I just need insight

Cristo · Jun 29, 2019

I've been married for years now, My wife and I worked really hard to which we posses. I discovered she had been having an affair, she is pregnant. I'm just shattered as a person as to how does one handle this. My friends who have had divorces pretty much lost everything, I work too hard to just give away recourses. I have avoided her since and Im trying to keep composure. I wouldn't want her to get an abortion but knowing her she won't give up for adoption. Im trying to forgive but im lost in how to even proceed.

Curtis.Hilliker · Jun 29, 2019

Cristo said:
I've been married for years now, My wife and I worked really hard to which we posses. I discovered she had been having an affair, she is pregnant. I'm just shattered as a person as to how does one handle this. My friends who have had divorces pretty much lost everything, I work too hard to just give away recourses. I have avoided her since and Im trying to keep composure. I wouldn't want her to get an abortion but knowing her she won't give up for adoption. Im trying to forgive but im lost in how to even proceed.

Praying for you :prayer:

~Anastasia~ · Jun 29, 2019

Cristo said:
I've been married for years now, My wife and I worked really hard to which we posses. I discovered she had been having an affair, she is pregnant. I'm just shattered as a person as to how does one handle this. My friends who have had divorces pretty much lost everything, I work too hard to just give away recourses. I have avoided her since and Im trying to keep composure. I wouldn't want her to get an abortion but knowing her she won't give up for adoption. Im trying to forgive but im lost in how to even proceed.

Prayers.

I think the material possessions are the least of your worries.

Forgiveness is of course the ideal. But the fact that a child is involved means there is a reminder. Also though if you did reconcile and she does keep the child it's that much more important that you truly forgive, since the child should not suffer any consequences. Then again, it's possible the child could be the blessing that makes healing possible ultimately - in a very loving scenario.

This is not an easy thing. Ideally you really need one on one help from a very godly man who can help you through this. And finding such a mentor may not be easy. I would suggest approaching someone in a pastoral role (maybe a number of them) and finding one who can help you forgive and who is committed to godly principles, if that's what you want to do. A more conservative leader like you might be more likely to find in maybe an Orthodox parish, or Catholic maybe(?) might be able to offer the most help.

What does your wife want to do? Part depends on her. She needs help too to move past this and heal, not to mention finding forgiveness. I hope that's what she wants.

I'm very sorry. I'm painting the ideal, and I don't know if that's what you want. One thing I will say is that sometimes, relationships that are broken but then go on to be healed in the right way, in the end are much stronger than they could have been before, kind of like a broken bone healing to be stronger.

You have my prayers.

And welcome to CF.

(Your post may need to be moved to "advice" btw ... I'll turn in a request for you.)

rainingviolets · Jun 29, 2019

I can't even imagine the emotional pain you must be in right now. I have experienced betrayal by very close friends and found that devastating, but this level of shattered trust and betrayal is beyond anything words can express. Please know that many people here will be praying for the healing of your broken heart and for guidance so that you will know how to proceed in the days ahead. Sometimes when I am in so much emotional hurt that I can't seem to get my own prayers out or they seem to be bouncing off the ceiling, it is reassuring that I have wonderful Christian friends taking over the job for me. Please rest knowing that there are people here interceding for you during this time you are deeply suffering.

Deborah D · Jun 29, 2019

Cristo said:
I've been married for years now, My wife and I worked really hard to which we posses. I discovered she had been having an affair, she is pregnant. I'm just shattered as a person as to how does one handle this. My friends who have had divorces pretty much lost everything, I work too hard to just give away recourses. I have avoided her since and Im trying to keep composure. I wouldn't want her to get an abortion but knowing her she won't give up for adoption. Im trying to forgive but im lost in how to even proceed.

Hi, Cristo, welcome to the forum!

My heart goes out to you! This is a tough situation and a painful one. I pray that God will soothe your heart and give you clear guidance.

I agree with Anatasia that the ideal situation would be reconciliation with your wife. I pray that you will find God's grace to forgive her and that the two of you will come back together with renewed love for one another.

As for the baby, I believe that God can give you a special love for the little one, and I pray that if you and your wife reconcile, this will be the case.

