Adultery in the Church

[Gentle Lamb]

I still am hesitant to judge this situation. The state of the marriage, whether your elders know what's going on - you may have explicated these things and I may have missed them, but they can be critical.

In general though, this situation invokes deep consideration into the general state of the church. The NT church was more or less a cohesive unit, despite its problems. When that cohesion was violated there were consequences, as the story of Ananias and Sapphira dramatically shows. Today it's not that way, and any church that takes a stand risks a defamation suit. Perilous times, indeed.

I would commend to you two chapters: 1Cor 5 and Matthew 18. In Matthew, the protocol is given for dealing with a sinning brother. In 1Cor, Paul deals with an openly sinning brother that hasn't been disciplined.

I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people; I [did] not at all [mean] with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler--not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within [the church?] But those who are outside, God judges. REMOVE THE WICKED MAN FROM AMONG YOURSELVES. - 1Co 5:9-13​

Sorry if I've missed this, but have you talked to the elders about this? You could bring it up in general terms without mentioning names, to ascertain what they think about situations like this.

As for the state of the marriage, it seems that the man still has some affection for his wife. They are not divorced and still communicate. They also have small children. As for the lady, she seems to be trying to keep the other woman's husband for herself.

 

[Dave L]

I go to a small church. A couple met at the church last year and recently had a baby. Turns out one of them is married. The couple has been attending church together on and off together since they met. I am considering leaving the church due to knowing the details of the situation and seeing there is no repentance or steps towards correcting the situation (getting divorced/re-married). What is the best thing to do? It's been difficult for me to continue fellowship knowing the situation.

Whenever it bothers my conscience to put money into the offering plate, I move on. Adultery is rampant in the churches today if you consider the New Testament makes no provision for divorce and remarriage.

 

[paul1149]

As for the state of the marriage, it seems that the man still has some affection for his wife. They are not divorced and still communicate. They also have small children. As for the lady, she seems to be trying to keep the other woman's husband for herself.

I may have missed this, but what of the original wife? Does she still want her marriage? Did she commit adultery herself, first? That doesn't justify what the couple is doing, but it might mitigate it. This is why I've been hesitant to judge.

I recall running into a Christian I knew, now accompanied by her new spouse. I was stunned, but lacking the full story, I held my peace. It was up to the eldership of her new church to deal with the situation.

If you've already gone to the principals with your concerns, I would say you've done your part according to the Watchman Principle of Ezek 33 and can rest easy. Of course, after due circumspect consideration, you are free to distance yourself if that's appropriate, or to find a new church if you believe the elders have been remiss. There can be a fine line between wanting to stay in fellowship, in hope of repentance, and needing to draw the line against condoning sin. And whatever we do ought to be done in love.

 

[parousia70]

There are no adulterers in my church (and being an elder I would know about them).

Not sure what being an elder has to do with knowing the intricacies of Church members private lives?
As an elder do you make it your Job keep tabs on all members whereabouts, Comings and goings and all associations, 24/7?
Are your Church members required to submit to 24/7 surveillance from Elders?

I can assure you most adulterers do not broadcast their Adultery and can quite easily keep it a secret from everyone.

If they can keep it a secret from their spouses, they most certainly can keep it a secret from the elders at their church.

In short, I wouldn't be so sure of the lack of adultery in your church if I were you.

In fact, I'd take the opposite position, in that I would expect the percentage of Adulterers in my Church to mirror the national Average for Church Going Adulterers, which is about 14/100.

So, if you have a congregation of 200, you can expect nearly 30 of them are engaged, or have engaged, in a secret extra marital affair.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

I may have missed this, but what of the original wife? Does she still want her marriage? Did she commit adultery herself, first? That doesn't justify what the couple is doing, but it might mitigate it. This is why I've been hesitant to judge.

I recall running into a Christian I knew, now accompanied by her new spouse. I was stunned, but lacking the full story, I held my peace. It was up to the eldership of her new church to deal with the situation.

If you've already gone to the principals with your concerns, I would say you've done your part according to the Watchman Principle of Ezek 33 and can rest easy. Of course, after due circumspect consideration, you are free to distance yourself if that's appropriate, or to find a new church if you believe the elders have been remiss. There can be a fine line between wanting to stay in fellowship, in hope of repentance, and needing to draw the line against condoning sin. And whatever we do ought to be done in love.

I think the best thing to do will be for me to distance myself. I still try to show love but I also do not want to be drawn into this web of sin and I am mindful of my own salvation and that the word of God tells us about associating with evil doing. To be honest, I don't know all the details of the situation and I don't know if the wife committed adultery. I don't think she did based on what I know. But based on the replies in this thread it seems that adultery in the church is pretty rampant so I'm just going to try to keep my distance as much as I can.

