Alone with no hope in sight

[yuppers]

Well, I'm several years younger then you and haven't experienced what you have but I can relate to being lonely and having no hope. It must be hard not having your friends or family close by. Can I ask why you are so far away from everyone? If you genuinely don't have anyone significant living around you have you considered moving closer to your friends or family? If you wouldn't consider moving then you have to really start making an effort to improve your living circumstances where you are. 35 is still in the first 1/3 of your life. Lots of time to make things better. I think you have to make more of an effort to find yourself a church where you fit in. Instead of making judgments about them to early maybe give a church a little more of a chance. Sign up for a program and start getting involved. Then you can start meeting like minded people to you. With your singleness, it can be very rough sometimes. Have you considered online dating? In your age bracket I think people who are online are a lot more serious and willing to settle down with someone. Make yourself a good profile, post some nice pictures of yourself, and then be patient in finding someone. Be willing to put yourself out there again. You might get turned down a few times but be prepared to brush it off, pick yourself up again, and go out with someone else. It might take time but I don't think it's out of the question that you'll NEVER meet someone again. And in all of that remember to hold true to God and your own values. Never feel like you should change who you are or turn your back on God to get the things you desire.

 

[ForrestM]

I'm looking for advice about how to accept being alone for the rest of my life. Is there a way to let go and ignore the pain? My ex-wife cheated on me and asked for a divorce between Christmas and New Year in 2009...that's 6 and a half years. I got told it was just a season, but 6+ years isn't a season. I'm 35, I have a good job, but the friends I do have do not live nearby (a couple hundred miles at the closest) and my nearest family is a 600 miles away. I basically work, and do nothing else. I've tried going to churches but even the best one I had been a part of ended up being fake people and more concerned with title than Christ. I honestly want to just give up and stop everything. I often wonder if God hates me, but then I have to go back to His word that says he doesn't; but if that's true then why do I have to suffer through loneliness for so long...what did I do?

Don't give up. I was in your place once. I lived by myself for 7 years. I eventually met a woman whom I married. We have been married for almost 30 years now. We have 2 beautiful children. God has a plan for you! Your situation sounds very similar to what mine was. Try online dating, and keep trying. I met my wife at work. There is somebody out there for you! Never give up! I will be praying for you.

 

[ToBeLoved]

I'm looking for advice about how to accept being alone for the rest of my life. Is there a way to let go and ignore the pain? My ex-wife cheated on me and asked for a divorce between Christmas and New Year in 2009...that's 6 and a half years. I got told it was just a season, but 6+ years isn't a season. I'm 35, I have a good job, but the friends I do have do not live nearby (a couple hundred miles at the closest) and my nearest family is a 600 miles away. I basically work, and do nothing else. I've tried going to churches but even the best one I had been a part of ended up being fake people and more concerned with title than Christ. I honestly want to just give up and stop everything. I often wonder if God hates me, but then I have to go back to His word that says he doesn't; but if that's true then why do I have to suffer through loneliness for so long...what did I do?

I would prayerfully really think about your life and what you want in the future. If your friends and family are so far away, maybe while you are single and have nothing to tie you down, this is the time to really seek inside yourself and see if where you are located is where you want to be.

What are your plans for the future besides finding a significant other or future wife?

Sometimes (and I am not saying you are doing this, but search your own heart) we put our happiness in a basket that when this one thing happens we will be happy, but often that is not the case.

Praying for you.

