Post-Divorce Relationships (One Year Later)

[ThisIsMe123]

I could see that fitting!

Riddle me this. What’s the Christian approach in your opinion? Double dipping or something else?

~bella

Well the thing is, I figured you have to have to have at least one back-up in case the other flakes. I've had women flake on me a lot, so it's always to have more than one phone numbers of prospects I'm not a "player" by any means...but it's good to have options.

When I was younger, I would get "one-itus" with a woman that wasn't quite all in with me. So if you're always getting flaked on or blown off at the last minute, I think it's wise to have other options in case plans fall through.

 

[bèlla]

Well the thing is, I figured you have to have to have at least one back-up in case the other flakes. I've had women flake on me a lot, so it's always to have more than one phone numbers of prospects I'm not a "player" by any means...but it's good to have options.

I’ve never had a backup. We spend time gauging compatibility in the beginning. Before dates and all the rest. It allows us to weigh investment and possible compromises. If we determine there’s a connection worth exploring we’ll date.

I don’t go out with men I’m not involved with. Nowhere relationships keep you busy but they rarely amount to anything. You look up and a year has passed and nothing’s changed.

If someone wants to be with you they don’t flake or make excuses. Fear can give the appearance of flakiness. I’ll give someone the benefit of doubt if they’re afraid or inexperienced. But they have to admit it. Otherwise I move on.

~bella

 

[Astrid]

I mainly am curious as to what the feedback here would be... Hopefully, I (and whoever else is on here) can avoid that happening ever again!

One is, don't fall for the "white knight / damsel in
distress" thing.
Men do their version of it too. I've had it tried on me.

 

[Astrid]

You can’t hedge without stringing people along. You keep them on the hook in case the other options fall through. I won’t do that. If there’s a spark I discontinue communication with other men. He isn’t competing with a slew of maybes. That’s not fair.

I don’t buy into the notion of lost opportunities. Focusing on one person doesn’t mean I’m missing out. I’m giving the connection a chance to bloom and see what happens. If it doesn’t I’ll meet someone else.

A lot of men try to level up. They bypass viable candidates for ideals which rarely pay off. The nice girl who values your company and supports you is looked over someone for who appeases the ego or matches societal standards. They waste a lot of time chasing rainbows.

It all comes down to investment. If you want someone to invest you have to acknowledge the price. What do they have to put up with to be with you? Relationships rarely end over positive traits. They break because of baggage.

The question is, who can handle your baggage without freaking out? Don’t try to convince them or camouflage it. If they see you at your worst and they’re supportive give them a chance.

Dating is simple. We complicate it.

~bella

I come with a lot of baggage. I dont wear it on my sleeve but I been
very upfront about it.

 

[bèlla]

One is, don't fall for the "white knight / damsel in
distress" thing.
Men do their version of it too. I've had it tried on me.

What’s the male version?

~bella

 

[bèlla]

I come with a lot of baggage. I dont wear it on my sleeve but I been
very upfront about it.

Everyone has challenges. Admitting the truth is best. Our problems aren’t a concern for someone who desires our companionship.

~bella

 

[Astrid]

What’s the male version?

~bella

In news from US there was a thing of some guy who had
defrauded hundreds of thousands of USD from women he'd never met.
One trick was story of being unjustly imprisoned overseas.

 

[Astrid]

Everyone has challenges. Admitting the truth is best. Our problems aren’t a concern for someone who desires our companionship.

~bella

>>>happily in a relationship <<<<

 

[bèlla]

In news from US there was a thing of some guy who had
defrauded hundreds of thousands of USD from women he'd never met.
One trick was story of being unjustly imprisoned overseas.

Wow, that’s terrible.

 

[Astrid]

Wow, that’s terrible.

There are a lot of "love"scams!
Scams of every sort.
As one with money, I've had some
practice with people trying to separate me from it.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

In news from US there was a thing of some guy who had
defrauded hundreds of thousands of USD from women he'd never met.
One trick was story of being unjustly imprisoned overseas.

I don't really consider that to be the male version of the "damsel in distress" act. It's just a man being a scam artist. It happens all the time, especially now with the internet. Anyone, male or female, is capable of being duped by a fake sap story.

I find most women still play the damsel in distress act more traditionally, rather than like a scam artist, in the sense that they are in for the long haul with this sucker they have chosen, and just for the security and to be doted on. Because society has told her her entire life that she is a princess and should always, no matter how she thinks or behaves, be treated like one.

 

[Astrid]

I don't really consider that to be the male version of the "damsel in distress" act. It's just a man being a scam artist. It happens all the time, especially now with the internet. Anyone, male or female, is capable of being duped by a fake sap story.

I find most women still play the damsel in distress act more traditionally, rather than like a scam artist, in the sense that they are in for the long haul with this sucker they have chosen, and just for the security and to be doted on. Because society has told her her entire life that she is a princess and should always, no matter how she thinks or behaves, should be treated like one.

Yes to above

 

[bèlla]

While I understand a man’s desire to protect the fairer sex, I’m leery of men who routinely choose damsels or people with serious problems. I don’t automatically assume he’s benevolent.

When you’re a mess you miss things. You don’t see their shortcomings. He can look like a white knight but could be someone incapable of relating with healthy partners.

Some prey on weakness to exploit or camouflage their own problems.