 

[bèlla]

In fact, I'd take the opposite position, in that I would expect the percentage of Adulterers in my Church to mirror the national Average for Church Going Adulterers, which is about 14/100.

I agree. I used to go to a chat room years ago. Seventy percent of the participants were married. Most formed alliances with other members or were trying to do so. Some marriages ended because of it.

I saw the same elsewhere. Married people outnumber singles on most social platforms. They don’t always admit their status. You have to listen close and read between the lines.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Jaxxi]

Good luck finding a church without an adulterer in the pew. But maybe the next time you won't know about it and can be more comfortable.

There are many churches with sinners who have repented and have been forgiven. Those churches would be clean of past sins, wouldn't they?

 

[Jaxxi]

Thanks to the "seeker-sensitive" church model and the popularity of the false idea that the Church is a "hospital for the sin-sick," the Church is crowded with false brethren and the lost who bring with them lives full of "leaven," with little interest in leading the crucified life (Matthew 16:24-25; Galatians 2:20; Colossians 3:1-3), the life of holiness and sacrifice, unto which God has called all of His own. Their leaven has leavened the Church powerfully, just as Paul warned it would, so that now believers have taken up the notion that holiness is a pipe-dream, that a life largely free from sin is impossible.

When genuine believers look around their local community of believers, they see at every turn folks who are mired in all sorts of moral compromise. The resulting assumption the genuine believer often makes is that such compromised living is the norm. But what they are seeing in the Church is a degenerated, corrupt version of what is described in Scripture, created by the Church opening itself to the lost and the Satan-governed World and its assorted evil philosophies and values which the lost have embraced.

The Church is to go out into the World and preach the Gospel (Mark 16:15), not crowd itself with the World, with those who neither know nor love God. The Church is supposed to be separate from the World (2 Corinthians 6:14-18; James 4:4; Galatians 6:14; 1 John 2:15), the pure, holy Bride of Christ (Ephesians 5:25-27), shining as a light on a hill (Matthew 5:14-16), piercing the darkness of the World with God's truth, holiness and grace. Instead, the Church has taken in the sin-sick and all their "leaven" and become sin-sick itself, impotent spiritually, a dim and dying light among the lost.

Every genuine disciple of Christ is to be an evangelist, sharing the Gospel with the lost. And when they have brought the lost to a saving faith in Christ and discipled them in the basics of the faith, taking the time to see that the marks of genuine salvation are in evidence in the new believer's life, then they ought to introduce them to their brothers and sisters in Christ, the Church.

But the cult of personality, and the press for a money-making, empire-building, business-style form of Church life, and the idea that only certain paid leaders in the church are to evangelize and disciple, has fostered a version of the Church (at least in the West) where the lost are brought in to the local community of believers to hear the preacher (he's sooo amazing, you know!), and the worship team (never mind that you don't know Christ as your Saviour and Lord and cannot really properly worship Him) and to meet lots of nice people (who will never call you out on the sin that will ultimately destroy you) but never hear of their desperate need of Christ from the person who brought them.

And so, modern, western Christians look at the Bible and see in it a totally different Church from what they know. But, rather than conforming to what the Bible describes, many modern believers edit the Bible instead to make it more "relevant," which is to say, more in line with what they know as the Church: carnal, and Worldly and spiritually dead.

Ephesians 5:1-12
1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children;
2 and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.
3 But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints;
4 and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.
5 For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.
6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.
7 Therefore do not be partakers with them;
8 for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light
9 (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth),
10 trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them;
12 for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret.

I applaud your scripture choice to address this situation! Good answer!

 

[Jaxxi]

I submit it is not cynical but based upon a different life experience. I am a marriage and family therapist. People tell me things. I often deal with the wounds from adultery. I am sometimes surprised who is doing what to whom. People you would never suspect more often than you would ever expect. It is more often a well-kept secret than public knowledge.

My point is that OP is upset because of knowledge. In truth, we are around it all the time, but usually we do not know so it causes us no discomfort.

Being a marriage be counselor, if you were to take a wild guess, what percentage ( roughly) of people today cheat on their spouses? I am going to guess about 75% . ( American population)

 

[The Liturgist]

This is extremely cynical. There are no adulterers in my church (and being an elder I would know about them).

Also, how can you make a statement such as "maybe the next time you won't know about it and can be more comfortable"? Have you discussed your attitude with the Lord yet?

Almost everyone commits adultery in their heart through lustful impulses. Anyone who is a confessor can confirm that these impulses, even if not acted on, are frequently confessed. A subset of these people act on these impulses, even though they might not commit an actual adulterous act with another person. It is due to the corrupt and fallen human condition.

