Alone with no hope in sight

honestly.. im more alone than you speak of.... actually almost all of the things you say here ive been through or am currently in... so i can share experiences with you.. and im glad to hear that you have forgiven her.. that freakin HUGE!!!!! and thats also about the only time i would think of my ex too when someone else would ask me about it or i felt it necessary to explain... im going to private message you... because these things are kinda personal sometimes and i seen the exact thing that you was saying how to suck it up but your saying hey im alone here help because its just not that easy....

NW82 said:

I'm looking for advice about how to accept being alone for the rest of my life. Is there a way to let go and ignore the pain? My ex-wife cheated on me and asked for a divorce between Christmas and New Year in 2009...that's 6 and a half years. I got told it was just a season, but 6+ years isn't a season. I'm 35, I have a good job, but the friends I do have do not live nearby (a couple hundred miles at the closest) and my nearest family is a 600 miles away. I basically work, and do nothing else. I've tried going to churches but even the best one I had been a part of ended up being fake people and more concerned with title than Christ. I honestly want to just give up and stop everything. I often wonder if God hates me, but then I have to go back to His word that says he doesn't; but if that's true then why do I have to suffer through loneliness for so long...what did I do?

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Hello and God bless you my friend

I can relate to a feeling of loneliness. As we get older and things change it gets harder to find new people or keep the old ones.

The decisions and choices we make lead to the future we have. Sometimes outside influences/forces impede and lead to unwanted outcomes.

I find it harder to have the enthusiasm to meet new ppl myself and desire more to be at home, and preferably at home with company.

I think its important as we get older to try make an effort or else the social part of our lives diminishes.

Obviously God wants the best for His sheep and He will send us opportunities and hope. Things sometimes take time. Dont lament my friend - easy said than done.

Have you considered trying another church. Church hop and find familar ppl.

1 day a week, being around ppl and to praise God - 2 birds with 1 stone.

You dont have to hang with these ppl all the time but being apart of a community will make you feel better. Find a large church that you feel comfortable with and agree with. We need fellowship.

You seem to want companionship more than anything. There are many christian ladies to meet, in many churches my friend.

You are free to re marry due to your unfortunate situation with your ex wife ie cheating.

Lift your head high my brother. You have faith and love for God. Have hope that God will listen to you and help you in your hour of need. Then go out with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and find a companion.

NW82 said:

I'm looking for advice about how to accept being alone for the rest of my life. Is there a way to let go and ignore the pain? My ex-wife cheated on me and asked for a divorce between Christmas and New Year in 2009...that's 6 and a half years. I got told it was just a season, but 6+ years isn't a season. I'm 35, I have a good job, but the friends I do have do not live nearby (a couple hundred miles at the closest) and my nearest family is a 600 miles away. I basically work, and do nothing else. I've tried going to churches but even the best one I had been a part of ended up being fake people and more concerned with title than Christ. I honestly want to just give up and stop everything. I often wonder if God hates me, but then I have to go back to His word that says he doesn't; but if that's true then why do I have to suffer through loneliness for so long...what did I do?

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I'm alone like you, but I'm not lonely or unhappy, and I hope I can help you find your joy as well.

First off, why are you so far from your family? I only see family at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I do see them and it makes a big difference. We also keep in close touch over the phone, so that I always know they love me.

When you say all the churches you have been to over the last six years are fake churches, I feel suspicious. It makes me think that your standards are too high, that you are not willing to let the people in churches be real people. Remember that churches are hospitals for sinners, not museums for perfect people. And I'm sure that there were denominations you didn't even try, too! All I'm saying is don't be so picky. Maybe you aren't the cat's meow either?

I divorced when I was 31, and I am now 56. I'm so set in my ways that I don't think I would even make a good wife anymore. I'm just assuming that I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life. It's not a cake walk.

