Affair..I don't know what to do

[Mj_1969]

I stepped out on God. I was married to my husband for 25 years when it happened. I started into an online affair with an old coworker. Then it turned physical. We only met three times in the two years the affair lasted. It wasn't really a love affair. I admit I fell for him the first few months but after the second time we had sex I was ready to end it. But I didn't know how. I was scared to. He basically used me for sex and dirty pictures. My husband found out and was devistated. I couldn't believe I hurt my husband so much. I am so sorry, ashamed and humiliated. I have asked him and God for forgiveness. I am doing everything I can think of to fix my mistake. But my husband read our text messages and saw the pictures. We are going to M/C and things are looking up. But the text messages took a toll on his ego. My affair partner wasn't great in bed. But he always asked Everytime he texted and I just played along and I would tell him he was good. My husband never got over that. My husband is by far a better lover but this just killed his sexual ego. It's been 2 1/2 years now and he still has break downs. Depression. I feel so bad about this. What can I do or say to him to help him? We never had any problems in the bedroom. But now he feels second best. I can't take it anymore. I need to do or say something to help but I can't think of anything. How can I make him feel he's better than the jerk I had an affair with? It's like he has lost his manhood which I understand I am to blame for that. I pray every night God will heal us. This was all my fault and I'm lost on what to do.

 

[Hidden In Him]

My dear, you need to pour your heart and soul into your husband now. Presents continually. Gifts. Flowers. Dressing for him in the bedroom. In short, give so much attention to him that he has no choice but to believe he is the only one.

And compliment him on every manly thing he does. If necessary - I know this will sound extreme, but you asked for advice - get down on your hands and knees before him and beg him for his forgiveness. Confess what you are telling us. Seeing you do so in that position may be just enough to make him believe. I know that might sound rough, but you may have to go to extreme measures to prove you really love him now.

Best wishes, and please put this up in the Prayer Forum. I'm sure there will be some willing to go to God for you over your situation.

In Christ,
Hidden

 

[Hidden In Him]

If you feel the direction of abasing yourself won't work (it will help if it's done at the right time, like when he's feeling hurt), you should also flirt with him more. Tell him he's cute or handsome when he looks good in something (even if he doesn't). Give him pinches. Tickle him. Get him going. You have to build the man's confidence up again, and it sounds like you would have no problems doing this if you really put your mind to it.

God bless. Hope this helps.

 

[Dave G.]

He won't believe you are sincere for some time, even doing those things mentioned above. The best thing at this point is pure honesty in your love for him. And your love for God. You sinned before God first off in the list of priorities and hurt your husband for sure . You want my opinion on what the best thing will be for you both , is pray together, read the bible together, go to church together. Do nice things for each other yes, but sincerely. You two need to get your love life together "In Christ" as well, become united as one . My first wife was a cheater big time and wanted divorce. She cheated on the next husband too. Tell you what , I've long since forgiven her but I won't forget the heart ache. But if she would come to Jesus Christ I would rejoice with her, that is more important than our marriage was to me !! Seriously. It's the betrayal not the sex act that hurts the most. And you need to fix that cheating heart, it's part of the old sin nature and could crop up again. Staying fixed on Jesus Christ and on each other in Jesus Christ is the best hope.

You will find the compassion for one another in Jesus, your husband will find his forgiveness of you in Jesus, believe it !

 

[Truthfrees]

MOD HAT

moving to christian advice as per sop

 

[Truthfrees]

o dear sister

in the name of Jesus praying for God's amazing intervention to heal your husband and you and your marriage so deeply and thoroughly that it will be as though it never happened

 

[Hidden In Him]

One more thing you might try is to do some things together with him that only the two of you did together and enjoyed. This would be a subtle way of saying to him that what you had together with him alone is still very special.

And btw, my apologies if my initial posts were a little extreme. Your husband may be a different man entirely, for whom such gestures might not be all that helpful.

I would defer to the post by @Dave G. as being admittedly the better, more spiritually-focused response.

 

[LoveGodsWord]

I would suggest bringing marriage problems to other people without your husband is a mistake and will only make things worse if he finds out. I think you should take it to God in prayer. If any man lack wisdom...... God will guide you and help you and he is the only one that can truly help you. God bless

 

[anna ~ grace]

This is not about sex. It's about his ego, and heart.

You broke his heart. He needs to hear that from you, that you understand how deeply your adultery hurt him, and that you are sorry for that. Covering up pain with flirting or flattery is not imho the best means of helping your marriage.

He needs to hear that what you did hurt him deeply, that you admit that his pain is real and valid, and he needs to hear that you can in some way understand that.

