Advice On Abusive Pastors?

[Westtmd]

I had no idea where to put this and felt this might be the best place, given what it's directed at? If not, I'm more than happy to move it to where it needs to be! Sorry if it's a little too long and emotional, I've been struggling hardcore with my family abuse.

The people on topic are in fact my parents. My father is the full-time paid worship pastor at my church and my mother volunteers with vocals occasionally, but also helps with the treasury, "secretary" work and with the kids (occasionally as well). I believe they love God and they love their ministry...but knowing what I've grown up with and seeing the life behind our home's closed door that is still ongoing, makes me question if they should be in ministry. They have for the past 4 years that I can remember and is still ongoing, treated my brother and I (though I am newly married now) with emotional abuse and verbal abuse, with physical abuse on very rare occasions. Most of the issue lies with our mother, but our father plays his part just as much, however he's also more of the back up for mother usually. Mother has told my brother "don't be a douche" when our children's minister took something he said sarcastically which was totally not the case, and this was in our parents office in the church with door wide open, while the CP was present. The CP himself even told my brother "it's just what parent's do" and shrugged it off, he doesn't even have kids himself. My mother has mocked a "maybe I'd be better off dead" comment I've made when she knows I've attempted and almost got close to it again the same night. I'm not sure how my brother is, but I know I'm majorly terrified of them and any conflict and have anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns, since they've gotten to the point of just sarcastically laughing at us during any fights. And mother swears all the time at home, more so during fights. They show no fruits of the spirit at home but kinda do at church or in public only, never pray together anymore or have any family time really, no devotions...nothing. It's like they stopped caring and hate us anymore with how we're treated, yet have compassion for others with bad struggles and abusive families.

I've been praying about it because the more I've done research on abuse and scriptures about it, the more I'm terribly bothered by this and so is my husband. More so because they've never been held accountable as pastors that actively participate in this vile behavior and God detests abuse in any form so much, and they've been in music ministry for 9 years at 3 different churches might I add. We're all sinners this is true, and while maybe it's my view, I don't think you should be in ministry yet actively do awful things that could ruin your child's walk and overall health. How can you expect to feed and minister to your church and outside of it, if you can't even do it at home with your kids? They put off a very interesting mask to church family that is very much a fake persona. We've never felt God in their house when fought fight and never feel him with them at all, he felt farther away than ever and like there was just oppression and stuff creeping in instead. And I fear my brother is questioning God somewhat too...I know I struggled given what we've been taught in church yet never correlating with what we lived with at home. I'm going to keep in prayer with my husband and meditate on scriptures for wisdom and even keep ear for what I should/or shouldn't do, as Satan has me in a bind and I'm trying to not let this taint my feelings toward the church overall. He's made his play very well I must say. But advice from other ministers and seasoned Christians would be highly appreciated as well! And if possible, please keep them and the church in your prayers...this has me very concerned and worried, not just for the church and them as pastors there, but over their souls and where they're at as well as my poor little brother who's only near 16. Thanks!

Edit: I will add that I am contemplating writing a letter to them, however I am unsure and feel this would possibly be unwise to do. As it could provoke anger in them, even when written with no disrespect and coming from a point of concern and love, of which I do not want nor wish over them but rather for peace and that it leads to betterment of them and healing between us all.

 

[Basil the Great]

I have read where physical and emotional abuse tends to be associated with people that have professions of authority, including ministers. Your concern is a very difficult one. Hence, I will pray for you, but will let some of the professionals here offer their advice.

 

[Westtmd]

I have read where physical and emotional abuse tends to be associated with people that have professions of authority, including ministers. Your concern is a very difficult one. Hence, I will pray for you, but will let some of the professionals here offer their advice.

Thank you, I appreciate it

 

[Heart2Soul]

I had no idea where to put this and felt this might be the best place, given what it's directed at? If not, I'm more than happy to move it to where it needs to be! Sorry if it's a little too long and emotional, I've been struggling hardcore with my family abuse.