~bella

 

[Niels]

While I understand a man’s desire to protect the fairer sex, I’m leery of men who routinely choose damsels or people with serious problems. I don’t automatically assume he’s benevolent.

When you’re a mess you miss things. You don’t see their shortcomings. He can look like a white knight but could be someone incapable of relating with healthy partners.

Some prey on weakness to exploit or camouflage their own problems.

~bella

That's wise. For the most part, I don't think people should even date when their lives are in turmoil. Wait for a while, get your life together, and only then consider dating. From a man's perspective, I don't know whether a damsel in distress likes me for who I am. That's enough to put the brakes on a relationship.

Protecting the fairer sex, if one wants to think of it that way, is fine but should be part of a greater pattern. One that involves protecting the sick, the elderly, children, and others who need protection. Dating shouldn't factor into it. Chivalry was a code of honor among knights, to help society function better. Not something that men would expect women to reward them with affection. Speaking of real knights who wore white, the Knights Templar were celibate.

 

[bèlla]

That's wise. For the most part, I don't think people should even date when their lives are in turmoil. Wait for a while, get your life together, and only then consider dating. From a man's perspective, I don't know whether a damsel in distress likes me for who I am. That's enough to put the brakes on a relationship.

I agree. The male version of the damsel was mentioned earlier. How would you describe the same for your sex? What's the male equivalent?

~bella

 

[Niels]

I agree. The male version of the damsel was mentioned earlier. How would you describe the same for your sex? What's the male equivalent?

~bella

A mansel in distress?





The word "needy" might be used describe both male and female versions. There's no shame in finding one's self in a tough spot, or at least there shouldn't be, and neediness can stem from legitimate need. Any of us could potentially find ourselves there. Most of the time, however, the hardships in life are temporary. When it comes to dating, I don't think our temporary situations should be as much of a factor as other things like compatible personalities and values. The idea that desperate times call for desperate measures isn't a healthy way to approach relationships.

The female white knight in this scenario might find herself with a man that she doesn't recognize when her "mansel in distress" hits his stride again.

With regard to the OP, neediness is a strong component in rebound relationships. That's why I prefer to avoid dating women who recently broke up with a long term boyfriend. They should allow enough time for the dust to settle before jumping into another relationship.

If we're not just talking about temporary neediness, however, he might be a manipulator, a mooch, a covert narcissist, or a mixture of these things.

 

[bèlla]

A mansel in distress?

Brilliant term!

The idea that desperate times call for desperate measures isn't a healthy way to approach relationships.

Desperation is difficult to hide and usually sends people scurrying unless they’re equally desperate. You’ll get an anvil on the head or worse.

The female white knight in this scenario might find herself with a man that she doesn't recognize when her "mansel in distress" hits his stride again.

The Helpful Helga’s want to fix him or latch onto someone they believe they’ll change through love and patience. He’s misunderstood. They rarely question how many Helga’s he’s run through.

With regard to the OP, neediness is a strong component in rebound relationships. That's why I prefer to avoid dating women who recently broke up with a long term boyfriend. They should allow enough time for the dust to settle before jumping into another relationship.

I made the mistake of partnering once years ago in the wrong headspace. He was talking to two of us at the same time. We figured it out because we were friends.

My ex told me I had no business getting involved with him. He was right. It was too soon. The new guy saw my vulnerability and made his move. I believed him. I used to be really naive.

If we're not just talking about temporary neediness, however, he might be a manipulator, a mooch, a covert narcissist, or a mixture of these things.

I can spot that sort easily. They’re usually smooth talkers. I like confidence but theirs is pretty slick and alarming.

~bella

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Brilliant term!



Desperation is difficult to hide and usually sends people scurrying unless they’re equally desperate. You’ll get an anvil on the head or worse.



The Helpful Helga’s want to fix him or latch onto someone they believe they’ll change through love and patience. He’s misunderstood. They rarely question how many Helga’s he’s run through.



I made the mistake of partnering once years ago in the wrong headspace. He was talking to two of us at the same time. We figured it out because we were friends.

My ex told me I had no business getting involved with him. He was right. It was too soon. The new guy saw my vulnerability and made his move. I believed him. I used to be really naive.



I can spot that sort easily. They’re usually smooth talkers. I like confidence but theirs is pretty slick and alarming.

~bella

Hi Bella, check your DM's please

 

[sampa]

Yes, I have noticed that women admittedly say they don't like to juggle, some think it's bad taste if you do. To some of them, you may as well be cheating. lol

It's true. Last year was the first time I tried to reach out on multiple sites. And within one day I had four guys I was conversing with and phone numbers. I have never gotten up to five guys at one time again, but I made sure to let each of them know that I was talking to someone else. And when it came time for a date, I let them know if another date was arranged. My father always taught me that honesty is the best policy. Although I was honest the guy that I fell for, I think was hiding things from me and possibly talking to others. He did tell me after I confessed of a date that had been arranged before ours, that a gal from a site had reconnected with him because her dog had passed away a few weeks earlier. He told me he only talks to one gal at a time, but I'm not sure what that means since he ended up with someone else while we were still dating.

A lot of men try to level up. They bypass viable candidates for ideals which rarely pay off. The nice girl who values your company and supports you is looked over someone for who appeases the ego or matches societal standards. They waste a lot of time chasing rainbows.

Very interesting information.

The question is, who can handle your baggage without freaking out?

Yes, very true. We all come with our own sets of imperfection. It's only with Christ that those things can be worked out.