A question of how to interact with people

[p60]

Alright,

Normally I am a pretty shy person,
I am a freshmen at a Christian college, and I wouldn't mind meeting a girl here. Is it bad to make myself become more social in order to increase the chances of that happening?

Would that mean that I'm not being myself?

 

[Mongoose]

If you can't be yourself and be accepted, then you don't even want to be accepted.

 

[Arkanin]

I am a freshmen at a Christian college, and I wouldn't mind meeting a girl here. Is it bad to make myself become more social in order to increase the chances of that happening?

I would see it as you opening a part of yourself up to other people that you haven't before.. not being someone you aren't. As far as the girl goes, look at it this way: there's someone out there who would just love to date you, but they won't get to have that chance unless you introduce yourself and ask. So you're doing her a favor too.

I used to be really deathly shy, starting college as a freshman, about 5 years ago. I can PM you something that I swear worked for me, if you want. The brain is very suggestible. The catch 22 is you will feel stupid convincing yourself how great you are, but it works. I can PM you some info on the stuff that helped me, because I used to be the most timid person on the face of the earth and now I can talk to anyone.

Also, if you have one really good friend in your life who you rely on all the time socially, try to start relying on yourself instead sometimes, and doing things without that friend at times, or you won't toughen up. I had this problem in HS... also, my first year of College, my roomate was my best friend from HS, and because of that, I was never forced to jump out of the nest and start flying on my own so to speak.

Join clubs! Chicks dig dudes who do charity work. You'll meet lots of people at different groups for different interests. You don't have to know about basket-weaving to go to looming club, btw.

Also, if you want success with women, you have to get over Too Nice Syndrome (sorry ladies, but you made me even though I didn't want to) and start to be at least somewhat aloof, mysterious, and detached (yet friendly, just not needy) early on if you aren't already. After about two months in a relationship you can drop this gig, though. www.askmen.com is a good resource on dating tips too.

Two rules, though: never ask if you can kiss a girl. Just do it. And when you talk to a girl, go for her home phone number. Just ask, you'll be surprised at how easy it is.

Also, keep in mind that you may have to ask a lot of girls... I know I do. As men, we have to risk and experience a great deal of rejection. You will probably ask 15 girls out. 10 of them will have boyfriends. 1 of them will make up a lame excuse. 1 will turn down a date. 3 of them will want to go out with you. Of those 3, you probably won't like one. One of them won't like you. One might be worth investigating. It's just how it is.

 

[Arkanin]

If you can't be yourself and be accepted, then you don't even want to be accepted.

IMHO, after spending my High School years as someone who was really shy, and becoming a lot more successful in college, making yourself open up and start trying to do social things is not forcing yourself to be someone you're not.

 

[sparklecat]

And I suggest listening to Arkanin

Something I've noticed at my own college- both the guys and the girls whine about not being with someone, but neither will ask the other out. Make friends with some girl, and try it. Oh, and yes, give yourself mental pep talks about how great you are, how any girl would be lucky to go out with you (though don't push it), how you're going to be fine in asking this girl out, etc.

 

[InnerPhyre]

We should not hide our lamps under blankets! Get out there and meet people.

 

[Citizen of Earth]

Yep. Confidence is key. Lack of confidence is probably one of the biggest turn-offs to women.

 

[sparklecat]

Yep. Confidence is key. Lack of confidence is probably one of the biggest turn-offs to women.

Ooh, listen to this guy too.

 

[ObbiQuiet]

I have a problem because I don't participate in "small talk." For girls who I'm first getting to know they find it odd, like I'm not interested, but they seem to like it once I get to know them better.

 

[Citizen of Earth]

Ooh, listen to this guy too.

I am living proof that a person can be both confident and anti-social.

 

[Iggy The Magic Elf]

Alright,

Normally I am a pretty shy person,
I am a freshmen at a Christian college, and I wouldn't mind meeting a girl here. Is it bad to make myself become more social in order to increase the chances of that happening?

Would that mean that I'm not being myself?

