Being a virgin at 28

john2190

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I grew up in a Christian background and family and went to church as long as I can remember. Although I was born in the middle east and lived there for some time and my parents are from south asia, the UK has always felt like home. I made a commitment to Christ I'd say when I was 14 and since then I have lived according to a combination of both Christian values and principles and my rather sheltered upbringing.

I lived a very sheltered life, single sex school right up til I was 18, the only woman I really saw was my mum for all those years, hardly socialised, had a few friends but was bullied at school and picked on by teachers and abused (physically and emotionally) by my father and brother. I was very overprotected spoilt and overworked. I was depressed for sure, probably from the age of about 9 or 10. Then I went to university, where for the first time I was mixing with women, learned how to socialise and make friends properly, party and generally be free. Since then I've had 4 women (plus one I just hooked up with 2 years ago on holiday) that I've been intimate with but never went all the way with any of them. So technically that makes me a virgin because with 2 of these women I've done what's known as “outercourse.” So I understand I have not been pure in these relationships but am still a virgin in the technical sense.

And so this is my struggle – Being a virgin at 28. It has, you could say become such an obsession, almost part of my psyche and identity and I know that that is not good. I always knew growing up that sex is something really special and you should save it for marriage so that's been imprinted into my mind but part of me also thought I would have been married by now and thus obviously having sex. Cos that hasn't happened you can probably understand why I feel so distraught and frustrated over this issue. I feel betrayed and angry and feels like God is against me. Every passing day now it feels more and more painful and feels like God is in some way torturing and punishing me through this seemingly unending struggle as he's denying me something that is special. My theological brain obviously reminds me that this is not true and that God is for us and is good. But I'm so lost and confused. If God provides all our needs and fulfils our desires and so if this is a desire and need that God has put in my heart then, why isn't it being met? It's trying to understand the purpose behind this which is causing me the most grief, whilst knowing it's happened so easily for so many other people. It's one thing to preach don't have sex before marriage but what if you're a man, you reach my age and you're still waiting...?

I feel I've MISSED OUT on experiencing intercourse and having that fun when I was younger. I've never tried smoking, drugs and never had a desire for alcohol and hardly drink but those things have never bothered me. I can easily live the rest of my life knowing that I never had a cigarette or tried drugs...I don't think I'm missing out on those things! But what is it about sex? I guess it's cos it is part of we are, it is a natural, biological desire unlike those other things. But even when I think about my time at college/university I remember that I never had a desire for sex when I was that age either. As I mentioned I came from a very overprotected environment and so at 19 when most guys are thinking about sex and finding a girl to do it with, I was just happy to be around women and talking to them for the first time.

I think the reason why I'm so anxious and so distraught over this issue is and why I'm panicking is because PART OF ME genuinely does believe that I may not meet the right woman which will mean never getting married which then in turn mean never having sex and dying a virgin. And I know that is the most negative, extreme worst case scenario possible to think of! What reinforces that belief is when I see some great single people who are in their 30s and 40s are still single. And I know they would make great husbands or wives and fathers or mothers.
I look at these men and women and it scares me. What if I end up like one of them? What's to say I won't? Because afterall, marriage is no guarantee for everyone. People will always say oh of course you'll meet someone etc. but they don't know that for certain. And yet at the other end, what adds to the frustration and loneliness is seeing friends and other people finding love, getting married etc. Many I knew over the years have reached that stage now.

Being so bothered about not being married, not having sex, not being intimate with someone MUST mean that it is NOT God's will for me to be like this. What do you think? I long for love, companionship and not just sex and I believe that is because God has put those desires within me! Doesn't Jesus say he will give us the desires of our hearts? Did he not say ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find? On the sermon on the mount, Jesus promises us to meet all our needs, like he meets the needs of the birds and the flowers. In Phil 4:19 it says "my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." These promises, right now seem rather empty. I feel very disappointed with God and feel angry that he has not comforted me and provided what is clearly a need in my life (at least the way I see it). I don't want to say this but I have told him I hate him for it and as it feels like he's betrayed me. It's most likely the reason why I find it so difficult to read the bible, go to church and sit through a sermon because my mind is constantly on this issue. I have never really felt close to God or felt his presence to be honest, and now my relationship with him is suffering even more. I know and believe in my mind, God's promises and truths that he is for me, and only wants what's best for me and only wants what is good for me. I understand that things will not always be easy but at the same time this situation just seems to contradict everything I believe about God...that he is good, loving and caring and wants the best for us.
 

