a moral dilemma. any advice?

[ransomovitch]

hello everybody, my name is ransomovitch from the UK, my wife and i are both christians and we have been married for 33 years and we have 3 grown up children. but right now, we are in the middle of a horrible and seemingly no win situation. 8 years ago i overheard our 16 yr old daughter rowing with her bofriend and she shouted at him, ‘well, you werent the one who was raped were you!’ i was left reeling. about 5 minutes later she came out of her room crying and i told her as gently as i could what i had heard. she told me the horrible details of the rape by some man at a party but she was absolutely adamant and to the point of screaming that she did not ever want her mum to know. i said to her that would not be good and her mum needed to know but she was distraught and so angry and she screamed that i must never tell her. separately at the time, my wife and i were going through some difficult things with our middle son of 18. even so, i wanted to tell my wife i was dreading it but i knew i needed to tell her. on the night that i resolved to say something, my wife said to me in bed that night, ‘if another thing happens, i swear i will crack up.’ what should i do? i took that as a sign not to say anything. and please readers, i dont say this in any way to make a case for my defence. that was just the way it panned out. a few days later, i went to a trusted elder in our church and told him everything. again, such a difficult dilemma for him to face but he felt that it was not the right time given all the circumstances and the other stuff going on our lives. anyway, over the years i didnt tell my wife but i would repeatedly say to our daughter that her mum needs to know, and she would always say ‘dont you dare tell mum, she must never find out.’ i would speak with her at least 2 times a year and it was always the same dangerous ground and always the same vehement answer. and over those years, she took an overdose and had been self-harming. i knew about the rape and my wife didnt. finally 3 months ago, after 8 years, when i said again to our daughter now 24 that she should tell her mum, she said yes she will. i didnt know what to feel. and so it came to the morning that our daughter told her mum what had happened, and when i came in from work i burst into tears in front of them both not knowing who to hug first. obviously my wife was shattered by the news about her daughter (id had 8 years to process this) and at first, after my daughter explained that i had known about this all along but she had not wanted her mum to know, at first my wife seemed ok about this, but now my wife feels i have betrayed her and deceived her and that the self harm our daughter went through and all the depression she suffered could have been handled differently if she had been told. i feel terrible and stuck but i feel like i had no choice. hindsight is a wonderful thing but my wife feels so hurt by me. and of course our daughter cannot ever know how this has come between us. i am numb with it all but trusting God will see us through. any advice?

 

[SkyWriting]

She needs local counseling by people in your town in the UK.
Presenting this dilemma to strangers all around the world is
not a proper solution for you or your daughter. You will agrivate
the situation by exposing the story to the world without her
permission. I suggest you quickly delete your post and seek
local help for your daughter. My sister was raped and it
affected her entire life for decades.

 

[Dave G.]

This is a case where all eyes need to focus on Jesus Christ/God. See, to me, it should never get to the point where family members are struggling between one another and trying to make things work, but everyone focus on Him and let Him work it out. If nothing else it gets the monkey of all this off your backs. You'e caught up in all the little details struggling to work it out in the flesh, get in the spirit and let God do the heavy stuff. Be present for your family but their hurt feelings are theirs to deal with not yours. They need to see your situation as it was presented to you with a new lens, the eye of the Holy spirit. God can turn this around to pure love.

 

[Sarah G]

I agree with Dave G ^^.

Still, on a flesh level, your wife is going through so many emotions right now. Anger, guilt, pain, shock, confusion. She may well direct the anger at you, we all like scapegoats. Give her the space and time to run through her emotions. Let her know that you are there for her, when she needs you. Don't make this about you.

 

[RaymondG]

Did you ever find out who the perpetrator was? Did the thought of going to the authorities cross your mind or was the main focus to tell the wife?

 

[ransomovitch]

Thankyou dave i needed to hear a lot of that, I cannot fix my wifes feelings but i must be there for her

 

[ransomovitch]

my daughter did not want to say ever who it was and i didnt push her on it

 

[ransomovitch]

If i was naming names and places id agree with you but you or nobody else knows me so i cant really see how your advice is helpful,

 

[ransomovitch]

Yes thank you i will

 

[Almost there]

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

you or nobody else knows me so i cant really see how your advice is helpful,

Do you realize* this forum is open to perpetrators, sexual offenders, criminals, murderers, and so on, and they do not have to put that in their profiles !?!?
Also, no one ever said the interenet is a good source for advice, did they ?

*Authorities world wide warn every day that every interenet site has perpetrators , every one of them. It is like having one living next door, who "appears" nice....

 

[Almost there]

You most definitely should have told your wife, but that train has left the station. And here we are.

For you to hide such a significant thing from your wife for so long, she will have a very difficult time trusting you on anything ever again. Further, it means that every single thing you and your wife did together for that 8 years was done under the shadow of you knowing this and not telling her. i.e. it stains ALL of that.

The most damaging thing you can do to a marriage is not share this sort of thing with the mother of your daughter. But again, that train has left the station.

