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AnnaDeborah

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My husband and I also do plan to be very careful when we have kids and contact they have with my parents, I don't think anything bad would happen, but why risk it right?
Right. My mother didn't think anything bad would happen to me either - better to be safe than sorry.

I am so glad you have a wise mother-in-law to help you and that she is able to respond in love to your mother as well as to you. Your mother is obviously suffering a great deal of hurt herself and needs healing (not that this excuses abuse).
 
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Westtmd

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I take it your dad is NOT the senior pastor?

Is that congregation independent or part of a denomination?
My father is not the senior pastor, no. Just the worship pastor and the church he ministers in is a First Assembly of God/Pentecostal, if this answers your question properly :)
 
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rockytopva

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I find myself reminding people these days, more and more, that the unction of God is not human ego! On the what is a Methodist definition John Wesley was sure to say...

10. For he is "pure in heart." The love of God has purified his heart from all revengeful passions, from envy, malice, and wrath, from every unkind temper or malign affection. It hath cleansed him from pride and haughtiness of spirit, whereof alone cometh contention. And he hath now "put on bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering:" So that he "forbears and forgives, if he had a quarrel against any; even as God in Christ hath forgiven him." And indeed all possible ground for contention, on his part, is utterly cut off. For none can take from him what he desires; seeing he "loves not the world, nor" any of "the things of the world;" being now "crucified to the world, and the world crucified to him;" being dead to all that is in the world, both to "the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye, and the pride of life." For "all his desire is unto God, and to the remembrance of his name."

https://www.christianforums.com/threads/what-is-a-methodist.7828394/#post-65839982
 
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rockytopva

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My father is not the senior pastor, no. Just the worship pastor and the church he ministers in is a First Assembly of God/Pentecostal, if this answers your question properly :)

My denomination is Pentecostal Holiness. It does look like the unction of God has been swapped for human ego and I don't like it either.
 
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Dave-W

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My father is not the senior pastor, no. Just the worship pastor and the church he ministers in is a First Assembly of God/Pentecostal, if this answers your question properly :)
OK that is good.

As a ministry leader, you will need another witness or 2 to bring an accusation:

1 Timothy 5:19
Do not receive an accusation against an elder [ministry leader] except on the basis of two or three witnesses.​

If you have that you should take it first to the senior pastor and if he will not do anything, do some research on how to appeal it to the district board of the Assemblies. Then make the appeal.
 
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discipler7

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Advice On Abusive Pastors?
Sorry if it's a little too long and emotional, I've been struggling hardcore with my family abuse. The people on topic are in fact my parents.
Advice on Disobedient/Rebellious Sons?
COLOSSIANS.3:18-21 = The Christian Home
18 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.

20 Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.
21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

EXODUS.20:12 = 12 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
 
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tdidymas

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I had no idea where to put this and felt this might be the best place, given what it's directed at? If not, I'm more than happy to move it to where it needs to be! Sorry if it's a little too long and emotional, I've been struggling hardcore with my family abuse.

The people on topic are in fact my parents. My father is the full-time paid worship pastor at my church and my mother volunteers with vocals occasionally, but also helps with the treasury, "secretary" work and with the kids (occasionally as well). I believe they love God and they love their ministry...but knowing what I've grown up with and seeing the life behind our home's closed door that is still ongoing, makes me question if they should be in ministry. They have for the past 4 years that I can remember and is still ongoing, treated my brother and I (though I am newly married now) with emotional abuse and verbal abuse, with physical abuse on very rare occasions. Most of the issue lies with our mother, but our father plays his part just as much, however he's also more of the back up for mother usually. Mother has told my brother "don't be a douche" when our children's minister took something he said sarcastically which was totally not the case, and this was in our parents office in the church with door wide open, while the CP was present. The CP himself even told my brother "it's just what parent's do" and shrugged it off, he doesn't even have kids himself. My mother has mocked a "maybe I'd be better off dead" comment I've made when she knows I've attempted and almost got close to it again the same night. I'm not sure how my brother is, but I know I'm majorly terrified of them and any conflict and have anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns, since they've gotten to the point of just sarcastically laughing at us during any fights. And mother swears all the time at home, more so during fights. They show no fruits of the spirit at home but kinda do at church or in public only, never pray together anymore or have any family time really, no devotions...nothing. It's like they stopped caring and hate us anymore with how we're treated, yet have compassion for others with bad struggles and abusive families.