Godsprincess1991

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Maybe the reasoning is because God created you to have a relationship with him more than anything. By putting everything in his hands is a good start but you need to know him before anyone else. God will provide all of your needs and he'll give you your hearts desire in his time.. Your still young..

I Don't know if this is at all going to help but God really is always there for you and loves you. Just don't forget that. We all get mad and a little impatient wondering why he hasn't given us what we ask for but he will bless you more for being patient with him and seeking him out.

God bless you!
 
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Unix

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You are supposing that being in a couple relationship and getting sex is necessarily more joyful? Relationships bring grief too for most, and makes it harder to have other friends.
I'm in a relationship, but I wish I would make new friends.
All-in-all I've suffered from being in relationships, I have not received especially much respect.
I have no-one to talk to face-to-face about what interests me mosts, and no-one with whom to do many of the things I would like to do.
I'm not dissapointed with my GF, it's not that. Besides, she accepts if I have a new friend. I'm happy in my relationship.

What I mean, is that having a girlfriend doesn't fulfill ones needs and it's not possible to be company to each other all the time.

You might want to know, that I think that not living together, is the normal thing.

Finding someone who meets a long list of requirements is basically impossible unless You have something very appealing such as a very high university degree together with a good job, plus other things to boast about.

Basically girls just look for a man who it's always nice to talk with.

Other strengths in a man doesn't count that much.

For example being youthful doesn't count. I'm youthful and my GF doesn't see that as a strength at all, she requires me to be like everyone who are as old as I am. That reveals what women want, a man is not allowed to have a view differing from what most of the population has.

Having principles doesn't count. If I resist things that I think are absurd, my GF usually just complains and threatens me.

If I spend a lot of money on books or on my home my GF complains, even though those things are basically all I have during the winter.

I think my GF is just getting too little sunlight now in the middle of the winter. So these problems are no real problems.

But circumstances such as the shift from summer to winter is real.

Women want a man who has achieved things but is now so passive that he has time to talk pleasant things and be overly optimistic and supress his principles and just spend the day making money and spend the free-time saving money and not doing anything with it, not thinking of or spending too much time with hobbies such as the Bible and other books.

All my GF really accepts is that I go to the church. I'm used to from before to spend religious time outside church. No I haven't been in relationships all my adult life.


EDIT: oh yeah and my GF thinks it's good I go to a Bible study group on tuesday evenings. But that group bores me a bit, there's visitors who speak half the sentence Swedish and half the sentence English, it's supposed to be all in English. That annoys me.

I'm not speaking derogatory about my GF, we have fun all the time we are together, it's the mean-time that bother's me and that she is bothered about. THAT'S the problem with relationships
Doesn't Jesus say he will give us the desires of our hearts? Did he not say ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find? On the sermon on the mount, Jesus promises us to meet all our needs, like he meets the needs of the birds and the flowers. In Phil 4:19 it says "my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." These promises, right now seem rather empty.
 
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Save your virginity man. I lost mine when i was 16. Just to see what it was like. Now, at the ripe ole age of 28 it wasn't worth breaking that vow to God. You gotta start dating someone first. It will come to play if you keep your eyes focused on the Lord, brother! Remeber, satan is their tourting you, not God. When the time comes to get married it will happen, don't look for it too. May the Lord give you wisdom, peace, and love. Amen!
 
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Timahani

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Hey John :),

It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety concerning your future. Also, it really seems like you are struggling between your spiritual beliefs, Gods promises, and your "youthfullness". I just want to say that you are not alone. I can honestly say, that I can relate to your struggle because I am 30 but will be 31 and have lived a completely celibate lifestyle......