The people on topic are in fact my parents. My father is the full-time paid worship pastor at my church and my mother volunteers with vocals occasionally, but also helps with the treasury, "secretary" work and with the kids (occasionally as well). I believe they love God and they love their ministry...but knowing what I've grown up with and seeing the life behind our home's closed door that is still ongoing, makes me question if they should be in ministry. They have for the past 4 years that I can remember and is still ongoing, treated my brother and I (though I am newly married now) with emotional abuse and verbal abuse, with physical abuse on very rare occasions. Most of the issue lies with our mother, but our father plays his part just as much, however he's also more of the back up for mother usually. Mother has told my brother "don't be a douche" when our children's minister took something he said sarcastically which was totally not the case, and this was in our parents office in the church with door wide open, while the CP was present. The CP himself even told my brother "it's just what parent's do" and shrugged it off, he doesn't even have kids himself. My mother has mocked a "maybe I'd be better off dead" comment I've made when she knows I've attempted and almost got close to it again the same night. I'm not sure how my brother is, but I know I'm majorly terrified of them and any conflict and have anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns, since they've gotten to the point of just sarcastically laughing at us during any fights. And mother swears all the time at home, more so during fights. They show no fruits of the spirit at home but kinda do at church or in public only, never pray together anymore or have any family time really, no devotions...nothing. It's like they stopped caring and hate us anymore with how we're treated, yet have compassion for others with bad struggles and abusive families.

I've been praying about it because the more I've done research on abuse and scriptures about it, the more I'm terribly bothered by this and so is my husband. More so because they've never been held accountable as pastors that actively participate in this vile behavior and God detests abuse in any form so much, and they've been in music ministry for 9 years at 3 different churches might I add. We're all sinners this is true, and while maybe it's my view, I don't think you should be in ministry yet actively do awful things that could ruin your child's walk and overall health. How can you expect to feed and minister to your church and outside of it, if you can't even do it at home with your kids? They put off a very interesting mask to church family that is very much a fake persona. We've never felt God in their house when fought fight and never feel him with them at all, he felt farther away than ever and like there was just oppression and stuff creeping in instead. And I fear my brother is questioning God somewhat too...I know I struggled given what we've been taught in church yet never correlating with what we lived with at home. I'm going to keep in prayer with my husband and meditate on scriptures for wisdom and even keep ear for what I should/or shouldn't do, as Satan has me in a bind and I'm trying to not let this taint my feelings toward the church overall. He's made his play very well I must say. But advice from other ministers and seasoned Christians would be highly appreciated as well! And if possible, please keep them and the church in your prayers...this has me very concerned and worried, not just for the church and them as pastors there, but over their souls and where they're at as well as my poor little brother who's only near 16. Thanks!

Sadly pastors are just as human and are just as subject to the sinful nature of the flesh as the rest of us. It is typical of many Christians to put on their outward appearance while in church but when they get home they take it off and let their true nature come out. I can understand the hurt that you suffer from the verbal and mental abuse....I wanted to ask have you ever been honest with either of your parents and discussed your feelings with them? If you put your actual age on your profile you are still quite young and naïve to the true nature of our world. Scripture says in the last days evil will wax worse and worse....also Jesus said this: Luke 12:52-53
…51Do you think that I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I tell you, but division. 52From now on, five in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. 53They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”…

Satan has purposed to destroy the family since the beginning of Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel....But God also promises to restore everything Satan has destroyed....

My best advice is to forgive them, love them in spite of their weaknesses, pray for them....without forgiveness then you will become angry and bitter.....Trust your Abba, Father to heal you.....He is your Heavenly Father and in Him is no sin...no fault...only love and compassion.

 

[Rescued One]

These people no matter what position they hold (Senior Pastors or otherwise) are NOT Christians! The Holy Spirit directs the lives of Christians. I believe in prayer but God doesn't always cause non-Christians to repent. The brother should pray for a way out, go to another church, maybe ask to be emancipated.

By their fruits ye shall know them. Jesus didn't lie. People who are walking in darkness aren't following the Savior.

I pray for people who are unkind, abusive, and harmful to others; I forgive them and don't hate them. But we need to get away from them.

