What's on your mind?

[MrMoe]

Good news, I recently read a YouTube comment that said Zack Snyder's JL will be released on Blu-ray in late May. Some people are saying the movie is too long, but a movie were I can get to stare at Gal Gadot for four hours, I only see as a positive.

 

[DragonFox91]

Possibly. But if you’re financially comfortable the picture changes.

Financial needs are different from emotional/love type needs.

 

[bèlla]

Financial needs are different from emotional/love type needs.

Money is the primary reason couples divorce. And emotion is rarely the reason they stay put. Because feelings don’t always overcome offense. You need something greater.

Many aren't marrying due to a lack of investment. Their buy-in isn't big enough to make the sacrifice. They're in for better and an agreeable worse. Not the really bad stuff.

Happiness is a bigger priority in today's culture than it was in previous generations. Many marriages weren't happy. They stayed together because it was expected, due to social stigmas, or financial necessity. But that's no longer the case.

 

[bèlla]

@DragonFox91 There's something missing from that list.

Diminished respect for the opposite sex. Especially on the woman's side. He isn't a hero anymore.

Also, women aren't dependent on men for sustenance. Many married for that reason. The numbers were going to dip.

ETA: Things were less competitive then. Marriage was the norm and financial dependency increased the odds. Removing it altered the picture.

In some respects this is a truer reflection of companionship than earlier times. Both are there by choice. In the same way, the imbalance is genuine. Many found wives because they were breadwinners.

Employment equity enabled women to decline marriage and opt for different lifestyles. And spinsterhood is no longer embarrassing.

 

[DragonFox91]

@DragonFox91 There's something missing from that list.

Diminished respect for the opposite sex. Especially on the woman's side. He isn't a hero anymore.

Also, women aren't dependent on men for sustenance. Many married for that reason. The numbers were going to dip.

ETA: Things were less competitive then. Marriage was the norm and financial dependency increased the odds. Removing it altered the picture.

In some respects this is a truer reflection of companionship than earlier times. Both are there by choice. In the same way, the imbalance is genuine. Many found wives because they were breadwinners.

Employment equity enabled women to decline marriage and opt for different lifestyles. And spinsterhood is no longer embarrassing.

I'm surprised they didn't bring the Also part up.

Also, 'diminished respect' is true on the men's side too. I always thought that doesn't really kick in till you're older & get more cynical about it.

 

[bèlla]

I'm surprised they didn't bring the Also part up.

Also, 'diminished respect' is true on the men's side too. I always thought that doesn't really kick in till you're older & get more cynical about it.

Maybe they didn't make the correlation? Dependency doesn't provide an honest assessment of marriage mindedness. Removing it from the picture allows you to gauge what percentage of singles desire to marry. Christians are waiting too.

But increased emphasis on self-betterment isn’t entirely to blame. As Karen Swallow Prior writes at The Atlantic, our culture’s conception of marriage itself as a “capstone,” rather than a “cornerstone,” has caused many to look at matrimony as unattainable. As one group of sociologists behind a landmark study on the subject wrote, marriage is now “something [young people] do after they have all their ducks in a row, rather than a foundation for launching into adulthood and parenthood.”

You may enjoy this article. Here's an interesting tidbit.

In the chapter entitled “Uncertainty,” Regnerus gets to what I see as the heart of the marriage recession: “a blend of uncertainty, ambiguity, individualism, and materialism.” This relates to the crisis of trust that the young adults we have interviewed come back to again and again.

One important note is that the sample Regnerus interviewed for his book skews educated, which leaves me to question how much of what he heard from Christian young adults around the world is a result of class being a stronger indicator of marriage beliefs than religion?

For example, when it comes to careerism and the capstone view of marriage that says that finishing college, getting established in a career, and having a place of one’s own and financial stability are prerequisites to marriage, I’d venture to guess that college-educated young adults of all faiths (and no faith) have more in common than they do with their less-educated peers.

While I take Regnerus’s point that culture often starts with the elite and trickles down, in our interviews with the working class, a more formative view of marriage was not uncommon among Christians, who often surprised us by still marrying young.

It’s possible that the poor and working class have actually better resisted the intrusion of the market mentality into marriage than their college-educated peers. I don’t want to romanticize, exaggerate pro-marriage sentiment, or gloss over real problems like easy divorce attitudes.

But working-class people may be more likely to embrace some elements of the foundational model of marriage described by Regnerus, in which “being newly married and poor was difficult, expected, and (typically) temporary” in contrast with the capstone standard in which “being poor is a sign that there’s something wrong with you; you’re not yet marriage material."

