Advice needed on waiting for marriage

[Andrew77]

My daughter sees no point in waiting for marriage to be intimate. Her excuse is what if I never get married? Should i go thru life a virgin? Nobody waits for marriage. ..and in this culture its considered liberating. What advice should i give her on reasons to wait and how should i respond if she chooses to not to. As a mother this is difficult and awkward since she thinks my reasons are archaic...love your input.

How old is this girl, will determine when influence you have left. If she is young, then you need to get with a woman from your church who can talk to her. That assumes she is young enough you still have influence. It doesn't sound like it from what you posted.

First, you need to talk to your husband, her father. The husband has vastly more influence, than a mother ever has. The morals of the father are passed on to the children, roughly about 85% of the time. For a mother, it's only about 15%.

You need the man to step into her life, and talk to her about doing life right.

However, if this daughter is in her late teens, or twenties... you may not have any influence left. By the late teen years, the chance that you are going to change her moral values at that time is almost nil.

When she says things like "nobody waits for marriage" and "what if I never get married" and "Should I go through life a virgin", that indicates that she is completely into the worlds belief system on marriage and relationships.

I'm not sure what she has been taught by you or the church you went to, but she does not have any of it now.

I think your only option at this point, is to pray that G-d will bring into her life, someone that she respects, that she looks up to, that will tell her the good way to live.

I can't think of anything else that will influence someone so lost in worldly thought.

 

[heal103]

It's great that the two of you are talking about this, and that you are sharing your more experienced perspective. But the input of others her age will carry a lot of weight, and these days the culture tells (sells) only one side of the story to the kids, and it repeats it over and over.

Try doing a youtube search on 'waiting for marriage'. There are a ton of hits. One that stuck out, that I watched and think is excellent, is:

This was very helpful..thanks

 

[Lost4words]

It's great that the two of you are talking about this, and that you are sharing your more experienced perspective. But the input of others her age will carry a lot of weight, and these days the culture tells (sells) only one side of the story to the kids, and it repeats it over and over.

Try doing a youtube search on 'waiting for marriage'. There are a ton of hits. One that stuck out, that I watched and think is excellent, is:

That is a great video. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Andrew77]

I just found this old video.

Maybe watch it. Maybe have her watch it. See what she says.

 

[Dan61861]

Tell her the truth about sex. Share your experiences with her. How when two people are joined they truly are join, she loses a part of herself while he'll always be a part of her. Explain to her how casual sex dulls, hardens the heart. Which will have detrimental effects on her one true love. Let her know she is giving her most deepest parts to men who won't care. That She'll fall in love and suffer deep heart ache when he views their relationship as nothing but sex. Not only is she saving her virginity, she's saving herself from pain, loss and heartache.

In Christ
Daniel

 

[mnphysicist]

Also she wants to go on birth control so she doesn't get pregnant. Even though its not 100% effective. I want to give her a moral reason that she is set apart, our bodies are to honor God but I cant compete with the message of the world

Moral reasons, like being holy or honoring God alone rarely work very well when it comes to sexual matters... as
1. Human desire runs very high, especially for younger folks.
2. The world says emotional investment in a relationship brings about lots of hurt when it fails, so you better explore sexual compatibility before you get too emotionally invested. Thus the 3 date rule...
3. Christian divorce rates are little different than the world. Sexual assault and adultery in the church exists all over the world, in every state, and likely in every county. STD rates in the US Bible belt have reached levels never seen before. This sort of stuff kills the churches moral teaching authority. Sure, the scriptures may say one thing, but when the church acts counter to it, what are kids to believe... and maybe your church is still free of scandal, but this doesn't mean your daughter hasn't heard of a church that she couldn't drive to in under a day that has.

I once worked with a young university student who was working on mission development with her boyfriend. An amazing couple from an uber-conservative church, they'd often go preach on abstinence to other students and were very well regarded... until of course she got pregnant. It took a lot for me not to blow a gasket... but what can you do but love and support them at that point.

The last stats I read said something to the tune of 92% of born again Christians engaged in premarital sex by the time they reached 25. The figure seems a bit high based upon my personal experiences working with young adults, but whether its 92% or 70%, the church is failing in this.

