chance to roam....together, as a couple. The initial problem that can lead to this is a breakdown in the relationship with the Lord - on either or both sides.
Prayer, fasting and studying His word, and staying close to the Lord will overcome everything. When our eyes are focused on Him and His forgiveness of us, it's easier to forgive each other.
I pray you both find your path back "Home".
 
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Robert76

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This is a really tough one. Something you mentioned was marriage counseling... make sure it is by a certified Christian counselor if it all possible. I am not qualified to give any kind of counseling, so I'll just share my opinion here. I am encouraged to hear your remarks around repentance and forgiveness, and it sounds like you've been forgiven by both God and your husband. Forgiveness does not mean the consequences are taken away... this is not to say that the life you & your husband are experiencing today is how it will be forever, but it may be a real possibility that there could be longstanding difficulties around trust. As you know, marriage is more than the physical intimacy shared between a husband and wife. I would imagine that at some point, couples who grow old together eventually find themselves at a place where that may be unable to be intimate anymore (perhaps health issues). So what then holds a marriage together? Your marriage has a third partner involved... Jesus. It would be a good study to go through the Bible with your husband to look at all of the verses that talk to marriage and the incredible value that both the husband and the wife brings to this union, and how little that has to do with what happens in the bedroom. Let your husband know what you've already shared here, but that he is truly God's gift to you (as you are to him) and that your love for him has so little to do with your physical relationship. That said, if a Christian marriage counselor tells you anything to the contrary, throw all this out the window and go with what someone who is qualified to give good Biblical counsel.

May you and your husband be blessed, and healed.
 
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Robert76

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This is a really tough one. Something you mentioned was marriage counseling... make sure it is by a certified Christian counselor if it all possible. I am not qualified to give any kind of counseling, so I'll just share my opinion here. I am encouraged to hear your remarks around repentance and forgiveness, and it sounds like you've been forgiven by both God and your husband. Forgiveness does not mean the consequences are taken away... this is not to say that the life you & your husband are experiencing today is how it will be forever, but it may be a real possibility that there could be longstanding difficulties around trust. As you know, marriage is more than the physical intimacy shared between a husband and wife. I would imagine that at some point, couples who grow old together eventually find themselves at a place where that may be unable to be intimate anymore (perhaps health issues). So what then holds a marriage together? Your marriage has a third partner involved... Jesus. It would be a good study to go through the Bible with your husband to look at all of the verses that talk to marriage and the incredible value that both the husband and the wife brings to this union, and how little that has to do with what happens in the bedroom. Let your husband know what you've already shared here, but that he is truly God's gift to you (as you are to him) and that your love for him has so little to do with your physical relationship. That said, if a Christian marriage counselor tells you anything to the contrary, throw all this out the window and go with what someone who is qualified to give good Biblical counsel.

May you and your husband be blessed, and healed.
 
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createdtoworship

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Rebuilding trust takes years and many miracles. Marriage counseling is a good start. I recommend many encounters with husband and to pursue him with everything. Make him feel macho. there is a good marriage video I recommend you watch one hour a week by a christian comedian mark grungar. He will like it. You will too. Godbless and good luck.

 
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seeking.IAM

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Robert76 said:
This is a really tough one. Something you mentioned was marriage counseling... make sure it is by a certified Christian counselor if it all possible...
Click to expand...

Nonsense. OP, if you are seeing a counselor in whom you have confidence by all means continue with that person.

Research on the effectiveness of counseling says it works if [A] the counselor has a technique he or she believes in and knows how to practice (regardless of technique) AND if the person seeing the counselor is able to develop some trust and confidence in the counselor.

Of course, I have a bias. I am not an unlicensed "certified" Christian counselor, but rather a licensed therapist who is a Christian. There is a difference.
 
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the old scribe

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What an enormous divine lesson you and your husband are experiencing.

You may not wish to read this.
There are few words of comfort in what is written.

Biblically, marriage is a symbol of the spiritual relationship between God and His people.

You are now experiencing something of what happens between you and God when you sin.
In your husband you see his pain because of your unfaithfulness.
Your husband’s pain is somewhat of how God must be feeling about us in our sinning.

