Post-Divorce Relationships (One Year Later)

Cavalier83 · Feb 21, 2021

OK, this is my second and final post of the day. I should’ve come here last year when it was al happening. I’m not so much looking for a solution, but could you guys fill me in on this?

Here goes: (Time Lapse to Oct. 2019)

I’m not a big fan of dating apps, but I decided to toy around on Match, just because I was bored and I haven’t really met anyone at Church. None of the “matches” clicked, but on 10/28- it all changed.

“Jacquie” and I hit it off immediately. A phenomenal conversation lead to another phenomenal month of texting (I’ve since learned it was too much).

We didn’t set a date right away because we live and work two hours apart. The other reason IS she was three months removed from a nasty (finalized) divorce from her husband of four years, (they were together for eight). Right when she was about to start a family, her husband (perhaps verbally abusive) kicked her and the dogs out of the house without explanation- on their anniversary nonetheless. I didn’t push hard because I knew she needed time to heal.

My family took vacation right before Thanksgiving last year, and she and I talked every night for hours and hours (big mistake, I know). One conversation was about her sleep paralysis, which lead to sharing the bed with others. From there, it was disclosed sex is an area I’m still holding out for marriage on. She just got kicked out of hers, so obviously there’s a difference in experience.

Upon coming back from vacation, she started to pull away more and more. Some days, she would act like my best friend. Other nights, she didn’t know me. My family also scolded me for pursuing a girl who hadn’t had time to heal.

Already-Long story short, her and I would talk on and off. I allowed her time and space to heal by not blowing up her phone. Right around Valentines Day, she suddenly ghosted me, right after sending a text that read “I hope your Monday is as sweet as you are”. At the end of the month, she makes Instagram posts with another guy on the ski slopes. Apparently, they were in high school together and then worked right across the street. They have since moved in together.

Right after that, Covid-19 hit the world, which resulted in a double whammy for me. Yes, I’ve had time to let a year pass- but am still deeply hurt. I wasn’t “girlfriend chasing,” I really liked her!

Cavalier83 · Feb 21, 2021

I mainly am curious as to what the feedback here would be... Hopefully, I (and whoever else is on here) can avoid that happening ever again!

TenthAveN · Feb 21, 2021

It sounds like maybe she’s not content to wait until marriage. I wouldn’t feel bad about it not working out. Dating apps are secular in nature, so not many Christians frequent them. You would be better off either using a Christian dating app, or dating within the church. She wanted someone that would be willing to move in together, which I wouldn’t recommend for any Christian.

Sketcher · Feb 22, 2021

Cavalier83 said:
OK, this is my second and final post of the day. I should’ve come here last year when it was al happening. I’m not so much looking for a solution, but could you guys fill me in on this?

Here goes: (Time Lapse to Oct. 2019)

I’m not a big fan of dating apps, but I decided to toy around on Match, just because I was bored and I haven’t really met anyone at Church. None of the “matches” clicked, but on 10/28- it all changed.

“Jacquie” and I hit it off immediately. A phenomenal conversation lead to another phenomenal month of texting (I’ve since learned it was too much).

We didn’t set a date right away because we live and work two hours apart. The other reason IS she was three months removed from a nasty (finalized) divorce from her husband of four years, (they were together for eight). Right when she was about to start a family, her husband (perhaps verbally abusive) kicked her and the dogs out of the house without explanation- on their anniversary nonetheless. I didn’t push hard because I knew she needed time to heal.

My family took vacation right before Thanksgiving last year, and she and I talked every night for hours and hours (big mistake, I know). One conversation was about her sleep paralysis, which lead to sharing the bed with others. From there, it was disclosed sex is an area I’m still holding out for marriage on. She just got kicked out of hers, so obviously there’s a difference in experience.

Upon coming back from vacation, she started to pull away more and more. Some days, she would act like my best friend. Other nights, she didn’t know me. My family also scolded me for pursuing a girl who hadn’t had time to heal.

Already-Long story short, her and I would talk on and off. I allowed her time and space to heal by not blowing up her phone. Right around Valentines Day, she suddenly ghosted me, right after sending a text that read “I hope your Monday is as sweet as you are”. At the end of the month, she makes Instagram posts with another guy on the ski slopes. Apparently, they were in high school together and then worked right across the street. They have since moved in together.

Right after that, Covid-19 hit the world, which resulted in a double whammy for me. Yes, I’ve had time to let a year pass- but am still deeply hurt. I wasn’t “girlfriend chasing,” I really liked her!

1. According to Matthew 5:32, I could not recommend dating her in good conscience.
2. Consider her gone for good.
3. It will probably take a very long time for the pain to appreciably fade. And "appreciably fade" falls well short of "full healing."

bèlla · Feb 22, 2021

Connections must be solidified in person. You can’t spend all your time chatting. Whether it’s online or on the phone. Four months is a long time if you’re in the same vicinity.

