Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get better

[HoneyBee]

I have a dissociative disorder that alters my personal beliefs greatly. It's gotten to a point where I get a sort of mental whiplash from how often and sudden my shifts in beliefs happen. I wish I were just being dramatic and making this up, but I have been going through this for almost ten years now with no end in sight...

Sometimes it almost throws me into a state of despair, making me wonder if I will ever get any better mentally. Maybe this is just my current episode talking, but I honestly wonder if God will ever heal me of this disorder, stemming from an entire childhood and adolescence of severe abuse. I've tried medication and therapy, but it doesn't seem to help.

But I think what bothers me the most is wondering if God will forgive me for my mental health episodes, where I will sometimes turn my back on Him or sometimes veer into another direction, religiously speaking. I want to say that it's not my fault, but what if God doesn't see it that way? I worry that I'm going to Hell because of this awful mental illness that won't go away. I just want God to know how much I love him and how sorry I am for every single mental health episode that I experience. I just wish I could be normal so I could follow Him in the best way possible, you know?

Sorry to sound so pessimistic. I'm just really struggling with this.

 

[Unqualified]

If you were to fight it what would you do, what would be your goals? Then, keep at it.
With the help of God who gives the increase you can stand at the end of the day and
be proud of Him and you.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I have a dissociative disorder that alters my personal beliefs greatly. It's gotten to a point where I get a sort of mental whiplash from how often and sudden my shifts in beliefs happen. I wish I were just being dramatic and making this up, but I have been going through this for almost ten years now with no end in sight...

Sometimes it almost throws me into a state of despair, making me wonder if I will ever get any better mentally. Maybe this is just my current episode talking, but I honestly wonder if God will ever heal me of this disorder, stemming from an entire childhood and adolescence of severe abuse. I've tried medication and therapy, but it doesn't seem to help.

But I think what bothers me the most is wondering if God will forgive me for my mental health episodes, where I will sometimes turn my back on Him or sometimes veer into another direction, religiously speaking. I want to say that it's not my fault, but what if God doesn't see it that way? I worry that I'm going to Hell because of this awful mental illness that won't go away. I just want God to know how much I love him and how sorry I am for every single mental health episode that I experience. I just wish I could be normal so I could follow Him in the best way possible, you know?

Sorry to sound so pessimistic. I'm just really struggling with this.

This is a testimony to your love for the Lord your King. He knows your heart so be in peace. Blessings.

 

[HoneyBee]

@Unqualified @Maria Billingsley Thank you both for your words of encouragement. I really do appreciate them.

To answer Unqualified's question, I've been thinking a lot about what I could do to keep fighting the good fight. In the end, I think what I should do is continue to seek God's help and support. At the same time, I think I should continue monitoring my mental health to look for signs of an episode and resolve them prior to them becoming a bigger problem than they can already be. And while I'm in this current episode, I think trying to slow things down with prayer and meditation would be a very good idea. Taking a moment to take a breath would probably be in my best interest, all things considered, because when I don't take a second to breathe, everything continues to go very quickly around me.

 

[Unqualified]

@Unqualified @Maria Billingsley Thank you both for your words of encouragement. I really do appreciate them.

To answer Unqualified's question, I've been thinking a lot about what I could do to keep fighting the good fight. In the end, I think what I should do is continue to seek God's help and support. At the same time, I think I should continue monitoring my mental health to look for signs of an episode and resolve them prior to them becoming a bigger problem than they can already be. And while I'm in this current episode, I think trying to slow things down with prayer and meditation would be a very good idea. Taking a moment to take a breath would probably be in my best interest, all things considered, because when I don't take a second to breathe, everything continues to go very quickly around me.

Yes to me that’s fighting. Staying in the true perceptions and not letting your mind run off and change. Use the scriptures and anything else to demand your mind stay. It takes work. That part of the mind will not change. But you can develop a fully aware, healthy safe place to dwell with Christ, with less and less succumbing to the distraction it makes. It’s like training your mind to override those reactions to your life.
It bears fruit.

 

[eleos1954]

I have a dissociative disorder that alters my personal beliefs greatly. It's gotten to a point where I get a sort of mental whiplash from how often and sudden my shifts in beliefs happen. I wish I were just being dramatic and making this up, but I have been going through this for almost ten years now with no end in sight...

Sometimes it almost throws me into a state of despair, making me wonder if I will ever get any better mentally. Maybe this is just my current episode talking, but I honestly wonder if God will ever heal me of this disorder, stemming from an entire childhood and adolescence of severe abuse. I've tried medication and therapy, but it doesn't seem to help.

But I think what bothers me the most is wondering if God will forgive me for my mental health episodes, where I will sometimes turn my back on Him or sometimes veer into another direction, religiously speaking. I want to say that it's not my fault, but what if God doesn't see it that way? I worry that I'm going to Hell because of this awful mental illness that won't go away. I just want God to know how much I love him and how sorry I am for every single mental health episode that I experience. I just wish I could be normal so I could follow Him in the best way possible, you know?

Sorry to sound so pessimistic. I'm just really struggling with this.

We all stumble/struggle .... God knows everything .... begin everyday a new with Him .... when something is brought to your mind that is disturbing .... and you are led to repentance (need of forgiveness) go to Him and accept His forgiveness .... give it to God and don't take it back .... if the same thing happens again .... go to God again.

God knows our struggles and knows our heart/minds. None of us are "normal" ... that's why Jesus died for us .... none of us will be "totally normal" (as created before sin entered into the world) until He returns .... yet we are to persevere .... sounds like to me you are persevering ... and very much so.

Romans 5:1-21​

Praying the Lord will bring peace to your mind. In Jesus name .... amen.

 

[Unqualified]

Stay close to the Lord @HoneyBee