I think the problem stems from our society who has over-rated sex....that is one of the biggest.......problems that we have in the U.S. Just turn on the t.v for like 30 minutes etc. Remeber...Satan...job is DECEPTION.....he presents us with the Benefits of pre-marital sex........but often leaves out the consequences.....such as single mothers, teen mothers, broken homes, increase in std's, guilt, separation from God, abortions, adoptions etc. ....Not to say that these things cannot happen as a result of divorce etc...but its just a figure of speech. It is like a huge cake or pie.....Yes, it looks great...but when examined at the molecular level it has no real nuturients, if over indulged in, it will lead to obesity, cavities etc.

All this to say....Your Beauty as a celibate man....is a rarity:).....not only in the eyes of our maker, but you will be a shining example for your children, and a demonstration to this world about what it truly means to live a life "Sold Out For the Lord"......Dont lose faith in God......Keep up the Good fight......You have come to far these 28 years to give up now.

God Bless You :prayer:.
 
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Mrs. Luther073082

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My husband was a virgin until his mid-twenties. He went through the same thinking process as you where he was freaking out about it and he ended up having sex, which did not turn out well for him. I started having sex when I was 16 and continued to do so until I was a Christian. Premarital sex did not turn out well for me, either. My husband and I were abstinent with each other until marriage and it turns out that doing things God's way turns out pretty well. Sex sounds like it has become an idol to you and an attitude of fear is not helping. I believe I have only mentioned this to my husband before now, but when I lost my virginity it was partly due to fear about dying a virgin. I was going on a trip and afraid of planes/thinking about "what if" the plane crashed. It was so stupid.
 
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OceanPoet87

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Sex is good, but imagine how much better it will be when you are married. You wait becuase husband and wife become one flesh. I'm not explaining it will, but you have to read this book by Kris Vallotton "Purity the New Moral Revolution".

I heard him speak on Veterans Day in Sacramento in 2010 and he is the Senior Pastor at Bethel Church in Redding, CA. Reading it, he makes the case for marriage while debunking the idea that the topic of sex is forbidden in the Church. Its worth it! The start of the book is amazing and is a parable about a boy/man's lifelong journey with a ring. Must read!
 
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AndrewZinc

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Save your virginity man. I lost mine when i was 16. Just to see what it was like. Now, at the ripe ole age of 28 it wasn't worth breaking that vow to God. You gotta start dating someone first. It will come to play if you keep your eyes focused on the Lord, brother! Remeber, satan is their tourting you, not God. When the time comes to get married it will happen, don't look for it too. May the Lord give you wisdom, peace, and love. Amen!

I think this is good advice.

I suggest you pray and pray persistantly. God wants to hear from us and wants us to be happy and content (that doesn't necessarily mean we have everything in worldly terms). But I don't believe if you want to marry that much, that God will keep it from you forever.

Look at Abraham and Sarah (Genesis 15-21), they had to wait until he was 100 before Isaac was born and even he became doubtful and had a son earlier to Sarah's servant and that caused a lot of trouble - even to this day the tension between the Arabs and the Jews.

One other point is that having sex should not be the end goal. You don't marry to have sex. You have sex once you are married but it's about much more than that. As Timahani has said, the focus on sex is part of our society and I would go as far to say it is a lie of the Devil, that it will make you happy.

Oh, and I am nearly 27 and have never even had a girlfriend so I can relate to you. I sincerely hope and pray that God's plan is for me to marry, but I always pray that it should be by his will and not mine. He knows best.
 
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How young?
You know, women always find ways to ROB men, when You've had sex with them, no matter what. They don't feel any shame in doing so. My life as adult, has always been a struggle to clasp my property. Good thing I have good patience, that's needed, I'll still have to wait many years until I get what I want: a moped-car, all my furniture over (they've been stuck in Helsinki center a few hundred meters from the central station for 4 years now, together with a few Bibles actually), some more of my vehicles fixed, a social life. All due to a vicious woman I should never have started to have sex with her so soon 9½ years ago.
It doesn't help a lot to be Christian. Nowadays that vicious woman plays being Christian, she's confessed to me that she's only kidding and goes to church just to fool everyone so that people regard her higher. She gets all that she wants. Legislation is in favour for her, because she has been constantly lying about me.
NO MATTER at what age You start to have sex, it's impossible to control womens actions against You, to any degree.
The best is always to keep a safe distance, with or without sex, in a relationship or not. I don't recommend living together, I don't recommend occasional sex as a single, I don't recommend marriage.
I sound like I'm only trying to scare You, but I'm giving You the same guidance as the Bible does.
Look up in the Bible about the harlot that snares a man. I wish the Bible would use a different language, but we have to remember that the Bible was written in the cultural settings it was.
I feel I've MISSED OUT on experiencing intercourse and having that fun when I was younger. I've never tried smoking, drugs and never had a desire for alcohol and.
 