 

[now faith]

I wouldn't say they are not Christians.
They are a couple with life challenges like all of us.
They work raising kids and taking care of their Church.
Their lives are under a microscope ,in Church and at Home.
We are arm chair quarterbacks here not knowing the stress level they are under.
If this is worthy of a letter here a married woman, should compose this type of letter to her parents.
It could be the eye opener to get back to God.

 

[Sketcher]

Make sure that they see you on your terms, not theirs. This is how you gain leverage with them. Don't depend on them for anything ever again; doing that gives the leverage back to them. When they see they have lost their power over you, perhaps they'll be willing to treat you with decency. Your goal should be to rebuild the relationship with proper boundaries in place, to protect yourselves and any children that come along.

 

[Westtmd]

Sadly pastors are just as human and are just as subject to the sinful nature of the flesh as the rest of us. It is typical of many Christians to put on their outward appearance while in church but when they get home they take it off and let their true nature come out. I can understand the hurt that you suffer from the verbal and mental abuse....I wanted to ask have you ever been honest with either of your parents and discussed your feelings with them? If you put your actual age on your profile you are still quite young and naïve to the true nature of our world. Scripture says in the last days evil will wax worse and worse....also Jesus said this: Luke 12:52-53
…51Do you think that I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I tell you, but division. 52From now on, five in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. 53They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”…

Satan has purposed to destroy the family since the beginning of Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel....But God also promises to restore everything Satan has destroyed....

My best advice is to forgive them, love them in spite of their weaknesses, pray for them....without forgiveness then you will become angry and bitter.....Trust your Abba, Father to heal you.....He is your Heavenly Father and in Him is no sin...no fault...only love and compassion.

This is quite true that they are human and we all slip up and is sadly just part of the world we're born into, but there should be growth in your walk and loving change, I have not yet seen that in them over their 9 years in ministry and they have never shown any fruits of the spirit in the home, but somewhat in the church and only show compassion with people outside of the family that are struggling with issues. I am still rather young yes, 19 actually, and I have an idea of how cruel the world is but I am still naive in many aspects I can agree with. And I am still very young to my walk sadly, but eagerly trying to grow! As for talking with them, yes I have tried to open up to them about my honest feelings many times, very calmly and nicely as well, and still want to try but at this point it makes me so anxious and I know I was not given a spirit of fear and that it is not of God. It's actually becoming mental torment, that's even making my physically sick now, and been keeping me up at nights lately. They've never truly listened or seemed to have ever wanted to, It's almost like they're emotionally distant. If it's about their feelings, they listen but anything else involving mine or my brother's always gets made into a fight that only gets more intense the whole way through and eventually the original calm discussion we wanted and started to have about our honest feelings is tossed to the side until they're done correcting you, even when you haven't been disrespectful but careful with your words and calm at first. We're not able to calm them down or go back to original topic during it all, we've tried many times sadly. I've thought about writing a letter to them to hopefully avoid conflict, doesn't hurt to try. Though I do feel wavering with the idea, not sure if it would be wise to or not and I'm unsure where this feeling comes from. It is something else I've been in prayer over and how to approach properly. As I do not want to evoke anger in them again and want to be listened to, so we can resolve it and put it behind us. That's all I really want and for closure.

I have been on the path to forgive them and I do love them despite it all, but with my human nature it is hard to fight the want to bear resentment and bitterness I will admit. I do feel this will benefit me though in a spiritual way. Like when you get to the point of hopelessness and breakdown, the bottom of the bottom, and a breakthrough is just along the way if you keep swimming up through the harsh muddy waters. I do feel it strongly. So while I am hurt, I do thank them in a way because I know I can grow from this and use it to help others. I am praying for them and have been for a little, I do know he will resolve this and help them. I think I'm just bothered as I haven't seen any improvement in them over the years but rather them getting worse which worries me, but maybe something good will come along for them in that path? And that scripture is something I will be writing down thank you! I hope I answered everything decently

 

[Westtmd]

I also would like to mention I can understand why my mother does act this way, as it has been a line of abuse events in her family line. Her father, from his father and ect. So I don't fully blame her, but I do not excuse it at the same, as she might not even realize what she's doing! But I do hope they can come to realize so they can improve and I know how much stress the church puts on pastors and the children, but to throw a dysfunctional family life in as well is overbearing and I do not wish for them to struggle with physical or mental issues due to the mass amount of stress. I feel more sorrow for them, as I can tell they're suffering just as much, and compassion more than anything.