Prayer is the only answer. There is not really a human solution to this. And even if your wife "takes it well", it falls into what I say when I perceive that someone has wronged me: "I'm not angry. I just see you differently." And that is where this is, whether anyone articulates it that way or not, your wife sees you differently now.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Prayer is the only answer.

Amen -
perhaps this fits: "with man it is impossible"
"With God, all things are possible" (within His Will)
And God Says He sent His Son to die for us, so certainly His Desire is to heal us and to forgive us all in Christ. Let this be so as He Pleases.

 

[Tolworth John]

my wife feels so hurt by me.

Of course she feels this, her child was hurt and she wasn't told.
All you can do is talk to her and try to explain that you were caught between too problems of your daughters distress and your need to inform her mother.

may I suggest councelling for your daughter and for your wife and you.
Part of the healing in this situation is that your daughter has to see the harm her incistence on silence has done o your marriage.
Yes this will hurt her, but she has to understand that actions have concequences.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[essentialsaltes]

You were in a difficult situation, and now you're in a different difficult situation.

If your wife and daughter are agreeable, you might consider a family counseling session with all of you together with a specialist in family counseling. And you can explore the situation and the feelings about it in a safe environment with some guidance.

I think your daughter should know about the consequences this has had for you and your wife. She doesn't need to be blamed, but she needs to know. She may be able to provide the key -- to stress to your wife that you were not keeping your own personal secret from your wife. You were keeping your daughter's secret in the way your daughter wanted.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

You were in a difficult situation, and now you're in a different difficult situation.

If your wife and daughter are agreeable, you might consider a family counseling session with all of you together with a specialist in family counseling. And you can explore the situation and the feelings about it in a safe environment with some guidance.

I think your daughter should know about the consequences this has had for you and your wife. She doesn't need to be blamed, but she needs to know. She may be able to provide the key -- to stress to your wife that you were not keeping your own personal secret from your wife. You were keeping your daughter's secret in the way your daughter wanted.

I couldn't agree more. You need someone to facilitate this for you because it's gone way past being able to easily sort it out between those involved.

 

[Johnny4ChristJesus]

She needs local counseling by people in your town in the UK.
Presenting this dilemma to strangers all around the world is
not a proper solution for you or your daughter. You will agrivate
the situation by exposing the story to the world without her
permission. I suggest you quickly delete your post and seek
local help for your daughter. My sister was raped and it
affected her entire life for decades.

I disagree with you. Sometimes, and often, the locals are more a problem then those impartial to the situation that are somewhere else. I don't know if this person who uses this has a label that would be recognizable if his family members were on the same forum or not. And, he isn't sharing in a nasty way, self-justifying way. He isn't misrepresenting his wife or his daughter or himself in this situation, like a scorned spouse often would. He is struggling with how to make it right and is genuinely seeking outside assistance that isn't likely to come back on him and his family through gossip.

 

[Johnny4ChristJesus]

I do believe the best answer was shared in another post about everyone focusing on Jesus. But, often in times of hurt, people don't.

I do also believe that good Christian-based counseling would be very helpful right now--for both the daughter and the husband-wife. I believe that the daughter's should focus on the rape issue, the husband and wife should focus on rebuilding the trust damaged by the secret-keeping. But, all have to be willing and sometimes when one spouse is feeling betrayed, they aren't willing to go to counseling.

I disagree with the idea that the daughter should know the consequences between husband and wife. The husband had the responsibility and made the mistake. The child should not be blamed. The child was a child dealing with a very difficult-to-process sexual assault. And, probably felt guilty and dirty and didn't want anyone to know. She was simply doing damage control. But, she wasn't the seasoned Christian in a seasoned marriage. The husband didn't have to promise his daughter that he would keep a secret from his wife. In essence, he chose his daughter over his wife in that situation. And, that is a problem for a marriage, because it breaks trust. He wasn't doing it maliciously. It was a mistake. But, it was always his decision.

If the wife doesn't take her offense to the point of bitterness and this is the only real issue, I believe this can certainly be overcome. The husband needs to privately admit to his wife that he made a bad decision to not share it right away and that he won't ever keep any secret from her again. He can give his reasons for making that errant decision to her; but, he shouldn't do so in a way that seems he is justifying himself; but must clearly stay in the "I seriously did wrong by you" mode. A husband and wife are a team. They are one before God. It is imperative that going forward, there can't be secrets; because secrets break down the bond of trust--even if that wasn't intended. If the husband is willing to endure some pain-evoked responses without firing back, this can be fixed. But, it may take some crow-eating without deflecting the blame on anyone or responding-in-kind for any mean treatment he receives for a little while.

 

[SkyWriting]

I disagree with you. Sometimes, and often, the locals are more a problem then those impartial to the situation that are somewhere else. I don't know if this person who uses this has a label that would be recognizable if his family members were on the same forum or not. And, he isn't sharing in a nasty way, self-justifying way. He isn't misrepresenting his wife or his daughter or himself in this situation, like a scorned spouse often would. He is struggling with how to make it right and is genuinely seeking outside assistance that isn't likely to come back on him and his family through gossip.

You are sending a mixed message. Online chat room forum advice is a good idea or a bad source?
Which is it?