That is where I would start. Sexual sin brings a unique and very, very deep kind of pain. Be honest with him. He needs that from you now.

Also be aware that healing for him may take years. It will be a likely slow road.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Bring Christ along with you on that road. He is your only means of healing both of you.

 

[quietpraiyze]

I stepped out on God. I was married to my husband for 25 years when it happened. I started into an online affair with an old coworker. Then it turned physical. We only met three times in the two years the affair lasted. It wasn't really a love affair. I admit I fell for him the first few months but after the second time we had sex I was ready to end it. But I didn't know how. I was scared to. He basically used me for sex and dirty pictures. My husband found out and was devistated. I couldn't believe I hurt my husband so much. I am so sorry, ashamed and humiliated. I have asked him and God for forgiveness. I am doing everything I can think of to fix my mistake. But my husband read our text messages and saw the pictures. We are going to M/C and things are looking up. But the text messages took a toll on his ego. My affair partner wasn't great in bed. But he always asked Everytime he texted and I just played along and I would tell him he was good. My husband never got over that. My husband is by far a better lover but this just killed his sexual ego. It's been 2 1/2 years now and he still has break downs. Depression. I feel so bad about this. What can I do or say to him to help him? We never had any problems in the bedroom. But now he feels second best. I can't take it anymore. I need to do or say something to help but I can't think of anything. How can I make him feel he's better than the jerk I had an affair with? It's like he has lost his manhood which I understand I am to blame for that. I pray every night God will heal us. This was all my fault and I'm lost on what to do.

This might really seem simplistic but have you asked your husband what you can do to make it right? If your husband is in unforgiveness then you may have to ride it out until he's tired of living like that. You hurt him very deeply and it's going to take time for him to heal. Pay attention to the small things like eye contact, holding hands, real conversations, etc. Work on building your intimacy back. Intimacy is not always sexual. How often do the two of you pray together?

 

[rjs330]

I understand your frustrations over this. But if you have repented from your failure then the rest is between him and God. You have to be able to deal with him during this time. You have no right to leave him for he did nothing wrong. What you must do is just continue to love him and show him your love in kindness and gentleness and humility. It's not easy and you will probably miss the mark more than once, but if you love him you won't give up. Something this serious is not easy to get over. But with God's help it can be done. He does need to forgive you if you are repentant. Failing to do so is just as bad as your failing. So please be as patient with him as you want him to be with you. It's a two way street and you both will fail as you walk this road, but never give up. In time if you both do your part God can heal what was broken.

 

[Albion]

A lot of these answers seem to me to be generally on the right course. Time is the main thing that is on your side. Since the marriage hasn't ended so far, which would have happened with many other couples in a similar situation, make the most of it by apologizing, etc. and doing many things together that are fun and frivolous. Be comfortable with each other in ways that do not relate directly ito the idea of the marriage commitment or intimacy.

Of course you've already said how sorry you are, etc. But the blow to his self-worth is huge, and it's possible that he'll never get over it. The chance that he will, however, lies with the passage of time. For sure, any exceptional show of sexual attention coming from you in the short run, unsolicited by him, is likely to remind him of images of you being with another man, so be careful about that.

 

[Mj_1969]

Thank you so very much. So many answers I'm so happy. My husband says he won't divorce me. He said he promised me and God for better or worse. I haven't been a good wife. I must confess I have kept secrets from him. When I was a child in my home country, I was raped several times. Then I was sold into sex slavery. Basically raped everyday. Even on days I sick. I was able to go to church and I would pray God give me a husband. Well one day I met him. I managed to run away and soon met my husband. And he married me so God answered my prayer. But I kept those secret will me. I see now how it affected my life and marrage. My M/C said I have low self esteem. At the time I was starting menopause and I had lot of depression. So I guess I fall for the love bombing from this other man. I let the devil into my life. Not an excuse tho. But I have been learning to communicate better but still not very good. My husband knows my past now and he's been great supporting me. I really screwed up. I guess I'm lucky god gave me a Christian man. Otherwise I be homeless on the street. I will take your advice. I thank you all. I pray God will heal his heart. We stopped going to church. He just didn't want to go. But we will go back. I hold his hand and pray every night. He prays alone. To himself. I will work harder. I know God has forgiven me even if I not worth it.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Thank you for sharing with us about your past. Still, be there for him. Give him time. And exactly what you mentioned, pray together, and worship together, and follow Christ together.

 

[Dave G.]

