I don't know what to, husband doesn't want to get help.

faroukfarouk · Mar 12, 2020

So sorry.

For a start, daily prayer and the Scriptures are important in maintaining an upright walk before the Lord, for the believer in the Lord Jesus and His work at the Cross for sinners.

I don't know whether you and your husband have had the daily habit of reading God's Word together prayerfully. John's Gospel and John's First Epistle make wonderful reading.

Aussie Pete · Mar 12, 2020

swill314 said:
I really apologize for how long this is. My husband and I have been married about a year and a half. He was always really sweet when we were dating and engaged. When we got married I noticed he was depressed and anxious and wasn't being treated which was hard on us, so I suggested he get treatment and he eventually did and it helped.

Whenever we'd argue about things before it would usually be about larger issues, and it's become much more common that just me talking about something that made me sad or freaked me out or just something in general can become a huge issue. The first time I got concerned about his action he was VERY worked up quickly and was screaming at me because I told him that him making fun of me made me sad. I was really freaked out because I wasn't even that upset during that conversation and he was screaming and swearing to scare me or so it seemed. I said that wasn't ok to try and scare me and he said he was sorry, that he shouldn't have gotten so upset.

The last thing that happened was the most confusing and concerning. I'd asked him to take my car in and get checked because he prefers to do those things to get the best deal, which is fine. But my tire on the right side was shaking, he put air in my tires one night and it was still shaking, so after three times asking him and him not doing it, I took it in. The guy at the repair shop wouldn't even let me leave. He gave me two discounts and gave me one tire free - something I'm pretty sure he wasn't supposed to do, just so I wouldn't leave without new tires. I called my husband to tell him and he said, "we only have x amount of money in our checking." I said that I understood but I didn't have a choice and that I'd get a credit card because this was a safety issue, I couldn't make it home. My husband then said the price was expensive and we could get a better deal somewhere else. I said I literally couldn't go anywhere else. I was also at a discount tire place. lol. I said the price included the install and he admitted it was a better price if the install was included. I said I literally had no choice and he said ok, to do what we had to do and he'd see me soon. My mom and dad ended up paying for half, my mom heard me talking to him and didn't want me to feel bad spending money so decided to pay for half.

This is technically my parents' car I drive and we pay no insurance on it and it doesn't even have payments if we wanted to pay them, so I think paying for tires shouldn't be a big deal. I got home and I told my husband that I understood he didn't want to spend money and neither did I, but it was a safety issue and he made me feel really bad for spending money on something I had to get. I pointed out that I am always ok with him fixing things on his car (even if it's not worth it because of how old it is) and I really just want to feel comfortable getting basic needs met for safety. He said he was just upset about spending money and that he should have led with how important my daughter's (who is 5) safety is first. I said ok, I just felt really bad. He got really upset and asked if I was just mad he didn't get me a new car. I've never asked for a new car, always said I would drive this one until it isn't worth it to fix it. He said that I "think of cars as disposable and all I wanted to do was sh*t on him by bringing this up", which really no place in our conversation because I don't. He brought up our conversation about fixing his car the last time he needed a repair (we didn't disagree during that conversation he was talking about) and I said it wasn't about that conversation months ago, but that I just wanted to be treated the same way I do for him when it comes to his car and safety. And he said no, I had definitely been talking about that particular conversation from months ago, and he pulled out his phone and obviously started recording because when he picked up his phone he stopped yelling at me. Then I said that there's no reason to record our conversations and that it was odd and he said "no, I'm going to record you if you're gonna be like this." I felt really violated, especially over something like this. I realized then that I felt very uncomfortable so I left and went to my parents' house. I tried not to talk to him as I left because of how angry he was. He only said he was sorry for getting so angry, that he couldn't help it as I left and didn't even try to get off the couch. He didn't contact me until the next night later in the evening. He said that I "make him so angry and he loves me so much," and I said it's fine to be angry but that he couldn't scream and me and violate me by recording me, that those are boundaries that can't be crossed. He said I was right and then said that he doesn't know if he can make me happy or if I can make him feel loved because I'm distant sometimes. I told him that I was distant sometimes because I've been living in fear of his anger lately. He said he's "never had anger issues before me" so he doesn't think talking to someone will help, basically refusing counseling or a psychologist.I told him I'm afraid of him hitting me when I feel like this. He said he'd never hit me, etc.

I really don't know how I feel and I just feel so confused. I have a daughter and I can't have her seeing things like this. Any words of advice or wisdom would help. I'm really just so fragile right now.

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this tale of woe, I'd be rich. I wish I knew more before I got married. People seem capable of maintaining a persona until they get what they want. Then the real character emerges. My marriage lasted 9 years. The warning signs were there in the first few weeks.

You need to know the reason why your husband is behaving as he is. If it is to do with the marriage, it will require a certain approach. If it is a spiritual issue, that will require a different approach.

