A Confession

[MariaJLM]

I can't sleep because I have a lot on my mind. Basically I need to rant. In the past I have mentioned a lack of transportation being an obstacle to me regularly attending church. The truth, though, is more complex. It's only about half my excuse for being so lapsed in the faith lately. I would largely blame it on my current living conditions and stuff too.

Long story short my family is secular and isn't particularly fond of me attending church in the first place, but because of them I'm also susceptible to bad habits. I've become lazy and gluttonous to the point I'm gaining weight. Most of my pants don't even fit anymore, leaving me with nothing to wear(I'm not going to church dressed like some slob that looks like they just rolled out of bed, especially mine where people clearly have the income to afford nice clothes). Awhile ago I also left social media, but it has clearly been redundant. I've just become addicted to video games instead thanks to my brother.

That being said I rarely go to church not only because my family judges me for it or because I have no way of getting there, but because I simply don't want to. I either don't care about the faith beyond the social aspects or I just can't get up in the morning because I'm up half the night gaming with my brother. Same applies to prayer. It's been months since I've recited anything in personal prayer beyond the basics like the Jesus Prayer and the Trisagion.

Before I moved back in with my family(which was done out of necessity due to being a mentally ill unemployed wreck) I was stuck with a manipulative and emotionally abusive roommate, but at least then I was healthier both physically and spiritually. Now I'm simply once again trapped in an endless cycle I can't break free from and it's destroying me.

 

[The Faceless]

I hope the feeling you're having about your weight and supposed gluttony isn't because of my response to some people dehumanizing homosexuals in another part of the forums. I sincerely apologize if I triggered this feeling you're having.

I've read that you suffer from mental illness. I stepped away from the faith for awhile because of my own OCD and the faith triggering it and making things unbearable at times. I've realized more than anything that I need to return, hence my being here. I'm not yet to the point where I can officially tag myself as Orthodox because I don't feel like I'm adequately representing my faith having been away. I do however know that nothing could ever replace "home".

I don't know what else to add other than I understand some aspects of you, and that you should never let anyone, even family, influence your faith in a negative way. It's the most important thing we have in this world if we believe what we claim to believe.

Also I too have been lazy about going to church since my return to God and prayer because I'm a bum who can't even find the will to wake up early and drive an hour.

 

[ilovejcsog]

As bad as it is after you wallow you need to get a grip. You know it, no one else can do it for you.Despite your family start a regimen of prayer and reading the word. Saturate yourself in it and you will find the strength to change your life. God will guide you.
God bless you and keep you! We will be praying for you.

 

[FireDragon76]

I can't sleep because I have a lot on my mind. Basically I need to rant. In the past I have mentioned a lack of transportation being an obstacle to me regularly attending church. The truth, though, is more complex. It's only about half my excuse for being so lapsed in the faith lately. I would largely blame it on my current living conditions and stuff too.

Long story short my family is secular and isn't particularly fond of me attending church in the first place, but because of them I'm also susceptible to bad habits. I've become lazy and gluttonous to the point I'm gaining weight. Most of my pants don't even fit anymore, leaving me with nothing to wear(I'm not going to church dressed like some slob that looks like they just rolled out of bed, especially mine where people clearly have the income to afford nice clothes). Awhile ago I also left social media, but it has clearly been redundant. I've just become addicted to video games instead thanks to my brother.

That being said I rarely go to church not only because my family judges me for it or because I have no way of getting there, but because I simply don't want to. I either don't care about the faith beyond the social aspects or I just can't get up in the morning because I'm up half the night gaming with my brother. Same applies to prayer. It's been months since I've recited anything in personal prayer beyond the basics like the Jesus Prayer and the Trisagion.

It sounds like you are trying to avoid having to make tough decisions. I know what that's like, you get stuck in distractions. Have you heard of akedia?

Acedia - Wikipedia

BTW, there's nothing wrong with spending time with your brother playing games. Just try to make Saturday nights a time to wind down if you want to go to church the next day. That's what we do at our home.

Looking like a slob is no reason not to go to church, IMO. I have gone less than well dressed, some mornings I have been so sluggish. My S.O. has even gone in her lounge pants, because she wants to be comfortable.

I think you are a serious Christian despite the few complaints you have. When the Devil throws your sins at you, remember you know One that has made satisfaction for them. Jesus is the author and finisher of your faith.

 

[Shape & Sharpen]

Hi Maria.

At our community group bible study last night, we were discussing the means of grace - studying the Word, prayer and fellowship (Acts 2:42).

God's grace doesn't only come to us on the day of conversion, but His grace is an ever flowing fountain, like a waterfall. When we stand to one side, we stay dry and grow more and more hungry, empty, unhappy. But when we step under the waterfall by getting into God's Word, praying and enjoying the fellowship of other believers, we are positioning ourselves to be refreshed by God and His goodness. And there is more grace than we could ever dare ask for.