 

[Shulamite3]

I agree with Tryintogrow.
So much of what we despise in others comes from within our very selves. Been there.
The way to start living again is looking for a place to serve.... If you don't trust a church, find a retirement home or orphanage. Messiah came as servant, not to be served. Our joy is found in imitating Him. Happiness comes from what other people do for us, but true joy comes from serving others. And, if we truly want to live as Him, go back to those churches you say have fake people, and walk in truth. Be a witness to them, not in words (or accusation), but by serving them and loving on them.
You continuously speak negative words over yourself.....you become a "grasshopper" in your own eyes because that's what you speak over yourself. Check out Neil Anderson's book The Bondage Breaker. Start speaking Scripture of who God says you are instead of listening to the lies of the enemy that says "I'll never be happy", "I'll always be alone...".....etc.
Read some of Hannah Hurnard's book....it will give you a glimpse of that victorious life, the one that we allow the enemy of our soul rob us of by listening to what he says about us and to us.
You're the only one who can change your life. I pray you rise up and be the overcome, His grace is sufficient. You can do it!!

 

[Robert76]

I'm looking for advice about how to accept being alone for the rest of my life. Is there a way to let go and ignore the pain? My ex-wife cheated on me and asked for a divorce between Christmas and New Year in 2009...that's 6 and a half years. I got told it was just a season, but 6+ years isn't a season. I'm 35, I have a good job, but the friends I do have do not live nearby (a couple hundred miles at the closest) and my nearest family is a 600 miles away. I basically work, and do nothing else. I've tried going to churches but even the best one I had been a part of ended up being fake people and more concerned with title than Christ. I honestly want to just give up and stop everything. I often wonder if God hates me, but then I have to go back to His word that says he doesn't; but if that's true then why do I have to suffer through loneliness for so long...what did I do?

Hang in there fellow brother in the faith. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you've had to experience. It is hard to say why your circumstances are the way they are currently... possibly God is using this isolation to draw you closer to Himself, or maybe you're to be the salt and light in your corner of the world there to show others what authentic Christian community is really about. Whatever God's plans are, keep trusting that He DOES have a plan for you and you are being made more into the image of His son through this process. While it is easy to get turned off to the fake Christians, are there any opportunities God may be showing you where you can help mentor someone younger in the faith, maybe someone who can really benefit from true Christian fellowship. Through this, God may show you a great friend for life.

Psalm 16:8 (ESV)
"I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken."

Know that you are never alone and draw near to God.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

I feel one of more direct responses coming on. I dont mean to be harsh, but to say it how I see it with Gods love to hopefully give you a kick in the right direction.

Pull yourself together man, 6 1/2 years and you havent moved on. I would suggest a few things. First of all is one of Gods basics - forgiveness. You need to forgive your ex-wife for what she did, yourself as there will always be an element of doubting yourself for what made her do it and it sounds like you need to forgive God, not because He needs forgiveness but because you said you wonder if he hates you (He doesn't, He loves you enough to send His Son to die on the cross for you). Once any unforgiveness anywhere is dealt with you can move forward.

Then you can deal with looking forward rather than back. Look at what you want to achieve, which appears to be making friends. What do you need to do to do that? I would suggest one starting point is to find a bible believing church and try not to be judgemental of the people there. The problem with the Church is that it full of people and we all fall short. If you are only prepared to go to a church with perfect people you will never find it. There are also different levels we go through when making friends. The first is the superficial, the second is getting to know someone and build trust and then you move into deeper understanding and relationships. At the second stage it is easy to misinterpret things. I have some people I consider friends I never thought I would for several months after meeting them. Maybe you need to give people more time before writing them off. You may not know why they are like that as well. Often it is because people have gone through some pain themselves so they need time to get past what you saw as fake people.

I also think that because of what you have been through you may be the one that makes it hard to connect. You said you have tried a couple of times to date and it didnt work out. Well, you have been through a broken marriage, that will affect you and may mean you are the one that it is hard to get involved with. Trying again and again until you start to be more comfortable with it may be needed. And dont fall into the trap of comparing them to your ex-wife.

You appear to be afraid of being alone and that will come across when you are dating. It could scare people off. You could also be clingy when forming friendships which will scare people off.

All in all I would say you need to relax, be yourself and move forward, rather than look back. The past is gone. We cant change it. Learn for it and move on rather than hold onto it. Take responsibility for yourself and if you are trying to make friends ask yourself if the people who could be friends are better than none. You will be able to move forward with time and when you see relationships developing with people. Maybe also find a support group or people who have been through the same as you and come out the other side to help and guide you.