But among the 115 young adults we interviewed, those who were less educated and materially poorer often said that getting married was something that could happen regardless of one’s educational or economic status—so long as there was trust, commitment, and a willingness to sacrifice for each other in good times and bad.

Having a job was a good idea, but it didn’t have to be a good job, and even unemployment wasn’t necessarily a deal breaker for everyone because as one interviewee put it, “In today's world, who is financially stable? I mean, nobody in today's world is financially stable.”

In The Future of Christian Marriage, Regnerus identifies the shift from cornerstone to capstone as a key framework for understanding the marriage recession among Christians.

 

[Multifavs]

Just wanted to ask if you could please pray for me. I'm very worried about what the coming days, or should I say the next few months, might bring for me. Thank you.

 

[SarahsKnight]

Just wanted to ask if you could please pray for me. I'm very worried about what the coming days, or should I say the next few months, might bring for me. Thank you.

We will, Miss Multi.

 

[DragonFox91]

Maybe they didn't make the correlation? Dependency doesn't provide an honest assessment of marriage mindedness. Removing it from the picture allows you to gauge what percentage of singles desire to marry. Christians are waiting too.

But increased emphasis on self-betterment isn’t entirely to blame. As Karen Swallow Prior writes at The Atlantic, our culture’s conception of marriage itself as a “capstone,” rather than a “cornerstone,” has caused many to look at matrimony as unattainable. As one group of sociologists behind a landmark study on the subject wrote, marriage is now “something [young people] do after they have all their ducks in a row, rather than a foundation for launching into adulthood and parenthood.”

You may enjoy this article. Here's an interesting tidbit.

In the chapter entitled “Uncertainty,” Regnerus gets to what I see as the heart of the marriage recession: “a blend of uncertainty, ambiguity, individualism, and materialism.” This relates to the crisis of trust that the young adults we have interviewed come back to again and again.

One important note is that the sample Regnerus interviewed for his book skews educated, which leaves me to question how much of what he heard from Christian young adults around the world is a result of class being a stronger indicator of marriage beliefs than religion?

For example, when it comes to careerism and the capstone view of marriage that says that finishing college, getting established in a career, and having a place of one’s own and financial stability are prerequisites to marriage, I’d venture to guess that college-educated young adults of all faiths (and no faith) have more in common than they do with their less-educated peers.

While I take Regnerus’s point that culture often starts with the elite and trickles down, in our interviews with the working class, a more formative view of marriage was not uncommon among Christians, who often surprised us by still marrying young.

It’s possible that the poor and working class have actually better resisted the intrusion of the market mentality into marriage than their college-educated peers. I don’t want to romanticize, exaggerate pro-marriage sentiment, or gloss over real problems like easy divorce attitudes.

But working-class people may be more likely to embrace some elements of the foundational model of marriage described by Regnerus, in which “being newly married and poor was difficult, expected, and (typically) temporary” in contrast with the capstone standard in which “being poor is a sign that there’s something wrong with you; you’re not yet marriage material."

But among the 115 young adults we interviewed, those who were less educated and materially poorer often said that getting married was something that could happen regardless of one’s educational or economic status—so long as there was trust, commitment, and a willingness to sacrifice for each other in good times and bad.

Having a job was a good idea, but it didn’t have to be a good job, and even unemployment wasn’t necessarily a deal breaker for everyone because as one interviewee put it, “In today's world, who is financially stable? I mean, nobody in today's world is financially stable.”

In The Future of Christian Marriage, Regnerus identifies the shift from cornerstone to capstone as a key framework for understanding the marriage recession among Christians.

I'm confused. What's it saying? A lot of what the college-educated group thinks needs to be line to get married isn't necessary?

 

[bèlla]

I'm confused. What's it saying? A lot of what the college-educated group thinks needs to be line to get married isn't necessary?

Basically. But you're trading security nonetheless. No matter which way you slice it. Marry young and you lack maturity and income security. Delay and you'll have greater resources and a potential wait.

However, with time comes greater expectations. What you'll tolerate at 20 when you're starting out is a world of difference when you're 30 with a career in tow. That can inhibit connections.

Some people would be better off marrying young. The measuring stick is small. The longer you wait the bigger the yardstick.

 

[Rigatoni]

Just wanted to ask if you could please pray for me. I'm very worried about what the coming days, or should I say the next few months, might bring for me. Thank you.

Will do, Multis. Rest assured you're always in our heart.

