Title says the question. We rushed into marriage after college. We didn’t give our relationship time to mature while dating. I didn’t know who she truly was. We’ve been married for about 8 months.
Title says the question. We rushed into marriage after college. We didn’t give our relationship time to mature while dating. I didn’t know who she truly was. We’ve been married for about 8 months.
8 months? You've only just begun! A little early, I think, to have had your "jets cooled." You're not into inappropriate content, are you?
She is miserable because I don’t love her like I did when we were dating. The truth is, I don’t. I love her like a close friends but truthfully I am completely romantically disenchanted.
Welcome to marriage! Goodness! Did you think the romantic warm-and-fuzzies would last forever?
"Feelings come, and feelings go,
And feelings are deceiving."
Romantic passion takes work to sustain. And one only does the necessary work to maintain such passion out of the real bedrock of any marriage: God's self-sacrificing love. Honestly, sexual passion occupies only a relatively small part of any marriage. It's there, yes, and important, but it is not the be-all-and-end-all of married life like Hollywood movies, and t.v. shows, and the myriad magazines crowding grocery store check-out counters would have you believe.
The depth and strength of your love for each other as husband and wife isn't displayed in how many pieces of furniture you can break while love-making. That's Hollywood nonsense (and is both painful and expensive). Loving your wife happens when the feelings of passion and lust subside and you must
choose to love her regardless, caring for her, sacrificing for her, being patient, and gracious and protective of her, leading her spiritually with kindness, humility and a holy, Christ-centered life.
I read of a man whose wife of many decades had taken ill and was confined, comatose, to bed in a care facility. Every morning the man would arrive at the facility, and spend the day with his wife, reading to her, talking with her, and simply being with her. He did this for
years, day-in, day-out, rain or shine, never having the slightest response from his wife indicating she knew he was there and caring for her as best he could. This is real love, godly love, the love upon which a lasting marriage must rest. This is the love to which all husbands are called by God to show their wives. It is impossible to do in our own human resources, which is what God intends we should realize as soon as possible, so that we draw close to Him, relying upon Him at every turn for His strength to live His way with our wives.
Ephesians 5:25-30
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of His body.
1 John 4:7-11
7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.
8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
9 By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.
10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
How can you act to encourage love for your wife within yourself? Jesus said that where our treasure (time, energy, money) is, there will our hearts be also. (
Matthew 6:21) So, then, invest your "treasure" heavily in your relationship with your wife. As you do, she will obtain more of your heart. Spend as much time as possible with her. Develop activities you can do together on a regular basis. Talk with her and LISTEN, really listen, to her. Share with her your inner self, your struggles, fears, successes and spiritual journey with the Lord. Guard your life with her carefully.
Many things will vie with your wife for the investment of your treasure, especially when you are emotionally in the place you're in with her at the moment. They may seem pretty innocuous, many of them: video games, watching t.v., hanging out with friends, a hobby that takes you away from her, etc. As these things accumulate between you and your wife, distance between you will grow, literally and figuratively, exaggerating the "disenchantment" you're feeling. Be careful, then, in what you invest your time, energy and money.
I believed her to be a Christian when we first married but her actions and word have me questioning daily the truth of that. This has been a huge factor in my falling out of love. A lot of it has to do with her behavior as she has bipolar like mood swings what seems like daily.
You are called by God to love your wife regardless of her spiritual condition. He loves her deeply and gave his life for her. How about you?
The bipolar behaviour can be an enormous challenge. I grew up with a bipolar mother. Scary stuff. Never knew quite what to expect: a kind word, or a blow across the face, the saint or the demon. Anyway, God's commands to love don't change because we're dealing with someone whose psychology/emotions swing wildly to extremes.
Philippians 4:12-13
12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.
13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
Marriage is for life. As far as God is concerned, this is a non-negotiable. There is no back-door; no divorce clause or exception. If you hold in your mind the idea that you can pull up stakes and desert your marriage if it gets too unpleasant, you will not act in your marriage the way you will if there's no getting out of it.
To use a very rough analogy: The soldier in the trenches fights the enemy with all he's got, not necessarily because he wants to, but because if he doesn't, there's a bullet with his name on it in front of, and behind, him. There's no getting out of the fight, so the soldier fights "all in," giving everything he has in him when, if he had the choice, he'd turn tail and run. So, too, with marriage. If we think there's an escape route when things get really tough in marriage, we'll take it rather than giving all we've got to make it work. But God says, "Marriage is for life. No leaving it when the going gets rough. I HATE divorce."
Malachi 2:13-16
13 "This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand.
14 "Yet you say, 'For what reason?' Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.
15 "But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth.
16 "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."
One other thing: You defraud your wife by withholding sexual relations from her. Implicit in the marriage vows you make to your spouse is your agreement to meet her needs - all of them - as best you can. This includes her sexual needs, obviously. The apostle Paul wrote very directly about this:
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
4 The wife has not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband has not power of his own body, but the wife.
5 Defraud you not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
You allow Satan a door into your marriage - and a big one, in my opinion - when you sexually defraud your spouse, neglecting the sexual area of your relationship with her because you're feeling "disenchanted."