If it is related to marriage, I would recommend that you both listen to Mark Gungor - and at the same time. Mark has an amazing insight into relationships and into the differences between men and women. He is also very funny.

If it is a spiritual issue, that is hard. Many things can make a man obnoxious. Pride, stubbornness, rebellion, independence are all root causes of marriage problems. It's not being married as such, it's the reality that a close relationship brings out the true character. If we saw the truth before we married, we would likely (if sensible) walk away.

If you do go to counselling, go together. It's a must. People say things that cut like a knife but they have no idea that it hurts, mean nothing by it and may not even remember saying it. If he brings up an issue that bugs him, you may be able to defuse it. If you are not there, only side of the story gets told.

If he becomes violent, walk. The marriage is over. God does not expect you to endure that. Being sorry is not enough. There is help available. Lord Jesus came to set captives free. Your husband has a great opportunity to be free from his problems.

Ask God for wisdom. We do not always help ourselves when we respond inappropriately to provocation. At the same time, you are not a carpet to be walked over.

OldWiseGuy · Mar 12, 2020

Be submissive and non-confrontational and see if he calms down. If he doesn't you have big problems and should prepare for the worst, even physical violence. Many men are so independent that marriage, even to one he loves, is a straitjacket that he is constantly struggling with. I am such a man, and although I loved my wife I was never comfortable having to compromise just about everything. After we parted a great weight left my shoulders. I have not remarried and am happy as a clam.

tturt · Mar 13, 2020

There is marital advice in Scripture such as "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:" Eph 4:26 Know a couple that agreed that they both have to apologize when they have any type of ruffle before 10. Personally, I've found the sooner I apologize the better. Sometimes it's for my behavior , tone or attitude during a disagreement. - how I've said things or the words I"ve used."A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."
(Pro 15:1).

Also, husbands love your wives and wives Respect your husbands (Eph 5:33). How would your husband define you giving him respect?

Forgive - if needed everyday

Prayer and fasting. Asking God what changes you need to make.

Dave Ramsey's financial help would probably be beneficial. Does your church offer info in this area?

Book recommendation - Five Love Languages by Chapman.

Encourage you to watch "Marriage Today" Those televised programs are on Daystar. Plus their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. There's hundreds on youtube.

Tolworth John · Mar 13, 2020

swill314 said:
He said he's "never had anger issues before me" so he doesn't think talking to someone will help, basically refusing counseling or a psychologist.I told him I'm afraid of him hitting me when I feel like this. He said he'd never hit me, etc.

If he will not seek help over his anger then there is no hope for your marriage.

You will get back with him when he agrees to meet together with your pastor.

If when you are with him he starts recording, do the same ensuring that you are heard to ask him reasonable and calmly what the problem is.
Wait for his answer if he doesn't, ask why he won't answer on record why he is upset and in a rage over, state the reason for the argument.
Our he still does not answer remind him how prior to his producing his phone he had been behaving.
Still no reply, say on record you are leaving the house.

You want phone records of his unreasonable behaviour.

After you've recorded him consider a long engagement and courtship before thinking about marriage.

Endeavourer · Mar 13, 2020

swill314 said:
The first time I got concerned about his action he was VERY worked up quickly and was screaming at me because I told him that him making fun of me made me sad. I was really freaked out because I wasn't even that upset during that conversation and he was screaming and swearing to scare me or so it seemed. I said that wasn't ok to try and scare me and he said he was sorry, that he shouldn't have gotten so upset.

Swill,

This is flagrant abuse. Your husband is not safe for a relationship with that behavior.

The Bible talks about wives submitting to their husbands. Please know that it does NOT require submission to abusive husbands. Paul upended the culture of that time by empowering wives to submit (giving them the action item) instead of empowering husbands to demand it.

Submission to your husband is your gift to your husband when it is safe to do so, and when conditions are such that you desires to give him this gift. He is not entitled to your submission, or any gifts, regardless of the cost to you.

Submitting to a husband who abuses you is a very dangerous path to take. It will eventually destroy your health.

A great book to help you understand your husband's behavior is written by Lindy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? It is essential that you consult this book so you can understand the behavioral dynamics of an abusive husband. This will help you understand how to deal with him.

Know that he doesn't care one bit about you when he is in this state - and likely when he is not in this state. You can't have a marriage where it's all about him for you, and it's also all about him for him. You won't survive it with your health intact.

If you'd like help to walk you through this, please post the information surrounding the paragraph I pasted above at marriagebuilders.com. It's a site that's supervised by a marriage counselor - one of the best in the country - and it will give you good advice.

Endeavourer · Mar 13, 2020

tturt said:
Also, husbands love your wives and wives Respect your husbands (Eph 5:33). How would your husband define you giving him respect?