I shall offer you some of my infinite wisdom.

Be yourself! But also be honest. If you are shy, do not allow your timidness to evolve into a lack of self esteem. Be honest with the girl that you choose to befriend. Let her know that you are a shy person. If she is a wise mortal, she'll appreciate your honesty. Then capitalize on your personality strengths. But do not overdo it. Remain yourself at all times. Make her feel desirable. Compliment her. Treat her with kindness and respect. Be a true friend to her. And the relationship shall build from there. Another plus would be if you can manage to find common interests with this mortal being of the opposite sex. And then enjoy some time with her around such things.

Iggy has spoken!

 

[ObbiQuiet]

Wear protection.

 

[Iggy The Magic Elf]

Wear protection.

indeed

 

[sparklecat]

indeed

There I'll agree with ya. Sacred Fertility Rites of the Goddess and protection go together.

 

[Iggy The Magic Elf]

There I'll agree with ya. Sacred Fertility Rites of the Goddess and protection go together.

And you have found an agreement with the great Iggy. You are surely wise. This is a good day. All should rejoice.

 

[Zoot]

Listen, p90. Pathetic though it might sound, "How To Win Friends and Influence People" is a ridiculously practical book, and I highly recommend it.

 

[Master Chuck]

You will always be yourself. Your personality changes and adopts to the environment. You are automatically a different person when you are alone then when you are with a bunch of strangers versus a bunch of good friends.
What will now happen is you will meet a whole of of new interesting and uninteresting people. Learn about people from this experience. This time in your life will mold and build your character, so grab the bull by the horns and go for broke. You are young with nothing to lose, so every outcome for you now, is a win.
M.C.

 

[LibertyChic]

Listen, p90. Pathetic though it might sound, "How To Win Friends and Influence People" is a ridiculously practical book, and I highly recommend it.

Hear, hear!

 

[Arkanin]

If she is a wise mortal, she'll appreciate your honesty. Then capitalize on your personality strengths. But do not overdo it. Remain yourself at all times. Make her feel desirable. Compliment her. Treat her with kindness and respect. Be a true friend to her

This is good advice, but you must must must do it in moderation. I don't say this because I don't wish it was this way, but because being too kind will get you chewed up and spat out.

I know I'm going to offend somebody by saying this, but I'm convinced it's true. Women say they want someone who's kind, sweet, caring, trusting, who gives their time freely and is a genuinely sweet and nice guy. This is true. This is not true at the outset of a relationship. They will tell you that they "don't play games." Every time I do what they ask and act nice, and tell them how I feel about them (which is "I enjoy spending time with you a lot more than the other girls I know," not "I love you," which is obviously creepy and not true), early on, they head for the hills. If they know whether they're going to get me or not, they won't want me. Conversely, if I act detached, but not too detached, they obsess over me. This is ONLY true early on to me.

That phrase I mentioned is female-speak for "I play games, and if you act too clingy, I will jet." Nice guys finish last in the early months of the relationship, and the key is to be friendly but mysterious. The good news is we nice guys do really well after the first few months.

Be busy, but don't fill in the details of what you're busy with that you can't be with her. Don't apologise for things unless they really do deserve one. When she asks you questions about yourself or your past, be just slightly ambiguous and mysterious while friendly and nice, although overdoing it can be bad. And cutting a phone conversation off at the half hour mark is probably a good idea (if I don't I'll talk to a girl for four hours, if she wants me to, and that gives her the impression that she owns me, based on 95% of my past experiences).

I know, it sucks, but you ladies made me do it. The good news is that by the time you're three months into the relationship, you can mostly start to drop this thing. Just my advice. And sorry girls, but my hand is pretty much forced, 'cause believe me, I want to be really nice, but I can't early because it doesn't really work. Just be nice later on.

 

[sparklecat]

Speaking to Arkanin's percentages... there will also be those few girls that really do hate games and want you to be direct and honest with them as to how you feel and what you think. Don't dance attendance on them though, because if any girl thinks she can have you too easily, she'll most likely lose interest.