 

[Westtmd]

There really are people who will never listen. I hope you are attending a different church and can find a comforting friend.

Romans 15
13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I am not attending a different church as of yet, I am trying to sort through the feeling of needing to leave and stay. Not sure which is truth just yet. We shall see in due time, thank you

 

[Heart2Soul]

This is quite true that they are human and we all slip up and is sadly just part of the world we're born into, but there should be growth in your walk and loving change, I have not yet seen that in them over their 9 years in ministry and they have never shown any fruits of the spirit in the home, but somewhat in the church and only show compassion with people outside of the family that are struggling with issues. I am still rather young yes, 19 actually, and I have an idea of how cruel the world is but I am still naive in many aspects I can agree with. And I am still very young to my walk sadly, but eagerly trying to grow! As for talking with them, yes I have tried to open up to them about my honest feelings many times, very calmly and nicely as well, and still want to try but at this point it makes me so anxious and I know I was not given a spirit of fear and that it is not of God. It's actually becoming mental torment, that's even making my physically sick now, and been keeping me up at nights lately. They've never truly listened or seemed to have ever wanted to, It's almost like they're emotionally distant. If it's about their feelings, they listen but anything else involving mine or my brother's always gets made into a fight that only gets more intense the whole way through and eventually the original calm discussion we wanted and started to have about our honest feelings is tossed to the side until they're done correcting you, even when you haven't been disrespectful but careful with your words and calm at first. We're not able to calm them down or go back to original topic during it all, we've tried many times sadly. I've thought about writing a letter to them to hopefully avoid conflict, doesn't hurt to try. Though I do feel wavering with the idea, not sure if it would be wise to or not and I'm unsure where this feeling comes from. It is something else I've been in prayer over and how to approach properly. As I do not want to evoke anger in them again and want to be listened to, so we can resolve it and put it behind us. That's all I really want and for closure.

I have been on the path to forgive them and I do love them despite it all, but with my human nature it is hard to fight the want to bear resentment and bitterness I will admit. I do feel this will benefit me though in a spiritual way. Like when you get to the point of hopelessness and breakdown, the bottom of the bottom, and a breakthrough is just along the way if you keep swimming up through the harsh muddy waters. I do feel it strongly. So while I am hurt, I do thank them in a way because I know I can grow from this and use it to help others. I am praying for them and have been for a little, I do know he will resolve this and help them. I think I'm just bothered as I haven't seen any improvement in them over the years but rather them getting worse which worries me, but maybe something good will come along for them in that path? And that scripture is something I will be writing down thank you! I hope I answered everything decently

I totally understand....and just to share my own experience it took me until I was around my mid twenties before I forgave my mother and stepfather for what he did to me as a young teen. It took me even longer to forgive my biological father because I called him and told him what was going on and asked if I could come live with him and he said no.....I also spent all those years in so much anger and bitterness and it really caused me a lot of mental and emotional illness. But I praise God, my Abba, Father, that He helped me come to a place of forgiveness. The weight on me that I carried for so many years was suddenly lifted....the memories and the hurt stayed for years but eventually the hurt was gone as well.....I guess because my biological father passed away unexpectantly and I never got to tell him I forgave him and I always regretted that....and then my mother passed away a couple of years ago and I am so thankful that we came to love each other and bond again.