The fact that your husband remains with you demonstrates his commitment to the marriage covenant made with you before God. As Jesus said in Matthew 19:8 ““Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.” Apparently, your husband does not have a hard heart. However, you cannot expect a mere man to completely recover from the broken trust over holy matrimony. Should we think the Lord suffers no more over our sin or was his suffering just on the cross? Now, you know what sin does!

My dear lady, you have a heavy load to bear on your burdened heart. Learn the lesson from the Lord and be forever changed. Removing the nail from the lumber does not remove the scar. The scar is yours to live with and as a reminder of how horrible is your sin. Keep saying to yourself, “Never again, so help me God!” Some believers need scars to be able to focus on what is valuable.

Know this about men.
The more it is talked about, the more likely it is men will have to do something about it.
Men are fixers.
If it cannot be fixed, men must ignore it or dispose of it.
How does one fix unfaithfulness?

It might be that silence is the better course.
Don’t follow the advice of attempting flirty or playful behavior or attempts to message his self image.
This illuminates sin and belittles the seriousness of the unfaithfulness.
This is not about copulation or your husband’s performance.
It is about rebellion and rejection in the same way as if a child goes astray.
Adultery is an act of rejecting. It is what Israel did to God over and over.
Be humble, be submissive, be patient, be gentle, but by all means be genuine.
After all, your husband knows what you are like after 25 years.

Sin is a terrible thing. Suffer bravely for your family’s sake.

The consequences of King David’s sins followed him the rest of his life - yet, he was a man after God’s own heart. The old scribe thanks God for King David.
 
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fm107

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Your husband may never get over this and it's very likely he will have mood swings for the rest of his days. It is a persistent torment that will stay with him. You need to appreciate that and allow room for that because it isn't his fault, it's yours. It will not be easy for you but that's the result born out of what has happened.

Secondly, because it will play on his mind a lot, he may bring it up a lot. Not out of spite but wanting to always get to the bottom of what went on. This may continue for years and years.

The best thing you can do is be open and honest, not avoiding answering his questions and always being supportive. The best you can do is aim to be the best wife you possibly can be for the rest of your life and rest on God and his grace to try to heal your marriage.
 
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AKAP

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Like seeking.I AM says."..affairs are often a symptom , not the problem."

Here is a a portion of my personal experience I hope you can gleam some gems from. I know I'm in a public forum although these words are here to comfort you and believe me you are not permanently ruined, far from it . You have hope and are still saved in Christ; believe me I know.
I can understand and most probably know some of or your hurt and his; how your heart felt and feels today because of this affair. I committed the same sin after 22 years of marriage. We are working on our 44 year this year. Praise God.

The underlying problem I had since I became a Christian at the age of 19 years was a sexual addiction that ended virtually for good after this affair.. and really gone today, for sure. God disciplined me harshly. I always had a look for women whether on the street or in literature.

I was always to some extend a controller in the family and at that time in my life I really felt the pressures of the world. My teenager sons were rebellious, my wife I perceived as a workaholic with no time for even saying 'have a good day' when I started off for work. She worked outside the house as well a few blocks from the home. MY work caused me to not see my family for sometimes days. To boot I was anticipating being cut from my job when I had invested already 19 years in it. It was a pressure cook environment, not saying my earlier years did not seemed that way at times.
Anyway, I eventually perceived my wife and sons as very ungrateful for the work I had done for them over the years. They were not worthy of me anymore, as I thought. My wife seemed to side with the teens and I really felt isolated. That was the time I needed to prayer and ask God for guidance. I did not and hell broke loose...

I thought I could ease some pressure for all and I relocated my work in Hawaii....I went ahead of everyone.

The conversations on the phone with my wife reinforced my disgust for her . I began to really feel regret as to why I married her in the first place. How ungrateful I thought she was... She was cold on the phone and her conversations and words were always negative and cruel...she kept saying that she had many problems with the boys, work the house etc...and again she never looked at what I was doing for the family....it was an emotion a mess. I hung up on her at times because I could not take it.
Eventually I met a woman in the local hotel I was staying at, at its bar. Soon enought I had sex with her. She was married with two children. The husband I never saw. Anyway I was willing to trade my family for hers. Now how stupid was that. I was in a tailspin indeed... I was playing God with the devil directing traffic for me.

