What would you do?

Your friend will resent you, but if he's cool then he won't make a big deal out of it. I personally wouldn't go through with this though because theres so many other women out there that why even bother risking losing potentially two friendships which is possible if you go out with her and then break up with her. Plus you have to work with both of them. Another reason is since she just came out of a long term relationship shes going to be pretty vulnerable. Nothing about this screams green light is all i can say.

Fenwick said:

So I'm in an interesting situation:

I have a crush on a girl at work. We've worked together for over a year, and over that time we've become friends. She just got out of a three-year relationship a few weeks ago and the kicker is her ex is both a coworker of ours, and a friend of mine.

It's a tricky situation to navigate, because I'm definitely not the kind of guy to "swoop in" on anyone—I like and respect both of them too much for that and I think that's boorish behavior to boot.

Nevertheless she and I have been talking a lot the past week or so and just having these compelling conversations throughout he course of an afternoon at work, and we've talked about getting Indian food for dinner this Friday to celebrate the end of a gnarly week. We have a lot in common and all that, but I definitely don't want to get in the way of the healing process—which after a three year relationship might be a while.

That being said, there could also be the possibility that she'd be available sooner than I expect because maybe the prior relationship was deteriorating and she had begun to move on before they actually split. I don't know, I can't say for sure.

If you guys were in my shoes, how would you go about this (if at all)? Or would I be too much of a scumbag to pursue this?

Thanks in advance.

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There are millions and millions of other girls out there, why not look further than your workplace?

If you were anyone else I'd say "no, you can't do that, you must leave her alone!" but I know you'll be able to actually READ a situation as it progresses, and make informed decisions with the correct organ at each stage of the development of this (whatever you want to call it, friendship for now?)

Be prepared that things may go bit awry if she is still in the process of moving on, but for now, I'd just live in the moment and enjoy spending time with her. Just don't get too close at this stage and keep the possibly of the "crap" hitting the fan down the line. (It might not, but you'll know better in time.)


Basically, if she's giving you all of the cliche love signs in a couple of months time then pull the trigger. Usually you wouldn't want to wait for too long, but in this circumstance, you kind of need to.

First, I would say each of your friends can speak for himself and herself, about how each one sees things. Each is unique, not to be evaluated by a one-size-fits-all idea, in my opinion.

If they both are really respectable, I do not see how their relationship would have deteriorated. Because in God's love we grow and do better with others who are growing in Jesus, including >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

"swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (in James 1:19-20)

"Do all things without complaining and disputing" (in Philippians 2:13-16)

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

These are some scriptures about the basics of how to relate in God's love. No person or couple is excused from always relating like this in love.

So, if they are functioning as Christians, God has simply had them outgrow how they were sharing so they can get into much better. And their relating, then, has grown and improved because of this.

On the other hand, in case it was a breakup because they are not able to relate well, and better and better, this can mean both of them are not suitable to get into a close relationship until they get with God the way they need to. In such a case, you do not need to move into yoking yourself with someone who needs major correction.

Plus, if they have good communication and are all-loving and are obeying how God wants them to move on, they can let you know she is available. They both can freely let you know, if they find you to be suitable to be the one for her to consider.

Also, in case it is a temporary problem but they have been growing in how God corrects all of us, they need time to pray and get with God better so they can get back with each other and continue, in which case it would not be good for you to move in, to say the least.

But my observation is there are various people who do not belong with each other, in the first place, but they have gotten together without making sure with God, and they are only or mainly possessing each other for what they want. And Jesus is very clear > "if you love those who love you, what reward have you?" (in Matthew 5:46) His all-loving love does not have us picking and choosing who we want to use for what we want, and just to make us feel good. So, if their relating is growing in how Jesus has us loving any and all people, they now will grow on to help one another to love any and all others as themselves, whether this brings them back into close relating or not.

But if they have been mainly about only one another and a few favorite friends . . . we need to share with people who are helping us get really into God's way of loving any and all people.

I'm not sure if I've written clearly enough for you. But, in any case, I would say pray and make sure with God. And in case you can't do this, trust God to have you become able to make sure about things, with Him. And God bless you to, like we all need to do more.

Given the potential downside - including that they might get back together at some point - I would give this a couple of layers of extra caution. Go forward if you think it's right, but be very circumspect and careful.

It's a short window to enter a new relationship. Add in the presence of the ex and the workplace and it's iffy at best. Being mentally okay with something and being emotionally fine doesn't always line up. Turn the question around instead. Will you be okay if things don't work out and she returns to him? You need to consider all angles. Make sure you can live with the choice. Good luck.

A few thoughts:

- You know her better than we do.

- If the other guy is your boss, that might complicate things.

- Their "three year relationship" may have been dying for the last two years, for all we know. Length of a relationship doesn't necessarily say much about how strong it was before the breakup.



If the chemistry is strong enough, I'd to for it. You can still take things slowly when you do. Not wanting to feel like a scumbag is understandable, but how will you feel when she starts dating somebody new?

Then again, if it's really just a friendship, I wouldn't want to ruin that.

Fenwick said:

So I'm in an interesting situation:

I have a crush on a girl at work. We've worked together for over a year, and over that time we've become friends. She just got out of a three-year relationship a few weeks ago and the kicker is her ex is both a coworker of ours, and a friend of mine.

