Do parents ever dare question?

I think I'm pretty qualified to respond since I have six kids, all mostly grown now, young adults. There is definitely some truth in what you're saying, it can be very, very difficult at times. For me, for years I always had two or three of them in diapers at the same time, I'd get very little sleep, etc, etc. And then there's the constant worrying over them and their choices, do you discipline in some way, do you let that go, did I do the right thing, how do I teach them this or that? The only time they're sweet and innocent is when they're infants.

Having said all that, I completely adore all my kids and I'm proud of them. Now it seems like those years went very quickly, but it didn't seem that way when I was in it. I feel that most of my kids don't appreciate all I did for them and they pretty much take me for granted. They range in age from 17 to 27, three boys and three girls. I've heard, though, that when they're older they'll appreciate me more and want to be with me more. I guess I can look forward to that day.

Today I think parents, at least mothers, feel quite free to share how hard parenting can be. Sometimes I think they feel a little too free. We all need people and places where we can fully vent, but not to everyone, everywhere.

Thank you, Galadriel, I'm glad somebody admires me!!! I didn't set out to have that many kids, it just sorta happened that way, haha!!

I think it depends who you are talking to. I have friends that I will tell about my struggles because I know they can help me in my struggles. I have other friends that I won't because I don't think they'd understand.

I am really grateful to my mom for being honest with me about how hard parenting is-right from labour lol.

Galadriel said:

Sometimes I wonder if with parents, if it isn't almost like a "taboo" kind of thing to really admit how tough having kids can be sometimes. When mothers get together and chat about their kids, do they vent this stuff, or is it kept all hush hush (the nitty gritty of having kids)??

So many people and articles/readings seem to glorify all the good points of having kids, how much of a blessing (which I am sure they can be), how they are innocent and sweet and on and on.

I wonder how many parents out there would feel relief if they felt they could express how really hard it can be sometimes and if they felt they could (gasp!) express doubt about the whole being a parent thing (as in did I make the right choice)?

Click to expand...

My sister has no problem letting me know how hard it is raising her boys. She adores them and is so glad she has them. But it's definitely hard. She's said a number of times that she completely understands why we chose not to have kids. She even defends us to people who judge us for it.

I defend people who decide not to have kids, too. FOA,there is no law that says anyone HAS to have kids. People who judge others for this are ridiculous. It is very hard raising kids, esp in this day & age, heaven help us all. I totally understand why someone would not want to have kids.

I've definitely found this to be true in my circles. Nobody really talks about the hard stuff. They may talk about little issues that come up like babies teething or sleepless nights, but nobody ever talks about the emotional toll having kids takes on you. It was such a huge shock for me. I knew there would be hard times but I couldn't imagine just how hard those would be. To be perfectly honest (and this has completely shocked my mom friends) if somebody had given me a realistic idea of just how hard parenting was before I'd had kids, it actually would have put me off having kids altogether.

I think part of the issue is that moms are afraid to talk about the deep stuff because they are afraid it will make them look like a bad mother. I've told a couple of new moms that some days parenting just plain sucks and if they want a shoulder to cry on I'm there.

dorig59 said:

I defend people who decide not to have kids, too. FOA,there is no law that says anyone HAS to have kids. People who judge others for this are ridiculous. It is very hard raising kids, esp in this day & age, heaven help us all. I totally understand why someone would not want to have kids.

Click to expand...

I've done the same thing a few times. I think especially in Christian circles it seems to be a hard thing to get your head around. Couples not wanting to have kids is a foreign concept when most people in the church get married and have kids. I've heard it from the pulpit, although not quite so bluntly, that not wanting kids is wrong and sadly that kind of thinking just seems to be a part of church culture.

Yes, but I don't know if trying to tell people of the emotional toll and how hard it is would really sway them. Maybe a few....but people without kids really cannot understand the true depth of what we're talking about, plus a lot of people secretly think "Oh, it won't be bad with my kids because I'll do better than she did", that sort of thing. You know?

And, btw, being that you're only 27 I would imagine your kids are still pretty young. Hate to tell you this, but the emotional toll gets waaaay worse as they get older. It's not even just a teenager thing anymore, I think it starts at least by age 10 with girls for sure. Sorry, friend!

Bless you Jilly and dorig.

Yes, I think that has a lot to do with it Jilly, mothers being afraid of the 'bad mother' epithet if they talk about their struggles.

Galadriel said:

Sometimes I wonder if with parents, if it isn't almost like a "taboo" kind of thing to really admit how tough having kids can be sometimes. When mothers get together and chat about their kids, do they vent this stuff, or is it kept all hush hush (the nitty gritty of having kids)??

