Sleeping together, quite literally

gratienpatrick said:

Hey..

Well, I don't know. I have a serious long term girlfriend, and we love each other, we're thinking about getting engaged eventually and stuff like that, right? So we sleep together (the way you put it, not having sex), every now and then.

We'll be like watching a movie, and fall asleep in each others arms sort of stuff, or whatever. Stuff like that.

Well I used to think that stuff was fine, no problem at all, because it didn't make me think about sex at, that wasn't even part of the equation. I wasn't worried at all about being tempted into having sex, and neither was she, and that's never been a problem.

So it seemed fine, because we're not having sex or even coming close to that, right?
Well... it would be fine, if it was just us, probably... but there's other people involved, too. People who look up to us. My brother.
Let's pretend that he finds out I spent the whole night with my girlfriend. I'll tell him "It's okay, we didn't have sex". And he'll probably believe me. But, then what if he gets a girlfriend, and he's like "Well, it's okay for us to spend the whole night together, because my brother did", and then he does it, but then he ends up having more trouble with temptation? Then he might end up having sex, and it would pretty much be my fault, because it was my example he followed that led him to fall, even though I didn't do anything really that wrong.

I don't know. I used to think that sort of stuff was totally okay, but now I'm not so sure.

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That's really cool of you to think of your brother and the kind of example you are setting. I would really hope I would do the same if I had a younger sister but don't know that I truly would.

Like someone here said it's playing with fire. Yeah, there's nothing wrong but you're putting yourself in a dangerous spot.

Is there anything wrong with standing in a club?
Is there anything wrong pulling the handle of a slot machine a few times for fun?
Is there anything wrong with drinking alcohol?

No, no, and no BUT BE VERY CAREFUL. It may not be wrong doing little things but they are pavements to bigger things, in your case, intimacy and then possibly sex.

I'm sure you do feel some guilt otherwise you would have not posted this but, I could be wrong.. just remember what some of us said and consider them. Pray to God and always go with the safer side if you're not sure.

It may sound weird, but I find it easier to avoid the temptation to have sex when we (literally) sleep together.

I absolutely hate how Christians seem to have this idea that those who have sex outside of marriage do so purely out of lust. That's simply not always the case. It's the closeness that my boyfriend and I crave, not neccesarily the pleasure (though that's definitely a factor).

So we find that if we starve ourselves of any physical closeness, it becomes harder to avoid sex.

However I must say that the opposite may occur for a couple who hasn't already had sex. It was because we slept together occasionally that we were able to have sex - we had this huge stretch of time where we were completely alone, and we went a little further each time because there was nothing stopping us.

God's commandment is to flee from temptation... from anything that could potentially drive us to sin, and doing such a thing is playing with fire. I don't think that Jesus would be doing that in your situation.

This is tough, as I deal with the same thing with my BF.
But what we have desided is that we should do what we feel is right, and others should do as they feel is right. and not judge each other.
If falling asleep on the couch doesn't make it hard for you or your BF to stay pure, mind and body. then I see no problem with you doing it.
on the other hand if you or he has little sisters or brothers that might be tempted in the same situation then you shouldn't do it.
If they think it's ok to fall asleep with their boy/girl friend, but they're weaker sexually then you should be doing things to encourage them not to get themselves into a situation they'd find hard.

If you have prayed about it, and don't feel it's wrong then do it.
But! if you have prayed about it and you're still unsettled about it then I suggest you don't do it anymore.

Personally, I don't see a problem with it.

Assisi said:

I don't think it's a good idea to share a bed (albeit in this case a couch) because it does set a bad example, it will lead to temptation, and like Leanna said - sleeping together is something special for marriage.

If your boyfriend stays at your family home too late to drive safely home, why can't he sleep on the couch in the living room, or in a spare room while you sleep in your room?

I know it's hard, but sacrifices like this are part of the Christian walk. It will be of great benefit to your future marriage if you make these sacrifices now.

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please show me where in the bible it says that sleeping in the same bed/couch is sacred and should be saved for marriage. my husband and i slept in the same bed from the time that we met until now (we're married). neither of us were virgins, but we didn't have sex with each other until our wedding night. it's just not that big of a deal.