I've been praying about it because the more I've done research on abuse and scriptures about it, the more I'm terribly bothered by this and so is my husband. More so because they've never been held accountable as pastors that actively participate in this vile behavior and God detests abuse in any form so much, and they've been in music ministry for 9 years at 3 different churches might I add. We're all sinners this is true, and while maybe it's my view, I don't think you should be in ministry yet actively do awful things that could ruin your child's walk and overall health. How can you expect to feed and minister to your church and outside of it, if you can't even do it at home with your kids? They put off a very interesting mask to church family that is very much a fake persona. We've never felt God in their house when fought fight and never feel him with them at all, he felt farther away than ever and like there was just oppression and stuff creeping in instead. And I fear my brother is questioning God somewhat too...I know I struggled given what we've been taught in church yet never correlating with what we lived with at home. I'm going to keep in prayer with my husband and meditate on scriptures for wisdom and even keep ear for what I should/or shouldn't do, as Satan has me in a bind and I'm trying to not let this taint my feelings toward the church overall. He's made his play very well I must say. But advice from other ministers and seasoned Christians would be highly appreciated as well! And if possible, please keep them and the church in your prayers...this has me very concerned and worried, not just for the church and them as pastors there, but over their souls and where they're at as well as my poor little brother who's only near 16. Thanks!

Edit: I will add that I am contemplating writing a letter to them, however I am unsure and feel this would possibly be unwise to do. As it could provoke anger in them, even when written with no disrespect and coming from a point of concern and love, of which I do not want nor wish over them but rather for peace and that it leads to betterment of them and healing between us all.

There was a point in my life when I had to distance myself from my parents, to some extent. If a rash develops because of rubbing on something rough, there comes a time when the rubbing has to stop in order for the rash to heal; otherwise, the soreness continues.

I know you're concerned about your brother. Ask yourself the question, what example am I to him? If you continue the prickly relationship with your parents by continuing to attend the same church, etc., then won't he follow suit, seeing it's the only thing he knows? It is sort of like an enablement of the behavior (in a way). But if you have the guts to go elsewhere and distance yourself, perhaps it might give your brother the idea that he could do the same, in order to facilitate his healing.

The end result should be to forgive your parents for their shortcomings and start treating them better than they treat you. This would be a sure sign of your healing and God's work in you for overcoming familial sins.

Before you write any letters, consider that it might be a "document" that they refer to any time they want to jab you again. If you can rebuke them in the same spirit and form of Paul's rebuke to the Corinthians (and elsewhere), then power to you.

After I got to a certain level of maturity in my walk, I was able to rebuke my mother in love for something she did. I of course, referenced how God is in control of my life and is able to protect and guide me without her "help." Any time we feel the strength to rebuke someone, it should always have the element of trying to direct their faith toward God, and should not be with any agenda to hurt them back.
TD:)
 
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Dorothy Mae

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I had no idea where to put this and felt this might be the best place, given what it's directed at? If not, I'm more than happy to move it to where it needs to be! Sorry if it's a little too long and emotional, I've been struggling hardcore with my family abuse.

The people on topic are in fact my parents. My father is the full-time paid worship pastor at my church and my mother volunteers with vocals occasionally, but also helps with the treasury, "secretary" work and with the kids (occasionally as well). I believe they love God and they love their ministry...but knowing what I've grown up with and seeing the life behind our home's closed door that is still ongoing, makes me question if they should be in ministry. They have for the past 4 years that I can remember and is still ongoing, treated my brother and I (though I am newly married now) with emotional abuse and verbal abuse, with physical abuse on very rare occasions. Most of the issue lies with our mother, but our father plays his part just as much, however he's also more of the back up for mother usually. Mother has told my brother "don't be a douche" when our children's minister took something he said sarcastically which was totally not the case, and this was in our parents office in the church with door wide open, while the CP was present. The CP himself even told my brother "it's just what parent's do" and shrugged it off, he doesn't even have kids himself. My mother has mocked a "maybe I'd be better off dead" comment I've made when she knows I've attempted and almost got close to it again the same night. I'm not sure how my brother is, but I know I'm majorly terrified of them and any conflict and have anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns, since they've gotten to the point of just sarcastically laughing at us during any fights. And mother swears all the time at home, more so during fights. They show no fruits of the spirit at home but kinda do at church or in public only, never pray together anymore or have any family time really, no devotions...nothing. It's like they stopped caring and hate us anymore with how we're treated, yet have compassion for others with bad struggles and abusive families.

I've been praying about it because the more I've done research on abuse and scriptures about it, the more I'm terribly bothered by this and so is my husband. More so because they've never been held accountable as pastors that actively participate in this vile behavior and God detests abuse in any form so much, and they've been in music ministry for 9 years at 3 different churches might I add. We're all sinners this is true, and while maybe it's my view, I don't think you should be in ministry yet actively do awful things that could ruin your child's walk and overall health. How can you expect to feed and minister to your church and outside of it, if you can't even do it at home with your kids? They put off a very interesting mask to church family that is very much a fake persona. We've never felt God in their house when fought fight and never feel him with them at all, he felt farther away than ever and like there was just oppression and stuff creeping in instead. And I fear my brother is questioning God somewhat too...I know I struggled given what we've been taught in church yet never correlating with what we lived with at home. I'm going to keep in prayer with my husband and meditate on scriptures for wisdom and even keep ear for what I should/or shouldn't do, as Satan has me in a bind and I'm trying to not let this taint my feelings toward the church overall. He's made his play very well I must say. But advice from other ministers and seasoned Christians would be highly appreciated as well! And if possible, please keep them and the church in your prayers...this has me very concerned and worried, not just for the church and them as pastors there, but over their souls and where they're at as well as my poor little brother who's only near 16. Thanks!