But you know what? Marriage was not a cake walk either. I've basically traded one set of problems for another. I have my job, my church, my kids to worry about, my volunteer work, my hobbies, and my kitty. Every day when the sun comes up, I say a prayer of thanks to God that for the sunlight, the birds singing, and the cat lying all over my legs. LOL

Now, you are still quite young, and the odds are very good that you WILL find another. So for you we are just talking about enjoying your "stages" in life, wherever you happen to be.

Are you an extrovert? If so, it means being away from friends is deadly. Either you need to make new friends, or you need to move back where your old friends are and take a different job. If you ARE an extrovert, making new friends shouldn't be that big of a problem. How long have you lived at your present residence?

To improve your mood, may I make a couple suggestions that have really worked for me?
1. Develop an attitude of gratitude. Pray every day, thanking the Lord for everything he has given you, including all the small stuff. For example, in jail folks don't get pillows. It's awful trying to sleep without a pillow. Aren't you glad that you have a pillow at night?

2. Find someone worse off than yourself to help. Go work at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen for a couple hours on the weekend. You'll feel good about helping, good about yourself, and you'll be surprised how it will change your attitude about your own life.

3. Develop a support network. Call family if you can't be with them. Find a church, even if it's not perfect. Make new friends. Take a class in the evening to meet new people. Join a bowling league or something similar.

This time alone is an OPPORTUNITY for you to work on yourself. Take advantage of it. You don't need a mate to have a rich and fulfilling life -- find that out for yourself. Then, once you have decided you really like being with yourself, and that life is good, THEN you are ready to meet the next special someone.

Open Heart said:

I'm alone like you, but I'm not lonely or unhappy, and I hope I can help you find your joy as well.

First off, why are you so far from your family? I only see family at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I do see them and it makes a big difference. We also keep in close touch over the phone, so that I always know they love me.

When you say all the churches you have been to over the last six years are fake churches, I feel suspicious. It makes me think that your standards are too high, that you are not willing to let the people in churches be real people. Remember that churches are hospitals for sinners, not museums for perfect people. And I'm sure that there were denominations you didn't even try, too! All I'm saying is don't be so picky. Maybe you aren't the cat's meow either?

I divorced when I was 31, and I am now 56. I'm so set in my ways that I don't think I would even make a good wife anymore. I'm just assuming that I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life. It's not a cake walk.

But you know what? Marriage was not a cake walk either. I've basically traded one set of problems for another. I have my job, my church, my kids to worry about, my volunteer work, my hobbies, and my kitty. Every day when the sun comes up, I say a prayer of thanks to God that for the sunlight, the birds singing, and the cat lying all over my legs. LOL

Now, you are still quite young, and the odds are very good that you WILL find another. So for you we are just talking about enjoying your "stages" in life, wherever you happen to be.

Are you an extrovert? If so, it means being away from friends is deadly. Either you need to make new friends, or you need to move back where your old friends are and take a different job. If you ARE an extrovert, making new friends shouldn't be that big of a problem. How long have you lived at your present residence?

To improve your mood, may I make a couple suggestions that have really worked for me?
1. Develop an attitude of gratitude. Pray every day, thanking the Lord for everything he has given you, including all the small stuff. For example, in jail folks don't get pillows. It's awful trying to sleep without a pillow. Aren't you glad that you have a pillow at night?

2. Find someone worse off than yourself to help. Go work at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen for a couple hours on the weekend. You'll feel good about helping, good about yourself, and you'll be surprised how it will change your attitude about your own life.

3. Develop a support network. Call family if you can't be with them. Find a church, even if it's not perfect. Make new friends. Take a class in the evening to meet new people. Join a bowling league or something similar.

This time alone is an OPPORTUNITY for you to work on yourself. Take advantage of it. You don't need a mate to have a rich and fulfilling life -- find that out for yourself. Then, once you have decided you really like being with yourself, and that life is good, THEN you are ready to meet the next special someone.

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Good point that this can be taken as an opportunity. Yes it is not always the way we would have God work in our lives and waiting is not what we want, but when we are waiting we can devote time to God and work on ourselves. Good thoughts.

I know how you feel. It hurts so much when you feel like there's no hope.

