Advice needed on waiting for marriage

[heal103]

My daughter sees no point in waiting for marriage to be intimate. Her excuse is what if I never get married? Should i go thru life a virgin? Nobody waits for marriage. ..and in this culture its considered liberating. What advice should i give her on reasons to wait and how should i respond if she chooses to not to. As a mother this is difficult and awkward since she thinks my reasons are archaic...love your input.

 

[crossnote]

Tell her too many girls have gotten burned, when they get knocked up and pregnant and the guy leaves. Marriage offers legal recourse.
Besides a man that is worth his salt will be willing to make that kind of commitment out of love for the girl.

 

[GodsGrace101]

My daughter sees no point in waiting for marriage to be intimate. Her excuse is what if I never get married? Should i go thru life a virgin? Nobody waits for marriage. ..and in this culture its considered liberating. What advice should i give her on reasons to wait and how should i respond if she chooses to not to. As a mother this is difficult and awkward since she thinks my reasons are archaic...love your input.

My input is that if she's discussing her sex life with you it means she's not ready for it.

Never heard of such a thing.....
She BETTER wait.

 

[GodsGrace101]

Tell her too many girls have gotten burned, when they get knocked up and pregnant and the guy leaves. Marriage offers legal recourse.
Besides a man that is worth his salt will be willing to make that kind of commitment out of love for the girl.

Whoa!
So pessimistic!

 

[maintenance man]

There's a good book on the topic called "The Wait" that might appeal to her.

Sometimes young people are more likely to take advice from other young people rather than their parents.

 

[Unofficial Reverand Alex]

Jason Evert has a lot of great advice on sex, marriage, and relationships. Here's one video that talks about your issue from a bit of a different angle, but pray for it to work & trust what comes next.

May God bless us all, especially you & your daughter!

 

[Albion]

Welcome to the club that almost every parent belongs to! Seriously, the first thing that I see is some lame reasoning on her part--

no point in waiting for marriage to be intimate. Her excuse is what if I never get married? Should i go thru life a virgin? Nobody waits for marriage

Well, no one is asking her to go through life unmarried or as a virgin, and the chances of that happening are slim. I wonder if she might be at all receptive to the idea that rushing into such things is not really necessary, even if "everyone" (says) they are doing it. And as we know, many people have regrets after that first time, mainly because the partner wasn't really worth doing it with.

I realize that the moral argument is not part of this reply, but I gather that you have already made use of it and she found it unpersuasive.

 

[GodsGrace101]

Welcome to the club that almost every parent belongs to! Seriously, the first thing that I see is some lame reasoning on her part--


Well, no one is asking her to go through life unmarried or as a virgin, and the chances of that happening are slim. I wonder if she might be at all receptive to the idea that rushing into such things is not really necessary, even if "everyone" (says) they are doing it. And as we know, many people have regrets after that first time, mainly because the partner wasn't really worth doing it with.

I realize that the moral argument is not part of this reply, but I gather that you have already made use of it and she found it unpersuasive.

I dislike advice columns.
How do you know she's "rushing" into it?
Did the O.P. state the age?
She could be 16 or she could be 29 for all we know.

 

[crossnote]

Whoa!
So pessimistic!

No, experienced.

 

[Albion]

The daughter's reasoning suggests someone young, most likely too young to be married. But if not, I am sure that heal103 will correct us.

That's one problem with advice threads on CF. The poster usually isn't able to give us every last piece of information we might need, not in the OP. So we have to work on the matter over a series of back and forth postings before the best approach to the problem comes out.

 

[Loyce KG]

My daughter sees no point in waiting for marriage to be intimate. Her excuse is what if I never get married? Should i go thru life a virgin? Nobody waits for marriage. ..and in this culture its considered liberating. What advice should i give her on reasons to wait and how should i respond if she chooses to not to. As a mother this is difficult and awkward since she thinks my reasons are archaic...love your input.

Is your daughter born again? If not, would you share the gospel of salvation with her. Beside that and giving her advice, pray,pray and pray. God changes people

 

[GodsGrace101]

No, experienced.