Edit: I will add that I am contemplating writing a letter to them, however I am unsure and feel this would possibly be unwise to do. As it could provoke anger in them, even when written with no disrespect and coming from a point of concern and love, of which I do not want nor wish over them but rather for peace and that it leads to betterment of them and healing between us all.
Dear West,
That’s a lot to chew on, of course. The first thing I’d recommend is deciding to love truth. Call a spade a spade. Your parents do not love God. They likely love the attention and power they get from their ministry. Maybe that even get admiration and praise from people. If what you say is true, they get NONE of that from God. No man can love God and be so hateful to people made in his image.

Second, I wouldn’t write them this. What good would it do?

Third, you need to forgive their SIN. And it’s hypocrisy big time. Now, if the relationship is damaging, you might consider reducing interaction. You likely need God to reparent you to bring healing. Then your parents move into a different role.

But make no mistake, you’ll need to love truth and call their sin what it is and forgive it.

That’s how I see it.
 
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AlexDTX

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The people on topic are in fact my parents. My father is the full-time paid worship pastor at my church and my mother volunteers with vocals occasionally, but also helps with the treasury, "secretary" work and with the kids (occasionally as well).
There have been many good answers. I just want to point out that abuse is systemic. In other words, many who are attracted to professional clergy want power and authority over other people. This is true in politics, too. Lord Acton said that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. The system encourages a works mentality as well. James says that if we break one of the commandments we have broken them all. The world says, if we do one good thing right, that covers all the wrongs we have committed. This is the heart of the works mentality in self justification. Followers of Christ understand that we can do nothing in our own strength so we rely on His strength to carry us. Therefore we have nothing to boast about since we accept that we are total failures and any good we have done is because of Him. A follower of Christ does not try to change others, but rather point others to Christ. Telling others what they should do is also part of that works mentality. It says, since I judge myself right by my works, others are only right if they do things my way, too.

There are many godly men and women in the professional clergy. I am not speaking against them, I am saying that the clergy system itself encourages self justification and the works mentality.

As for you and your parents, you are a married woman. You are to leave your family and cleave to your husband as you build your new family. I suggest you simply separate your self from them. Be polite. Participate in appropriate family gatherings, but otherwise, have little to do with them until you and your husband have your own strong family based upon your own faith and practice.
 
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oldrunner

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My advice is to go to another Chruch and create some "space". Since you are married, you and your husband are a family unit, and you are under his headship, and not under the authorty of your parents any longer. (Ge. 2:24) This does not mean being disrespectful to your parents, but learning to do things on your own as a man and woman of God, and making your own descions. Many parents still try to control the kids after they are out of the household and married, and the kids have a hard time knowing how to say "No". I take it your are out of the house and are living on your own?

Space away from the situation-and your parents, will allow you to think more clearly, and time will help you to put forgiveness in operation-as others have pointed out. This will be key for you to move forward. There are many dysfuntional families in the Church, cause we are all imperfect- and we have sheep and goats (saved and unsaved) interacting, only God knows the heart. We pile up a lot of "baggage", that needs to be got rid of. Just like people who don't know God. :( If the Sin of your parents is/was something illegal-like sexual abuse or severe beatings, there are legal pathways you can explore.

Your brother is still under thier roof and under their authority. (Col. 3) If there is nothing illegal, how they treat your brother is up to them- even if it is not the best in your eyes. They will be judged by God for what they did and did not do as parents. (1st Pet. 4:5)

If you do decide to go the Church disipline route, it will get more messy and harder, IMO. This sounds like a family issue more to me, and it may take years for you to work through this. Ist Peter 4:8 says, "Love covers a multitude of sins". If we are operating out of love, many times we will suffer loss becuse we don't get repaid in kind. But love and forgiveness is the high road that is very difficult, but pleasing to God. (Mat. 6:14)

Whatever you do, I pray God will direct your steps and path in this situation. :prayer:
 
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Persis

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I had no idea where to put this and felt this might be the best place, given what it's directed at? If not, I'm more than happy to move it to where it needs to be! Sorry if it's a little too long and emotional, I've been struggling hardcore with my family abuse.