I am glad you are acknowledging your own failure (laziness, etc). Have you confessed these things to God? Have you asked Him for help?

You have a choice to make today. You can either continue to wallow in self-pity and spiral towards destruction (you've acknowledged in your closing sentence that this is destroying you), or, you can step into the fountain and be refreshed, and grow and live. Only you can make that decision, and only you are responsible for the outcome.

Take up and read. Pray. Get to church and be encouraged. Even in your pajamas. I love when people are honest about their struggles at my church. They are the ones that can be helped.

By the way.... a closing thought on prayer. I don't know what the Jesus prayer is or the other one you mentioned. May I just encourage you here? Recited prayers may give you a sense of accomplishment, like you've ticked the box and done the prayer, but they can feel like a chore. God doesn't desire dry, repetitive prayers. Pray from the heart. Talk to God like you would to your brother. Be honest. Lay it out. Call out to Him. God loves when we speak our hearts to Him. In fact, Jesus commands it. "Comes to me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest."

I usually find it helpful to use the Scriptures I read to guide my prayers.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

I can't sleep because I have a lot on my mind. Basically I need to rant. In the past I have mentioned a lack of transportation being an obstacle to me regularly attending church. The truth, though, is more complex. It's only about half my excuse for being so lapsed in the faith lately. I would largely blame it on my current living conditions and stuff too.

Long story short my family is secular and isn't particularly fond of me attending church in the first place, but because of them I'm also susceptible to bad habits. I've become lazy and gluttonous to the point I'm gaining weight. Most of my pants don't even fit anymore, leaving me with nothing to wear(I'm not going to church dressed like some slob that looks like they just rolled out of bed, especially mine where people clearly have the income to afford nice clothes). Awhile ago I also left social media, but it has clearly been redundant. I've just become addicted to video games instead thanks to my brother.

That being said I rarely go to church not only because my family judges me for it or because I have no way of getting there, but because I simply don't want to. I either don't care about the faith beyond the social aspects or I just can't get up in the morning because I'm up half the night gaming with my brother. Same applies to prayer. It's been months since I've recited anything in personal prayer beyond the basics like the Jesus Prayer and the Trisagion.

Before I moved back in with my family(which was done out of necessity due to being a mentally ill unemployed wreck) I was stuck with a manipulative and emotionally abusive roommate, but at least then I was healthier both physically and spiritually. Now I'm simply once again trapped in an endless cycle I can't break free from and it's destroying me.

I actually have similar issues so you are not alone if that is any consolation!

But much of your problems I would see related to a "thorn in the flesh" problem. I have gotten a lot of mileage from a Coptic priest who preaches lots of self help type sermons. He defines it as something you really wish God would change in your life (If God could grant you any kind of a wish), but God has allowed it because the struggle or some other aspect of it is good for you.).

 

[ArmyMatt]

as weird as this might sound, going through this is when real spiritual growth can occur. even realizing the problem shows God is at work.

take your time, hang in there.

 

[Petros2015]

Long story short my family is secular and isn't particularly fond of me attending church in the first place, but because of them I'm also susceptible to bad habits.

Awhile ago I also left social media, but it has clearly been redundant. I've just become addicted to video games instead thanks to my brother.

Before I moved back in with my family(which was done out of necessity due to being a mentally ill unemployed wreck) I was stuck with a manipulative and emotionally abusive roommate

 

[pantingdeer]

I have played over 75 days of Modern Warfare 2. It's very easy to stop - just stop playing. Within a week you'll barely even think about the games anymore.
About your weight - join a gym. There is nothing more satisfying that lifting heavy weights and seeing the results. If you're interested in losing some bodyfat I recommend working out your TDEE and then counting your calories. It is much easier than it sounds and I lost 17 lbs 2 years ago over a 3 month period.

 

[MariaJLM]

I have played over 75 days of Modern Warfare 2. It's very easy to stop - just stop playing. Within a week you'll barely even think about the games anymore.
About your weight - join a gym. There is nothing more satisfying that lifting heavy weights and seeing the results. If you're interested in losing some bodyfat I recommend working out your TDEE and then counting your calories. It is much easier than it sounds and I lost 17 lbs 2 years ago over a 3 month period.

Gyms are too expensive and I'm poor. Only exercise I get is walking around town(I don't drive), but I hardly even do that any more. Going downtown means dealing with people, which is another issue of mine entirely...

 

[pantingdeer]

Gyms are too expensive and I'm poor. Only exercise I get is walking around town(I don't drive), but I hardly even do that any more. Going downtown means dealing with people, which is another issue of mine entirely...

Do Calistthenics then. Try to get strong at bodyweight exercises such as push ups, pull ups, squats etc.

