My behavior is so confusing, I don't get it

Hey GT: I'll do my best to respond to some of this.

You: I want to not be tied to any of them. I do what I can to avoid doing them, and overall have terrible anxiety about making them.

Me: You don't want them so label them "intrusive". The anxiety is the only thing that is fooling you into believing that they have some measure of validity or that you did them on purpose. But feelings do not equal truth... most especially when you have OCD. All that anxiety is the clue that ythat the vows are OCD thoughts. INVALID!

You: So I'm heading home on an hour drive doing a bit under 60, and suddenly I see cops, including one driving a bit behind me. So I pray to God asking Him to keep me from getting a ticket. I did this calmly and presumably on purpose. I didn't want a ticket.

Me: I would have done the very same thing. This much of what you said, thought, did is not OCD.

You: So now what am I worried about? I'm worried I "vowed" I would add a month to a bunch of my existing "vows" if I didn't get a ticket.

Me: This is the OCD attaching itself to a perfectly normal scenario because that's how it operates. Vowing is your biggest fear so you have the idea of making vows to God in your mind all the time. And, your brain has generated so many automatic and nonsensical vows over the last two years that it automatically thinks of making a vow in all sorts of scenarios. It's like if I told you: Okay GT, whatever you do, DO NOT make a vow to God that you won't ever talk to me again. What would your brain do with that? You see the harder you try not to vow the more your brain is going to make vows. And you've been at this for so long that it will generate all sorts of absurd vows in a heart beat, yes even when you are feeling calm.
BTW any "existing" vows that you are allowing to shove you around need to be ignored. Whatever you are doing to try and keep them needs to stop because it's your behavior that is giving them validity, not God.

You: Well I never got pulled over. I have no idea if I actually "vowed" or not, and I probably didn't, but now I have this terrible anxiety that I calmly, purposely "vowed" to God to get out of a ticket.

Me: Your OCD mind may have generated a vow in regard to this scenario but that is a "so what?" event. You can say to yourself, "maybe I did make a vow and maybe I didn't, but either way it doesn't matter because this is how my OCD operates. I'll probably be vowing to never make a vow again and then I'll make yet another vow because my brain is always generating these unwanted and intrusive vows/thoughts." You may well say: "but it makes me feel so anxious to ignore all of this!" And I will tell you that is exactly how you know it's OCD. OCD pushes and pushes us to try and find some reassurance or certainty about our doubts and questions and the tool it uses to do that is the anxiety that the disorder generates in response to the thoughts.

You: So.... if I did, would I seriously be dumb enough (or not in my right mind or whatever) to actually "vow" when I've been so scared of that subject for over 2 years?? Really? What can I do to stop this?

Me: You absolutely should not be trying to stop the vows from coming and above all else you should not engage in some kind of protective action to undo the vow or work out some kind of deal in your brain where you aren't going to be held accountable in order to try and ease the anxiety. Every bit of that is the compulsive side of the disorder and the more you engage in that the longer you'll be stuck.

You: Like I said, I don't even know if I did that or not,

Me: Good leave it there. Live with the uncertainty and do not try to sort it out at all. Just let it lie there unanswered. The key to treating OCD is learning to tolerate and live with the feelings of uncertainty.

You: it could be that I'm so paranoid about "vowing" that I'm starting to tell myself I "vowed" when I didn't,

Me: Exactly! You are so fearful of making vows that your brain is going to make them whether you want it to or not. It's the: "whatever you do, don't not think of a pink elephant!" analogy.

You: but this is a major setback!

Me: It is only a setback because you are making it a setback by responding to the whole thing as though it's valid. And it's not a "major" set back it's just part and parcel of living with OCD. Sometimes we let the disorder get the best of us and sometimes we get the best of it. Again... "So what?" Just acknowledge you gave in to the compulsive side and now feel super crappy because of it and then turn the page.
You: It's so difficult to try and figure out what God thinks of the things I do (and whether He'll hold me to them) when I don't even know why or if I did them!
Me: Yes it is difficult because it's impossible to know what God is thinking. But what you can know is that He knows all about OCD and He is more compassionate than any human on earth will ever be toward you in regard to your OCD. Leave it there. Don't even confess or tell Him you are sorry you are making vows, because doing that will once again lend them a credence and validity that they do not deserve and when you do that you make them important and urgent and scary. It's like you are your own stalker.

Me... again: So to sum things up; expect and accept that your brain is going to generate vows, even when you aren't upset. Expect and accept that when it does you will likely feel very anxious. But those two things: the vows and the anxiety are not within the realm of your control so don't try to control them. Then refuse to attend to the vow in any way whatsoever. Don't try to sort out whether you meant it or not. Don't try to find a way to undo it or get out of it. Don't obey the vow. Just let it sit there and burn itself out. Feel the anxiety and say: "this is what my OCD does. It generates all these meaningless and scary vows but I'm not going to give in to it's demands. I can even say a vow right out loud that it generates and know that the whole thing is just a bunch of bunk." Then get on with your day and find something to distract yourself.
Hope this helps a bit. You really need to be vigilant in recognizing when you are engaging in the compulsive side of the disorder and then put on the brakes the moment you realize it. Ask God to help you to recognize when you are giving in to the compulsions.
Warmest Regards to you my dear friend... praying!! Mitzi

Hi GT, Just in case you didn't see this response; here it is.