However it is probable that no one in your church is in an adulterous relationship, since you would know.

 

[The Liturgist]

Thanks to the "seeker-sensitive" church model and the popularity of the false idea that the Church is a "hospital for the sin-sick," the Church is crowded with false brethren and the lost who bring with them lives full of "leaven," with little interest in leading the crucified life (Matthew 16:24-25; Galatians 2:20; Colossians 3:1-3), the life of holiness and sacrifice, unto which God has called all of His own. Their leaven has leavened the Church powerfully, just as Paul warned it would, so that now believers have taken up the notion that holiness is a pipe-dream, that a life largely free from sin is impossible.

When genuine believers look around their local community of believers, they see at every turn folks who are mired in all sorts of moral compromise. The resulting assumption the genuine believer often makes is that such compromised living is the norm. But what they are seeing in the Church is a degenerated, corrupt version of what is described in Scripture, created by the Church opening itself to the lost and the Satan-governed World and its assorted evil philosophies and values which the lost have embraced.

The Church is to go out into the World and preach the Gospel (Mark 16:15), not crowd itself with the World, with those who neither know nor love God. The Church is supposed to be separate from the World (2 Corinthians 6:14-18; James 4:4; Galatians 6:14; 1 John 2:15), the pure, holy Bride of Christ (Ephesians 5:25-27), shining as a light on a hill (Matthew 5:14-16), piercing the darkness of the World with God's truth, holiness and grace. Instead, the Church has taken in the sin-sick and all their "leaven" and become sin-sick itself, impotent spiritually, a dim and dying light among the lost.

Every genuine disciple of Christ is to be an evangelist, sharing the Gospel with the lost. And when they have brought the lost to a saving faith in Christ and discipled them in the basics of the faith, taking the time to see that the marks of genuine salvation are in evidence in the new believer's life, then they ought to introduce them to their brothers and sisters in Christ, the Church.

But the cult of personality, and the press for a money-making, empire-building, business-style form of Church life, and the idea that only certain paid leaders in the church are to evangelize and disciple, has fostered a version of the Church (at least in the West) where the lost are brought in to the local community of believers to hear the preacher (he's sooo amazing, you know!), and the worship team (never mind that you don't know Christ as your Saviour and Lord and cannot really properly worship Him) and to meet lots of nice people (who will never call you out on the sin that will ultimately destroy you) but never hear of their desperate need of Christ from the person who brought them.

And so, modern, western Christians look at the Bible and see in it a totally different Church from what they know. But, rather than conforming to what the Bible describes, many modern believers edit the Bible instead to make it more "relevant," which is to say, more in line with what they know as the Church: carnal, and Worldly and spiritually dead.

Ephesians 5:1-12
1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children;
2 and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.
3 But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints;
4 and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.
5 For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.
6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.
7 Therefore do not be partakers with them;
8 for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light
9 (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth),
10 trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them;
12 for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret.

While it is true that through the grace of the Holy Spirit received sacramentally and through prayer one can, through asceticism, overcome the passions which induce sin and live the “angelic life” in a monastery, for those living in the world, while our faith in God and the grace we receive through prayer, the Eucharist and other sacraments can help us to fight off temptations and become less sinful, worldly temptations remain which inflame the passions and produce sin in even the best of us. So the Church is a hospital for sinners, in that we provide the sacraments so that people may be born again in Christ Jesus, receive the seal of the Holy Spirit, partake of his body and blood for the remission of sins and life everlasting, and additionally have our sins individually or collectively forgiven by the ministers empowered to do so in Matthew 16.

 

[seeking.IAM]

Being a marriage be counselor, if you were to take a wild guess, what percentage ( roughly) of people today cheat on their spouses? I am going to guess about 75% . ( American population)

I really can't say. Any estimate I might make is based upon the particular segment I see - that is those that are making an effort to heal their marriage. I don't get to see those who have not confessed, repented, or gotten caught.

I will say this, for what it's worth. The majority of couples I see for couple's counseling have not had affairs. In my practice I'd estimate it's at least 60/40 and more likely as high as 70/30.

I'll add that it depends upon one's definition of what "cheating" is. I find offended spouses define "cheating" differently and have different levels of unacceptability. For some its sexual acts, for some looking at inappropriate content, for some its hiding text messages to the man or woman at work, for some it's friending your high school boyfriend on Facebook. People set the bar in different places, but the sense of betrayal is the same however one defines it.

 

[seeking.IAM]

There are many churches with sinners who have repented and have been forgiven. Those churches would be clean of past sins, wouldn't they?