You just need to study scripture and pray about it. Follow your convictions. I believe that sleeping together on the couch could be wrong for some people and not wrong for others, it completely depends on motives and such. Listen to God, if you feel any conviction then you know that it's wrong and you shouldn't be doing it. If you feel like you're completely in the right, then go for it. However, the fact that you're asking kind of tells me that you may have felt some sort of conviction already, so maybe it's best to refrain from that.

You also need to be careful not to ignore conviction. I did that when I was with my ex, I felt my first conviction when we started kissing for long periods of time. It was completely pure (at first) but I still felt guilty. However, I couldn't figure out why I felt guilty cause I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong, I didn't feel any sexual tension or anything, so I ignored the conviction. Later on, the kissing led to a lot more (not that I ever had sex with him, we did a lot of compromising) and I see now why I felt the conviction. The problem was after I started ignoring conviction, I stopped feeling any and that's why things got so far. Pay attention to what God is telling you. So while making out may not be wrong for everyone, I definitely felt God telling me it was wrong for me and I chose to ignore the conviction. Not a good idea...the sexual compromise ended up causing a LOT of problems in our relationship and we ended up ending it over that, really unfortunate.

Just be careful.

Not really a temptation for me...I've had too many chances elsewhere and have thought it over too many times for a "sleepover" to make me give into temptation. I don't see what's wrong with it (as in it being wrong so therefore wrong for everyone)...although some of my family disagrees. Oh well...

Mercytalking said:

Is it wrong to have a sleepover with your boyfriend, if the two of you fall asleep to a movie while sharing a blanket on the couch instead of a bed and the only pajamas involved are t-shirts and windpants? There's nothing sexual at all, its just that we don't get to see each other every day and we have a hard time saying good-bye at the end of the night.

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You can bond very well cuddling and sleeping beside someone If you are not tempted to sex and don't want pre-marital sex, then I see nothing wrong with what you are doing.

I think it depends. I normally would say no to myself even doing that, but with the guy I am with now, it hasn't been an issue. Though we don't happen to do so very often cause we get up early for work lol. I think if something's a temptation then it is good to flee from it.

Hey guys, I want to challenge you: Where are your hearts?

In the American Evangelical church we have impressed upon our youth this "don't have sex until you are married" which is totally bogus and misleading. Don't get me wrong, I think it is absolutely wrong to have sex before you are married, but how is that physical intimacy different than sleeping, cuddled together, in the same better? Physically it is not different, but emotionally it essentially is. Heavy kissing? Would your future husband or wife, assuming it is NOT the person you are kissing, feel displeasure at how you are behaving with your current girlfriend/boyfriend? Would knowing that your current girlfriend spent many years sleeping with another man, his arms wrapped around her in love? You've got to be insane not to be jealous of that! Remember fellas (as I'm a fella I'll talk to ya'll), that woman is a daughter of the most high God. Would you be sleeping with her in the same way if her father were sitting in the seat next to that couch? Marriage does not just mean sex. It means intimacy, which sex is a part of, but deeper than just the physical act. If you feel you are emotionally married to that person, you might need to take a step back.

Personally I had no problem with my GF being intimate with guys before we started dating.

Matorin said:

Hey guys, I want to challenge you: Where are your hearts?

In the American Evangelical church we have impressed upon our youth this "don't have sex until you are married" which is totally bogus and misleading. Don't get me wrong, I think it is absolutely wrong to have sex before you are married, but how is that physical intimacy different than sleeping, cuddled together, in the same better? Physically it is not different, but emotionally it essentially is. Heavy kissing? Would your future husband or wife, assuming it is NOT the person you are kissing, feel displeasure at how you are behaving with your current girlfriend/boyfriend? Would knowing that your current girlfriend spent many years sleeping with another man, his arms wrapped around her in love? You've got to be insane not to be jealous of that! Remember fellas (as I'm a fella I'll talk to ya'll), that woman is a daughter of the most high God. Would you be sleeping with her in the same way if her father were sitting in the seat next to that couch? Marriage does not just mean sex. It means intimacy, which sex is a part of, but deeper than just the physical act. If you feel you are emotionally married to that person, you might need to take a step back.

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How is it bogus and misleading? It's written in Romans that we should avoid fornication which, dictionary definition, means sex outside of marriage. So how is them saying "Do not have sex outside marriage" misleading?