The fog and darkness I felt surrounding me was more that a mental strain. It was a veil of blackness and hopelessness...I did not understand hopeless as I used to read in the Bible until that time..it was horrible.....needless to say Iater after still trying to get rid of her and treating her like dirt, I became the best servant for my wife and children ....I was truly humbled and I threw myself on the Lord and cried buckets of tears, for many days and weeks. God sent a Christain man to my rescue and healed me and cause the healing of my family over time. Oddly throughout this ordeal, I always knew God and the Lord was there for me and loved me. I just wanted to get back home to them and I was being held back by someting I did not understand. I really did blame my wife and my eldest son for all my woes as I became very selfish. My wife forgave me after putting her through the 'ringer'. She is a an example to what a woman's loyalty to her husband should be...she also loved the Lord dearly.

After years had passed at a specific times of the years I began to feel remorse again and wept as I was holding the word of God in my hand as I did some Bibles study. It has gone away now and I'm much stronger in the Lord. What a way to get rid of a nearly 30 year vise....and some major ego along with it....Praise the Lord!!

In Christ, Always
 
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Thir7ySev3n

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Don't apologize for this Hidden. This humility is good and right, especially in this situation. To OP, I would seriously second this post here, as deeds of humility and honour, especially after making a man feel so dishonoured, if done with overt sincerity will often reach a man's heart and convince him you understand the severity of your actions, which you should. As a man, I can tell you if my wife did this for me after grieving me so immensely, it would be antithetical to the image she would have built of herself to me.

Show him, and show him sincerely and desperately that you understand and have genuinely repented, because genuine repentance is never attached to pride. One more thing: Don't rush his change of attitude. It is insincere to be the one in the wrong and then to yourself place the parameters on their response and timing.

God bless your marriage, and, by the looks of it, you will have a lot of prayer support along the way.
 
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Hidden In Him

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Mj_1969 said:
When I was a child in my home country, I was raped several times. Then I was sold into sex slavery. Basically raped everyday. Even on days I sick.
Click to expand...

Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry to hear about this. That's a hard thing to have to go through. I'm very happy God gave you a Christian husband. I think knowing the bigger picture now makes all of us want to cry out to God for you and your marriage.

Amen. This is very well written. If it's on your mind and heart now, then now is when you should deal with it.

As for those telling you that his healing and recovery may take a while, maybe. But keep your hopes up. If you really dedicate yourself to praying that the two of you begin enjoying your marriage together like never before, the Lord could heal things much quicker than in a normal situation. Pray God gives you ways to become happier than ever before.
Thir7ySev3n said:
Don't apologize for this Hidden. This humility is good and right, especially in this situation.
Click to expand...

Thank you, ThirtySeven. I agree with your post too. The one thing I would admit however, is that she shouldn't make it seem like a performance. It would have to be genuine or it would have the opposite effect. But I believe that's what you were also saying in the following with, "if done with overt sincerity will often reach a man's heart and convince him you understand the severity of your actions, which you should."
Thir7ySev3n said:
As a man, I can tell you if my wife did this for me after grieving me so immensely, it would be antithetical to the image she would have built of herself to me.
Click to expand...

I remember a woman I was once engaged to who did this to me, and if she had done those things I mentioned for me it might have saved the relationship. But she dealt with it like she just wanted me to pass it off. And with me that didn't work. I needed some real signs of regret if I was going to trust her again, and unfortunately we ended up just moving on.
 
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jimmyjimmy

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I would never "get over" that, if my wife had done it to me, and I don't imagine you or anyone else would either. The betrayal of a spouse is the worst betrayal of all because marriage is the most intimate relationship of all.

You can't fix this, so you should stop trying. There is no peace you could do to undo what you've done.

Here's what you should do: Receive God's forgiveness, and if your husband has offered his, receive that too. Forgiveness, not fixing, is the only way forward.
 
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paul becke

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Mj, I very much admire the advice given to you by paul1149. I was going to write something along similar lines, since nothing (at all) happens by accident, and God's providence is never derailed - though we can seldom see things from the perspective of eternity ; we struggle with it, when we are 'under the blackjack', so to speak. But nevertheless, our crosses and brokenness are, indeed, gifts from God.

