A CLEAN JOKE THREAD

[returntosender]

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. One said to the other, “Hey Frank, a lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back over to her.

 

[returntosender]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife and asked, "Is this your wife, sir?”

Shocked, I answered, "Yes it is."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.”

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the kids."

 

[returntosender]

So one day, there is this lady who is driving a red convertible -- top down -- and she has four penguins in the back seat. She goes zooming right through a stop sign--speeding and all.

Well, there is a cop right there and he pulls her over, and says: "Lady, you just ran that stop sign and you're speeding... and... what are those penguins doing in the back seat?! I am going to write you warning tickets, but I want you to take those penguins to the zoo.”

He writes the tickets and sends her along with her warnings.

Next day, the same lady is barreling down the same road. Same red convertible, top down, same penguins--now wearing sunglasses, same stop sign--zoom-- right through it again! Well, the same cop is there and he pulls her over again.

"LADY,” he says, "you ran that same stop sign again--and you're speeding again and... I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo."

"I did, Officer," she says, "and now we're going to the beach!"

When I started reading this I started laughing half way through it seemed so funny but either I didn't get it or the end was a real let down, lol At least it started out funny.

 

[Bob Crowley]

The ending usually reads as follows -

"I did," the driver responded. "And today we're going to the movies."

 

[returntosender]

One day a man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money.

However, he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog. The frog then proceeded to play an incredible jazz solo. Highly impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.

The man then asked for another drink in exchange for something even more amazing. The bartender agreed.

So the man pulled a hamster out of his pocket and set it on the bar. The frog started playing the saxophone again. Then
the hamster started singing along. It was a terrific jazz duet. Even more impressed, the bartender gave the man a second drink.

Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man. He offered the man $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man considered it for a moment and then agreed to the deal. The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender exclaimed, "I can't believe you let a singing hamster go for only $1,000!"

The man replied, "It's no loss to me. The frog is a ventriloquist."

 

[Bob Crowley]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

 

[returntosender]

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" The 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating, "Yes, but I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

 

[Bob Crowley]

A penguin is living in the North Pole and starts to get a sense of wanderlust. He's bored with the same old tired routine of snow and fish. So he takes a chance and hops on an iceberg which winds up floating all the way to a beautiful tropical island, where the penguin decamps.

He has the time of his life. Drum circles, hammocks, martinis, dancing until the sun comes up. Eventually though he starts to get homesick and decides that he'll leave. But before he goes he stops by the general store to pick up a souvenir.

He's browsing around confused and finally decides to ask the clerk for a recommendation. The clerk sighs and gives the penguin a look, like he's seen more than his share of touristy penguins, and says, "I dunno, penguin, what about a thermos?" and the penguin is like, "Yeah! A thermos! What's it do?" and the clerk, exasperated, is like, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, penguin."

So the penguin buys his souvenir, hops back on the iceberg and travels up to the North Pole where he regales the penguins with his stories of tropical island life. Finally, he's like, "And! I brought you guys back a souvenir, this thermos!" And all the penguins are like, "Yeah! Neat! What's it do?" And the penguin is like "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

And the penguins are all clamoring to get a better look, and one penguin is like, "What'd you put in it?" And the traveling penguin replies, "Some soup and a popsicle."

 

[returntosender]

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.

He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

 

[returntosender]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

That one is really funny.

 

[returntosender]

Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[returntosender]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150 dollars," she cried,"150 dollars just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the CAT scan, it's now $150."

 

[lismore]

What do you call a frozen Communist?

The hammer and the pop-sickle.

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

 

[yellowMan]

What kind of clothes does a house wear?

A-ddress

 

[tulc]

I just found out all 4 of my sons want to be valets when they grow up.
My doctor said that's the worst case of parking sons disease he's ever heard of.

 

[tulc]

I've got a job making plastic Dracula figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

So I have to make every second Count...

 

[tulc]

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

[tulc]

My fear of moving stairs is escalating

 

[tulc]

why is justice a dish best served cold?
if it was served warm it would be justwater