hello everybody, my name is ransomovitch from the UK, my wife and i are both christians and we have been married for 33 years and we have 3 grown up children. but right now, we are in the middle of a horrible and seemingly no win situation. 8 years ago i overheard our 16 yr old daughter rowing with her bofriend and she shouted at him, ‘well, you werent the one who was raped were you!’ i was left reeling. about 5 minutes later she came out of her room crying and i told her as gently as i could what i had heard. she told me the horrible details of the rape by some man at a party but she was absolutely adamant and to the point of screaming that she did not ever want her mum to know. i said to her that would not be good and her mum needed to know but she was distraught and so angry and she screamed that i must never tell her. separately at the time, my wife and i were going through some difficult things with our middle son of 18. even so, i wanted to tell my wife i was dreading it but i knew i needed to tell her. on the night that i resolved to say something, my wife said to me in bed that night, ‘if another thing happens, i swear i will crack up.’ what should i do? i took that as a sign not to say anything. and please readers, i dont say this in any way to make a case for my defence. that was just the way it panned out. a few days later, i went to a trusted elder in our church and told him everything. again, such a difficult dilemma for him to face but he felt that it was not the right time given all the circumstances and the other stuff going on our lives. anyway, over the years i didnt tell my wife but i would repeatedly say to our daughter that her mum needs to know, and she would always say ‘dont you dare tell mum, she must never find out.’ i would speak with her at least 2 times a year and it was always the same dangerous ground and always the same vehement answer. and over those years, she took an overdose and had been self-harming. i knew about the rape and my wife didnt. finally 3 months ago, after 8 years, when i said again to our daughter now 24 that she should tell her mum, she said yes she will. i didnt know what to feel. and so it came to the morning that our daughter told her mum what had happened, and when i came in from work i burst into tears in front of them both not knowing who to hug first. obviously my wife was shattered by the news about her daughter (id had 8 years to process this) and at first, after my daughter explained that i had known about this all along but she had not wanted her mum to know, at first my wife seemed ok about this, but now my wife feels i have betrayed her and deceived her and that the self harm our daughter went through and all the depression she suffered could have been handled differently if she had been told. i feel terrible and stuck but i feel like i had no choice. hindsight is a wonderful thing but my wife feels so hurt by me. and of course our daughter cannot ever know how this has come between us. i am numb with it all but trusting God will see us through. any advice?