I know this could happen....
but not in most cases.
We have the pill now...the liberator of women.
She said sarcastically....

I think anyone that discusses this with their mother is too young to consider it...what I stated in my reply.
I'm sure we agree on that.

 

[usexpat97]

One thing I would say is that if she gets knocked up or sick, YOU get affected. Not just her.

 

[crossnote]

I know this could happen....
but not in most cases.
We have the pill now...the liberator of women.
She said sarcastically....

I think anyone that discusses this with their mother is too young to consider it...what I stated in my reply.
I'm sure we agree on that.

I'd respond, but 'debating' is not allowed on Advice Forums.

 

[heal103]

My daughter sees no point in waiting for marriage to be intimate. Her excuse is what if I never get married? Should i go thru life a virgin? Nobody waits for marriage. ..and in this culture its considered liberating. What advice should i give her on reasons to wait and how should i respond if she chooses to not to. As a mother this is difficult and awkward since she thinks my reasons are archaic...love your input.

Just to update...shes almost 19. She grew up in a Christian home and was baptized but started drifting from her faith in high school and now college. Im praying for God to speak to her heart over this and to block her from going down this road

 

[heal103]

Tell her too many girls have gotten burned, when they get knocked up and pregnant and the guy leaves. Marriage offers legal recourse.
Besides a man that is worth his salt will be willing to make that kind of commitment out of love for the girl.

Also she wants to go on birth control so she doesn't get pregnant. Even though its not 100% effective. I want to give her a moral reason that she is set apart, our bodies are to honor God but I cant compete with the message of the world

 

[timothyu]

Nobody waits for marriage. ..and in this culture its considered liberating.

There you go, rights before responsibility. A reversal of ideals over the past 30 years.

If she has made it to 19 without following this path, she is likely still open to reason. Ask her if she would like to buy a new or well used car? Ask her if the same would apply to a mate? Anyone can test drive a car but a diligent person would ensure that car is first worth even taking for a run. Unless of course their thing is just to enjoy test driving. But it takes a long time to know if a person is worth living with. Sex clouds the issue and the wrong brain kicks in, only to die a year or two down the road. Then what? Just like with education, regardless of what you want to do in life, it is good to have something to fall back on. When the sex is no longer the driving force what will be left? Better to not put the cart before the horse.

 

[paul1149]

It's great that the two of you are talking about this, and that you are sharing your more experienced perspective. But the input of others her age will carry a lot of weight, and these days the culture tells (sells) only one side of the story to the kids, and it repeats it over and over.

Try doing a youtube search on 'waiting for marriage'. There are a ton of hits. One that stuck out, that I watched and think is excellent, is:

 

[Elliewaves]

You should always keep the communication open - talk to your daughter and keep her wanting to talk to you, even about sex, even if she makes a mistake. If she is 19, she is ultimately an adult. Hopefully, you have talked with her about this before now as she was growing up. Hopefully she has years of conversation between the both of you about things like this in her mind so even if she skates close to danger that her mind and her conscience will draw her back. Pray for her and even with her.

ETA: I really hope you have built a lifetime of conversation with her and haven't just let her peers , culture, and the church shape her in her sexuality. Because if that's the case, she may unfortunately not act in the way you want her to. At 19, she's an adult and is going to do what she wants and no conversation late in the game or video is going to radically change her mind. 19 is not the age to discuss honoring God with your body and sex for the first time; that should have already happened. On the other hand if you have been active in talking to her about this in every stage of her life then she knows what you have taught her and the values you have imparted to her and you have to trust that as an adult she will make good choices.

 

[RaymondG]

My daughter sees no point in waiting for marriage to be intimate. Her excuse is what if I never get married? Should i go thru life a virgin? Nobody waits for marriage. ..and in this culture its considered liberating. What advice should i give her on reasons to wait and how should i respond if she chooses to not to. As a mother this is difficult and awkward since she thinks my reasons are archaic...love your input.

I would count it a blessing that she has gone this long. If she is still in your house, let her know that your rule is no sex while living there....and that she can do whatever she wants one she leaves. And explain the dangers of engaging in this act with the wrong person for if she decides to do so after she has left the house.