I grew up in a Christian background and family and went to church as long as I can remember. Although I was born in the middle east and lived there for some time and my parents are from south asia, the UK has always felt like home. I made a commitment to Christ I'd say when I was 14 and since then I have lived according to a combination of both Christian values and principles and my rather sheltered upbringing.
I lived a very sheltered life, single sex school right up til I was 18, the only woman I really saw was my mum for all those years, hardly socialised, had a few friends but was bullied at school and picked on by teachers and abused (physically and emotionally) by my father and brother. I was very overprotected spoilt and overworked. I was depressed for sure, probably from the age of about 9 or 10. Then I went to university, where for the first time I was mixing with women, learned how to socialise and make friends properly, party and generally be free. Since then I've had 4 women (plus one I just hooked up with 2 years ago on holiday) that I've been intimate with but never went all the way with any of them. So technically that makes me a virgin because with 2 of these women I've done what's known as outercourse. So I understand I have not been pure in these relationships but am still a virgin in the technical sense.
And so this is my struggle Being a virgin at 28. It has, you could say become such an obsession, almost part of my psyche and identity and I know that that is not good. I always knew growing up that sex is something really special and you should save it for marriage so that's been imprinted into my mind but part of me also thought I would have been married by now and thus obviously having sex. Cos that hasn't happened you can probably understand why I feel so distraught and frustrated over this issue. I feel betrayed and angry and feels like God is against me. Every passing day now it feels more and more painful and feels like God is in some way torturing and punishing me through this seemingly unending struggle as he's denying me something that is special. My theological brain obviously reminds me that this is not true and that God is for us and is good. But I'm so lost and confused. If God provides all our needs and fulfils our desires and so if this is a desire and need that God has put in my heart then, why isn't it being met? It's trying to understand the purpose behind this which is causing me the most grief, whilst knowing it's happened so easily for so many other people. It's one thing to preach don't have sex before marriage but what if you're a man, you reach my age and you're still waiting...?
I feel I've MISSED OUT on experiencing intercourse and having that fun when I was younger. I've never tried smoking, drugs and never had a desire for alcohol and hardly drink but those things have never bothered me. I can easily live the rest of my life knowing that I never had a cigarette or tried drugs...I don't think I'm missing out on those things! But what is it about sex? I guess it's cos it is part of we are, it is a natural, biological desire unlike those other things. But even when I think about my time at college/university I remember that I never had a desire for sex when I was that age either. As I mentioned I came from a very overprotected environment and so at 19 when most guys are thinking about sex and finding a girl to do it with, I was just happy to be around women and talking to them for the first time.
I think the reason why I'm so anxious and so distraught over this issue is and why I'm panicking is because PART OF ME genuinely does believe that I may not meet the right woman which will mean never getting married which then in turn mean never having sex and dying a virgin. And I know that is the most negative, extreme worst case scenario possible to think of! What reinforces that belief is when I see some great single people who are in their 30s and 40s are still single. And I know they would make great husbands or wives and fathers or mothers.
I look at these men and women and it scares me. What if I end up like one of them? What's to say I won't? Because afterall, marriage is no guarantee for everyone. People will always say oh of course you'll meet someone etc. but they don't know that for certain. And yet at the other end, what adds to the frustration and loneliness is seeing friends and other people finding love, getting married etc. Many I knew over the years have reached that stage now.
Being so bothered about not being married, not having sex, not being intimate with someone MUST mean that it is NOT God's will for me to be like this. What do you think? I long for love, companionship and not just sex and I believe that is because God has put those desires within me! Doesn't Jesus say he will give us the desires of our hearts? Did he not say ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find? On the sermon on the mount, Jesus promises us to meet all our needs, like he meets the needs of the birds and the flowers. In Phil 4:19 it says "my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." These promises, right now seem rather empty. I feel very disappointed with God and feel angry that he has not comforted me and provided what is clearly a need in my life (at least the way I see it). I don't want to say this but I have told him I hate him for it and as it feels like he's betrayed me. It's most likely the reason why I find it so difficult to read the bible, go to church and sit through a sermon because my mind is constantly on this issue. I have never really felt close to God or felt his presence to be honest, and now my relationship with him is suffering even more. I know and believe in my mind, God's promises and truths that he is for me, and only wants what's best for me and only wants what is good for me. I understand that things will not always be easy but at the same time this situation just seems to contradict everything I believe about God...that he is good, loving and caring and wants the best for us.