The people on topic are in fact my parents. My father is the full-time paid worship pastor at my church and my mother volunteers with vocals occasionally, but also helps with the treasury, "secretary" work and with the kids (occasionally as well). I believe they love God and they love their ministry...but knowing what I've grown up with and seeing the life behind our home's closed door that is still ongoing, makes me question if they should be in ministry. They have for the past 4 years that I can remember and is still ongoing, treated my brother and I (though I am newly married now) with emotional abuse and verbal abuse, with physical abuse on very rare occasions. Most of the issue lies with our mother, but our father plays his part just as much, however he's also more of the back up for mother usually. Mother has told my brother "don't be a douche" when our children's minister took something he said sarcastically which was totally not the case, and this was in our parents office in the church with door wide open, while the CP was present. The CP himself even told my brother "it's just what parent's do" and shrugged it off, he doesn't even have kids himself. My mother has mocked a "maybe I'd be better off dead" comment I've made when she knows I've attempted and almost got close to it again the same night. I'm not sure how my brother is, but I know I'm majorly terrified of them and any conflict and have anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns, since they've gotten to the point of just sarcastically laughing at us during any fights. And mother swears all the time at home, more so during fights. They show no fruits of the spirit at home but kinda do at church or in public only, never pray together anymore or have any family time really, no devotions...nothing. It's like they stopped caring and hate us anymore with how we're treated, yet have compassion for others with bad struggles and abusive families.

I've been praying about it because the more I've done research on abuse and scriptures about it, the more I'm terribly bothered by this and so is my husband. More so because they've never been held accountable as pastors that actively participate in this vile behavior and God detests abuse in any form so much, and they've been in music ministry for 9 years at 3 different churches might I add. We're all sinners this is true, and while maybe it's my view, I don't think you should be in ministry yet actively do awful things that could ruin your child's walk and overall health. How can you expect to feed and minister to your church and outside of it, if you can't even do it at home with your kids? They put off a very interesting mask to church family that is very much a fake persona. We've never felt God in their house when fought fight and never feel him with them at all, he felt farther away than ever and like there was just oppression and stuff creeping in instead. And I fear my brother is questioning God somewhat too...I know I struggled given what we've been taught in church yet never correlating with what we lived with at home. I'm going to keep in prayer with my husband and meditate on scriptures for wisdom and even keep ear for what I should/or shouldn't do, as Satan has me in a bind and I'm trying to not let this taint my feelings toward the church overall. He's made his play very well I must say. But advice from other ministers and seasoned Christians would be highly appreciated as well! And if possible, please keep them and the church in your prayers...this has me very concerned and worried, not just for the church and them as pastors there, but over their souls and where they're at as well as my poor little brother who's only near 16. Thanks!

Edit: I will add that I am contemplating writing a letter to them, however I am unsure and feel this would possibly be unwise to do. As it could provoke anger in them, even when written with no disrespect and coming from a point of concern and love, of which I do not want nor wish over them but rather for peace and that it leads to betterment of them and healing between us all.
Westtmd, I am sorry for your pain.. I wonder if what hurts and traumatizes you the most is that your parents lived a hypocratic double life, and nobody knew. They looked perfect on the outside, but on the inside, they were completely different. They treated the church people with careful and controlled intent, but they were not able to do that with you,their child, and instead, abused you.. That is great pain there...

I think you will be okay.. I really do.. I think you show great depth of understanding and compassion for your age, for all sides..and you want what is best for everyone. You want God's will, and I believe with such a drive He will heal you, and you will see through this. It's great to talk about it with other believers, so you can get it out of your brain and organize it better, and receive help and encouragement,as well, as not feeling isolated and alone. I hope this forum blesses you in your journey.

I agree that probably at this point, good boundaries are really important, so that they cannot be given a chance to continue their abuse of you. You have to formulate what is your cut off point for walking away or for getting safe space. Some people will find this very hard.. I took a course once at church on good boundaries once. Maybe there is one for you to find. I learned there that people just keep taking it over and over again, maybe every year to several... it never seems to get old. : )

I knew someone who married a pastor in a rather large church. She went out with him for 1 year and everything seems fine. As soon as they got married, he started to put her down, and twist his words to confuse her. I don't know how one would label a person such as this, but it was more than what is normal. In any case, he started hitting and beating her. She found out that his parents knew about it and that the father did it, but worst of all the church members also knew because of past girlfriends, and nobody told her. So I guess, just because they are pastors and they seem to know the bible more than us (it's their whole life's work) that we naturally think they are perfect. Another story close to home as well, was where a pastor and his wife were charged with sexual molestation and abuse.. nobody knew. . I mean it was just so shocking to hear...It is always shocking to hear.

I wrote that because it might help you to know for a fact, that this happens elsewhere, too. It's not to diminish your pain, but rather to help you realize that you are not alone in your suffering, and thus give you strength to carry on.. rather than cripple .. and to continue to lean on the Lord for comfort, to see you through.

I wish you the very best outcome.. God bless you !



 
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