Also, how can you possibly compare sex with hugging? When did hugging mean procreation? Never. Sexual union is unlike any other union.

It also helps when you dont care about others opinions that are non useful and you think analytically about the situation. Why do you not see him that often? I think people (christians) have completely lost their minds when it comes to "pre-marrital" sex. First of all fornication is a mistranslation of inappropriate contenteia which was more in reference to prostitutes in OT times, so there goes that argument. Creating sexual frustration for you and your mate is silly if you intend to be together just becuase you dont have a piece of paper from the state, what do you think people did before there was state paper work .....

explodingboy said:

As to all the playing with fire, honestly if you just want to cuddle up, there probobly isn't any fire or smoke to worry about.

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I know I can't be the only one who having his girlfriend close to him, close enough you can feel her breathing and feel her warmth, gets him aroused.

I'm with the general consensus of this being dangerous territory. My girlfriend and I currently have an ocean to separate us. When I'm in Seoul, you know, that's no problem, there's a plethora of accomodations to choose from, thus keeping me away from her apartment.

However, she's coming here over Thanksgiving, and in this small town, the lodging situations are scant and ridiculously expensive compared to what I could find in Korea. She doesn't make a ton of money, pays her own bills, helps her mom with her bills (since she lives with her mom, and she's disabled), so she's fortunate enough that she can afford airfare here. So it has become insanely difficult for us planning her time over here.

I had literally considered just cohabitating for the time she's here and pray nothing happens. It sounded ludicrous, and I knew it did, so I nixed that idea, there had to be something better. I know myself, even having that 24/7 temptation would be too much, even if nothing did happen, and I think she would be clearheaded enough to show restratint. (Note: THINK).

So I was told later by a friend at church that not only would she help me find a host to let her stay within my church, but if push came to shove, she might be able to let her stay at her house. Also, if none of those options worked, I could also just let her stay at my place, and drive 30 minutes to my mom's house for the time she's here.

I just went into a huge spiel on my situation, but honestly, I can't see much good coming out of this. And coming from a guy, I wouldn't fully trust even the most honest, charming, or Godly guy in that situation if I was a woman. Look, I know what guys think and feel. And all it takes is that one spark for a guy to make a stupid mistake.

If you get too close to the fire, you will get burned.

My boyfriend and I have slept in the same bed (or couch) on 3 separate occasions. One time, he was visiting me at the same time that my family was, and my dad got the only couch. We both slept in my bed then (and my dad knew about it, and didn't seem to mind). The second time and third times, we were on a road trip where we were already spending a lot of money, so didn't want to pay for separate hotel rooms. It never lead to anything, and I don't see anything wrong with it. It's all a matter of self-control, really.

I must agree with those who've said you're playing with fire, but I'd also like to explain why, because this filters into so many things other than just temptation and having sex.
Being a Christian involves, amongst other things, calling other people to Christ. The only way to do that is by being an expample that they can follow. In as much as your walk with Christ is not about other people, you must make sure you don't let your good be spoken of as evil, or that you be a stumbling block to others.

With regards to drawing the line... it's shaky when it gets to the margin, when things aren't co clear cut. This is because our feelings tend to override what is right. I mean I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now (God-willingly we'll be engaged SOON!!), and this was a struggle for us too, because the more I got to know him, the more time I wanted to spend with him... which meant sleep overs. But we decided to stop those (which still today, is very difficult) because sin was creeping in and taking over.

One of the other reasons why we stopped is because we decided that our actions must align themselves with our doctrine- which is to serve Jesus Christ FULLY... meaning that we can't let emotions get into the way of our service. There are many things we have to sacrifice in pursuing righteousness. But also, we wait in the hope that God will reward us at many stages for running the race, with gifts such as marriage. In marriage, you will seek advice from nobody about sleepovers (no guessing why??)

Basically, as much as it may be for you to decide, take into consideration what it promotes about being in Christ, and if it may cause somebody else to struggle. Yes, it's not about others, but with Christ, it tends to involve others a lot!! And also, watch and pray that you don't fall into temptation... because when you love somebody, it's almost natural to want more for and FROM them. I think God knew this, that is why he designed marriage to solve all these problems. Talk to your boyfriend about it as well. Make sure you study the Word as well so you can be in a position to hear the Spirit speak (whether through others or revelation), so your heart may be at rest about it.