The Excuse Game

It would take too long to explain the lack of social distancing and why don't we wear helmets instead of masks because helmets are cooler, and dragons.

Teach my dogs about sharing and living in harmony.

Cry harmony, and let slip the dogs of cuddles! - Doesn't have the same ring to it.

Could you stop being such a blank slate, who keeps mixing metaphors, and turn over a new page?

I would, but it would be awkward for me. It would be like the tail wagging the cat. I just need to keep my forehead to the grindstone, really.

Could you clarify things for me, please?

I see things through rose colored glasses, so I can only pinkify things.

Please squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom and make the toilet paper roll downwards and do all those other petty things that seem to irritate people if you do it differently.

.

I reserve the right to do everything differently. Am I not free? In fact, I'll make sure of it! I'll individually tear off each square of toiletpaper and wrap them in cellophane, which I'll keep in a big bowl; and I'll cut open the tube and sculpt the toothpaste into tiny figurines of mythical figures.

Bask in my contrariness!

Hold on I’m still trying to think of a clever blend of metaphors.

Make things go more slowly so I can keep up

When I bought my super-deluxe, as-seen-on-tv, Chrono-ccelerator, I didn't spend the extra $99.95 for the option to slow time down.

Dress as a super hero for a day to earn money for charity.

It'd mean we'd have to fight. And I don't want to give or take any bullets.

Share that ?

Get away from me, you filthy commie. Next thing you know, I'll have to samizdat my memoirs from a gulag.

Let's go boating down the river.

I can't, I hear banjos playing in the distance.

Hold this, please. I need to wash my hands.

No, you need to don full PPE! Mask, visor, gown, 2 sets of gloves, giant plastic bubble, personal airlock, etc. You can't be too careful.

Can you find this dog a good home?

Um, that's no dog- that's a warg!


Gimme a gimlet!

I would, but according to Raymond Chandler in The Long Goodbye, "a real gimlet is gin and half Rose's lime juice and nothing else." Unfortunately, all I have is nothing else. Sorry.

Can I have mine straight up?

Wow, how insensitive. I can't help having kyphosis.


Take a sensitivity training course and become an SJW.

The Society of Jesus no longer accepts extra letters.

How can you be so jesuitical?

I blame that Latin professor from Campion Hall...

What's YOUR excuse?!

MY excuse? My Latin and my logic was taught me by Monty Python. So, Romanes eunt domus to you too!

How can I redeem myself?

I'd like to tell you, but this isn't the proper thread for advice!

Tell me if I'm becoming too pedantic.

Do not worry. You can never be too pedantic. I would have gone with 'Inform me whether' myself, as tell does not necessarily invoke passing on of information unknown to you. You also used the contraction I'm, instead of the more stately I am, as if you are using the biblical theophoric ending in a minced English form. To each his own, I assume.

How dare you!