My dad has problems again

[Michie]

I can't decide who is right, me or my brother.

My brother is emotional about his desire for my dad to see his house one last time again and hence bring him home for hospice. I have also been emotional about that same desire but also feel that I probably can't undertake the enormity of the task, but my brother insists that it won't be that long anyway. It would help me avoid Medicaid, at least, and hence going to a charged consultation/courthouse for guardianship that probably won't even last a few days, or even one day - that's how it's looking. I'm worried about upsetting my brother (he's the most pushy person I've seen, even though there may be worse people in that department), but I also want to look at all the facts (during the next "care conference" as they call it) and see what it entails for me. I can't decide whether or not to be upset at my brother, because while he and I both are emotional over wanting dad to be home (with his loved one) for the final time, I don't think/know if I can handle the kind of level of care that it would require of me.

Lady Bug- imo your brother is concerned about the money. He did not help with your mother and he will not help with your dad. Continue with the professionals. Do not listen to your brother. Yes it would be nice if he could come home with the proper care. But it’s pretty much going to be all on you. Is your dad aware enough at this point to care? This is just my opinion of course and you all can decide what’s best. But I’ve learned everything sounds good in theory until reality hits and who is going to be there to help you with that reality? Your brother’s ideas and advise have always been a problem. Continue with the meetings. If nothing else, for educational purposes. Continued prayers for all of you.

 

[Lady Bug]

Lady Bug- imo your brother is concerned about the money. He did not help with your mother and he will not help with your dad. Continue with the professionals. Do not listen to your brother. Yes it would be nice if he could come home with the proper care. But it’s pretty much going to be all on you. Is your dad aware enough at this point to care? This is just my opinion of course and you all can decide what’s best of course. But I’ve learned everything sounds good in theory until reality hits and who is going to be there to help you with that reality? Your brother’s ideas and advise have always been a problem. Continue with the meetings. If nothing else, for educational purposes. Continued prayers for all of you.

I actually agree with you 100% and I'm like, here we go with everyone else except the one closest to him have to chime in and tell me what's best for me. Since I'm typing on phone, I'll elaborate more on the laptop since it's easier to type on that.

 

[Lady Bug]

PS I am devastated that my dad is not home but I can't assume the kinds of responsibilities that would be enforced on me. It would also be literally illegal for me to leave the house with him alone in it (causing me extreme isolation, which is detrimental to my extreme need to talk to people in person about money/job concerns), but I'm not open to most people coming in. Very rare exceptions like the hospice professionals, however their visits are simply not enough.

 

[Lady Bug]

My brother's pushiness is exacerbating my grief process too.

 

[Lady Bug]

I wish that my brother did not have complete power to sell the house (per the will). He will easily see this is a money-making opportunity (there are a couple major reasons this house probably won't sell in its current condition, but on top of that, I have nowhere to go, and if I did have somewhere to go, I want to live close to two parishes that are near me right now that I like). This is a disaster. He's so obsessed with money that he told me to ask the Church for a loan. I can't ask for a loan because I don't have the wherewithal to pay it back. Also, my brother keeps getting loan upon loan upon loan. He doesn't seem to think to make money instead.

 

[Michie]

I wish that my brother did not have complete power to sell the house (per the will). He will easily see this is a money-making opportunity (there are a couple major reasons this house probably won't sell in its current condition, but on top of that, I have nowhere to go, and if I did have somewhere to go, I want to live close to two parishes that are near me right now that I like). This is a disaster. He's so obsessed with money that he told me to ask the Church for a loan. I can't ask for a loan because I don't have the wherewithal to pay it back. Also, my brother keeps getting loan upon loan upon loan. He doesn't seem to think to make money instead.

Again, you need to bring this up with the attorney. He is not fit to take control of anything in this situation. You can contest that if need be.

 

[Lady Bug]

Again, you need to bring this up with the attorney. He is not fit to take control of anything in this situation. You can contest that if need be.

I thought wills are not allowed to be changed

 

[Susie~Q]

I have been reading all the latest posts. In my opinion, there is no way your dad should come home. Yesterday you were telling us that you could see approaching death in his eyes,well, a person in that condition should not be home, they need to be where they will get the palliative care they need and meds for comfort. It would be a complete disaster if you brought him home. You think you had it badly before? Well, this would be infinitely worse. I agree completely with Michie, your brother doesn't care about you or your dad's well being, it's all about the money and he's desperate enough to do anything to get it, no matter who it hurts. Its a shame that he has control over the sale of the house, that should never have been.

I am praying for you and this situation, I wish you had a trusted friend with you, doing all this on your own is stressful beyond words and it makes it difficult to think clearly.