The strange thing that strikes me about your post is that, in your own personal ways, you both seem strong individuals, as well as a couple - most notably given your own extraordinary hard life, which must have sapped your self-esteem no end. It strikes me that when your husband had heard about it from you, he appreciated that you had had a mountain to climb, and came near the top without much in the way of 'climbing gear', having been robbed of it.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given is that everything takes time. Don't fret about it, now that you've found out how strong 'hubby' is, 'when push comes to shove', and he's as determined to help you, as much as you are to help him. And since he knows about the hideous time you went through earlier in your life, he is already finding it easier not to fret. He probably feels more sorry for you now, than you feel for him. The physical side of the conjugal stuff will take care of itself in due course, now that his mind is in a better place concerning the actual truth. It seems clear from your post that he has been a better lover than 'fly-boy'.

How fortunate for my wife and I that we found each other. We were both hopeless in that department ! But we loved each other very dearly, and our self-esteem was never a factor. She was beautiful in any case, so a major pheromonal additive might have taken me to an early grave. It's an ill wind....!
 
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Galilee63

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The situation is that satan attacked you with His evil spirits a long time ago when young using males to violate you and you did not recover from this

Nevertheless to beat satan and most Importantly to love please thank and receive Jesus more deeply into your heart you need to approach Jesus and His Fount of Mercy being sorry to Jesus first and this man second

Always Jesus God Holy Spirit first and the person second to say sorry

In Holy Confession to Jesus in His Holy Sacred Presence in His Holy Confessional through one of His Good Priests and there are thousands of them in God

Then you kneel in front of Jesus in humility and pray to Jesus and Holy Spirit and to Holy Mother Mary asking for Holy Spirit and Holy Mother Mary's help repenting to Jesus in trust and for His Loving Holy Guidance in your Marriage in Jesus God and Holy Spirit

How do you know what God our Heavenly Father has planned for you through and with Jesus after heartfelt repentance to Jesus in Holy Confession?

After Jesus has forgiven you all of your sins illuminated by Holy Spirit you must trust in Jesus and offer up your life heart soul immersing them in His Sacred Wounds praying to Jesus as a suggestion His Holy Wound Chaplet and if you read Jesus Holy Words to Saint Marie Chambon you will realise that Jesus is number One and should be in your heart with any other person heart soul second led by Jesus in you to do His Holy Will serving Jesus God Holy Spirit first not your husband first
 
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Galilee63

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There are two in the Marriage with Jesus God and Holy Spirit

Has your earthly husband been to Confession from his heart to Jesus as yet?

You see Jesus is our real Holy Spouse in God our Heavenly Divine Majesty and first and foremost your deep remorse must and should be to Jesus Whom in His deep unfathomable Love and Mercy awaits your heart my heart and every persons heart to repent our sins both mortal and venal to Him in Holy Confession for many Holy Reasons the first being that Jesus suffered and died for you and us

Next of all offer up your earthly time for Jesus reuniting your heart with Him in complete trust after praying to Jesus Holy Spirit God and ask with Jesus for our Blessed Virgin Mother Mary's Loving Holy Intercession as Jesus said to Saint Marie Martha Chambon Saint Faustina Saint Dominic Saint Gertrude Saint Catherine of Sienna Saint Gemma Galvani Saint Therese And the hundreds of Saints Nuns Jesus has in fact appeared to and delivered His own Holy Prayers in God our Heavenly Father and Holy Spirit three being Jesus Divine Mercy Chaplet and Holy Wound Chaplet and The Most Holy Rosary of which God stated Himself is "mans greatest weapon against satan" and mans last mean/s of Salvarion with of course Jesus Divine Mercy Chaplet and Novena and Jesus Holy Wound Chaplet immersing your husbands heart and soul in Jesus Sacred Wounds for Jesus Healing For Gods Holy Loving Healing Strength and Graces and it will happen if you trust in Jesus and pray to Him after Holy Confession to Jesus from your heart all in Jesus Holy Will

Your soul needs to be cleaned purified of this stain first to remove the blocks in your Unity with Jesus God and Holy Spirit

If not Catholic then go and repent to Jesus through a Minister if not through a Minister then one on ONE to Jesus in front of Him and His Cross in a quiet room without distraction or noise