 

[FireDragon76]

Gyms are too expensive and I'm poor. Only exercise I get is walking around town(I don't drive), but I hardly even do that any more. Going downtown means dealing with people, which is another issue of mine entirely...

Do you have Asperger's?

Dealing with people for me can be draining. It's so much easier to communicate online.

 

[MariaJLM]

Do you have Asperger's?

Dealing with people for me can be draining. It's so much easier to communicate online.

Yes, plus I'm mentally ill. Essentially I'm in a state where I can't even function in public(hence why I haven't worked in a decade).

 

[FireDragon76]

Yes, plus I'm mentally ill. Essentially I'm in a state where I can't even function in public(hence why I haven't worked in a decade).

I also have Asperger's. Though I can socialize and fake being normal, it's draining. I don't work either, I'm on disability- I don't drive (I used to but I lost my license- a very long story). I used to love riding and repairing motorcycles and scooters, actually (whereas cars made me really nervous to drive, go figure) Most of the folks at my church are either retired or work in the hospitality industry. Hospitality industry would be a nightmare for me.

My partner is legally blind and she makes a little money working for a bank sorting coins. She's much more able to do the kind of socializing I described above. She has a trust fund from her parents so she's the breadwinner of our family.

Go easy on yourself, and don't take on too many obligations. Self-care is important. In fact I would say that skipping church once in a while is completely understandable. Occasionally I don't go myself, because I am just worn out and I need a day off. And that's OK. A priest I used to know (not orthodox) told me you need to take care of yourself first, then family, then friends and strangers, then your obligations to your church... in that order.

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy?

 

[MariaJLM]

I also have Asperger's. Though I can socialize and fake being normal, it's draining. I don't work either, I'm on disability- I don't drive (I used to but I lost my license- a very long story). I used to love riding and repairing motorcycles and scooters, actually (whereas cars made me really nervous to drive, go figure) Most of the folks at my church are either retired or work in the hospitality industry. Hospitality industry would be a nightmare for me.

My partner is legally blind and she makes a little money working for a bank sorting coins. She's much more able to do the kind of socializing I described above. She has a trust fund from her parents so she's the breadwinner of our family.

Go easy on yourself, and don't take on too many obligations. Self-care is important. In fact I would say that skipping church once in a while is completely understandable. Occasionally I don't go myself, because I am just worn out and I need a day off.

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy?

My church seems to be pretty cliquey. A lot of upper class and well-off people too it seems, thus I have nothing in common with them. That alone makes me want to stay home a lot as I feel like I'm constantly judged for being unemployed. It's not like I can say I'm on disability either since I'm not. It's very difficult to get accepted for it where I am.

As for hobbies, I'm a creative writer but not even that I'm able to enjoy much anymore. It just feels like a chore.

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

Well I think the mere fact that you've come into our little forum and have participated and are now thinking out loud about these things shows you MUST love God and care more than you think.

You talk about mental illness and being unemployed. God is good and He is patient as well as understanding of our situations. Mental illness mitigates a lot of things. I'm not saying you shouldn't keep up the good fight, just that you can't beat yourself up too much.

I also wouldn't worry about what others think about going to church. I can't speak for others here in TAW, but I know there are MANY times I don't feel like going to church! I often think, "for the love of Pete! Does this liturgy really need to be two and a half hours long today!? Do we really need to pray those prayers a fourth and fifth time!?" I then back up and realize that the Christian journey is a struggle. We're being shaped into images of Christ, and learning how to worship Him. In heaven, there is nothing but worship of the Living God 24/7 (even though time isn't there, you get my drift). Worship is a way of life in heaven. Here on Earth, our fallen nature makes us rebel and want entertainment, sloth, rest, and ease. Worship means (for me) getting up super early on a weekend, driving 45 minutes on a bland drive, standing for 1:45, teaching Sunday school, driving home 45 minutes, feeling a bit run-down and unrefreshed, and going back to work the next day. Not "fun," but always edifying and worth it. It's about edification.

Tonight I'm going to Presanctified Liturgy and I'll be the reader. I LOVE the presanctified liturgy, just hate that it's in the middle of the week and it's after work, and I'm tired and just want to sit down and vegetate. However.....on a positive note, I REALLY NEED the Eucharist! It's my spiritual medication that keeps me strong. The Church is offering me meds mid-week to keep the Fast and be strong. I'll take it.

My advice: don't beat yourself up too much and know God loves you and is aware of your mental state and income, etc. Keep praying....HARD (It's Lent!). Fast as best you can. Can you volunteer a few hours at a local homeless shelter? That's better than a donation. Talk to your priest. Did I mention PRAY? Try to go to the liturgy or vespers at least twice a month if possible. And don't forget that the Eucharist is SUPERNATURAL. It is not an intellectual endeavor. The Eucharist can and will shape, bless, strengthen, and edify you regardless of your mental state. It is a powerful agent of hope, strength, love, and salvation. Try to replace video games with reading about the faith (online or in books), coming to forums like this, going for walks, spending time with pets, maybe starting some gardening, anything that is healthy and gets you off your tush!

