@bèlla oh my Cuppie, I am so sorry seems to be a spiral.
How are you?
I'm alright Heart. I had a nap and woke with Mentor in my thoughts. I was recollecting her words and the lesson she provided on love on the heels of your intervention. She told me I couldn't fix, help, or serve others at the expense of my welfare. Irrespective of my want to do so or from a sense of duty.
You insisted I sever the connection because it was wounding me. If you told me at the onset she'd say and do the things she did I wouldn't believe you. How does a person move from being my advocate and support during the most difficult period Little Miss and I experienced to driving a blade in my back?
The person I invited sight unseen to live with me when they had nowhere to turn. I welcomed her and her children and offered to house, feed, and educate them all. Including her. And my family supported it because of what she'd done. They were willing to help. Luckily she didn't come.
My crime wasn't mistreatment. It was my inability to make her first. To give her the position in my life she craved. Above you, Mentor, and the rest. I remember that night clearly. You were talking to me and insisting that I let her go.
And it was hurting me and you said, she's hurting you. This isn't love. I knew what that was. We had it. I wanted to understand why. On the one hand, she'd eviscerate anyone who hurt me. She stood with us with him. Then she turned on me.
I came to realize over time it was a love/hate connection. Love and hate were equal. You couldn't have one without the other. We can cite her sister, circumstances, etc. But at the end of the day she made a choice.
She was incapable of loving me in a healthy fashion. She was damaged and being in my company brought out her better side. But there was more to her than that. She was malicious, envious, and diabolical. She could plot her butt off.
The lesson I learned from that experience was the danger of remaining in unhealthy situations. You see their potential, feel you owe them, etc. But that doesn't excuse the carnage.
One day I looked at the people she befriended. They're all train wrecks. I'm the odd one out. Unless the person is ready to change you'll take a lot of hammering. You're a constant reminder of everything they lack.
When you're young you don't see that. You have good times and never realize you're tying the person in knots. Resentment is bubbling at the surface and eventually spills over. Because I wasn't in her shoes.
I had a nice conversation with someone the other day about mental health. He said something that was really edifying about knowing my limits and the impact it has on my person. I can't take on everything. Some challenges are beyond my pay grade. I'm not the best person to handle it.
That makes me feel bad at times. I want to see everyone happy and thriving. But I can't be the catalyst. God equipped others to handle the stuff I can't. I don't want to deal with the things I experienced with her.
I can't handle the kind of brokenness that makes you beat me up and apologize later. Or pretend it didn't happen. That's not loving. I understand people have things going on in their head and lives that contributes to their behavior.
But I don't want to be their scapegoat. That's a burden I'm unwilling to bear for anyone.