You may want to post a prayer on the prayer wall. Here's a link: Prayer Wall

There are some strong prayer warriors who will pray for you and your wife. I will continue to pray!

God Bless!
Deborah

Cristo · Jun 30, 2019

~Anastasia~ said:
Prayers.

I think the material possessions are the least of your worries.

Forgiveness is of course the ideal. But the fact that a child is involved means there is a reminder. Also though if you did reconcile and she does keep the child it's that much more important that you truly forgive, since the child should not suffer any consequences. Then again, it's possible the child could be the blessing that makes healing possible ultimately - in a very loving scenario.

This is not an easy thing. Ideally you really need one on one help from a very godly man who can help you through this. And finding such a mentor may not be easy. I would suggest approaching someone in a pastoral role (maybe a number of them) and finding one who can help you forgive and who is committed to godly principles, if that's what you want to do. A more conservative leader like you might be more likely to find in maybe an Orthodox parish, or Catholic maybe(?) might be able to offer the most help.

What does your wife want to do? Part depends on her. She needs help too to move past this and heal, not to mention finding forgiveness. I hope that's what she wants.

I'm very sorry. I'm painting the ideal, and I don't know if that's what you want. One thing I will say is that sometimes, relationships that are broken but then go on to be healed in the right way, in the end are much stronger than they could have been before, kind of like a broken bone healing to be stronger.

You have my prayers.

And welcome to CF.

(Your post may need to be moved to "advice" btw ... I'll turn in a request for you.)

I want to, It's just hard.

~Anastasia~ said:
Prayers.

I think the material possessions are the least of your worries.

Forgiveness is of course the ideal. But the fact that a child is involved means there is a reminder. Also though if you did reconcile and she does keep the child it's that much more important that you truly forgive, since the child should not suffer any consequences. Then again, it's possible the child could be the blessing that makes healing possible ultimately - in a very loving scenario.

This is not an easy thing. Ideally you really need one on one help from a very godly man who can help you through this. And finding such a mentor may not be easy. I would suggest approaching someone in a pastoral role (maybe a number of them) and finding one who can help you forgive and who is committed to godly principles, if that's what you want to do. A more conservative leader like you might be more likely to find in maybe an Orthodox parish, or Catholic maybe(?) might be able to offer the most help.

What does your wife want to do? Part depends on her. She needs help too to move past this and heal, not to mention finding forgiveness. I hope that's what she wants.

I'm very sorry. I'm painting the ideal, and I don't know if that's what you want. One thing I will say is that sometimes, relationships that are broken but then go on to be healed in the right way, in the end are much stronger than they could have been before, kind of like a broken bone healing to be stronger.

You have my prayers.

And welcome to CF.

(Your post may need to be moved to "advice" btw ... I'll turn in a request for you.)

The baby isn't the problem to me, it's just the lying. It is what I want but just not now,

~Anastasia~ · Jun 30, 2019

Cristo said:
I want to, It's just hard.

The baby isn't the problem to me, it's just the lying. It is what I want but just not now,

I do understand that it is very hard. We can decide to forgive, but that isn't going to automatically change our feelings. Sometimes when people hurt us very badly - and betrayal by someone we love is a very great wound - we have to grieve and take time to heal the wound.

It starts as a decision. You say you want to. That's really the best you can do at first. It is a foundation. God knows we can't turn this off and on like a water faucet, and he doesn't expect us to.

I really think a person almost certainly needs help as well as time to work through the feelings - kind of like getting back to where they feel like they can draw in a breath again after being kicked in the stomach.

Your wife is an important part of the equation too. She has to cooperate in the process if your marriage can be saved. You can (and must) forgive her even if she doesn't (and that is going to require time and God's help). But to recover the marriage, she will need to cooperate too.

I admire your courage in being able to face the situation and ask for help. And greatly admire that you want to forgive her. You've worked up to that part already. It's an important step. Prayers for you. And I do hope you find a good godly man (or men) to help you in the process.