God bless, Maria. God loves you.

I can't sleep because I have a lot on my mind. Basically I need to rant. In the past I have mentioned a lack of transportation being an obstacle to me regularly attending church. The truth, though, is more complex. It's only about half my excuse for being so lapsed in the faith lately. I would largely blame it on my current living conditions and stuff too.

Long story short my family is secular and isn't particularly fond of me attending church in the first place, but because of them I'm also susceptible to bad habits. I've become lazy and gluttonous to the point I'm gaining weight. Most of my pants don't even fit anymore, leaving me with nothing to wear(I'm not going to church dressed like some slob that looks like they just rolled out of bed, especially mine where people clearly have the income to afford nice clothes). Awhile ago I also left social media, but it has clearly been redundant. I've just become addicted to video games instead thanks to my brother.

That being said I rarely go to church not only because my family judges me for it or because I have no way of getting there, but because I simply don't want to. I either don't care about the faith beyond the social aspects or I just can't get up in the morning because I'm up half the night gaming with my brother. Same applies to prayer. It's been months since I've recited anything in personal prayer beyond the basics like the Jesus Prayer and the Trisagion.

Before I moved back in with my family(which was done out of necessity due to being a mentally ill unemployed wreck) I was stuck with a manipulative and emotionally abusive roommate, but at least then I was healthier both physically and spiritually. Now I'm simply once again trapped in an endless cycle I can't break free from and it's destroying me.

 

[FireDragon76]

My church seems to be pretty cliquey. A lot of upper class and well-off people too it seems, thus I have nothing in common with them. That alone makes me want to stay home a lot as I feel like I'm constantly judged for being unemployed. It's not like I can say I'm on disability either since I'm not. It's very difficult to get accepted for it where I am.

That does sound difficult.

Don't just think about what you are lacking, but what you can bring to the church. You have a cross to carry of course but it's also a witness to the world. The body of Christ is made of all sorts of people.

As for hobbies, I'm a creative writer but not even that I'm able to enjoy much anymore. It just feels like a chore.

Sounds like depression.

How about trying a completely new hobby? Get a coloring book and some coloring pencils, for instance. That's something a therapist recommended to me years ago. Just learn to appreciate doing little things that you genuinely enjoy. Don't let a mountain of worries weigh you down.

I also think doing something like the Jesus Prayer is perfectly OK as long as your priest is OK with it. The kinesthetic feedback of a prayer rope is good for anxiety, because it will help keep you grounded. Doing little chores can also help- just don't do things that allow you to ruminate too much. Deep thinking isn't always so good.

 

[MariaJLM]

Tonight I'm going to Presanctified Liturgy and I'll be the reader. I LOVE the presanctified liturgy, just hate that it's in the middle of the week and it's after work, and I'm tired and just want to sit down and vegetate. However.....on a positive note, I REALLY NEED the Eucharist! It's my spiritual medication that keeps me strong. The Church is offering me meds mid-week to keep the Fast and be strong. I'll take it.

That's another issue. I've been neglecting the Eucharist since it's been impossible for me to find a time to go to Confession. We usually do it before Liturgy, but because of the bus schedule the few times I do manage to make it to church I show up like thirty minutes in. I don't want to be one of those people that just shows up for communion and then leaves, especially when I haven't gone to recent Confession.

 

[FireDragon76]

That's another issue. I've been neglecting the Eucharist since it's been impossible for me to find a time to go to Confession. We usually do it before Liturgy, but because of the bus schedule the few times I do manage to make it to church I show up like thirty minutes in. I don't want to be one of those people that just shows up for communion and then leaves, especially when I haven't gone to recent Confession.

Maybe you can talk to your priest about your needs? Churches should accomodate extraordinary circumstances like this. At my parish, confession was only required once a month. I know at my own current church, communion is an important part of the worship, and you would probably left out if you don't participate in it at your own church, I'm sure.

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

What about Vespers? My priest holds confessions after Vespers and if people (like me) have to drive a long way, he'll do it before Liturgy also. He's pretty flexible. I'd communicate with your priest about it. It's good you have such respect for the Eucharist, but you also need to work with your priest.

That's another issue. I've been neglecting the Eucharist since it's been impossible for me to find a time to go to Confession. We usually do it before Liturgy, but because of the bus schedule the few times I do manage to make it to church I show up like thirty minutes in. I don't want to be one of those people that just shows up for communion and then leaves, especially when I haven't gone to recent Confession.