Affair..I don't know what to do

[Thir7ySev3n]

Thank you, ThirtySeven. I agree with your post too. The one thing I would admit however, is that she shouldn't make it seem like a performance. It would have to be genuine or it would have the opposite effect. But I believe that's what you were also saying in the following with, "if done with overt sincerity will often reach a man's heart and convince him you understand the severity of your actions, which you should."

You believe rightly.

I remember a woman I was once engaged to who did this to me, and if she had done those things I mentioned for me it might have saved the relationship. But she dealt with it like she just wanted me to pass it off. And with me that didn't work. I needed some real signs of regret if I was going to trust her again, and unfortunately we ended up just moving on.

A resounding amen to the need for demonstrated deep regret. I would think it would be hard soul to save that could not even break from adultery. Pride in relatively small things is poisonous to our soul; how much more in a hard heart with sin that brings death? Good for you for staying strong through it and not relenting. I would accept nothing less than brokenness from my wife, with a long-standing tolerance to my distrust that was well earned. Even the slightest hint of a "get over it already" attitude and I'd be blowing it out of the water.

 

[the old scribe]

If my wife did to me what you did to your husband, I would divorce her instantly. I think youre lucky that your husband is a patient man.

Hard hearts do that because obedience to the Lord is unimportant.
Remember the words of the Lord Jesus in Matthew 19:8 “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.”

Such a cause for divorce is making an idol of ones self.
The Holy Ghost only dwells where he is the one God.

 

[Hidden In Him]

I would think it would be hard soul to save that could not even break from adultery.

Not that I would be relating this to the OP any longer. Sounds like she has been through Hell in her life and over her sin, and is sincerely repentant now. But as for salvation of an unrepentant adulterer/adulteress, the word does clearly suggest serious retribution could end up being the result. In 1 Thessalonians 4:6, the use of the word "defraud" makes it appear that the sin being referred to there was adultery, and Paul makes the clear statement that God would be the Avenger of all such things if the sinner did not repent and turn back again to sanctification. Most of us today don't realize it, but the Holy Spirit was much closer to the churches back then. He executed judgment in the here and now against sinners (Revelation 2:19-23, 1 Corinthians 11:29-30, other passages). In less egregious instances, the judgments were non-lethal in hopes of simply keeping them from eternal damnation (1 Corinthians 5:1-5, last verse especially, Hebrews 12:11).

So yes, it is a serious issue with the Lord when He is truly in the midst, and much more so than many are aware of today.

 

[paul becke]

If my wife did to me what you did to your husband, I would divorce her instantly. I think youre lucky that your husband is a patient man.

And she's lucky that she didn't marry you, isn't she ? I'm serious. I used to think like that when I was younger, even said it. What did I know ? I wasn't even married - not that that guarantees wisdom and self-knowledge. Though it was evidently significant that it was starting with the oldest that the 'would be' executioners of the woman caught in adultery gradually 'sloped off'.

 

[createdtoworship]

Thank you so very much. So many answers I'm so happy. My husband says he won't divorce me. He said he promised me and God for better or worse. I haven't been a good wife. I must confess I have kept secrets from him. When I was a child in my home country, I was raped several times. Then I was sold into sex slavery. Basically raped everyday. Even on days I sick. I was able to go to church and I would pray God give me a husband. Well one day I met him. I managed to run away and soon met my husband. And he married me so God answered my prayer. But I kept those secret will me. I see now how it affected my life and marrage. My M/C said I have low self esteem. At the time I was starting menopause and I had lot of depression. So I guess I fall for the love bombing from this other man. I let the devil into my life. Not an excuse tho. But I have been learning to communicate better but still not very good. My husband knows my past now and he's been great supporting me. I really screwed up. I guess I'm lucky god gave me a Christian man. Otherwise I be homeless on the street. I will take your advice. I thank you all. I pray God will heal his heart. We stopped going to church. He just didn't want to go. But we will go back. I hold his hand and pray every night. He prays alone. To himself. I will work harder. I know God has forgiven me even if I not worth it.

again watch those video's on marriage I sent, shoring up a marriage takes a lot of work but is very rewarding.

 

[Landon Caeli]

And she's lucky that she didn't marry you, isn't she ? I'm serious. I used to think like that when I was younger, even said it. What did I know ? I wasn't even married - not that that guarantees wisdom and self-knowledge. Though it was evidently significant that it was starting with the oldest that the 'would be' executioners of the woman caught in adultery gradually 'sloped off'.

Well, thanks for making me feel young again.

...In all honesty, I might not divorce my wife in such a situation. Probably I would just make her suffer for it in many other ways for a good period of time. We've been married for 20 years, and we have little ones, so...