Forgive - if needed everyday

tturt said:
Asking God what changes you need to make.

This advice is unsafe for a woman who is in an abusive marriage. Never submit to abuse. The Bible does not require a wife to "respect" or submit to brutish or angry behavior.

Rather, various Proverbs advise you to flee from an angry man, and the Bible paints the wicked (which her husband's behavior certainly is) to be living a path that a believer is not to follow (Psalm 10):

Proverbs 22:
10Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; yea, strife and reproach shall cease.
also,
24Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go:
25Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.

Proverbs 29:
9If a wise man contendeth with a foolish man, whether he rage or laugh, there is no rest.

Proverbs 12:
13The wicked is snared by the transgression of his lips: but the just shall come out of trouble.
14A man shall be satisfied with good by the fruit of his mouth: and the recompence of a man's hands shall be rendered unto him.
15The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.
16A fool's wrath is presently known: but a prudent man covereth shame.
17He that speaketh truth sheweth forth righteousness: but a false witness deceit.

Psalm 10:
1Why standest thou afar off, O LORD? why hidest thou thyself in times of trouble?
2The wicked in his pride doth persecute the poor: let them be taken in the devices that they have imagined.
3For the wicked boasteth of his heart's desire, and blesseth the covetous, whom the LORD abhorreth.
4The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek after God: God is not in all his thoughts.
5His ways are always grievous; thy judgments are far above out of his sight: as for all his enemies, he puffeth at them.
6He hath said in his heart, I shall not be moved: for I shall never be in adversity.
7His mouth is full of cursing and deceit and fraud: under his tongue is mischief and vanity.
8He sitteth in the lurking places of the villages: in the secret places doth he murder the innocent: his eyes are privily set against the poor.
9He lieth in wait secretly as a lion in his den: he lieth in wait to catch the poor: he doth catch the poor, when he draweth him into his net.
10He croucheth, and humbleth himself, that the poor may fall by his strong ones.
11He hath said in his heart, God hath forgotten: he hideth his face; he will never see it.
12Arise, O LORD; O God, lift up thine hand: forget not the humble.
13Wherefore doth the wicked contemn God? he hath said in his heart, Thou wilt not require it.
14Thou hast seen it; for thou beholdest mischief and spite, to requite it with thy hand: the poor committeth himself unto thee; thou art the helper of the fatherless.
15Break thou the arm of the wicked and the evil man: seek out his wickedness till thou find none.
16The LORD is King for ever and ever: the heathen are perished out of his land.
17LORD, thou hast heard the desire of the humble: thou wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear:
18To judge the fatherless and the oppressed, that the man of the earth may no more oppress.

tturt said:
Includes "What a man really needs"

She is not in a position to worry about what a man really needs. Her husband needs to encounter boundaries - that's what he needs. It is a very dangerous thing for a wife to try to meet her husband's needs when he is abusive in this manner.

tturt said:
All teachings are Biblically based.

There are many verses which speak to relationships and ways to deal with anger and wickedness. Unfortunately, many people perceive that the marriage verses are almost a stand alone Bible, disconnected from all other Biblical concepts. Many of us have filters framing out view of marriage with this disconnection without even realizing it. ALL of the Bible is Biblical for marriages, and for every aspect of your life.

There are no Proverbs about dealing with angry and wicked behaviors that have a caveat stating "unless he is your husband".

Brenda Blakely · Mar 16, 2020

Please get help. If he won’t go then you go, please. Here are some numbers to call for resources. It is obvious that you are not both on the same page on some issues and are having a difficult time getting on the same page. Relationships and especially a marriage relationship, which is so intimate, can be a challenge to keep on course. I do know that for me and my husband of 57 years we still have to do check ups. We still have to remember to put our armor on, pray together and study and learn from God’s word so that we are on the same page. It is “back up to punt” a great deal of the time. We still have misunderstanding but “love covers a multitude of sins.” His anger is destructive and must be dealt with for the sake of all of your family. My husband tends to get very angry when he is frustrated and often things that I don’t understand make him very frustrated. I can’t change him and I can’t control his anger. But I can seek God on how to handle it.
Bottom line is we both value our relationship. We both want to make it work and realize that often we have to put our own needs and ideas aside in order to come to resolution. We realize that we must talk and we must listen with ears that haven’t already decided what the other will say. We must have God as the head of our household. I must honor my husband as our spiritual leader and he must respect me and love me as Christ loved the church. We can only do this with God’s help.
I am praying for you and your family. God bless you. Father give each of them a willing spirit and protect this child. Amen.

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I don't know what to, husband doesn't want to get help.

swill314

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faroukfarouk

Fading curmudgeon

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Aussie Pete

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OldWiseGuy

Wake me when it's soup.

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tturt

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Tolworth John

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Endeavourer

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Endeavourer

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Brenda Blakely

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