It pushes the emotional envelope without the confirmation. You may click on the phone. But meeting seals the deal. I would have Skyped or used Zoom to put a face to the voice.

I don’t agree with ghosting. If you’re interested and your needs are unmet you should discuss it. Give them a chance to address it.

If you prefer a slower pace its advisable to date others who feel the same. You’ll avoid problems.

A word on compromise...

I’ve been in a similar situation in the past. We met online. It was a long time before we spoke on the phone. That’s the only time I’ve made an exception. I did it for several reasons:

He spoke frequently to a friend on the phone. They were close in the past. I knew he was really male.
He wasn’t anonymous. There’s a trail of pictures and posts which confirm his identity and I’ve seen him on camera.
He wasn’t taking his time out of fear.
He wasn’t inexperienced and trying to figure things out.
I got everything I wanted and wasn’t compromising elsewhere.

He ticked all my boxes. Bending was a no-brainer. We didn’t talk everyday or all the time. Intimacy was a process.

When intimacy is a process you’re not overzealous. The fervor doesn’t correlate with the lack. Frequent contact communicates eagerness. If you’re really interested you’d call, meet, etc. That’s what your behavior suggests. When it doesn’t happen you’re sending mixed signals. It doesn’t make sense.

In my experience, when people are unwilling to meet or move to the next phase of relating there’s a problem. Something the other is in the dark about. The three most common are looks, lifestyle, and finances. If they fear the possibility of rejection they’ll try to nail things down beforehand. They rely on emotions and want you to fall for them. That’s the safety net.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

Cavalier83 · Feb 22, 2021

Sketcher said:
1. According to Matthew 5:32, I could not recommend dating her in good conscience.
2. Consider her gone for good.
3. It will probably take a very long time for the pain to appreciably fade. And "appreciably fade" falls well short of "full healing."

I really don’t disagree. From what I learned, it really wasn’t her own fault her husband kicked her out. He just wanted a new future on his own, which was a bizarre story in and of itself.

Im well-aware of the scripture, but didn’t know how it applies if she wasn’t the one initiating the separation.

Elliewaves · Feb 22, 2021

She needed time to heal. I'm sorry you got hurt. It sounds like she got hurt and was confused(rightfully so) and was on the rebound when she should have taken time out for her own healing. As to not letting it happen again, don't get into a relationship with someone who is still dealing with something emotionally messy. I think you acted the right way; you needed to give her space and be cautious and she needed to work through stuff. It sounds like she didn't and just jumped into another relationship which is not healthy. It wasn't meant to be.

ReesePiece23 · Feb 22, 2021

I've got nothing overly profound to add to this. I think the lessons you learned here were more valuable to you than she would have been - and that's a win by the way. Even if it doesn't feel like it. You couldn't have pursued a relationship with her even if SHE wanted to, because it would have honestly crippled your OWN personal development. (Thereby hampering the relationship.)

These *not so* phenomenal conversations (over the phone) were what did you in. But it's all good - hopefully you've exhausted this aspect of yourself, because you won't want to do it again. When gaining attraction you NEED to preserve a bit of mystery to begin with. Otherwise, there's nothing for the woman to 'figure out' or seek to understand. There's no active pursuit, it's all passive and easy. And no one wants that.

I'm not suggesting that you be 'a bad boy' but do offer her up some breadcrumbs to follow. At the end of a date, don't say anything more than "I'll see you soon" - preserve that mystery. Because if you've ever read a book or watched a movie that gave away the ending straight away, you probably lost interest rather rapidly.

In time, unveil your true self. But do so OVER time. In the beginning, be a little bit mysterious and uncertain. And move forward accordingly (because that mystery won't wash when love is established.)

Cavalier83 · Feb 22, 2021

It actually wasn’t too long ago whenever I wrote to her. I just had to sort my emotions out since I held it in for so long. I hadn’t really expected to hear back, but am still relatively glad I did this!

Hey Jacquie

I know it has been a year since we last spoke. Even though I don't invest much time on social media, I see you have finally found happiness. I know it is well-deserved, and likely long overdue.

I truly wish you the best. Having our conversation and connection come
to an abrupt end, stayed with me for months (and sometimes still does). Perhaps I could've spoken up, but I really didn't know what I could've done at that particular time.

Even though we never met in person, I loved learning about your life, personality and perspectives. That's what made the sudden end so painful for me! Perhaps, you mainly just needed friendship and encouragement during that time, and I hope I was able to provide that.