Which leads to another problem, rather than relying on God's word, many well intentioned folks start telling lies, inadvertently repeat the lies of others to encourage waiting, or twist the scriptures turning virginity into an idol. This sort of garbage can prevent premarital sex some of the time, but it can also serve to doom marriages before they even get started.

I think a better approach is the use of reason and logic in combination with the scriptures.

1. She may want to have a good marriage at some point, with little to no fear that her husband will cheat on her, or that she would ever be tempted to cheat on him.
2. Behaviors do not change when folks say I do... if anything, they revert to a lower common denominator, as folks get more relaxed and are less willing to put on a show. 3. If you don't have a healthy sexual ethic going into marriage, saying I do won't change a problematic one into a healthy one. This is true whether folks have engaged in premarital sex or not. It needs to be developed over time, which will require self control.
4. Self control in marriage will be needed in times of rough spots, especially so when temptation rears its ugly head at the worst possible time... leaving one in peril of possibly not fleeing from temptation.
5. By not engaging in premarital sex, she is practicing self control, and the skill she learns in doing so can provide a lifetime of benefits whether she marries someone or not.

Tell her to ask here peers who have had a relationship last beyond the romance hormone stage... ~3 years as to whether sex is the glue that keeps it together. She will find it is not, and likely she will hear stories from believers and non-believers that building a relationship on sex alone is a really really bad idea as it's not sustainable.

So, if she loves someone, is she going to jeopardize this by sleeping with them early in the game which is likely preclude putting in the relationship work necessary for it to survive? If she really loves a guy, is she willing to put up with the heartache and potentially ruined plans of her and her boyfriend should their birth control fail?

Since she has drifted from God, appeals to personal holiness, and/or honoring God are unlikely to work, and should she still engage in premarital sex, can serve to put up barriers in her relationship with Him. So yes, by all means explain this... but don't pound it into the ground.

Its really awesome that you two are communicating with each other about this. Far too many parents and kids don't often to mutual peril. As far as if she does.. love her, just as you do now. If you find the ongoing practice personally offensive, you will need to decide if its ok if she and her boyfriend engage at your family home, or whether to provide them separate rooms, or ask them to stay at a hotel somewhere. Pray for her, pray for discernment for yourself as to how best to love and support her no matter which way she decides.

 

[Monk Brendan]

My daughter sees no point in waiting for marriage to be intimate. Her excuse is what if I never get married? Should i go thru life a virgin? Nobody waits for marriage. ..and in this culture its considered liberating. What advice should i give her on reasons to wait and how should i respond if she chooses to not to. As a mother this is difficult and awkward since she thinks my reasons are archaic...love your input.

How old is your daughter?

 

[Gregory95]

Have you tried sitting her down and explaining


Our bodies do not belong to us nor are we the body we are a spirit within a body that was given to us by God

Furthermore sex isn't just a action it has a deep physiologicl effect if you first off do not truly love the person and plan to be with them forever every time after your first sex gets cheaper and cheaper this is why harlots do not mind a lot of sex for it has become like trash in value

My daughter sees no point in waiting for marriage to be intimate. Her excuse is what if I never get married? Should i go thru life a virgin? Nobody waits for marriage. ..and in this culture its considered liberating. What advice should i give her on reasons to wait and how should i respond if she chooses to not to. As a mother this is difficult and awkward since she thinks my reasons are archaic...love your input.

 

[tizeik]

Tell her that " lower your standards"

 

[tizeik]

Most christian girls are not true christian they just like non christian because most of them want to get married because of money they are not follower of Christ . they are follower of this world .


and if your daughter is not a christian then you should ask her to "REPENT"

 

[Tropical Wilds]

So at 19, she’s an adult and can make her own decisions. Make sure she’s armed with what she needs to be in order to be safe and protected.

 

[derpytia]

Also she wants to go on birth control so she doesn't get pregnant. Even though its not 100% effective. I want to give her a moral reason that she is set apart, our bodies are to honor God but I cant compete with the message of the world

I'm gonna be honest with you here. If she started drifting from faith in high school and now in college she's asking for this, I can tell you right now that she will most likely not listen to a single word you say to her. Unless she comes back to God, she will do whatever she wants whenever she wants. That's the reality of her situation.