NW82 said:

God may love everyone, but I'm getting to the point where He must not like me very much. I have no purpose, I have no joy, I have nothing. Before anyone assumes, know this: I was content and happy a month ago. Nothing bothered me. I read and still do read my Bible. I have biblical standards for a church I would attend and nothing I've found follows the biblical model. I can't move, I have friends but they are far away as is my family. I find it sad that I have to cover everything people try to point out. I simply want to know why God favored my twin brother his entire life and I have gotten the crap end. My brother was able to join the military, which is all I wanted when I was younger, but no I HAD to be born with asthma. I've had Legionnaire's Disease, Swine Flu and survived it all; for what purpose? My brother got to fight for his country, while I sat a home because I got turned down every time. My brother has a wife, kids and will carry on our family name...whereas I have nothing and no one. I have no hope because I am unlovable. I work out 6 days a week and it doesn't make me feel better. I can dead-lift almost 500 lbs. I can back squat 405. I have a good career where I am respected and held up as the go to guy. My job supports hundreds of thousands of troops. And I would give it all up just for one thing in my life and God continues to ignore me. All I want to know is why. I ask here because he isn't answering me.

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First of all, please know that my heart goes out to you. Pain of any sort is never easy, and things really aren't fair.

You are asking the wrong questions. God NEVER promised that life was going to be fair. Some people are born into fabulous wealth in Beverly Hills. Some people are born into poverty in Sub-Saharan Africa. Consider that there are millions of people in this world that are far worse off than you. That is not to diminish your pain -- it sounds terribly lonely, and I'm sorry. But sometimes a good dose of reality helps.

The right question to ask is, "How do I respond? Do I get bitter? Or do I get better?" Every moment we suffer is an opportunity to grow, to become wiser. Your life is full of potential -- much more potential than your brother's. Get busy!

In the meantime, be less picky about what church you attend, and go out of your way to make new friends. This way, you'll create a new social support net.

NW82 said:

I'm looking for advice about how to accept being alone for the rest of my life. Is there a way to let go and ignore the pain? My ex-wife cheated on me and asked for a divorce between Christmas and New Year in 2009...that's 6 and a half years. I got told it was just a season, but 6+ years isn't a season. I'm 35, I have a good job, but the friends I do have do not live nearby (a couple hundred miles at the closest) and my nearest family is a 600 miles away. I basically work, and do nothing else. I've tried going to churches but even the best one I had been a part of ended up being fake people and more concerned with title than Christ. I honestly want to just give up and stop everything. I often wonder if God hates me, but then I have to go back to His word that says he doesn't; but if that's true then why do I have to suffer through loneliness for so long...what did I do?

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you mentioned you have a good job, so I assume you owns your own place?

if it is a house, have you thought about getting a dog for the mean time?

if it is a apartment, what about a cat? apparently there are some breeds of cats that can be affectionate.

there are a lot online resources on characteristics of different breeds, so you should be able to find the right breed for you

though bear in mind not all information online are accurate, so it is a good idea to double check several site, and maybe look at the forums for a particular breed to see what owner's experience are like

I say this because I read this blog once where this woman was saying Chow Chow is an affectionate breed, turns out they are actually known to be aloof!

Open Heart said:

First of all, please know that my heart goes out to you. Pain of any sort is never easy, and things really aren't fair.

You are asking the wrong questions. God NEVER promised that life was going to be fair. Some people are born into fabulous wealth in Beverly Hills. Some people are born into poverty in Sub-Saharan Africa. Consider that there are millions of people in this world that are far worse off than you. That is not to diminish your pain -- it sounds terribly lonely, and I'm sorry. But sometimes a good dose of reality helps.

The right question to ask is, "How do I respond? Do I get bitter? Or do I get better?" Every moment we suffer is an opportunity to grow, to become wiser. Your life is full of potential -- much more potential than your brother's. Get busy!

In the meantime, be less picky about what church you attend, and go out of your way to make new friends. This way, you'll create a new social support net.

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he just mentioned he is an introvert?

when you are an introvert, sometimes it just seems like there is no place for you in ANY Church.

so it is not the question of being picky.