Click to expand...

In our parish, they all talk about birth and c-section stories. I don't know if that counts as venting. One thing I learned though, if you ever want to see a woman naked, no need to get her drunk, just ask her how the birth went and she'll provide all the visuals necessary to tell the story in great detail, right down to making sure everyone gets a chance to comment on the c-section scar, or how her vaginal muscles aren't what they used to be.

I guess it's kinda like battle scars for men. Like if you do a jump off a half pipe and land it wrong. Or those two guys who went bmx bike jousting. And then you're with your buds and you show them where the joust hit you.

I figure it must be the same for women and giving birth. Like when they pull down their trousers and show you the bruise on their bum and they're like, "This is where I got a bed sore from laying in bed all day." And all the other women sort of nod to each-other very seriously, like they have the medical knowledge to agree with everything the doctor said.

Sorry, my experience with women must have been a little off. Maybe younger women aren't like that. But I've learned to avoid women at parties. All they ever want to do is talk about giving birth and incurable diseases.

And yes, that was an over generalization thank you so generally much.

There probably are parents who do sometimes complain about having kids but you never see much of them...they kind of...disappear.

Oh, but I'm not saying anything. Don't mind me. Kids are great, I mean, who wouldn't want not to have them?


psst
Rumor has it, the grumpy ones are sent to work in the diaper mines. Either that or get coffee for the e-trade baby.

Having said all that, I completely adore all my kids and I'm proud of them

Click to expand...

That's what they all say--It's just like the jerk of a husband who turns into a saint the minute he dies. (They complain the whole time they are growing up-then they b/c saints)

I never wanted children, Any time I my cycle was late it was like "please God don't let me be pregnant" I used every kind of B Control devise/pill they made, the "I guess we'll never have any grandchildren" bunch were told nicely to adopt some if they wanted em, or something more when they kept it up. I will not bear the weight of fullfilling "Their" dreams-I never wanted to be a mommy or a maid, & see nothing wrong with it.

I'd like to know about the next logical step in the questioning. Do parents ever come to regret their decision? I mean, I know everyone has momentary doubts and regrets, but I mean overall, decide they really shouldn't have had kids but now it's too late?

I read a book, called "No Kids: 40 Reasons not to have children." It was written by someone who had children, and after they moved out decided to tell everyone how much she wished she didn't have them. She insisted they were fine kids, who grew up to be great adults, but she just wished she hadn't taken most of her life to do that, and had pursued other things instead.

Of course, she was demonized by basically everyone in France, but it makes me wonder. She can't be unique in that sentiment, but it is basically the largest taboo out there to say you regret your children.

Better to regret NOT having them than to Regret having done so, Few parents are willing to admit they wish they had not gotten into that deal, but the fruits are evident (leaving babies on church steps, abortion, adpotion or Worse-leaving them to their own devices & to become societies problems) all over the place.

Personally I'm over 50 & never had the experience of pregnancy & so far no regrets &
no plans to have any.

Umaro said:

I'd like to know about the next logical step in the questioning. Do parents ever come to regret their decision? I mean, I know everyone has momentary doubts and regrets, but I mean overall, decide they really shouldn't have had kids but now it's too late?

I read a book, called "No Kids: 40 Reasons not to have children." It was written by someone who had children, and after they moved out decided to tell everyone how much she wished she didn't have them. She insisted they were fine kids, who grew up to be great adults, but she just wished she hadn't taken most of her life to do that, and had pursued other things instead.

Of course, she was demonized by basically everyone in France, but it makes me wonder. She can't be unique in that sentiment, but it is basically the largest taboo out there to say you regret your children.

Click to expand...

As it should be. What a horrible thing to do to your kids!
The problem I see there is not that she had kids, but that she refused to really grow up, even after having raised them. I can only imagine the damage she's done to her children having done that. Parenting does mean a whole lot of selflessness. Maybe more than we who are without kids could probably even really imagine. I find it maddening when parents decide to be so hurtful to their own kids. It's just wrong. But we live in a world that more and more celebrates selfishness, to a point where I recently even came across an article about a woman who decided to abandon her kids and divorce her husband in order to pursue her career because that made her happier. And she was praised for it!

desmalia said:

As it should be. What a horrible thing to do to your kids!
The problem I see there is not that she had kids, but that she refused to really grow up, even after having raised them. I can only imagine the damage she's done to her children having done that. Parenting does mean a whole lot of selflessness. Maybe more than we who are without kids could probably even really imagine. I find it maddening when parents decide to be so hurtful to their own kids. It's just wrong. But we live in a world that more and more celebrates selfishness, to a point where I recently even came across an article about a woman who decided to abandon her kids and divorce her husband in order to pursue her career because that made her happier. And she was praised for it!