 

[Heart2Soul]

I am not attending a different church as of yet, I am trying to sort through the feeling of needing to leave and stay. Not sure which is truth just yet. We shall see in due time, thank you

I just watched a sermon about Paul and what he suffered trying to make it to a city to preach the gospel and ended up shipwrecked...the crew blamed him and said he was guilty of a horrible sin...the washed ashore where he was arrested for something (can't remember) and while he was being shackled a snake leapt up and bit him on the hand and wouldn't let go so he had to shake it off and it fell in the fire and died.....and everyone who witnessed it was waiting for the venom to take its affect on him and it never did....he was cast into prison....then the king's son heard of how Paul survived a venomous snake bit and summoned him because his father the king was gravely ill....Paul arrives and with the that same hand the snake bit he laid his hand on the king and prayed and immediately the fever left and the king was healed...…
So the title of the sermon...It Had to Happen....in other words Paul had to go through all that to get to this place and the miracle power of God was manifested right before their unbelieving eyes and they all became believers...…
Also think of Esther.....for such a time as this God called you and gave you strength and boldness to endure your sufferings in order that through you He will be glorified.
Your test will be a mighty testimony of how you overcame by the Power of the Holy Spirit to heal you and give you a heart of compassion.

God bless you and I will pray for you....you are entering adulthood in a world that has become harder and harder to walk in love and faith.

 

[Rescued One]

I also would like to mention I can understand why my mother does act this way, as it has been a line of abuse events in her family line. Her father, from his father and ect. So I don't fully blame her, but I do not excuse it at the same, as she might not even realize what she's doing! But I do hope they can come to realize so they can improve and I know how much stress the church puts on pastors and the children, but to throw a dysfunctional family life in as well is overbearing and I do not wish for them to struggle with physical or mental issues due to the mass amount of stress. I feel more sorrow for them, as I can tell they're suffering just as much, and compassion more than anything.

I feel a bit of sadness that my parents had unhappy childhoods and didn't care about Christ (seriously--- my father was an atheist and my mother was a deist.)

 

[Hammster]

ADMIN HAT ON


This thread has undergone a clean up. Please remember to only address the OP as this is a no-debate area.


ADMIN HAT OFF

 

[Yonny Costopoulis]

I had no idea where to put this and felt this might be the best place, given what it's directed at? If not, I'm more than happy to move it to where it needs to be! Sorry if it's a little too long and emotional, I've been struggling hardcore with my family abuse.

The people on topic are in fact my parents. My father is the full-time paid worship pastor at my church and my mother volunteers with vocals occasionally, but also helps with the treasury, "secretary" work and with the kids (occasionally as well). I believe they love God and they love their ministry...but knowing what I've grown up with and seeing the life behind our home's closed door that is still ongoing, makes me question if they should be in ministry. They have for the past 4 years that I can remember and is still ongoing, treated my brother and I (though I am newly married now) with emotional abuse and verbal abuse, with physical abuse on very rare occasions. Most of the issue lies with our mother, but our father plays his part just as much, however he's also more of the back up for mother usually. Mother has told my brother "don't be a douche" when our children's minister took something he said sarcastically which was totally not the case, and this was in our parents office in the church with door wide open, while the CP was present. The CP himself even told my brother "it's just what parent's do" and shrugged it off, he doesn't even have kids himself. My mother has mocked a "maybe I'd be better off dead" comment I've made when she knows I've attempted and almost got close to it again the same night. I'm not sure how my brother is, but I know I'm majorly terrified of them and any conflict and have anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns, since they've gotten to the point of just sarcastically laughing at us during any fights. And mother swears all the time at home, more so during fights. They show no fruits of the spirit at home but kinda do at church or in public only, never pray together anymore or have any family time really, no devotions...nothing. It's like they stopped caring and hate us anymore with how we're treated, yet have compassion for others with bad struggles and abusive families.