NW82 said:

God may love everyone, but I'm getting to the point where He must not like me very much. I have no purpose, I have no joy, I have nothing. Before anyone assumes, know this: I was content and happy a month ago. Nothing bothered me. I read and still do read my Bible. I have biblical standards for a church I would attend and nothing I've found follows the biblical model. I can't move, I have friends but they are far away as is my family. I find it sad that I have to cover everything people try to point out. I simply want to know why God favored my twin brother his entire life and I have gotten the crap end. My brother was able to join the military, which is all I wanted when I was younger, but no I HAD to be born with asthma. I've had Legionnaire's Disease, Swine Flu and survived it all; for what purpose? My brother got to fight for his country, while I sat a home because I got turned down every time. My brother has a wife, kids and will carry on our family name...whereas I have nothing and no one. I have no hope because I am unlovable. I work out 6 days a week and it doesn't make me feel better. I can dead-lift almost 500 lbs. I can back squat 405. I have a good career where I am respected and held up as the go to guy. My job supports hundreds of thousands of troops. And I would give it all up just for one thing in my life and God continues to ignore me. All I want to know is why. I ask here because he isn't answering me.

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Nobody saw Nick Vujicic achieving great things in life...he was born without arms and legs.
People said he'd never have a wife, he'd never have children, never be "somebody" etc.
When he was born nobody acknowledged his birth as being a good thing...his
parents didn't hear any congratulations you have a son.
God made a difference in this man's life...
You can Google his name and find out more about Nick.

TravelerFarAwayFromHome said:

he just mentioned he is an introvert?

when you are an introvert, sometimes it just seems like there is no place for you in ANY Church.

so it is not the question of being picky.

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I'm an introvert's introvert, so I'm completely sympatico with his troubles. Seriously, I read what he says, and my heart goes out to him. I'm just wanting to help his life become better, and that means accepting reality and making plans to better one's self, not getting stuck in our own misery.

When I was addressing his pickiness, I was referring to his "Bible Church" thing. I'm sure there are plenty of other perfectly fine denominational churches in his neck of the woods that he isn't even giving a try because *perhaps* he's unwilling to sit with people who don't agree with his interpretations of scripture.

NW82 said:

He's also a year younger than I am and he already has everything. God clearly blessed his life, not mine.

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What looks to you like a blessing may not be so. What looks to you to be a curse may in fact be a blessing. Things look different to God than they do to us. Remember how things went from great to good to bad to worse to horrendous for Joseph? But each step he thought was down placed him in a unique position to become the right hand man to Pharaoh and save not only all of Egypt from famine, but his own family, and so the line of Israel.

What makes a diamond? First, it has to start out as graphite, a common, vulgar, ugly piece of sedamentary rock. It's not at all beautiful like a piece of, say, quartz. Add pressure, and it becomes coal, still ugly, and only good for burning. You have to put it through the agonies of hell, and only then does it transform into a rare and beautiful diamond. I'm sure the graphite complains as it goes through its trials and tribulations, thinking it is curses, wishing it could be quartz. But then... it wouldn't have the opportunity to become a diamond.

The true treasures are things that are eternal. You have the opportunity to transform your soul. Not everyone is given this opportunity equally. You are lucky.

NW82 said:

God may love everyone, but I'm getting to the point where He must not like me very much. I have no purpose, I have no joy, I have nothing. Before anyone assumes, know this: I was content and happy a month ago. Nothing bothered me. I read and still do read my Bible. I have biblical standards for a church I would attend and nothing I've found follows the biblical model. I can't move, I have friends but they are far away as is my family. I find it sad that I have to cover everything people try to point out. I simply want to know why God favored my twin brother his entire life and I have gotten the crap end. My brother was able to join the military, which is all I wanted when I was younger, but no I HAD to be born with asthma. I've had Legionnaire's Disease, Swine Flu and survived it all; for what purpose? My brother got to fight for his country, while I sat a home because I got turned down every time. My brother has a wife, kids and will carry on our family name...whereas I have nothing and no one. I have no hope because I am unlovable. I work out 6 days a week and it doesn't make me feel better. I can dead-lift almost 500 lbs. I can back squat 405. I have a good career where I am respected and held up as the go to guy. My job supports hundreds of thousands of troops. And I would give it all up just for one thing in my life and God continues to ignore me. All I want to know is why. I ask here because he isn't answering me.