It's a tricky situation to navigate, because I'm definitely not the kind of guy to "swoop in" on anyone—I like and respect both of them too much for that and I think that's boorish behavior to boot.

Nevertheless she and I have been talking a lot the past week or so and just having these compelling conversations throughout he course of an afternoon at work, and we've talked about getting Indian food for dinner this Friday to celebrate the end of a gnarly week. We have a lot in common and all that, but I definitely don't want to get in the way of the healing process—which after a three year relationship might be a while.

That being said, there could also be the possibility that she'd be available sooner than I expect because maybe the prior relationship was deteriorating and she had begun to move on before they actually split. I don't know, I can't say for sure.

If you guys were in my shoes, how would you go about this (if at all)? Or would I be too much of a scumbag to pursue this?

Thanks in advance.

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It is weird to hear people use "crush," it reminds me of middle school. But, I get what you mean man.

I personally would avoid her (to an appropriate extent) after all that you wrote, especially if she just "broke up" with your friend. People who easily "date" after something like that doesn't register with me. I would be personally uncomfortable about it all.

You wouldn't be a scumbag, but it is very possible you could be the rebound guy, and no one wants to be the rebound guy. Also, things probably will get awkward with her ex, but that's mostly up to him. I would give it time to avoid the rebound situation, but that would be my only concern here.

I'd go for it if I were in those shoes. Doesn't sound like the guy is one of your best buds... so imo it's really not his business nor his "say" who you should or shouldn't date in regards to his ex's. That sort of code is reserved for very close friends imo. He's a grown adult male and should be able to be mature over these things... and if he isn't, that's his problem not yours.

You like her, she seems to like you. I'd wait till it's 100% clear she'd say yes to a date, or have one of those situations where hanging out becomes a date... whatever you think is good and natural. That way by waiting you avoid any unecessary potential drama that could come up.

To add to the last part, yeah, he might not be cool with it... I don't know him so it's a possibility in my mind, as 3 years is a long time to be with someone. But again, frankly it's not his business... and so I don't feel you should cater to immaturity but instead pursue what you want. But that's up to you if you feel whatever potential drama/headache that might ensue is worth it.

I'll also add that she could be healed by it already. Their relationship could have fizzled out long ago and thus her heart wasn't there for some time. She's likely not going to put off dating... most people don't wait too long to get back into it. But I feel if you gauge her interest and her reasons for being interested in you, you should be able to make a wise choice.

You like her, so aslong as these sort of things line up, I'd shoot for the moon man.

Miles said:

A few thoughts:

- You know her better than we do.

- If the other guy is your boss, that might complicate things.

- Their "three year relationship" may have been dying for the last two years, for all we know. Length of a relationship doesn't necessarily say much about how strong it was before the breakup.



If the chemistry is strong enough, I'd to for it. You can still take things slowly when you do. Not wanting to feel like a scumbag is understandable, but how will you feel when she starts dating somebody new?

Then again, if it's really just a friendship, I wouldn't want to ruin that.

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I like this answer best, and especially agree with the bolded parts.

Tough call. I try to avoid romantic relationships at work, but it sounds like things are different in your line of work. The fact that her ex works there also adds an extra layer of complexity.

Personally, I would give it more time after her break-up, and possibly avoid a relationship altogether due to the drama that could ensue, but that's just me. At the end of the day, if you think it's worth it and that it's within God's will, then it's obviously your call to make. I would give some thought to the quotes below - I think these are some good things to consider.

SleepingAtLast said:

You wouldn't be a scumbag, but it is very possible you could be the rebound guy, and no one wants to be the rebound guy. Also, things probably will get awkward with her ex, but that's mostly up to him. I would give it time to avoid the rebound situation, but that would be my only concern here.

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LaBèlla said:

It's a short window to enter a new relationship. Add in the presence of the ex and the workplace and it's iffy at best. Being mentally okay with something and being emotionally fine doesn't always line up. Turn the question around instead. Will you be okay if things don't work out and she returns to him? You need to consider all angles. Make sure you can live with the choice. Good luck.

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Fenwick said:

Thanks for the input everybody, I appreciate it.

I think it might be best if I just focus on friendship for now, give her the space and time to mend and mourn, and also allow for the possibility that they might reconcile (it doesn't seem like they would, but I don't want to rule it out either). If it comes along naturally then, great. If not, well, that's okay too.

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Yeah I agree, I think the best thing you could do right now would be to wait it out. The longer you wait the more information you can get to make a better decision here. Also if this guy isn't really a close friend then its not a big deal as was stated earlier.

She's a co-worker. He's a friend AND a co-worker. Three good reasons to not pursue something.

Fenwick said:

Yeah I'm weighing that right now. Starting in a week or so I won't be working around her ex at all, which would kind of separate the situation in a way.

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You don't know how that's going to ebb and flow over time, though.

Yeah, really. Haven't you heard the old saying to not mix business with pleasure. It's not a good idea.

Everybody gotta eat! Soooo pick up the possibility of Indian food again. Just mention it and if she is game then tell her you are too! Keep it light. You're not in a relationship with her yet. So no harm no foul. You go out to eat, you learn a little bit more about her and she about you, and then you assess. I'm a person who believes when people are back to their single status, they are now free to spend time with whomever they want and that should be respected. If and when the two of you decide to be in a relationship, then the two of you can decide how you want to share that info with the ex or anybody for that matter. In the meantime EAT!

Dont poo where you eat.
Its as simple as that.