I've been praying about it because the more I've done research on abuse and scriptures about it, the more I'm terribly bothered by this and so is my husband. More so because they've never been held accountable as pastors that actively participate in this vile behavior and God detests abuse in any form so much, and they've been in music ministry for 9 years at 3 different churches might I add. We're all sinners this is true, and while maybe it's my view, I don't think you should be in ministry yet actively do awful things that could ruin your child's walk and overall health. How can you expect to feed and minister to your church and outside of it, if you can't even do it at home with your kids? They put off a very interesting mask to church family that is very much a fake persona. We've never felt God in their house when fought fight and never feel him with them at all, he felt farther away than ever and like there was just oppression and stuff creeping in instead. And I fear my brother is questioning God somewhat too...I know I struggled given what we've been taught in church yet never correlating with what we lived with at home. I'm going to keep in prayer with my husband and meditate on scriptures for wisdom and even keep ear for what I should/or shouldn't do, as Satan has me in a bind and I'm trying to not let this taint my feelings toward the church overall. He's made his play very well I must say. But advice from other ministers and seasoned Christians would be highly appreciated as well! And if possible, please keep them and the church in your prayers...this has me very concerned and worried, not just for the church and them as pastors there, but over their souls and where they're at as well as my poor little brother who's only near 16. Thanks!

Edit: I will add that I am contemplating writing a letter to them, however I am unsure and feel this would possibly be unwise to do. As it could provoke anger in them, even when written with no disrespect and coming from a point of concern and love, of which I do not want nor wish over them but rather for peace and that it leads to betterment of them and healing between us all.

Please consider seeking the professional help such as counselors (not church based).

 

[Westtmd]

Please consider seeking the professional help such as counselors (not church based).

My family and I actually used to go to a Christian one a couple years back, but stopped after 5 visits, it was mostly for me though. I do plan on seeking a new one when my husband and I can financially afford it, outside of church based one, since the experience with church based wasn't all that great I'm afraid. But I am already on the hunt for one that seems nice in advance!

 

[Chinchilla]

I had no idea where to put this and felt this might be the best place, given what it's directed at? If not, I'm more than happy to move it to where it needs to be! Sorry if it's a little too long and emotional, I've been struggling hardcore with my family abuse.

The people on topic are in fact my parents. My father is the full-time paid worship pastor at my church and my mother volunteers with vocals occasionally, but also helps with the treasury, "secretary" work and with the kids (occasionally as well). I believe they love God and they love their ministry...but knowing what I've grown up with and seeing the life behind our home's closed door that is still ongoing, makes me question if they should be in ministry. They have for the past 4 years that I can remember and is still ongoing, treated my brother and I (though I am newly married now) with emotional abuse and verbal abuse, with physical abuse on very rare occasions. Most of the issue lies with our mother, but our father plays his part just as much, however he's also more of the back up for mother usually. Mother has told my brother "don't be a douche" when our children's minister took something he said sarcastically which was totally not the case, and this was in our parents office in the church with door wide open, while the CP was present. The CP himself even told my brother "it's just what parent's do" and shrugged it off, he doesn't even have kids himself. My mother has mocked a "maybe I'd be better off dead" comment I've made when she knows I've attempted and almost got close to it again the same night. I'm not sure how my brother is, but I know I'm majorly terrified of them and any conflict and have anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns, since they've gotten to the point of just sarcastically laughing at us during any fights. And mother swears all the time at home, more so during fights. They show no fruits of the spirit at home but kinda do at church or in public only, never pray together anymore or have any family time really, no devotions...nothing. It's like they stopped caring and hate us anymore with how we're treated, yet have compassion for others with bad struggles and abusive families.

I've been praying about it because the more I've done research on abuse and scriptures about it, the more I'm terribly bothered by this and so is my husband. More so because they've never been held accountable as pastors that actively participate in this vile behavior and God detests abuse in any form so much, and they've been in music ministry for 9 years at 3 different churches might I add. We're all sinners this is true, and while maybe it's my view, I don't think you should be in ministry yet actively do awful things that could ruin your child's walk and overall health. How can you expect to feed and minister to your church and outside of it, if you can't even do it at home with your kids? They put off a very interesting mask to church family that is very much a fake persona. We've never felt God in their house when fought fight and never feel him with them at all, he felt farther away than ever and like there was just oppression and stuff creeping in instead. And I fear my brother is questioning God somewhat too...I know I struggled given what we've been taught in church yet never correlating with what we lived with at home. I'm going to keep in prayer with my husband and meditate on scriptures for wisdom and even keep ear for what I should/or shouldn't do, as Satan has me in a bind and I'm trying to not let this taint my feelings toward the church overall. He's made his play very well I must say. But advice from other ministers and seasoned Christians would be highly appreciated as well! And if possible, please keep them and the church in your prayers...this has me very concerned and worried, not just for the church and them as pastors there, but over their souls and where they're at as well as my poor little brother who's only near 16. Thanks!