Joy · Jun 30, 2019

MOD HAT ON

This Thread has Moved
From Introduce Yourself
To Christian Advice

MOD HAT OFF

Andrew77 · Jun 30, 2019

Cristo said:
I've been married for years now, My wife and I worked really hard to which we posses. I discovered she had been having an affair, she is pregnant. I'm just shattered as a person as to how does one handle this. My friends who have had divorces pretty much lost everything, I work too hard to just give away recourses. I have avoided her since and Im trying to keep composure. I wouldn't want her to get an abortion but knowing her she won't give up for adoption. Im trying to forgive but im lost in how to even proceed.

Well here's the deal... if you intend to keep this going, then you need to understand that if you forgive this woman, then you can never bring it up ever again, for the rest of your life.

If every time you have an argument, you are saying "yeah well you had an affair!", then you haven't forgiven, and you are just torturing her. That's wrong.

You can't do that.

I gotta be honest with you... my wife starts screwing other men and gets pregnant, I'd divorce. Just being honest. I'll move on and find a woman that wants me. Obviously this one didn't, and I'll let her go find whatever guy she really wants. I'm moving on.

But... if you are a better man than me, and you want to give it a shot... ok. Go for it. To me, if she can do it once, and lie constantly to my face.... then I think she'll do it again.

The only thing I would advise you to do is.. examine yourself. Many times, it takes two to tango. Usually when one person runs off to get their sexual/relational needs met by another person, it's because they were not getting met at home. Not always the case, but examine how this happened, and what led to this person finding their needs met elsewhere. Maybe you did the best you could, and she just did this on her own. But if there is some part that was on you, own it, learn from it, and don't repeat it again.

Cristo · Jun 30, 2019

Andrew77 said:
Well here's the deal... if you intend to keep this going, then you need to understand that if you forgive this woman, then you can never bring it up ever again, for the rest of your life.

If every time you have an argument, you are saying "yeah well you had an affair!", then you haven't forgiven, and you are just torturing her. That's wrong.

You can't do that.

I gotta be honest with you... my wife starts screwing other men and gets pregnant, I'd divorce. Just being honest. I'll move on and find a woman that wants me. Obviously this one didn't, and I'll let her go find whatever guy she really wants. I'm moving on.

But... if you are a better man than me, and you want to give it a shot... ok. Go for it. To me, if she can do it once, and lie constantly to my face.... then I think she'll do it again.

The only thing I would advise you to do is.. examine yourself. Many times, it takes two to tango. Usually when one person runs off to get their sexual/relational needs met by another person, it's because they were not getting met at home. Not always the case, but examine how this happened, and what led to this person finding their needs met elsewhere. Maybe you did the best you could, and she just did this on her own. But if there is some part that was on you, own it, learn from it, and don't repeat it again.

I talked to her today. I knew what it was but its a problem she knew about and said she didn't care. basically I can't have kids. everything is fine but I'm shooting blanks. I don't like to talk about it because honestly I'm trying to not kill myself and be reminded that I will never have a child

Cristo · Jun 30, 2019

Andrew77 said:
Well here's the deal... if you intend to keep this going, then you need to understand that if you forgive this woman, then you can never bring it up ever again, for the rest of your life.

If every time you have an argument, you are saying "yeah well you had an affair!", then you haven't forgiven, and you are just torturing her. That's wrong.

You can't do that.

I gotta be honest with you... my wife starts screwing other men and gets pregnant, I'd divorce. Just being honest. I'll move on and find a woman that wants me. Obviously this one didn't, and I'll let her go find whatever guy she really wants. I'm moving on.

But... if you are a better man than me, and you want to give it a shot... ok. Go for it. To me, if she can do it once, and lie constantly to my face.... then I think she'll do it again.

Cristo · Jun 30, 2019

~Anastasia~ said:
I do understand that it is very hard. We can decide to forgive, but that isn't going to automatically change our feelings. Sometimes when people hurt us very badly - and betrayal by someone we love is a very great wound - we have to grieve and take time to heal the wound.

It starts as a decision. You say you want to. That's really the best you can do at first. It is a foundation. God knows we can't turn this off and on like a water faucet, and he doesn't expect us to.

