A Confused Christian (FEMALE)

[justmyself]

Hello,
I've been wanting to reach out to Christians for some encouragement, opinion, and advice. I'm just going to start off by saying this will be a long written story. If you don't like reading long paragraphs, please read a gist of it at least. I really need someone to talk to about this. For those who actually read all this, Thank You so much. It really means a lot and I'm just letting out what I've been wanting to say. Let's begin.

The Past:
When I was young, (I don't know the exact age but definitely not a teen nor a little baby) I used to attend church every single day. I was very happy and I actually attended a few different churches from LA. When I stayed at my grandmas house, we would go every Sundays. Whenever we didn't, I would go to my moms church. It didn't matter what church I went to because I learned that 'All Churches worship One God.' Just to make the story a bit shorter, I'm just going to pinpoint the main events that occurred back then. I used to attend every event there was at Church. This included VBS, church camps, outings, and more! I used to be so excited and free. I even got baptized during VBS. I remember wearing a white robe-looking attire and the pastor just dunking me underwater. I remember everyone just gathering together in this wide room. I saw a big cross laying in the front of the room. They dimmed the lights and we were just worshiping and praying our heart out to God. We did this activity where the leaders gave each and one of us a small paper. We would then write our bad sins on it and pin it to the big cross. Then, out of nowhere, people all around me started crying and hugging each other. I was very confused but I remember crying a bit too. That day went by so fast but every minute, I felt so free and it was a great experience overall. It wasn't just VBS. There were many other events and activities. I felt like I was so close to Church and God. Until...

The Present:
I'm 16 now. Which means I'm currently in High School (Turning into a Junior). I met a lot of friends throughout this year. All these friends I've met, they all go to Church and I can really see their deep connection with God. After moving out from LA, I found a new church in my area. I barely went and even if I went, I would follow my parent's instead of going to the 'High School' section. I was scared. My friends encouraged me to come out to Church and that they'll be there for me. In High School, we tend to care a lot more and things generally just get harder. As kids in lower grades, we didn't care about how other kids judged us. We didn't care about how we looked. We would talk to each other and nothing really mattered! High School is different. We tend to want to look good. We want to aim for that 'popular' status. We start caring and fearing. I'm in that position right now but truthfully, I hate this feeling. I want to be the little kid I used to be. I want to be care-free. That being said, I was scared to go to Church with the thought that I might not know anyone. That I might be alone and lonely. That people will stare at me. All these thoughts were running through my mind but I gathered all my courage and went to Church. When I arrived, 2 of my friends helped me sign-in and I was apart of their group now. First day wasn't so bad. I actually liked it and things weren't so bad after all. Next week, I decided to go back to Church. Upon arriving, I asked the pastor where my group was. He told me the needed information but... my friends weren't in my group this time. I entered a room filled with people I've never heard of or seen of. We did a few activities then it was time to pray and go to the multimedia room where everyone gathered as one. My group leader suggested that I pray for all of us since I was a newcomer. I was scared. I suddenly 'forgot' how to pray. I didn't know what to say. What if what I said was dumb? I went along and prayed for everyone. After a few sentences, I came to a quick pause. My mind was blank. I didn't know what to do. My leader knew I was struggling so she ended the prayer for us. After Church ended, I was heading back to my parents when suddenly, my leader ran up to me. She told me how it was nothing to be embarrassed about and that it always happens. But ever since that day, I just stopped going to Church again. Then, there's another story where my OTHER friend encouraged me to come to Church with her. (It was a different Church than before). I didn't have a good feeling but I went with it anyway. I was a very shy person and I have anxiety when I'm in a large group. Let's just say it didn't go well again. So, I stopped going to Church AGAIN. So, here I am now.

The Future:
Currently, I'm praying to God every single day to help me with my anxiety. The whole reason why I can't go to Church is because of my anxiety. I'm asking God to bring me to Church and make me feel free again. Watching all my friends have such a close relationship with God hurts me. Not because they have a close relationship with him but because I don't. I can see the amount of freedom and happiness all my Christian friends have and I still feel like I'm stuck in a pothole. Everyday at night, I pray about being thankful. I pray for my friends, myself, and my family members. Currently, my Grandma has dementia. It's gotten worse so I'm definitely not praying for just myself. That's not what it's all about. I pray that I'm thankful, I pray for my loved ones, I pray for people who I don't personally know, then I pray for myself. So, to the future, however long it might take, I'm awaiting something. I'm awaiting God. I'm struggling so much and at times at night when I pray, I start tearing up a bit because I feel so far from Him. What happened to days like the Past?

Questions:
I had a few questions...