Again, I'm glad you are doing so much better in your life. You've worked for it and deserve it. I remember you telling me how building a future and a life was very important to you. I really hope you are making it happen! I also wish you and your loved ones have stayed healthy in spite of the pandemic. If you ever need any prayer, don't hesitate to reach out.

Cavalier83 (Actually, my real name).

Sketcher · Feb 22, 2021

Cavalier83 said:
I really don’t disagree. From what I learned, it really wasn’t her own fault her husband kicked her out. He just wanted a new future on his own, which was a bizarre story in and of itself.

Im well-aware of the scripture, but didn’t know how it applies if she wasn’t the one initiating the separation.

The application is within the text of the verse itself:

"But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."

If she's not committing a sexual transgression as grounds for the divorce, in which case she's committing adultery already, then his divorce of her is going to motivate her to get together with someone else. Which Jesus is defining as adultery in this verse, both for her, and for the new guy. And since the husband put her in this position, he bears some guilt.

1 Corinthians 7:39 corroborates this interpretation of the divorced woman's availability.

I cannot recommend that anybody be on the wrong side of this teaching by pursuing a divorcee whose ex isn't dead yet.

Cavalier83 · Feb 25, 2021

Interesting feedback. It was just a hard lesson to be learned on my part. The only reason I’m bumping it up is to see if there’s more to be said.

ThisIsMe123 · Feb 26, 2021

Cavalier83 said:
OK, this is my second and final post of the day. I should’ve come here last year when it was al happening. I’m not so much looking for a solution, but could you guys fill me in on this?

Here goes: (Time Lapse to Oct. 2019)

I’m not a big fan of dating apps, but I decided to toy around on Match, just because I was bored and I haven’t really met anyone at Church. None of the “matches” clicked, but on 10/28- it all changed.

“Jacquie” and I hit it off immediately. A phenomenal conversation lead to another phenomenal month of texting (I’ve since learned it was too much).

We didn’t set a date right away because we live and work two hours apart. The other reason IS she was three months removed from a nasty (finalized) divorce from her husband of four years, (they were together for eight). Right when she was about to start a family, her husband (perhaps verbally abusive) kicked her and the dogs out of the house without explanation- on their anniversary nonetheless. I didn’t push hard because I knew she needed time to heal.

My family took vacation right before Thanksgiving last year, and she and I talked every night for hours and hours (big mistake, I know). One conversation was about her sleep paralysis, which lead to sharing the bed with others. From there, it was disclosed sex is an area I’m still holding out for marriage on. She just got kicked out of hers, so obviously there’s a difference in experience.

Upon coming back from vacation, she started to pull away more and more. Some days, she would act like my best friend. Other nights, she didn’t know me. My family also scolded me for pursuing a girl who hadn’t had time to heal.

Already-Long story short, her and I would talk on and off. I allowed her time and space to heal by not blowing up her phone. Right around Valentines Day, she suddenly ghosted me, right after sending a text that read “I hope your Monday is as sweet as you are”. At the end of the month, she makes Instagram posts with another guy on the ski slopes. Apparently, they were in high school together and then worked right across the street. They have since moved in together.

Right after that, Covid-19 hit the world, which resulted in a double whammy for me. Yes, I’ve had time to let a year pass- but am still deeply hurt. I wasn’t “girlfriend chasing,” I really liked her!

You know it is interesting how you would think you'd have a dating situation going on with a woman, then boom...she's heavily involved with someone and...she never mentioned him to you. Not a glint. It's like she kept him secret from you.

I remember a long time ago, on "The Real World" where a guy met a woman, got her number, and when he called her, she said she was getting engaged to be married. He was like "[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] just happened?"

(I felt sorry for the guy she's marrying).

ThisIsMe123 · Feb 26, 2021

Sketcher said:
I cannot recommend that anybody be on the wrong side of this teaching by pursuing a divorcee whose ex isn't dead yet.

Okay, but then if the person who divorces you and marries another or gets involved romantically with another (which is VERY likely going to happen), is thus commiting adultery.

Would that then release you from any obligation to be faithful to that person, and then allows you to pursue others?

Cavalier83 · Feb 26, 2021

I also found out later that her husband left to be with someone else... I’ll just paraphrase and say... they both found their own guy to be with after the marriage dissipated.

bèlla · Feb 26, 2021

ThisIsMe123 said:
You know it is interesting how you would think you'd have a dating situation going on with a woman, then boom...she's heavily involved with someone and...she never mentioned him to you. Not a glint. It's like she kept him secret from you.

A lot of people hedge in the dating scene. Especially men. A woman may devote her attention to one person but that's rarely the case for the opposite sex. I'm not saying it doesn't occur. But men are usually talking to others and narrowing down their choices.

I don't agree with juggling. If someone has potential I'll see it through. I'm not screening five others. It feels unethical to me.