Edit: I will add that I am contemplating writing a letter to them, however I am unsure and feel this would possibly be unwise to do. As it could provoke anger in them, even when written with no disrespect and coming from a point of concern and love, of which I do not want nor wish over them but rather for peace and that it leads to betterment of them and healing between us all.

We are in last days don't expect paradise on earth yet , things like that will be common and even worse . If you want you can separate yourself from them but you need to make decision yourself .
Matthew 10:21 King James Version (KJV)
21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death

 

[AnnaDeborah]

Praying for wisdom for you and for healing and restoration.

I agree that it might be helpful to get some advice from experienced people who are outside the situation. Often, churches can be reluctant to admit that their are problems like this within the body.

Is there any way your brother is able to live with you or another family member? Obviously, those living in the family home/under parental control are at the greatest risk.

One thing I would stress - if you have children in the future, be very careful only to let them have supervised contact with your parents even if they do appear to have changed. My mother was abused by her father who was a church leader. When I was young, we went to visit them regularly. She told my grandfather in front of me that he was not to hurt me in any way (she'd spoken in front of me about the abuse). My mother assumed that because of her actions and because he was more respectful to her as a married woman, either he would not hurt me or if he did, I would report it to her. From my point of view, as a small child, I thought that because my mother knew my grandfather could be abusive, she was ok with whatever he did because after all, she was allowing me to stay there and she'd told him she would take action if he did anything wrong... So I put up with it from aged around 7 to late teens when I became physically stronger than he was and was able to fight back. My mother was horrified when she found out. I would say, however much someone appears to have changed, if they have been abusive in the past, do not let them have ANY unsupervised contact with your children. Don't just assume your kids will report abuse to you.

 

[Westtmd]

Praying for wisdom for you and for healing and restoration.

I agree that it might be helpful to get some advice from experienced people who are outside the situation. Often, churches can be reluctant to admit that their are problems like this within the body.

Is there any way your brother is able to live with you or another family member? Obviously, those living in the family home/under parental control are at the greatest risk.

One thing I would stress - if you have children in the future, be very careful only to let them have supervised contact with your parents even if they do appear to have changed. My mother was abused by her father who was a church leader. When I was young, we went to visit them regularly. She told my grandfather in front of me that he was not to hurt me in any way (she'd spoken in front of me about the abuse). My mother assumed that because of her actions and because he was more respectful to her as a married woman, either he would not hurt me or if he did, I would report it to her. From my point of view, as a small child, I thought that because my mother knew my grandfather could be abusive, she was ok with whatever he did because after all, she was allowing me to stay there and she'd told him she would take action if he did anything wrong... So I put up with it from aged around 7 to late teens when I became physically stronger than he was and was able to fight back. My mother was horrified when she found out. I would say, however much someone appears to have changed, if they have been abusive in the past, do not let them have ANY unsupervised contact with your children. Don't just assume your kids will report abuse to you.

I have been seeking wisdom from my mother-in-law and she has been a great help to me through all of this and has been through similar family issues as well. She knows my mother somewhat well, and mom has sought her wisdom too in times past, and it did come off as a surprise to her hearing them in this light...but it broke her heart more than anything. And I thankfully know I can come to her with trust, confidentiality and knowing I will receive no judgement.

I'm not sure, as I am worried about legal issues and know nothing on legal terms involving getting my brother to live with me. And to add on, we don't have any tangible proof of anything to warrant getting him to legally stay with me, since I've heard that's necessary, but like I said I'm not too knowledgeable in the legal realm. If I could financially afford it and we had enough living space, my husband and I would so desperately take him in! As for other family, not really no. Outside of grandparents, but on both sides they have bad health and they're getting up there in age, plus I don't think they'd really agree...then you have the fact that my mother's family is toxic as well. I have however let my brother know I am there whenever he needs me, at any hour of any day. Even if he needs to come over and vent or just relax, so there's always that. Thankfully he only has a couple years left and plans to save up to leave at 18.