I've been through stuff but divorce is not part of it. When people get hurt a lot of the symptoms are the same we make it harder to connect to other people and its down to us rather than them to make it work. Just accept people warts and all and you will be able to move forward, you will eventually connect with people.

 

[paul becke]

All hope isn't false, faith by definition is the belief in things not seen yet hoped for. By saying all hope is false you are the hope for the return of Christ is false. So again, stop; or do I need to define that too? You ARE NOT helping

It seems to me that God is never content to give us the crosses we would choose, if we had to ; maybe some, but perhaps not the main ones.

It is not easy for us to see our heavier crosses 'in specie aeternitatis', but it is what we need to do, and the more so, the heavier cross. But you are wrong to dismiss hope from your mindset. God works to his time-able not ours, but just because he has seen you struggle with loneliness for six years plus, doesn't mean He will be content to leave you in your misery.

It's madness to imagine that your meeting up with a soul-mate is improbable. It's not for you to tell God you 'know the score', when you don't. Actually, it's presumption on your part to tell God what He can't or or won't do, a serious sin, because it opens the door to so many others. For sure, if you are serious about your faith - which IS the most important dimension of our lives - you must know that if you do your part, and he does have plans other than marriage for you, he will not continue to leave you without consolation.

Time is pivotal to suffering. Can you imagine how long Jesus' passion and crucifixion must have seemed to Mary, John and their holy women friends - not to speak of Jesus, himself ? Just the three hours of the Jesus' actual crucifixion must have seemed like an eternity. And surely it must have been hard for Mary to wish her son dead asap. But his whole passion ..... at each stage, she would have realised bitterly that when it ended, another form of torture on Jesus' increasingly wounded body and spirit would take its place - culminating in the ultimate monstrosity of his crucifixion.

My wife died five years ago, and I've felt far more lonely these last five years than I ever did before I got married. Mind you, I'm an old geezer, now, so most of my relatives and friends of my youth have predeceased me, anyway. The ratbags.

Every best wish.

 

[jax5434]

I'm looking for advice about how to accept being alone for the rest of my life. Is there a way to let go and ignore the pain? My ex-wife cheated on me and asked for a divorce between Christmas and New Year in 2009...that's 6 and a half years. I got told it was just a season, but 6+ years isn't a season. I'm 35, I have a good job, but the friends I do have do not live nearby (a couple hundred miles at the closest) and my nearest family is a 600 miles away. I basically work, and do nothing else. I've tried going to churches but even the best one I had been a part of ended up being fake people and more concerned with title than Christ. I honestly want to just give up and stop everything. I often wonder if God hates me, but then I have to go back to His word that says he doesn't; but if that's true then why do I have to suffer through loneliness for so long...what did I do?

Why do you choose to live so far away from friends and family?
God Bless
Jax

 

[disciple1]

I'm looking for advice about how to accept being alone for the rest of my life. Is there a way to let go and ignore the pain? My ex-wife cheated on me and asked for a divorce between Christmas and New Year in 2009...that's 6 and a half years. I got told it was just a season, but 6+ years isn't a season. I'm 35, I have a good job, but the friends I do have do not live nearby (a couple hundred miles at the closest) and my nearest family is a 600 miles away. I basically work, and do nothing else. I've tried going to churches but even the best one I had been a part of ended up being fake people and more concerned with title than Christ. I honestly want to just give up and stop everything. I often wonder if God hates me, but then I have to go back to His word that says he doesn't; but if that's true then why do I have to suffer through loneliness for so long...what did I do?

I didn't get together with my wife until I was 35 and I thought I might always be alone.
You just have to keep going on, if you want another wife have you prayed for God to give you one, all of us belong to him, I don't think you can get a good one without prayer.