~bella

Sophrosyne · Feb 26, 2021

If you can't date someone in person don't think that they won't date someone in person if they come across them. Long distance relationships fail because you get to only know what the person reveals to you as sometimes the real person is revealed by her family and friends and the way they act and carry themselves in public and private.
I've fallen prey to women that are "seeking" someone to cry on their shoulder and make them feel good about themselves and sadly you can actually sabotage yourself as you "help" them to a point that they feel confident about themselves they start dating someone local and give you the brush off. I won't go romantic online with a woman prior to meeting her and her family and hanging around them for awhile because we often see online what people want us to see. Some people are exactly like they are online, some are the same only if they feel comfortable around people and in public they are different while some are different online than they are in real life. In other words some put on a facade to make themselves more attractive when in a mature relationship you have to find the deep down attraction that will persevere in a marriage not the shallow attraction that comes and goes on a whim.
I would say that this women you were talking to is similar to a relationship or two I've had online in the past long ago where they were hurting and lonely and "damaged" and wanted someone to care and help them feel better about themselves and as the relationship progressed they started to feel better about themselves and in time were empowered to date locally and found success and they got what they wanted from you maybe it was selfish or not the fact is you end up feeling used. In a sense this could be in some cases a form of abuse finding a people pleaser to please you and dumping you for likely the same damaged personality you just divorced yourself from.

ThisIsMe123 · Feb 27, 2021

bèlla said:
A lot of people hedge in the dating scene. Especially men. A woman may devote her attention to one person but that's rarely the case for the opposite sex. I'm not saying it doesn't occur. But men are usually talking to others and narrowing down their choices.

I don't agree with juggling. If someone has potential I'll see it through. I'm not screening five others. It feels unethical to me.

~bella

Yeah, they are like "I'm seeing someone" which doesn't indicate they are a girlfriend of that person either. "Hedging" is a good way to the describe it. Or they are like "I'm talking to this one person, so I'm seeing how it goes". Then these guys may wind up being orbiters, depending on the situation.

Yes, I have noticed that women admittedly say they don't like to juggle, some think it's bad taste if you do. To some of them, you may as well be cheating. lol

They even fault men for doing it.

bèlla · Feb 27, 2021

ThisIsMe123 said:
Yes, I have noticed that women admittedly say they don't like to juggle, some think it's bad taste if you do. To some of them, you may as well be cheating. lol

They even fault men for doing it.

You can’t hedge without stringing people along. You keep them on the hook in case the other options fall through. I won’t do that. If there’s a spark I discontinue communication with other men. He isn’t competing with a slew of maybes. That’s not fair.

I don’t buy into the notion of lost opportunities. Focusing on one person doesn’t mean I’m missing out. I’m giving the connection a chance to bloom and see what happens. If it doesn’t I’ll meet someone else.

A lot of men try to level up. They bypass viable candidates for ideals which rarely pay off. The nice girl who values your company and supports you is looked over someone for who appeases the ego or matches societal standards. They waste a lot of time chasing rainbows.

It all comes down to investment. If you want someone to invest you have to acknowledge the price. What do they have to put up with to be with you? Relationships rarely end over positive traits. They break because of baggage.

The question is, who can handle your baggage without freaking out? Don’t try to convince them or camouflage it. If they see you at your worst and they’re supportive give them a chance.

Dating is simple. We complicate it.

~bella

ThisIsMe123 · Feb 27, 2021

bèlla said:
You can’t hedge without stringing people along. You keep them on the hook in case the other options fall through. I won’t do that. If there’s a spark I discontinue communication with other men. He isn’t competing with a slew of maybes. That’s not fair.

I don’t buy into the notion of lost opportunities. Focusing on one person doesn’t mean I’m missing out. I’m giving the connection a chance to bloom and see what happens. If it doesn’t I’ll meet someone else.

A lot of men try to level up. They bypass viable candidates for ideals which rarely pay off. The nice girl who values your company and supports you is looked over someone for who appeases the ego or matches societal standards. They waste a lot of time chasing rainbows.

It all comes down to investment. If you want someone to invest you have to acknowledge the price. What do they have to put up with to be with you? Relationships rarely end over positive traits. They break because of baggage.

The question is, who can handle your baggage without freaking out? Don’t try to convince them or camouflage it. If they see you at your worst and they’re supportive give them a chance.

Dating is simple. We complicate it.

~bella

I think there's another analogy, mostly used by men "Plate spinning". lol

bèlla · Feb 27, 2021

ThisIsMe123 said:
I think there's another analogy, mostly used by men "Plate spinning". lol

I could see that fitting!

Riddle me this. What’s the Christian approach in your opinion? Double dipping or something else?

~bella

Post-Divorce Relationships (One Year Later)

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