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HarborOrange

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You know, women always find ways to ROB men, when You've had sex with them, no matter what. They don't feel any shame in doing so. My life as adult, has always been a struggle to clasp my property. Good thing I have good patience, that's needed, I'll still have to wait many years until I get what I want: a moped-car, all my furniture over (they've been stuck in Helsinki center a few hundred meters from the central station for 4 years now, together with a few Bibles actually), some more of my vehicles fixed, a social life. All due to a vicious woman I should never have started to have sex with her so soon 9½ years ago.
It doesn't help a lot to be Christian. Nowadays that vicious woman plays being Christian, she's confessed to me that she's only kidding and goes to church just to fool everyone so that people regard her higher. She gets all that she wants. Legislation is in favour for her, because she has been constantly lying about me.
NO MATTER at what age You start to have sex, it's impossible to control womens actions against You, to any degree.
The best is always to keep a safe distance, with or without sex, in a relationship or not. I don't recommend living together, I don't recommend occasional sex as a single, I don't recommend marriage.
I sound like I'm only trying to scare You, but I'm giving You the same guidance as the Bible does.
Look up in the Bible about the harlot that snares a man. I wish the Bible would use a different language, but we have to remember that the Bible was written in the cultural settings it was.

Well, somebody's incredibly biased and bitter. Honestly, though I'm only 18 and don't have much wisdom on this topic, I dated a girl a little over a year ago that just ended up becoming a toxic relationship. She wanted to have sex so badly, but I kept saying no. Eventually, she wanted it so badly that she cheated on me. The first time, I forgave her... However, I soon found that she had actually cheated on me, and had sex with, 3 other people (one of whom was a woman, believe it or not.) So, I broke things off with her. She nearly ripped my throat out. I've never been sworn at and treated so terribly in all of my life. She was absolutely furious, and I did nothing wrong whatsoever. I'm so glad I maintained my virginity through it all... Anyway, aside from this, I've been used to gain social status, I've been ditched for other men, I have emotionally deprived myself only to find that the girl didn't care for me at all.
I think I have a lot of reasons to be bitter towards women, even at my young age. However, I have refused to let that change my view of girls. Due to this, I decided to be far more cautious in the girls that I choose for myself. So, I ended up determining that I would choose a good friend of mine, whom I had known very well for slightly over 2 years. We are perfectly compatible for each other, and we have been dating for 9 months now. Honestly, she's changed my entire perception of females.
Nobody has a right to be bitter... Especially males. If anyone deserves to be bitter, it is girls. After all, males rape them, abuse them, use them for pleasure, leave them when the going gets tough... I honestly am disgusted with how males these days treat females. Sure, girls these days are quite fickle and shallow, but aren't men the same?

There are good women out there, they're just hard to find... Just because of one woman, don't give up on it all. Besides, you chose to give her your body anyway, so at one point you found something in her.
 
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Unix

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Feels good to hear that You have been able to make good decisions! That's what this thread is about.

Your situation earlier on, resembles what my ex life was as teenage. Too bad I felt sorry for her for an extended, I shouldn't have. Life isn't always about feeling sorry for others.

I have a good view of women, I just don't want to recommend things that are prooven to fail most times: most people can't live together, most marriages are for no good.

What I'm talking about, is a woman "my ex" who gets what she wants right now by lying, and I don't even mean that aspect about lying about being a real Christian, I mean things that I'm not even gonna mention. Or wait, You want to know? She accuses me for being a lunatic. How come I get to work in a school that has children ages 6-14 if I'm so dangerous?? She doesn't even get money from lying. How come I'm making my GF happy if I'm so horribly to women, etc? Actually I didn't treat my ex that bad, the thing was that we lived in different countries but were married, and that we rushed into making children. Fortunately my ex can't make me and my GF split.