You have a choice to make here. You can either continue to try to dissuade her from having premarital sex and cross your fingers that either God/her conscious will come through or that she'll abstain from it anyway. Or you can take precautions and give her access to the birth control and condoms and stress the importance of using them to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

Premarital sex has its drawbacks but I think having a child out of wedlock prevents its own challenges. As a child born out of premarital sex with one parent who didn't want me from the beginning, I grieve for children born like this because if life doesn't hit them where it hurts early on it will do so later. No child born out of wedlock escapes this reality and it DOES hurt to know that either one or both parents didn't want you. It DOES hurt to know that you were unplanned.

 

[Swan7]

My daughter sees no point in waiting for marriage to be intimate. Her excuse is what if I never get married? Should i go thru life a virgin? Nobody waits for marriage. ..and in this culture its considered liberating. What advice should i give her on reasons to wait and how should i respond if she chooses to not to. As a mother this is difficult and awkward since she thinks my reasons are archaic...love your input.

I used to think like your daughter before fully coming to Christ. I thought of my own parents and how miserable they were together. I thought about their separation and how it messed their lives up. Just looking at that disgusted me about marriage and how I would never get married. I also thought of marriage as glorified dating because you can still divorce is something goes wrong... What's the point of it all?

I was a very lost child believing in God, but not exactly following Him either. I was very confused about a lot of things, but once I went before God He gave me wisdom and insight into my own life. God used my sin as a lesson (I confessed and gave Him the reigns over my life) and I learned from them. God then taught me His definition of marriage which is straight out of the Bible, His Word. Marriage started in the garden of Eden when God gave Adam a helper. He told them to be fruitful and multiply.
Jesus Christ spoke with a Samaritan woman at the well: John 4:16-18

Marriage is not at all what the world portrays it to be, but rather God's design.

I hope that you have gone to God about this matter as He really is the only One who can truly counsel you.

 

[timothyu]

In today's world of independence for both male and female, I'm surprised anyone even thinks of being together any more except for sex or perhaps kids. All the other reasons have changed with time. Sex seems to be the primary glue that binds today.

 

[Sketcher]

My daughter sees no point in waiting for marriage to be intimate. Her excuse is what if I never get married? Should i go thru life a virgin? Nobody waits for marriage. ..and in this culture its considered liberating. What advice should i give her on reasons to wait and how should i respond if she chooses to not to. As a mother this is difficult and awkward since she thinks my reasons are archaic...love your input.

Deciding to go with "everyone else's" bad decisions is itself a bad decision. Fornication will not make her a better person, it will not make her more marriageable to a good man, it very often burns people who get involved with it, and it's not really reversible regardless of whether or not she repents and is forgiven.

Also she wants to go on birth control so she doesn't get pregnant. Even though its not 100% effective. I want to give her a moral reason that she is set apart, our bodies are to honor God but I cant compete with the message of the world

That's a good enough reason. Have enough confidence in the goodness and rightness of the Christian message to declare it. As for how to do that, I'm not sure that I can tell you how. She's your daughter, and you've known her for 19 years longer than I have. Moreover, she wants to go on birth control so her mind might be completely made up already. Maybe she's already done it. I'm still waiting myself, but I want to wait. If she doesn't want to, I don't see how my reasons will be enough to convince her.

 

[sea5763]

nvm

 

[Ignatius the Kiwi]

Tell her the more sexual partners she has as a woman, she is less likely to be able to have a long term marriage.

 

[mama2one]

following

 

[ms.smith]

Just to update...shes almost 19. She grew up in a Christian home and was baptized but started drifting from her faith in high school and now college. Im praying for God to speak to her heart over this and to block her from going down this road

I will pray for you and your daughter. It is a tough age.

I just wanted to say I went through the same thing around 18, I ended up leaving the church for many years. I did not wait for marriage, so I don't have good advice on that. One thing I can say is don't make it an all or nothing thing. My church was very "save yourself for marriage", and that once you messed up you could never get it back (so, not a message of forgiveness). I messed up. Then I just figured oh well it was gone now, can't get it back, might as well live it up. By the time I came back to God and church, I was married already.

 

[ms.smith]

Also wanted to add, my younger sister (she is 24) is still waiting for marriage. She is not terribly happy though, she has never been in a serious relationship and is finding it hard to meet single men that are marriage material. It can be done, but it is hard on her. She hasn't told me, but I think she feels kind of like your daughter, feeling like she may never be married and may never get the chance.