 

[LongLiveTheChrist]

Being in communion with God, abiding in His love, knowing how beautiful He is, should cast out any feelings of loneliness or despair.

The beauty of God is so powerful and infinite, that nothing can compare to it, no - not even the affection of the most beautiful woman on Earth.

God is the all-beautiful, the all-loving.

That sacred feminine beauty that you long for, the eternal feminine, is already within you; it is God.

God consists of both masculine and feminine energy.

Know God, my friend, and all else will be well.

 

[Cheyann]

Hello. I have been divorced for ten years. I work and spend most of my time at home. You don't need to feel alone. Christ is there always. As far as friends go I haven't found anyone who you can trust or even who has the same belief. Don't let your flesh control you. Live spiritually, you do know we have a spiritual body? Find things you like to do. Me I love being in Gods word and enjoying christian music. Praying for you.

 

[Cheyann]

My message was for Disciple1

 

[cloudlight93]

Hi brother,

I share this with you because it's all about finding a new wife. Remember, Jesus' said in the case of fornication where one partner lies with another, you may be remarried and it is not adultery.

Your story reminds me of Michael Chriswell. He went through a bitter divorce, where despite all his best efforts to keep his marriage together his wife took him to court for every single dollar he had. She had a very good job, but quit it, in order to demand more. He was already supporting his 5 kids. He was a successful business man and the Lord asked him to give it up. His entire story is here:

"TRUSTING GOD IN THE STORM - An Inspiring Documentary About Finding Help in Suffering"

The reason I talk about him is because he prayed a few short years later for a sign from God, and a new wife. His loneliness brought him to the complete end of himself, and he received that sign, met his wife, and married her on the same day they met. He also documented that. The unique part to his story is he has voice recordings and video of his entire testimony and experience in the storm of his life.

"I Begged God to Save My Marriage and What He Did Shocked Me"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuLpns4opCI

I pray you take a lot from it, and it fills you with hope and joy again.

Proverbs 23:18
"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off."

I never knew the Lord can act like he did in Michael's life. I'm sure He is willing and able to be also with you.

 

[cloudlight93]

I also think it's worth letting you know he met his true wife 5 years after that prayer and sign. He said he went through a length of loneliness throughout that time that later served to lead him closer to God.

 

[Aleksandros]

What is your relationship with God like? That is to say, God is always with you, but you do have to make that feel like a reality. How's your prayer life, Bible reading, etc?

"I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee," is true, as is, "I am with you always, even to the end of the age",
Yet their experiential understanding can only come from following, "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you."

 

[1gh2g3f4]

how to cope with this??? man there isn't really any magical pill to make the feeling of love go away... AND thats a good thing... now ive not been actually married myself but she was actively living with me i loved her with all that i had and did all that i could for her and planned to marry her too.. just never got to actively doing it in many ways i see it as a good thing.. (i was a soldier and she cheated on me with a muslim and called herself a jew) if this does not have blinding irony idk what would? anyways bitterness took me over HARD!! oh i was soo p*ssed off what a mixed bag of emotions it was!!! anyawys.. this is what i learned from it... holding on to this thing in such a ways caused me more hate and bitterness.. i dove back into the word of god which she actually kinda prevented me from doing... i got to a point in my rereading of the bible where it says to forgive others so that you father heaven can forgive you.. and i thought to myself WOW and woah.. i have to forgive this??!?! idk how but i have to do it.. in the knowledge of this is where and when i began to heal.... and it actually took many years just like i see it has with you.. mine was in 2010 yours was in in 2009... not to much difference here but i eventually was able to forgive her... and even was able to tell her that this year... of course she tried to turn that around saying she forgave me too.. and that just went right over her head.. so i just smiled to myself and thought of course you would say that...anywho.. the point of this is man YOU HAVE GOT TO FIND IT IN YOURSELF to forgive her.. and this might take longer than you want.. this is how i knew to myself did i actually forgive her or was it just me saying something with my mouth? when ever i thought about her or something we did or whatever it was.. i would get mad or whatever about it and i thought.. well if this is true have i actually forgiven her??? i dont think i did.. so i pushed into this to forgive her not for her sake at all.... but just so that my father would forgive me for all the sins ive commited might seem selfish at first but so be if it is... salvation is a very personal thing.. so work on forgiven her.. as far as your family and being alone??
man this is a hard thing too... (more advice) i wouldn't be going into any relationships with her still on my mind. thats not going to do you or the other person well.. i think you are wise enough to see that while trying to forgive and heal yourself AFTER forgiveness (it will help you to forgive FIRST you are not going to heal till you begin that process.. starting it first with forgiveness) i implore you not to do anything stupid.... and i think you know exactly what im talking about... so it begins here with forgiveness. like truely think about that and what that would look like in your own life... and obtain it.. start here first.