My husband and I also do plan to be very careful when we have kids and contact they have with my parents, I don't think anything bad would happen, but why risk it right? I do not want my kids dealing with anything I've dealt with ever. I don't think I'd let my future kids stay with them overnight either, at any point, honestly.

 

[dqhall]

I had no idea where to put this and felt this might be the best place, given what it's directed at? If not, I'm more than happy to move it to where it needs to be! Sorry if it's a little too long and emotional, I've been struggling hardcore with my family abuse.

The people on topic are in fact my parents. My father is the full-time paid worship pastor at my church and my mother volunteers with vocals occasionally, but also helps with the treasury, "secretary" work and with the kids (occasionally as well). I believe they love God and they love their ministry...but knowing what I've grown up with and seeing the life behind our home's closed door that is still ongoing, makes me question if they should be in ministry. They have for the past 4 years that I can remember and is still ongoing, treated my brother and I (though I am newly married now) with emotional abuse and verbal abuse, with physical abuse on very rare occasions. Most of the issue lies with our mother, but our father plays his part just as much, however he's also more of the back up for mother usually. Mother has told my brother "don't be a douche" when our children's minister took something he said sarcastically which was totally not the case, and this was in our parents office in the church with door wide open, while the CP was present. The CP himself even told my brother "it's just what parent's do" and shrugged it off, he doesn't even have kids himself. My mother has mocked a "maybe I'd be better off dead" comment I've made when she knows I've attempted and almost got close to it again the same night. I'm not sure how my brother is, but I know I'm majorly terrified of them and any conflict and have anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns, since they've gotten to the point of just sarcastically laughing at us during any fights. And mother swears all the time at home, more so during fights. They show no fruits of the spirit at home but kinda do at church or in public only, never pray together anymore or have any family time really, no devotions...nothing. It's like they stopped caring and hate us anymore with how we're treated, yet have compassion for others with bad struggles and abusive families.

I've been praying about it because the more I've done research on abuse and scriptures about it, the more I'm terribly bothered by this and so is my husband. More so because they've never been held accountable as pastors that actively participate in this vile behavior and God detests abuse in any form so much, and they've been in music ministry for 9 years at 3 different churches might I add. We're all sinners this is true, and while maybe it's my view, I don't think you should be in ministry yet actively do awful things that could ruin your child's walk and overall health. How can you expect to feed and minister to your church and outside of it, if you can't even do it at home with your kids? They put off a very interesting mask to church family that is very much a fake persona. We've never felt God in their house when fought fight and never feel him with them at all, he felt farther away than ever and like there was just oppression and stuff creeping in instead. And I fear my brother is questioning God somewhat too...I know I struggled given what we've been taught in church yet never correlating with what we lived with at home. I'm going to keep in prayer with my husband and meditate on scriptures for wisdom and even keep ear for what I should/or shouldn't do, as Satan has me in a bind and I'm trying to not let this taint my feelings toward the church overall. He's made his play very well I must say. But advice from other ministers and seasoned Christians would be highly appreciated as well! And if possible, please keep them and the church in your prayers...this has me very concerned and worried, not just for the church and them as pastors there, but over their souls and where they're at as well as my poor little brother who's only near 16. Thanks!

Edit: I will add that I am contemplating writing a letter to them, however I am unsure and feel this would possibly be unwise to do. As it could provoke anger in them, even when written with no disrespect and coming from a point of concern and love, of which I do not want nor wish over them but rather for peace and that it leads to betterment of them and healing between us all.

Matthew 5:43 (WEB) "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor, and hate your enemy.' 44 But I tell you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who mistreat you and persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Don't even the tax collectors do the same? 47 If you only greet your friends, what more do you do than others? Don't even the tax collectors do the same? 48 Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.