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

if what you said in your original post is what happened then it seems the way for this wound to heel is to fulfill your marital duty in being sexually open to your husband which shouldn't be hard to do since you say that he was, in fact, able to satisfy you sexually(though if this were true, why did you step out on him?).

 

[Traveling teacher]

Repentence is ongoing......
JEsus said bring forth fruits of repentence.....

Shoe love to your husband......
And to the Lord by respecting submitting obeying and admiring him....

Encourage him to go back to church.....

I can tell you your husband deeply loves you or he wudnt be hurt so much.....
Forgiveness and healling are 2 different situations.....

I believ your bext step would be to get others to lay hands on you both and pray for you.......
Altar calls are great and you dont have to give details....
If not both then you should get others to pray for you....

Also what country are you from...just curious.....????

 

[Blade]

Mj_1969.. this is not the place for this.. asking for help and prayer is one thing. Well the woman in the word was caught in adultery. And Jesus treats every one the same. So.. you have repented.. you need to forgive your self. For GOD is not holding this over.. He is not judging you.. He is not condemning you.

JESUS is real. REALLY talk to Jesus.. tell HIM everything you said here and more. But KNOW that He hears you.. KNOW that He is IS going to help and is right now. There is nothing impossible with Him.. Ask HIM what you can do. The devil is a liar.. that fear you have depression.. none of it is from GOD. Relax... have faith.. take your time.. give him time. I dont mean stay away. YOU seek God.. you be praying. You get YOU right with GOD. Don't change for your spouse.. you do for GOD.

your not alone...LET.. ALLOW God to HEAL you. And your husband. Talk to the Father/Jesus.. tell Him what you want to do.. as in helping your husband.. and YOUR SELF! And He will give you ideas.. pop them up in your spirit. There are things... we have done.. that do this day.. wow..really hurt.. but we HAVE to let allow Him to heal us. He really does and will. Dont fret.. your on the right path..just dont let guilt.. and depression form the enemy come it.. that will work against you both.

I believe.. that love does not die for the one we married. I truly believe this. I have been with my wife for over 30 years (praise you Father). We let things of this world get in.. cloud our vision.. yet.. the love never vanished.. just go buried. It REALLY is ALL still there. The lord..will start that fire again..

 

[Mj_1969]

I sat down with my husband and had a long talk. I told him how all this started. I felt unloved (I wasn't at all, but I felt that way) and I had depression and cryed alot when I was alone. The love bombing this other man did was nonstop. It made me feel beautiful. I should have talked to my husband about my feelings but I never had communication skills back then. It was online and I just returned his text cause it made me feel special. I got hooked to it. My brain never once thought about the pain I would cause. Then this man just showed up out of nowhere. I felt trapped. I went to see him cause I couldn't think of a way out of it. Let me say this man was a skilled con man. First time we met he seemed charming. The next I saw an anger in him and the third time he was drinking and I said stop but he didn't. I told him the truth about the sex. It wasn't love making. It was about him. He had really bad erectile problems and the sex was humiliating and painful. The third time I felt raped. Why I put up with it I don't know. I hated it and after the second time I wanted to end it. But I couldn't. I didn't know how. I wanted it to end. His demands for pictures was humiliating. I was so affraid he would send those pictures to my husband. The longer we texted the more anger I saw and the more humiliating his demand for pictures was. I actually hated to hear from him. I was scared of him. Why I put up with the controlling humiliating abuse I don't know. My M/C said it's common for survivors of sexual abuse to act this way but I don't know. But I told my husband that the day he found out I was actually happy. Not for hurting him, but for setting me free from this man. For doing what I could not. Once again in my life he saved me. I told him this man was a big nothing. I got hooked to his love bombing. But I never wanted sex with him. And I told the truth..I told him the sex was awful. This man wasn't even close to being what my husband is. I remember being with the other man and in my mind I was screaming why am I here? I should not be here I should not be doing this. The guilt and shame ate at me every day. My husband has morals, and many other things the other man does not. He has no feelings of remorse. He loves to destroy people. When I got caught he said "hope you work it out, take care, bye". I didnt care I just was happy to be free from him. I told my husband I have always loved him. He has been there for me always and I betrayed him. I told him the truth. And I told him I will do anything to fix our marrage. I held his hand that night and prayed. The next day he was happy. I have not seen him happy in a long time. But I take it as a sign. A sign that maybe God is helping him. But I'm proud of myself. I did it. I actually had a conversation and said things I couldn't before. My husband always said conversation comes from the heart. And I did it for the first time without choking on my words or saying stupid things. Thank you Lord.