I really think a person almost certainly needs help as well as time to work through the feelings - kind of like getting back to where they feel like they can draw in a breath again after being kicked in the stomach.

Your wife is an important part of the equation too. She has to cooperate in the process if your marriage can be saved. You can (and must) forgive her even if she doesn't (and that is going to require time and God's help). But to recover the marriage, she will need to cooperate too.

I admire your courage in being able to face the situation and ask for help. And greatly admire that you want to forgive her. You've worked up to that part already. It's an important step. Prayers for you. And I do hope you find a good godly man (or men) to help you in the process.

somewhat knew what the problem was. I can't have kids, I'm shooting blanks. But she said she didn't mind. I can't fix that. I talked to her and she said she was desperate to have kids but didn't say so. I'm already suicidal just from that fact alone now I have to live with the fact itself...

Andrew77 · Jun 30, 2019

Cristo said:
somewhat knew what the problem was. I can't have kids, I'm shooting blanks. But she said she didn't mind. I can't fix that. I talked to her and she said she was desperate to have kids but didn't say so. I'm already suicidal just from that fact alone now I have to live with the fact itself...

If you are already suicidal without this, then you have bigger problems than we can help with on a forum like this. You need to see some professionals for help sir.

~Anastasia~ · Jul 1, 2019

Cristo said:
somewhat knew what the problem was. I can't have kids, I'm shooting blanks. But she said she didn't mind. I can't fix that. I talked to her and she said she was desperate to have kids but didn't say so. I'm already suicidal just from that fact alone now I have to live with the fact itself...

Prayers for you.

Please do talk to someone. We are here to help you in any way talk through this, give suggestions from a (hopefully!) Christian point of view, and pray for you. But sometimes we need to be able to talk to someone who can help us in the moment with how we are feeling.

Here's a link to crisis lines you can call at any time Crisis Hotlines & Resources

And as I said before, I hope you'll seek out pastoral help too, because we can benefit from guidance while healing from such a terrible blow.

If you and your wife decide to work on your marriage, she needs to face the fact that there are other ways to become pregnant or otherwise become a parent that don't involve adultery.

Continued prayers for you.

Sketcher · Jul 1, 2019

Is the baby yours? Or is there no possible way that the baby is yours? Even if you're shooting blanks, there's an outside chance that enough got through to get her pregnant.

Joined2krist · Jul 1, 2019

Can you step away from it all and give yourself a few days break? there are times when I shut everything away, go to a silent place and just speak with God, He always gives me a different perspective to things, I feel a lot better afterwards and I often find solutions to very difficult problems by doing this

Take a break, go to a Church or any quiet place away from home where you can think things through. This is obviously very hard to deal with but God can help, we'll be praying for you, God bless

DLovingBrother · Jul 2, 2019

This will pass, Cristo, but you need to keep focused on the Lord. Only He can lead you through the darkness. Do not harm yourself in any way. That will not help. Imagine the hardships some of the characters in the Bible went through. There are people who went through harder circumstances and they found a new life, some even reconciliation with their spouse. I will pray for you, and for her, and for wisdom for everyone.

lastofall · Jul 2, 2019

Luke 12:15 Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.
Matthew 5:7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Luke 6:36-37 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.
Matthew 6:14-15 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 16:26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?

Hazelelponi · Jul 2, 2019

I will pray for you... that God both guides and strengthens you for the right choice for both you and this child.

Cristo · Jul 3, 2019

~Anastasia~ said:
Prayers for you.

Please do talk to someone. We are here to help you in any way talk through this, give suggestions from a (hopefully!) Christian point of view, and pray for you. But sometimes we need to be able to talk to someone who can help us in the moment with how we are feeling.

Here's a link to crisis lines you can call at any time Crisis Hotlines & Resources

And as I said before, I hope you'll seek out pastoral help too, because we can benefit from guidance while healing from such a terrible blow.

If you and your wife decide to work on your marriage, she needs to face the fact that there are other ways to become pregnant or otherwise become a parent that don't involve adultery.

Continued prayers for you.

Im sure she knows theres other ways. I'm trying to think of this as a gift from God but it feels more like betrayal. I don't know what to think of this.

I just need insight

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