 

[Michie]

I thought wills are not allowed to be changed

You can contest a Will. It would buy you time on the house. But I’m just throwing things out there. Discuss your concerns with your attorney and go from there.

 

[Lady Bug]

My brother is once again pressuring me to bring him home, because our next-door neighbor brought her son home to die (he died of stomach cancer), and therefore I apparently should too. I told my brother to please not pressure me because I don't think I can handle it but he keeps telling me that it won't be for very long anyway. I told my brother I have to wait for what the team says about the options.

 

[Michie]

You did the right thing by saying you are waiting on the team. He is not willing to lift a finger but he has no problem using you does he? His motives are quite transparent knowing his past behavior. Do not let him push you. You know what he wants and has no clue to what he is talking about. Follow the care team’s instructions and ignore his attempts to con you. Continued prayers for your strength and discernment.

My brother is once again pressuring me to bring him home, because our next-door neighbor brought her son home to die (he died of stomach cancer), and therefore I apparently should too. I told my brother to please not pressure me because I don't think I can handle it but he keeps telling me that it won't be for very long anyway. I told my brother I have to wait for what the team says about the options.

 

[Susie~Q]

My brother is once again pressuring me to bring him home, because our next-door neighbor brought her son home to die (he died of stomach cancer), and therefore I apparently should too. I told my brother to please not pressure me because I don't think I can handle it but he keeps telling me that it won't be for very long anyway. I told my brother I have to wait for what the team says about the options.

. Well, good for her, but that is not you, your situation is more than likely entirely different and they probably have more money as well.

I just can't do it no matter how much I miss my dad

It WOULD help me avoid Medicaid and the expensive legal fees of the lawyer though, but still, I have a feeling I won't be able to do this.

It would be a colossal mistake, you would probably spend more money than you would using Medicaid, there is a lot that would go into bringing a dying person home, it isn't easy, plus, not to mention the wear and tear on your already frayed nervous system. If your brother wants it so much, then he can take him to his place.

 

[chevyontheriver]

My brother is once again pressuring me to bring him home, because our next-door neighbor brought her son home to die (he died of stomach cancer), and therefore I apparently should too. I told my brother to please not pressure me because I don't think I can handle it but he keeps telling me that it won't be for very long anyway. I told my brother I have to wait for what the team says about the options.

Your brother can take him home and care for him, It's his turn. You can visit a few times and leave when it gets messy so your brother can clean up. Sorry. Venting. Your brother doesn't sound like he is well connected to the real world. Again, sorry. You are a compassionate person who has been taken advantage of and your brother wants to keep on taking advantage of you. Sorry. I'll stop now.

 

[Lady Bug]

I think I also wrote in a recent comment how this might cause me to feel isolated from people who I need to talk to because I would not be allowed to leave him alone in the house (it would be literally illegal) if I had to go out somewhere.

 

[Lady Bug]

Your brother can take him home and care for him, It's his turn. You can visit a few times and leave when it gets messy so your brother can clean up. Sorry. Venting. Your brother doesn't sound like he is well connected to the real world. Again, sorry. You are a compassionate person who has been taken advantage of and your brother wants to keep on taking advantage of you. Sorry. I'll stop now.

My brother makes it about my dad being at HIS home for the final time, though. I feel bad for my dad because a few days ago he was saying how he hasn't seen his home for a long time, but he has deteriorated since then. I feel terrible about all this. I'm the first person who would want my dad to see his home again. But I just don't see how I can do it It's so sad

 

[Lady Bug]

ps it's not about even my dad's personality anymore. I'd do just about anything to be with him right now if I could, but as I said, I can't assume the responsibilities.

 

[Michie]

Praying for a better day today and some peace and comfort for all of you.

 

[mourningdove~]

ps it's not about even my dad's personality anymore. I'd do just about anything to be with him right now if I could, but as I said, I can't assume the responsibilities.

Stick with your instincts, Ladybug.

Caregiving for a dying loved one is not easy. It's very hard, on several levels.
And it's extremely hard, if one does not have family support nearby to assist, give breaks, and provide moral support.

I understand your love for your Dad, but as humans we all do have our breaking point.
I really would hate to see you bring your Dad home, only to find yours.
It wouldn't be good for you, or your Dad.

 

[RileyG]

Continued prayers!

 

[Lady Bug]

I felt I could have been there more for him, but I don't know if I could have. Too much responsibility was placed on me for phone calls and meetings, and while I did visit him at least every other day, I think I could have stayed longer each time. I don't know how to handle that guilt. I hope he's not mad at me and does not think I would intentionally hurt his feelings.