No I didn't, I just thought that I get sex and then have to marry her because sex outside marriage is wrong. It was fun for a while to get children, until about half a year after the divorce when she started lying and getting rights.
Besides, you chose to give her your body anyway, so at one point you found something in her.
 
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HarborOrange

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Feels good to hear that You have been able to make good decisions! That's what this thread is about.

Your situation earlier on, resembles what my ex life was as teenage. Too bad I felt sorry for her for an extended, I shouldn't have. Life isn't always about feeling sorry for others.

I have a good view of women, I just don't want to recommend things that are prooven to fail most times: most people can't live together, most marriages are for no good.

What I'm talking about, is a woman "my ex" who gets what she wants right now by lying, and I don't even mean that aspect about lying about being a real Christian, I mean things that I'm not even gonna mention. Or wait, You want to know? She accuses me for being a lunatic. How come I get to work in a school that has children ages 6-14 if I'm so dangerous?? She doesn't even get money from lying. How come I'm making my GF happy if I'm so horribly to women, etc? Actually I didn't treat my ex that bad, the thing was that we lived in different countries but were married, and that we rushed into making children. Fortunately my ex can't make me and my GF split.

No I didn't, I just thought that I get sex and then have to marry her because sex outside marriage is wrong. It was fun for a while to get children, until about half a year after the divorce when she started lying and getting rights.

Well, I'm glad that you aren't totally bent the wrong way towards all women. Though I have never had sex, and won't until I'm married, I do see where you're coming from. A lot of the girls I know are quite terrible people. They're catty, fickle, destructive, and unfaithful. However, keep in mind, I'm not saying that about all girls. I just am saying that about a majority of the girls who were brought up with the idea that what society has to say is important... Anyway, it sounds like you went through a great deal of conflict and suffering with your ex, and I'm sorry, I really am. I hope that, whatever went on, will never happen to you again. Hopefully you can stay happy with who you're with right now, and everything'll be fine.

But, about your last little paragraph: You're telling me you never ever felt a deep connection with her even though you slept with her? I'm certain that, no matter how much you hate her now, you can't totally say you never felt anything for her. I mean, maybe you can... Maybe I just can't imagine sleeping with a girl I didn't love.
 
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Unix

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The relationship was healthy only twice, for a short while, in the late summer and beginning of autumn 2-3 months after the first time I had sex.And the second time when I rescued the family for homelesness, which was 6 years later.
But, about your last little paragraph: You're telling me you never ever felt a deep connection with her even though you slept with her? I'm certain that, no matter how much you hate her now, you can't totally say you never felt anything for her.
Good that You can't!
I mean, maybe you can... Maybe I just can't imagine sleeping with a girl I didn't love.
 
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Unix, it sounds like you had a bad experience with your ex my friend. There are many women that are like that these days just as there are
many men like this. Unfortunately morals have changed these days and it's ok in our morally relativistic society to have premarital sex. It's a shame that alot of men and women have such a low level of respect for themselves and each other.

I'm a virgin and I'm in my forties and I used to stress about it when I was younger (not because I don't know how to talk to women but because I'm saving myself for marriage and I couldn't be with a woman that didn't share my morals and loves God.

With what I went through with my scrupulosity , it's helped to focus on what's truely no 1 in life and that's the Lord. If God came down right mow and told me I was gonna be virgin until I died do you know what I would tell him? "as long as I make it into your kingdom lord I'm ok with it". Now it would be nice to meet my soulmate but in the grand scheme of things how can any human being be more important than Jesus?
 
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Oh yea guys I found a website that is specifically for virgins meeting virgins , I believe it's run by a married Christian couple who both saved themselves for each other, I'm on my iPod so remind me tomorrow to post the link. Not sure how many members are on it but it might be worth for anyone here looking for that in the opposite sex.
 
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john2190,

You are younger than I and you have done more with women than I have. One could say I've missed out on a lot, or those things come later in life for me than they "should." But really, what "normally" happens is people shack up and break up. It's also unfortunately common for people my age to divorce. Sure, I'd like to get married and enjoy marital love and sex. But I'd rather not have that at all than have a marriage that fails or a toxic live-in situation.
 