 

[Mj_1969]

I would like to say something. When my husband first found out, I lied. I lied I had sex with the other man. It took a month for me to admit to it. And within a couple of week of my lie, my insides went bad. I mean really bad. I had three surgeries and finally a total hystorectomy. So much pain. I didn't have problem before. I believe God was punishing me for that lie. Do you think that is possible? I'm not complaining about it at all. What I did was wrong. But if that was a punishment I accept it. What you think?

 

[Mj_1969]

How did your husband come to read the text messages and see the photos?

Well the other man told me to download Viber. He told me how to use it and how to delete things. I don't know much about these things. Messages didn't get deleted. Pictures got back up somehow. And when I file a police report with the military police against the other man they hook my phone to a laptop and found more. They said adultry is a crime in the military. So I help them. They carged him with adultry and sent lewd pictures over the internet. I never know where he really lived. When he come back from Korea he say he lives in Texas, Delaware, Virginia. At the end of my affair I can say I know nothing about him. I guess they make him retire. He never really talk about himself. The police say he use tactics that perverts use to stalk underage girls. That made me feel creepy.

 

[lastofall]

If you are a professing Christian then do as Christ told the adulteress woman "Go and sin no more": and of you're not, then you should go and sin no more!

 

[paul becke]

Well, thanks for making me feel young again.

...In all honesty, I might not divorce my wife in such a situation. Probably I would just make her suffer for it in many other ways for a good period of time. We've been married for 20 years, and we have little ones, so...

A gracious response. I appreciate it.

 

[Mj_1969]

if what you said in your original post is what happened then it seems the way for this wound to heel is to fulfill your marital duty in being sexually open to your husband which shouldn't be hard to do since you say that he was, in fact, able to satisfy you sexually(though if this were true, why did you step out on him?).

Well at the time I was having bad depression and mood swings. I felt unloved. I wasn't really I just couldn't see that. The other man love bomb me for months. Made me feel bueutiful. I fell for it big time. Dumb I know. He talked about having sex and I went along with it cause he was on the other side of the world. Then he just showed up. And I did it. I didn't want to but I did. He show up I felt trapped. Like I couldn't back out. This was never about sex. I guess it was about my ego. And it all went really bad after I met him. After the second time I saw an anger in him and he had my text and pictures. After the second time I guess I got scared of him and what he may do. But I say again it was never about sex.

 

[Goatee]

I have committed adultery. Sickening indeed.

It's like an addiction. It eats you up inside. Anxiety and depression have bombarded me for years.

I am trying. I continually beg God for guidance.

Wife and I are going through divorce. No love in marriage, no physical contact, for 10 years or more.

If you can save your marriage, plead with God to help you both. For me it is too late. Wife hates me. She wants divorce like yesterday!

God bless you

 

[Andrew2592]

...In all honesty, I might not divorce my wife in such a situation. Probably I would just make her suffer for it in many other ways for a good period of time. We've been married for 20 years, and we have little ones, so...

Before I do ask,Were you just joking about making your wife suffer. If so..
May I ask,why would you make her suffer? I do believe that an affair is a very serious breech of trust and It would take time to heal from no doubt. But making her suffer for it is not the way to go about it,imho. We are to live a Christ did and i'm sure Christ wouldn't make anyone suffer for commenting a sin he would forgive them and tell them not to do it again, The same grace that's extended to you for your sins should be extended from you to your wife as well,Unless you would want God to be slack with extended grace to you.

 

[Landon Caeli]

Before I do ask,Were you just joking about making your wife suffer. If so..
May I ask,why would you make her suffer? I do believe that an affair is a very serious breech of trust and It would take time to heal from no doubt. But making her suffer for it is not the way to go about it,imho. We are to live a Christ did and i'm sure Christ wouldn't make anyone suffer for commenting a sin he would forgive them and tell them not to do it again, The same grace that's extended to you for your sins should be extended from you to your wife as well,Unless you would want God to be slack with extended grace to you.

I'm just telling what would happen. Not by my choice, but by my God given human nature... Even you would do it -let's not kid ourselves.

...We were made in God's image, and God is a jealous God.

 

[Landon Caeli]

The same grace that's extended to you for your sins should be extended from you to your wife as well,Unless you would want God to be slack with extended grace to you.

I'm a Catholic... I believe in purgatory, remember?

...I also believe that the Natural Law is a precursor to God's Eternal Law. It's natural to want just punishment. I expect nothing less for myself, both in this life and the next.

 

[Landon Caeli]

...Besides, ultimately I think I did suggest I would forgive her after a period of time.