Click to expand...

You've got no disagreements here that it was a terrible thing to say to her children. I completely understand why it's a taboo, but that doesn't mean the feeling of regret can't still be there.

That woman who wrote the book could have just stayed quiet, and lived out the rest of her life without any of us knowing she wasn't just a normal parent, but she would have still had that deep regret. It's not like she could help feeling "I really wish I had done something else with my life instead of parenthood." What are you expecting her to do? Just grin and bear it? Keep up the charade that everyone who become a parent loves it?

Realistically, there have to be at least some parents that do decide they regret it. We've all made bad choices before, and there's no reason why having kids can't fall under that category for some people.

I also find your "refused to grow up" stance somewhat insulting. She was a fine mother, and she raised the kids just like anyone else would, with love and care. She just didn't enjoy it. It's like you can be the best office worker around, but still hate what you do for a living. The solution isn't to "grow up" and like office work just like everyone else, it's to realize that maybe office work isn't what you should be doing with your life. I for one am glad she wrote that (best selling) book. Even if this one parent did hurt her children some, it might just prevent other people who don't want kids but are being pressured into it by family/spouses to reach the right decision for them.

Umaro said:

You've got no disagreements here that it was a terrible thing to say to her children. I completely understand why it's a taboo, but that doesn't mean the feeling of regret can't still be there.

Click to expand...

I agree that feeling can still be there. Feelings are feelings. It's what you do with them that matters.

Umaro said:

That woman who wrote the book could have just stayed quiet, and lived out the rest of her life without any of us knowing she wasn't just a normal parent, but she would have still had that deep regret. It's not like she could help feeling "I really wish I had done something else with my life instead of parenthood." What are you expecting her to do? Just grin and bear it? Keep up the charade that everyone who become a parent loves it?

Click to expand...

Actually the better thing to do would have been to take stock of her life and count her blessings, realizing her life was not so horribly ruined by having kids. Life is hard, and yes we all end up with regrets. But there are productive ways to deal with that and unproductive ones. She found a way to make some money off a book, which maybe she considers productive. I don't. She's essentially found a way to celebrate her pity party and selfishness.

Umaro said:

Realistically, there have to be at least some parents that do decide they regret it. We've all made bad choices before, and there's no reason why having kids can't fall under that category for some people.

Click to expand...

Totally agree. But there are appropriate places and ways to work through that. This isn't one of them, IMHO. Not to mention, how many parents who are having regrets might just use a book like this as an excuse to abandon their kids? If it's even one, that's too many.

Umaro said:

I also find your "refused to grow up" stance somewhat insulting.

Click to expand...

Well I think that's OK in the right circumstances. I find the whole idea of her writing that book insulting.

Umaro said:

She was a fine mother, and she raised the kids just like anyone else would, with love and care. She just didn't enjoy it.

Click to expand...

See, but this defends my point as well. She should be proud of her accomplishments. She should be proud of her kids and be thankful for all the blessings that her life raising kids has brought her even though life didn't unfold exactly as she has planned. Her attitude needs a serious adjustment.

Umaro said:

It's like you can be the best office worker around, but still hate what you do for a living. The solution isn't to "grow up" and like office work just like everyone else, it's to realize that maybe office work isn't what you should be doing with your life.

Click to expand...

Now, I never said anything about just deciding you like something you don't like. But often in times when we do have jobs we can't stand (and I've had many!) we also need to remember the big picture of how blessed we are to even have employment at all. Really getting that helps to open our eyes to the good things we are taking for granted so we stop feeling quite so sorry for ourselves. What a great book she might have been able to produce if she ever did adjust her attitude. She could have been an inspiration for parents who are struggling with regret, helping them find a better perspective, instead of embracing a destructive attitude.

Umaro said:

I for one am glad she wrote that (best selling) book. Even if this one parent did hurt her children some, it might just prevent other people who don't want kids but are being pressured into it by family/spouses to reach the right decision for them.

Click to expand...

See, I think there are far better ways to accomplish that than someone hurting her kids.

I understand as well as anyone in this forum the pressures put on by parents, friends, etc. to have kids. And I know people who regret having kids too. I see it in how they live day to day. And I have no doubt their kids know it on some level, which is quite devastating. But just having someone to point to who regretted having kids is really kinda pointless. I mean, I know people who never wanted kids, ended up having an "oops" and are now happier than they've ever been and so glad they have kids. They're just other people's experiences in the end.