Well, yes, if all had repented and changed behavior. I have learned over the years that people can make some incredibly poor choices, can hide them well - at least for awhile, and you never really know what is going on in the privacy of one's own home.

If you are an unrepentant cheater or one who hasn't gotten caught yet, the last person you are going to tell is your spouse. The next to last persons you are going to tell are your pastor or deacon. I have worked with some very prominent, high-profile persons having high standing in their churches, and you would never imagine what they are doing you don't know about.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I go to a small church. A couple met at the church last year and recently had a baby. Turns out one of them is married. The couple has been attending church together on and off together since they met. I am considering leaving the church due to knowing the details of the situation and seeing there is no repentance or steps towards correcting the situation (getting divorced/re-married). What is the best thing to do? It's been difficult for me to continue fellowship knowing the situation.

What do the church elders have to say about it ?

 

[Joined2krist]

It's hard to believe that there's any church on earth without sinners, sometimes even Priests and Pastors are guilty. When a sinner ask for forgiveness God forgives if he/she is genuine. Are you concerned about their salvation? this is good, then encourage them to seek forgiveness and repentance, If they are unwilling to do this, let God handle the situation while you pray for them. Leaving the church seems like a big price to pay for someone else's sin, God bless

 

[parousia70]

Being a marriage be counselor, if you were to take a wild guess, what percentage ( roughly) of people today cheat on their spouses? I am going to guess about 75% . ( American population)

Latest Infidelity Statistics of USA

• Surveys show that 22% of married men have committed an adulterous act at least once in their life
• 14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives
• It is in the younger generation where these values are considerably higher and the numbers of both sexes are closer together
• The percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker is 36%
• The percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips is 36%
• The percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity (emotional or physical) with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law is 17%
• 30% of the married women knew of their spouse’s infidelity, while for married men the number is higher and it stands at 46%

 

[Jaxxi]

I really can't say. Any estimate I might make is based upon the particular segment I see - that is those that are making an effort to heal their marriage. I don't get to see those who have not confessed, repented, or gotten caught.

I will say this, for what it's worth. The majority of couples I see for couple's counseling have not had affairs. In my practice I'd estimate it's at least 60/40 and more likely as high as 70/30.

I'll add that it depends upon one's definition of what "cheating" is. I find offended spouses define "cheating" differently and have different levels of unacceptability. For some its sexual acts, for some looking at inappropriate content, for some its hiding text messages to the man or woman at work, for some it's friending your high school boyfriend on Facebook. People set the bar in different places, but the sense of betrayal is the same however one defines it.

That is very true. My estimate was based on sex alone and of the total population based on men. I have found that men are very weak in the flesh and are very ready to jump ship at any given time. It is very disturbing to say the least. Most are just looking for a be willing participant.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I go to a small church. A couple met at the church last year and recently had a baby. Turns out one of them is married. The couple has been attending church together on and off together since they met. I am considering leaving the church due to knowing the details of the situation and seeing there is no repentance or steps towards correcting the situation (getting divorced/re-married). What is the best thing to do? It's been difficult for me to continue fellowship knowing the situation.

Are they just regular visitors? Or are they actual members?

That is the question. Most churches don't allow communion for those who aren't members - and won't discipline non-members either, since certainly the opportunity is there to minister to them when they are sitting in your midst...

So the answer lies in whether they are taking communion...

If they are taking communion while in open adultery, then leave the church, if not, stay... we minister to the lost and share the Gospel with them.

 

[seeking.IAM]

That is very true. My estimate was based on sex alone and of the total population based on men. I have found that men are very weak in the flesh and are very ready to jump ship at any given time. It is very disturbing to say the least. Most are just looking for a be willing participant.

I am not a fan of generalizaitons. I think "some men" might be a truer statment. There are many men who honor their marriage vows and have not jumped ship, even if the seas get troubled as they sometimes will. And, some women stray as well, although less so.

Goodness knows I've found women to be fascinating and attractive creatures, but I've never met one for whom I would jump ship and dishonor my vows to my wife made before God.

 

[Unqualified]

Well at @Gentle Lamb you have done all that you are supposed to do. You could go back to your friend with 2 or 3 witnesses and let them know it is wrong. But if leadership is allowing this blatant to take place... my pastor would never allow it. It shows their weakness. That is a good reason to leave, it wouldn’t hurt me. But the consensus is not to leave and just find it everywhere else.
I know it hurts and makes one angry. There are stronger leadership out there. It’s sad to live with sin, stay away from there but have mercy in your attitude because you may be the one spiritual to restore such a one, being mindful of yourself’...