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God's Word says that God works all things for good. Do you believe that?

NW82 said:

This is actually not the actual verse or meaning of that verse. This is a common quote that doesn't cover the actual wording.

Romans 8:28 says, "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose".

There are two pieces to this verse. 1.) Those who love God. 2.) Those who have been called according to his purpose.

You can be #1 and not #2. That's where I feel like I'm at.

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We all have been called by God to His purpose. Those who love God follow His purpose.

NW82 said:

Sorry but 8 years alone, after putting my goals on hold, after supporting my ex though hers, after supporting and raising my step kids like my own, and having it all ripped away for whatever reason she had, she never told me, having survived swine flu, legionaries disease and a number of others, I think I've been through enough, where simply asking God for happiness doesn't seem like it's too much to ask for.

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I understand. Sometimes when it hurts that much, there is nothing we can do except want the pain to stop.

Among a great many other tragedies in my life, I am bipolar. It means I swing between irrational highs where I do stupid stuff that messes up my life just terribly (and then I'm left picking up the pieces while everyone else blames me), and agonizing depressions that are so painful I'd rather be dead than continue suffering. In the in between times, my moods have been so unstable that I've continually lost job after job, destroying every attempt to establish a career, lost beloved friends, worn out the good will of family members, and burned bridges with churches that have tried in good faith to help me. Every time I'd try to build a new life from the ashes, my disease would rise up again to burn it all down.

I remember the time my thoughts were so fast and intrusive that I couldn't sleep. I mean I had not slept for several days. I hadn't eaten either. I believed I was being beset by demons. If by chance I did fall asleep, I would have horrifying nightmares of them chasing and torturing me. In the back of my mind, I had an inkling that I was sick and needed to see my psychiatrist, so I called and said I needed an emergency session.

On the way there I crashed the car, I was so out of it. It just happened that a friend was driving by and saw me. He drove me in. I couldn't stop crying. Literally. My doctor hospitalized me right away.

They examined me, and found my body covered with sores from where I had scratched myself. I spent all my time pacing the floors talking to the voice of Sherlock Holmes in my head -- Sherlock was trying to solve the mystery of why I was losing my mind. They gave me sedatives to help me sleep. I'd sleep for a couple hours, but it was just torture, because I'd just have nightmares about the demons, and just before I'd wake up, the demons would time stamp their time cards and say, "See you again tomorrow."

I felt anxious and depressed and so wound up I could die. I had once more burned all my bridges. My job was gone. Everyone I knew saw me for the pathetic psycho nut that I was. Even if this spell passed, being bipolar never would. I would never be freed from this curse. There was, essentially, no hope. I thought about suicide constantly.

One of the other patients in the hospital was a biologist and mathematician who said something that made me feel like I mattered again. He said that all of the universe was one big algebraic equation and everything in it was a variable. If I removed myself from the equation, it would change the entire equation. No matter how small I felt, I was a significant variable in that equation. There was no telling what I was going to do that would be significant, or when, or where , or with whom. It might have been someone I helped as a child. Or maybe it might be someone I haven't even met yet. The point was, every life matters. Even mine.

And so there in the break room of a psych ward, out of my mind in pain, I and my fellow nut case PhD friend sat there and looked at the deepest question of all about the universe -- what do you do about unjust pain? And I made my peace with my Creator.

Sorry to hear that. It doesn't help that you're at the age when most men's social lives have dried up because they're paying attention to their families.

A man I know who was only married for one lousy year travels now. Eastern Europe mainly. He does have friends that he travels with. It's not what he does all the time, but he seems to do it at least once a year now.