1) Is there a 'correct' way to pray?
I used to pray with hands clasped, eyes closed, and just pray to Him. But I noticed every night, I can't concentrate when praying like that. So, I got a Notebook dedicated just for praying and writing down my prayers. Basically, I write down what I have to say to God (Ends up being at least front and back page). This allows me to really say what I need to say. It helps me to think and concentrate better. I actually write down my prayers while listening to some deep Christian music

2) What can/should I do at this point?
I trust in God. Sometimes, I ask him why he hasn't answered my prayers. I'm kind of giving him doubt but I continuously pray my heart out everyday. I'm awaiting Him. I'm awaiting His answer. I'm awaiting His presence. I just feel so disconnected from Him. My sister actually goes to Church but I don't because of this fear and anxiety that is holding me back. In my thought, since I'm in High School, I still continuously care so much about my surroundings. This is what I am praying for. To help me be myself, be free, and really just NOT care about what other's may think about me. I'm also praying for Junior Year to be fun and memorable. I spent so much time being in my shell during Freshman/Soph year. I prayed for me to get out of my comfort zone. I try to do things differently and I try to challenge myself whenever it comes to certain situations. I'm really just awaiting Him.

If you read till the end, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. You can leave any questions below (if you have any).

 

[believeume]

Do you think before you entered high school that world you lived in was exciting? Do you think that the place you are now can't be ignited as easy as the last and you're chasing that old excitement? Do you think that is the cause to your anxiety?

 

[Ken Behrens]

Your story is so common among young people I work with, that I wish I could shout from the housetops how fortunate you, and all the others like you, are. You were taught the truth of God from a very early age, and it stuck. You love God, and you want to be a part of the Kingdom.

So what went wrong? You grew up. Your abilities increased. You can do things today, socially, logically, responsibly, in ways you could not have thought of at age 12. And what you can do today is nothing compared to what you will be able to do when you are 20, and that is nothing compared to age 25. And that is nothing compared to age 30. And so on. Even today, and I am almost 70, God still surprises me with what talents I have in reserve that He has yet to tap.

So why isn't it working? It is, you just don't know what to look for. You were only taught what God does up to age 12. In most cases, you will be 30 or so before you are really comfortable with everything God made you to be. In the meantime, you will be nervous, and anxious, and confused. We all were, we all still are. I'll write some more, and try to answer specifically what you can do.

First, you are ahead of most of your friends. You can recognize they have a close relationship with God, because you have learned to judge that relationship with the eyes of a 12 year old. They probably (and I don't want to judge them, I am just speaking from experience dealing with young people) have not matured as your questions show you have, and so they are doing the only thing you know that someone should do.

Second, you should be nervous in a church. If you have any kind of gift from God (as you do), you will almost certainly be thrown out the minute it shows up. Most churches do not follow God, but instead follow a set of traditions. Keeping your mouth shut is survival. When you get older, and know your gifts, you will find that God will make you a leader somewhere, and then the people who come to that church will acknowledge you, and you will know what to say.

To answer you specifically. The correct way to pray is to talk to God. And make sure you listen when He talks to you. That's it. How you do that is up to you and Him, just like it would be with any friend. I know very few people who testify to a prayer life as deep and as real as yours; stop worrying.

Next, you are not like your friends. In time, many will catch up to you. Some never will. You will see it as they leave home and go to college. You are ready for freedom and to think outside the box; they are not. You don't need a church, you need a network. Find other Christians who are confused just as you are, but who are tight with God, like you are, and pray with them. If you can find a mentor who is a mature independent Christian leader, great. If not, you will still make it (I did).

When you finally go to church, you will go as a leader. In the meantime, do not be afraid to talk to anyone you meet about God, and let them share their experiences. Going to their church for experience is fine, but don't expect the programs that work for them to work for you. If they want prayer, pray for/with them. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

 

[Albion]

Hello, "justmyself."

It sounds like you just have anxiety about new places, faces, and situations. In other words, you're just like most other people and it has nothing in particular to do with church. But churches are normally the most accepting of people from all walks of life, so I don't see any reason for you to feel you look bad. The group leader who tried to reassure you was right about that. I'd say just to tough it out and in a few weeks all this will look less threatening. Familiarity will take over.

As for how to pray, all sorts of pastors and Christian writers, Bible experts and teachers, have said that any lifting up of your mind to God is prayer... and he wants to hear from you any way you want to talk to him. Just speak your mind, or thoughts, as you would talk to a friend who wants the best for you. There is no required format or posture. If you're in public and want to look respectful, however, just fold your hands in front of you as you pray.