The Sign of the Cross
7 Our Fathers
7 Hail Marys
7 Glory Be's

While thinking about Jesus and His Bitter Passion Sorrows and sufferings seeing our wicked horrible sins hurting God and others when in The Garden of Agony before His Arrest in His Holy Will to fulfill Gods Holy Will and Holy Scriptures and to give mankind the opportunity to receive His Mercy now and at the hour of death for those turning to Jesus in repentance of sins in remorse before passing over to be judged by Jesus in His Mercy for those having repented to Him or God in His Loving Strictness without Mercy if not through Jesus with and in God and Holy Spirit

Your husband needs to also go to Holy Confession with what he is dealing with right now for his soul now and eternally and for Jesus healing more quickly powerfully and greatly nothing is instantaneous without Jesus and His Mercy and we suffer from wrongdoings most of us without repentance to Jesus

Pray for your husband and pray together offering up both of your sufferings to Jesus for all of the Holy Souls in Purgatory and doe all souls on their way to eternal damnation so good comes out of this and Jesus can use both of your sufferings for The Holy Souls to enter Heaven being purified cleaned more quickly and for those nearing Heaven some there for 20 30 40 years in worst indescribable sufferings for sins unrepented in remorse to Jesus God Holy Spirit
 
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Galilee63

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own your sin until repentance to Jesus in deep remorse but do realise that many people do not acknowledge their sins and make light of them until with shock horror will realise that Jesus God and Holy Spirit cannot receive souls into Heaven at all stained nor many can be received into Holy Purgatory without having turned to Jesus at all from hearts during lives and trusting in Him because distrust Jesus said tears at His Heart

Therefore start repenting to Jesus and start offering up your sufferings in joy to Jesus to please Him for Jesus Lovimg Holy Intentions and for all soul salvation for all of the Holy Souls in Purgatory for all souls passing over for their salvation trusting and talking to Jesus through Holy Spirit and Holy Mother Mary of God

God knows our hearts every bit of them and during prayer ensure you go deep and deeper in remorse to Jesus during repentance to Him because Jesus loves humility in Holy Confession to Him not just from the mind and you will know when Jesus has forgiven you

Holy Spirit reveals this in your heart

Then Consecrate your husbands heart soul to Jesus Sacred Heart and to Mother Mary's Holy Immaculate Heart they are together united in ONE in God two Holy Hearts intertwined and next to one another with Jesus asking hearts to turn to Him and to Holy Mother Mary to His Saints Nuns as Mother Mary has Jesus Lovimg Holy Graces to bestow through God Himself through Jesus and His Holy Sacred Precious Blood in His Holy Two Rays upon us during Holy Confession and Holy Communion in His Holy Presence too long to explain
 
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Galilee63

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When you suffer along the way on your journey with our Lord Jesus feel and know and think of Jesus Sorrows and Sufferings His Humiliations then remember Saint Holy Mary Magdalene whom Jesus had as His Follower in His Holy in God Teachings forgiving her the sins she had committed then filled with The Holy Spirit she felt bad guilty remorseful and Jesus God Holy Spirit forgave her and she was then called to be with Jesus in His Life His Holy Sacred Heart and turn over a new leaf page to spread Gods Holy Word with Ruth Susanna Mother Mary and all of Jesus Holy Disciples when Jesus was alive and when Jesus had ascended into Heaven

Call upon Holy Mother Mary and Holy Saint Mary Magdalene to pray for you and your earthly husband to assist you guiding you in Holy Spirit and call upon your Saint of your middle Christian Name God Gifted you in His Holy Baptism to pray to Jesus God and Holy Spirit daily

Further you have been gifted by Jesus to have your soul saved through His Mercy to repent to Him now before you ever pass over for Gods strict Judgement and serve Him in Holy Will and Holy Ways and most often we suffer and spouses on earth suffer greatly before we do repent to Jesus that removes the block the ice to be melted in our hearts to receive Him into our hearts and then to serve Him in His Love Mercy Compassion Goodness Righteousness and to assist others daily in our lives

Offer up the whole situation immersing your hearts and souls in Jesus Sacred Wounds for healing beseeching God to look through His Son Jesus Holy Sacred Wounds The Most Holy Face of Jesus and through His Bitter Passion then wait in Humility for Jesus Gods Holy Response Trust trust trust in Jesus that He is there waiting listening and will respond
 
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Landon Caeli

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If my wife did to me what you did to your husband, I would divorce her instantly. I think youre lucky that your husband is a patient man.
 
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