I lived a very sheltered life, single sex school right up til I was 18, the only woman I really saw was my mum for all those years, hardly socialised, had a few friends but was bullied at school and picked on by teachers and abused (physically and emotionally) by my father and brother. I was very overprotected spoilt and overworked. I was depressed for sure, probably from the age of about 9 or 10. Then I went to university, where for the first time I was mixing with women, learned how to socialise and make friends properly, party and generally be free. Since then I've had 4 women (plus one I just hooked up with 2 years ago on holiday) that I've been intimate with but never went all the way with any of them. So technically that makes me a virgin because with 2 of these women I've done what's known as outercourse. So I understand I have not been pure in these relationships but am still a virgin in the technical sense.
And so this is my struggle Being a virgin at 28. It has, you could say become such an obsession, almost part of my psyche and identity and I know that that is not good. I always knew growing up that sex is something really special and you should save it for marriage so that's been imprinted into my mind but part of me also thought I would have been married by now and thus obviously having sex. Cos that hasn't happened you can probably understand why I feel so distraught and frustrated over this issue. I feel betrayed and angry and feels like God is against me. Every passing day now it feels more and more painful and feels like God is in some way torturing and punishing me through this seemingly unending struggle as he's denying me something that is special. My theological brain obviously reminds me that this is not true and that God is for us and is good. But I'm so lost and confused. If God provides all our needs and fulfils our desires and so if this is a desire and need that God has put in my heart then, why isn't it being met? It's trying to understand the purpose behind this which is causing me the most grief, whilst knowing it's happened so easily for so many other people. It's one thing to preach don't have sex before marriage but what if you're a man, you reach my age and you're still waiting...?
I feel I've MISSED OUT on experiencing intercourse and having that fun when I was younger. I've never tried smoking, drugs and never had a desire for alcohol and hardly drink but those things have never bothered me. I can easily live the rest of my life knowing that I never had a cigarette or tried drugs...I don't think I'm missing out on those things! But what is it about sex? I guess it's cos it is part of we are, it is a natural, biological desire unlike those other things. But even when I think about my time at college/university I remember that I never had a desire for sex when I was that age either. As I mentioned I came from a very overprotected environment and so at 19 when most guys are thinking about sex and finding a girl to do it with, I was just happy to be around women and talking to them for the first time.
I think the reason why I'm so anxious and so distraught over this issue is and why I'm panicking is because PART OF ME genuinely does believe that I may not meet the right woman which will mean never getting married which then in turn mean never having sex and dying a virgin. And I know that is the most negative, extreme worst case scenario possible to think of! What reinforces that belief is when I see some great single people who are in their 30s and 40s are still single. And I know they would make great husbands or wives and fathers or mothers.
I look at these men and women and it scares me. What if I end up like one of them? What's to say I won't? Because afterall, marriage is no guarantee for everyone. People will always say oh of course you'll meet someone etc. but they don't know that for certain. And yet at the other end, what adds to the frustration and loneliness is seeing friends and other people finding love, getting married etc. Many I knew over the years have reached that stage now.
Being so bothered about not being married, not having sex, not being intimate with someone MUST mean that it is NOT God's will for me to be like this. What do you think? I long for love, companionship and not just sex and I believe that is because God has put those desires within me! Doesn't Jesus say he will give us the desires of our hearts? Did he not say ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find? On the sermon on the mount, Jesus promises us to meet all our needs, like he meets the needs of the birds and the flowers. In Phil 4:19 it says "my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." These promises, right now seem rather empty. I feel very disappointed with God and feel angry that he has not comforted me and provided what is clearly a need in my life (at least the way I see it). I don't want to say this but I have told him I hate him for it and as it feels like he's betrayed me. It's most likely the reason why I find it so difficult to read the bible, go to church and sit through a sermon because my mind is constantly on this issue. I have never really felt close to God or felt his presence to be honest, and now my relationship with him is suffering even more. I know and believe in my mind, God's promises and truths that he is for me, and only wants what's best for me and only wants what is good for me. I understand that things will not always be easy but at the same time this situation just seems to contradict everything I believe about God...that he is good, loving and caring and wants the best for us.