 

[bèlla]

@SarahsKnight

Since we discussed a possible entrepreneurial venture in your future you may want to steal a peek at my post on the sneaker thread.

5% is a ballpark figure and fairly standard. The income quoted is based on his following alone. It doesn’t include ads or his mailing list which should net higher conversions.

I wanted to bring it to your attention since I rarely do that but made an exception given the subject.

 

[bèlla]

Interesting read. And a new vocabulary word to boot! First we had adulting and now we’re emerging.

The Primal Method

The general public is starting to recognize what parents, teachers and therapists have known for years: we are losing our young men.

Now more than ever, emerging men between 16 and 35 find themselves stuck in limbo between adolescence and adulthood. Addictions, anxieties, egos, and overwhelming expectations leave them trapped in childhood, frustrated with their lives, and feeling forced to cope with drugs, porn, and video games. For too many young men, this vital period has gone from a stage of emergence to a state of emergency.

In The Primal Method, addiction counselor and therapist Gregory Koufacos draws from his extensive background with troubled young men to identify what has gone wrong, why traditional therapy often fails, and how emerging men can break their debilitating cycles. Using vivid examples from his professional career and own life, Koufacos demonstrates the use of the walking cure, Miyagi mentoring, emphatic challenge, and other techniques that harness young men’s primal motivation to live a life of power and purpose.

 

[SarahsKnight]

I’m ruling out conservatives. I’m not liberal enough for a democrat which leaves the libertarians.

 

[DragonFox91]

It feels lonely today

 

[cara-mia]

@bèlla oh my Cuppie, I am so sorry seems to be a spiral.
How are you?

 

[cara-mia]

This is hilarious!

View attachment 296347

Oh I need a shirt like that!

 

[bèlla]

Oh I need a shirt like that!

That's 100% you!

 

[cara-mia]

That's 100% you!

No doubt. It's my mouth.
You didn't answer, how are you?

 

[bèlla]

@bèlla oh my Cuppie, I am so sorry seems to be a spiral.
How are you?

I'm alright Heart. I had a nap and woke with Mentor in my thoughts. I was recollecting her words and the lesson she provided on love on the heels of your intervention. She told me I couldn't fix, help, or serve others at the expense of my welfare. Irrespective of my want to do so or from a sense of duty.

You insisted I sever the connection because it was wounding me. If you told me at the onset she'd say and do the things she did I wouldn't believe you. How does a person move from being my advocate and support during the most difficult period Little Miss and I experienced to driving a blade in my back?

The person I invited sight unseen to live with me when they had nowhere to turn. I welcomed her and her children and offered to house, feed, and educate them all. Including her. And my family supported it because of what she'd done. They were willing to help. Luckily she didn't come.

My crime wasn't mistreatment. It was my inability to make her first. To give her the position in my life she craved. Above you, Mentor, and the rest. I remember that night clearly. You were talking to me and insisting that I let her go.

And it was hurting me and you said, she's hurting you. This isn't love. I knew what that was. We had it. I wanted to understand why. On the one hand, she'd eviscerate anyone who hurt me. She stood with us with him. Then she turned on me.

I came to realize over time it was a love/hate connection. Love and hate were equal. You couldn't have one without the other. We can cite her sister, circumstances, etc. But at the end of the day she made a choice.

She was incapable of loving me in a healthy fashion. She was damaged and being in my company brought out her better side. But there was more to her than that. She was malicious, envious, and diabolical. She could plot her butt off.

The lesson I learned from that experience was the danger of remaining in unhealthy situations. You see their potential, feel you owe them, etc. But that doesn't excuse the carnage.

One day I looked at the people she befriended. They're all train wrecks. I'm the odd one out. Unless the person is ready to change you'll take a lot of hammering. You're a constant reminder of everything they lack.

When you're young you don't see that. You have good times and never realize you're tying the person in knots. Resentment is bubbling at the surface and eventually spills over. Because I wasn't in her shoes.

I had a nice conversation with someone the other day about mental health. He said something that was really edifying about knowing my limits and the impact it has on my person. I can't take on everything. Some challenges are beyond my pay grade. I'm not the best person to handle it.

That makes me feel bad at times. I want to see everyone happy and thriving. But I can't be the catalyst. God equipped others to handle the stuff I can't. I don't want to deal with the things I experienced with her.

I can't handle the kind of brokenness that makes you beat me up and apologize later. Or pretend it didn't happen. That's not loving. I understand people have things going on in their head and lives that contributes to their behavior.

But I don't want to be their scapegoat. That's a burden I'm unwilling to bear for anyone.