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Guys here are the websites I promised :), sorry I was a day late on them.

https://www.weabstain.com/index.php

Online Dating at We Waited

The first one is a website for people of like minded morals, for virgins meeting virgins socially.

The second site is for people that might or might not be virgins but practice abstinance before marriage now.

Hope this helps folks :)
 
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scotty81

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well i'm still a virgin at 31, if it's any consolation the older you get for men the easier it is to deal with I find as the testosterone levels drop.

yes there's a small part of me that feels like I missed out on the "young and in love" phase. It just didn't happen for me and it's something i'll never experience. Maybe though I avoided doing something stupid while being high on teenage inexperience and crazy hormones.

some people "have their fun" then come back to the church. Kind of like the story of the prodigal son, it's hard not to feel like the older brother who stayed home and was diligent.

There are people who are given the gift of abstinence but I also believe there are people who haven't been given it but will stay single because of reasons of their control. desire for intimacy is kind of like an addiction you have to learn to control like alcohol.

The dating scene is very fickle nowdays, you have to be so tall and earn this much and act this way and dress this way and be smart/funny/outgoing blah blah etc. or you'll always be passed over. I've always been friendzoned by females for whatever reason, I don't see this changing so for me my desires are something I have to learn to control since I was not given the gift of abstinence.
 
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john2190

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well i'm still a virgin at 31, if it's any consolation the older you get for men the easier it is to deal with I find as the testosterone levels drop.

yes there's a small part of me that feels like I missed out on the "young and in love" phase. It just didn't happen for me and it's something i'll never experience. Maybe though I avoided doing something stupid while being high on teenage inexperience and crazy hormones.

some people "have their fun" then come back to the church. Kind of like the story of the prodigal son, it's hard not to feel like the older brother who stayed home and was diligent.

There are people who are given the gift of abstinence but I also believe there are people who haven't been given it but will stay single because of reasons of their control. desire for intimacy is kind of like an addiction you have to learn to control like alcohol.

The dating scene is very fickle nowdays, you have to be so tall and earn this much and act this way and dress this way and be smart/funny/outgoing blah blah etc. or you'll always be passed over. I've always been friendzoned by females for whatever reason, I don't see this changing so for me my desires are something I have to learn to control since I was not given the gift of abstinence.

I totally understand what you mean here. And it is something I have thought alot about too. Cos I always thought if I'm single but don't want to be i.e. desire to be married...then God will provide, right? Because he PROMISES to provide and meet all our needs. Yet clearly this hasn't quite happened in my case or your case...not yet anyway.

I'm pleased that you can seem to control those desires and urges but this is why I feel let down by God somewhat. Because part of me feels that despite the fact that I have these desires and urges to want to be with a woman, it's just not happening. I'm just not meeting the right person. I think eventually it is going to lead me to just go out to some bar/club and just try to hook up with women and try my luck that way.

I'm trying my best as I said, going to parties, socials, volunteering at church etc. and yet still just haven't met someone I really click with.
 
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scotty81

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I totally understand what you mean here. And it is something I have thought alot about too. Cos I always thought if I'm single but don't want to be i.e. desire to be married...then God will provide, right? Because he PROMISES to provide and meet all our needs. Yet clearly this hasn't quite happened in my case or your case...not yet anyway.

I'm pleased that you can seem to control those desires and urges but this is why I feel let down by God somewhat. Because part of me feels that despite the fact that I have these desires and urges to want to be with a woman, it's just not happening. I'm just not meeting the right person. I think eventually it is going to lead me to just go out to some bar/club and just try to hook up with women and try my luck that way.

I'm trying my best as I said, going to parties, socials, volunteering at church etc. and yet still just haven't met someone I really click with.

well I've always thought the needs God promised were just physical/spiritual in nature, a partner was just more of a desire since you can live without one.

I don't believe hooking up is the answer to it though cause you want a relationship I presume and not just a one night stand. I know it can seem like the only option but for me I know i'd feel so convicted what I did was wrong that I wouldn't even enjoy it.

All you can do is keep looking and keep putting yourself in those social situations.
 
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