Guys, what's your relationship with your inlaws?

Asking for permission from their parents to date someone who is an adult is really really stupid.

How in the world can one be a capable adult when they are not treated as though they are capable of deciding who to spend their time with??

And if your son or daughter as an adult is not capable of determining these things on their own, then you did a really crappy job in preparing them for life.

It would depend on the culture. I mean I've heard of people asking about marriage, but not for dating. Although.... when I was raised we did courting. You didn't really ask per say, but you essentially would do things with the family instead of by yourselves. Thus sort of dating them to, or possibly you could say seeking their approval by being with them. I tried it but no girls were available really. Mind you this was as teens. Might seem a bit more weird if you were all adults.

However you did say this:

Well in my culture a large amount of importance is placed on family.
In fact its more common for children to live with their parents until marriage than to move out

Click to expand...

I see you live in Canada, whats your cultural background? My wife is from the Philippines (literally) and they are super family oriented. Alot live at home, even once married because family is more important then living on your own. So I sort of did date the family while dating my wife. The only time I asked though was for her hand in marriage. More so as a formality I was raised with. What they decided wouldn't matter to me much as I would still marry her.

After all parents can be picky. If they say no then they may be doing so in their best interest and not in their childs.

I had one girl that I wanted to date tell me that if I wanted to ask her out I had to ask her father if it was okay first. I called him and talked to him for a few minutes and told him I wanted to go out with his daughter. He said okay. We ended up going out once and that was it.
I didn't even know my future father in law until I had been dating my wife several weeks. We actually only dated about 8 weeks and then we got engaged. We then were engaged for 9 months while we planned the wedding and saved some money. I never did ask him for anything and never would. It isn't up to him and he isn't save anyway

ck_psy said:

I am of east asian background.

Normally I wouldn't go to the lengths of asking for the dads blessing for dating, but this particular girls dad is a Pastor at my church. (I go to a large church with 10 full-time pastors). Things could get very messy if he didn't approve which is why I think I would need his blessing.. even for wooing.

Click to expand...

Is she an adult?

It is the position of your church that asking the father to date is necessary? (If it is I would suggest a different church.)

If she's an adult and that isn't the position of the church and he got mad I would simply reply that I had no intention to offend, however since it is not a teaching of the church that I needed the father's permission to date her and since she is an adult that it makes logical sense that she could make her own decisions on relationships.

ck_psy said:

How did you go about seeking the approval of the father to court/date the daughter?

Click to expand...

My husband and I were way too grown up for this stuff by the time we met (he was 43, I was 34). He did meet and get to know my parents before proposing, and he did discuss it with them beforehand. But there was no "seeking approval"; we were adults with our own minds, not children.

Why didn't you?
Is it an outdated notion?
Should you have?

Click to expand...

Yes, it's outdated (fathers don't "own" their adult daughters in any way). I think a guy should introduce himself, make himself open to questions, spend time with the family (assuming they're all on good terms), etc, if he plans to propose. But does he need permission/approval? NO, he doesn't. This is not 18th century England, where girls are married off with dowries like a business transaction.

I think a man should strive to earn the love, respect, and trust of his in-laws, but their permission is not required one bit.

(I'm not talking about the hand in marriage, but rather in dating/courting).

Click to expand...

This confuses me a bit, because your thread title says "in laws", and then you backtrack and say you're just asking about dating situations... so I'm just gonna speak from the "we're serious enough that we wanna get engaged" perspective.

ck_psy said:

I am of east asian background.

Normally I wouldn't go to the lengths of asking for the dads blessing for dating, but this particular girls dad is a Pastor at my church. (I go to a large church with 10 full-time pastors). Things could get very messy if he didn't approve which is why I think I would need his blessing.. even for wooing.

Click to expand...

Obviously our American/western opinions will differ from your own. And since you already feel convinced that you need to get his blessing, then you need to do what you feel is necessary.

I am of east asian background.

Normally I wouldn't go to the lengths of asking for the dads blessing for dating, but this particular girls dad is a Pastor at my church. (I go to a large church with 10 full-time pastors). Things could get very messy if he didn't approve which is why I think I would need his blessing.. even for wooing.

Click to expand...

Ah I see. It does seem common in asian cultures. My wifes family is asian and they didn't really have any traditions like this but my mother in law is a pastor too. So I did make a video even though we were engaged already asking for her blessings in our marriage. She didn't get to see it but it was the thought that counts.

WHen I was there getting married, during the ceremony I take the hand of her mother and her uncle (father was a no show) and raise it to my head to thank them for their blessings. Like I said its more of a thing you do, it doens't actually matter if they give the blessing or not. Although in her country until your 27, the parents have to sign off on the person getting married. If not there is nothing you can do about it.

The first weekend we met I had dinner with her and her parents so they could get to know me and I could meet them. When it came time to get engaged I had dinner with her parents alone and asked her dad for permission to marry her. I love my in-laws and they have always made me feel welcome and comfortable.

I don't think asking the father is required but I'm old-fashioned and still like doing things like that.

ck_psy said:

Primarily interested in guys (although girls can respond too from the guys perspective).

How did you go about seeking the approval of the father to court/date the daughter?

Click to expand...

I didn't.

Why didn't you?
Is it an outdated notion?
Should you have?

Click to expand...

I find out outdated at best. Offensive at worst, in that it turns women into property of their father such that she and I for some reason need his permission to see each other. Also, why would I be expected to ask her father for permission to date when she would not be expected to ask my father for permission?

And no, I don't think I should have. I didn't even meet him (or her mother) until we had already been dating. And we were both adults.

(I'm not talking about the hand in marriage, but rather in dating/courting).

Click to expand...

For the record, I didn't ask permission to propose to or marry her, either. Kind of hard to do so when she was the one who ended up proposing to me.

ck_psy said:

Well this in the married couples board, so I assume most of you are already married, hence the 'relationship with the (now) in-laws.

It isn't required but I feel that I should.

So what would be the best way to do this?
I've never been introduced to him but I have seen him around a few times.

Click to expand...

OK, once again, you're asking Americans to tell you how to go about doing something that adheres to an Asian culture... do you want the American answer or what? lol

Inkachu said:

OK, once again, you're asking Americans to tell you how to go about doing something that adheres to an Asian culture... do you want the American answer or what? lol

Click to expand...

Asking a father for permission to court or date his daughter is part of American culture. It's not ubiquitous, but it is still a thing in America.

It's an old fashioned and rarely-done thing, Skaloop, that hearkens back to our grandparents' generation, yes.

It's not what I'd call a common practice in current American society.