A CLEAN JOKE THREAD

tulc

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Before we all start looking at red/blue maps for days, here is map showing the legality of owning a kangaroo.
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tulc

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Near sighted guy walks into a bar and says "I just heard the best blond joke ever!" Bartender walks up to him and says "Before you say it I just want to point out I'm blond. Further more that guy sitting next to you? He's my best customer and HE'S a blond!" Bartender continued as he pointed to the back office behind the bar: "See that lady back there? That's my wife, she's the love of my life and she's ALSO a blond!" He then points at a huge man standing by the door of the bar. "See that big guy over there? He weighs 275 pounds and can bench press a car! He's also a blond! So with all that information I've just given you, you should ask yourself this one question: "Do I still want to tell that joke in here?"" The guy thought for a minute then he says "Well, not if I'm going to have to explain it 4 times I don't!"
 
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tulc

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I was feeling a little sad so a friend tried to cheer me up "Buck up man! Things could be worse, you could be at the bottom of a hole filled with water!"
I know he means well...
 
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tulc

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A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm just a bad conductor."
 
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Bob Crowley

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A handful of muso jokes -

Q. How do you know if the stage floor is level.
A. The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Q. What is the correct form of address for a rock guitarist dressed in a three piece suit?
A. "Will the defendant please rise".

Q. How do you get two piccolists to play in unison?
A. Shoot one.
 
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This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
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This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
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Bob Crowley

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It was a really bad storm, and the lightening and thunder was horrendous. The little boy went up to Mum, and with a quaver in his voice, asked "Mum! The storm scares me! Can you sleep in my bed tonight?"

Mum smiled, and put him on her lap. "Sorry Tommy" she said, "You'll be fine, but tonight I have to sleep in Daddy's bed."

Tommy sniffed, and in a trembling voice muttered "The big sissy!"
 
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