 

[1gh2g3f4]

i hope by me asking you to forgive her first so that you can then heal... gives you the hope that you are needing.

 

[NW82]

So, I guess I need to point out a few things.
1. I forgave my ex-wife a few years ago.
2. I don't even give her a second thought, unless it's telling new people what happened.
3. There are a lot of assumptions going on here.
4. The point I am making is that, I have almost zero human contact except at work; this is a very political environment and I have to fake happy all day.
5. I'm good at what I do, but it's basically all I do; no I'm not a workaholic.
6. People say go meet new people; well I'm an introvert and saying go meet new people, like it's as easy as picking up a loaf of bread at the store...well that's not how it works. For me it's more like storming the beaches of Normandy.
7. I can only base my assumption of being alone on current and past events; which so no sign of changing.
8. I'm even attracted to someone who I am trying to talk to, but just my luck we are separated by two coasts of the country. So yeah I'm not real optimistic. So I was hoping for someone to have some experiences to share that might make this easier but all I'm getting is "suck it up" or "you're wrong". NO WHERE IN SCRIPTURE is God guaranteeing anyone companionship. Do I know God won't leave me? Yes. Will God be there for me to bounce ideas off of and reply with additional thoughts? No. Will God be there to listen, yes. Will God be there in the middle of the night when I feel like the entire world is crashing down and I have to turn it all off and go into work the next day, yes, but having someone with you to share it with is tangible...and that's what I'm missing.

 

[ToBeLoved]

So, I guess I need to point out a few things.
1. I forgave my ex-wife a few years ago.
2. I don't even give her a second thought, unless it's telling new people what happened.
3. There are a lot of assumptions going on here.
4. The point I am making is that, I have almost zero human contact except at work; this is a very political environment and I have to fake happy all day.
5. I'm good at what I do, but it's basically all I do; no I'm not a workaholic.
6. People say go meet new people; well I'm an introvert and saying go meet new people, like it's as easy as picking up a loaf of bread at the store...well that's not how it works. For me it's more like storming the beaches of Normandy.
7. I can only base my assumption of being alone on current and past events; which so no sign of changing.
8. I'm even attracted to someone who I am trying to talk to, but just my luck we are separated by two coasts of the country. So yeah I'm not real optimistic. So I was hoping for someone to have some experiences to share that might make this easier but all I'm getting is "suck it up" or "you're wrong". NO WHERE IN SCRIPTURE is God guaranteeing anyone companionship. Do I know God won't leave me? Yes. Will God be there for me to bounce ideas off of and reply with additional thoughts? No. Will God be there to listen, yes. Will God be there in the middle of the night when I feel like the entire world is crashing down and I have to turn it all off and go into work the next day, yes, but having someone with you to share it with is tangible...and that's what I'm missing.

People are only trying to help you. Sometimes we do not know all the details.

There are many of us who are looking for a significant other, so just don't be too hard on people.

If you want the broadest range of viewpoints and advice, post right here in Christian Advice.

 

[1gh2g3f4]

where are you from?