Well God apparently thinks you are worth it !! We have such a forgiving Father but we humans aren't as quick to respond. If you are honest with your husband going forward there is real hope for your marriage, that affair might well be made good in your life by God, by bringing a more clear understanding between you and your husband. It takes a lot to admit your mistake and I'm sure to speak of your past with him. That speaks of your true worth more than making the mistake does, as long as you are doing so honestly. Move forward in the name of Jesus together and let Him bless your marriage as time goes on..

 

[seeking.IAM]

In my experience, some aggrieved partners are able to get past an affair and some never can. There isn't much you can do about how your husband feels; that is up to him to sort out or not. The only thing you can do something about is yourself. In my experience, the most significant impact of an affair is the breach of trust. The thing about trust is that it can be lost in a heartbeat, but takes time to build and even longer to re-build. I think the best thing to be done by a person who participated in an affair is to ensure every action going forward is one that focuses on re-building trust. That means things like being open and disclosing about where you are, what you are doing, with whom you are doing it, etc. Allow his questions and suspicions without being defensive. Answer his questions. Let him read your texts and email if he asks. You made a mistake; you owe him that to put his mind at ease. And, then it takes time. Your world won't change over night.

Finally, affairs are often a symptom, not the problem. Don't neglect the problems in your marriage that may have contributed to your submitting to the temptation of an affair. Ensure that you are working on the underlying problems with your marriage counselor.

 

[LoricaLady]

I stepped out on God. I was married to my husband for 25 years when it happened. I started into an online affair with an old coworker. Then it turned physical. We only met three times in the two years the affair lasted. It wasn't really a love affair. I admit I fell for him the first few months but after the second time we had sex I was ready to end it. But I didn't know how. I was scared to. He basically used me for sex and dirty pictures. My husband found out and was devistated. I couldn't believe I hurt my husband so much. I am so sorry, ashamed and humiliated. I have asked him and God for forgiveness. I am doing everything I can think of to fix my mistake. But my husband read our text messages and saw the pictures. We are going to M/C and things are looking up. But the text messages took a toll on his ego. My affair partner wasn't great in bed. But he always asked Everytime he texted and I just played along and I would tell him he was good. My husband never got over that. My husband is by far a better lover but this just killed his sexual ego. It's been 2 1/2 years now and he still has break downs. Depression. I feel so bad about this. What can I do or say to him to help him? We never had any problems in the bedroom. But now he feels second best. I can't take it anymore. I need to do or say something to help but I can't think of anything. How can I make him feel he's better than the jerk I had an affair with? It's like he has lost his manhood which I understand I am to blame for that. I pray every night God will heal us. This was all my fault and I'm lost on what to do.

I would suggest that you show him the prayer you posted here. Sometime someone will hear something better if it is being said to others as that makes it seem less likely, hopefully, that they are being deceptive. Your heart, to me, really seems to be in that post, and sincere.

My suggestion would be for you and your husband to join hands and pray for healing all around. Maybe far more than once. Perhaps he should lead - though you can add in your prayers, too, of course - as the Biblical head of the family. In fact, I would suggest that you and your husband join hands in prayer every day for whatever is needed in your marriage.

 

[paul1149]

My husband knows my past now and he's been great supporting me

I think this post shows a wonderful repentant attitude, and I bless you. Your husband knows all your past now? If so, excellent; if not, don't hold back. It puts your more recent behavior in perspective, and that perspective may well be critical to him understanding you and being open to rebuilding trust with you again. Understanding the "why" of your actions is foundational to his healing, because he is going to have to see a way forward, and then he is going to have to make the decision to actively pursue it. He must be an active participant in both his and your healing, because the truth is, you need healing as well. And indeed, that the two of you would heal each other in the Lord is exactly why He joined you together as life partners.

Join with your husband in brokenness. Don't be afraid of it. Walk with him side-by-side in it as the Spirit leads. This is an opportunity for both of you to be healed. Bring the Lord into the relationship. In particular, allow the Spirit of God into the dark corners of the relationship that need healing. You will be amazed at what He can do when husband and wife give Him place. It's been proven time and again that the Lord can do more with the ashes of our lives, than we could do with the whole thing.

I'm going to quote part of Isaiah 61, but read the whole chapter. Jesus applied this to Himself when He visited His home synagogue, and He is still alive and in the restoration business today:

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD has anointed me to preach good tidings to the meek; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

To appoint for those who mourn in Zion, to give to them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

And they shall build the old waste places, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the desolate cities, the desolations of many generations... -Isa 61:1-4​

 

[Kit Sigmon]

How did your husband come to read the text messages and see the photos?