My dad has problems again

[Lady Bug]

Popping in to assure you of my continued prayers. I hope the day is less stressful than the previous ones.

As far as errands are concerned, I would be far less stressed but I remain petrified of "free radicals" around me who could ruin everything. I did accomplish a good deal yesterday and truth be told I just want to let things play out and relax a LITTLE, because I think I don't need to anything too urgent YET but:

- My dad's housecleaner who visits him every week (I wish he could get tf out of this scenario, but since he calls once a month to ask if he can clean the house, he inevitably found out about my dad when I told the HC that he couldn't come clean the house). He is a very "positive" man who tries to keep things positive, and that would be fine if I were not petrified of him giving my dad potentially false positives that he can come home (which would mean I'd have to stop everything and take care of him again and be on pins and needles every second, thinking he will fall again). Giving my dad potentially false positives will cause my dad to be heartbroken if in the end, it becomes too hard for me to bring home and there could then be conflict between me and my dad.
- My brother who calls me too late at night when I tell him that if I talk on the phone too late at night, it disrupts my sleep. He told me last night that he was going to push the docs for PES/NMES stimulation (I don't know if I mentioned it here) and that he already convinced a couple people to try it (that doesn't seem possible. He must be lying, because the hospital said that they don't do those treatments there. it's an outpatient thing)
- He also wants to push the docs to do spinal surgery
- I'm petrified of the fact that my dad (a long time ago) had named my brother Personal Representative of the house, in the will. However, this was before my dad realized how stupid my brother is (my dad does happen o believe that my brother is stupid, though). That means that my brother can do whatever he wants down the road like accept that ridiculous deal from that scammer who offered him 100K in exchange for the house being collateral.
- I wish I could change the will to make my brother and I (if I don't want to upset my brother) equal representatives, but I don't think I have the power. I'd rather have him not be the PR at all, if you ask me, but I'm scared to do that.
- I'm trying to keep my mouth shut to the next-door-neighbor but she's nosy and if she sees outside she may stop over and talk to me and try to convince me that I'm being foolish for "waiting" for myself to get the financial POA (well, by this time it is called guardianship). I already told her that I have problems with my brother being FPOA and she's like, doesn't get it.
- I'm scared that if my ability to get guardianship is delayed, then the whole case (at the atty) is delayed.
- I'm worried that an atty will tell me that I'm not allowed to log into my dad's bank account to transfer some money to my account when I buy groceries. This has been the arrangement between my dad and me for years now. I otherwise can't live, though.
- My brother telling me that dad looks the same as he did at home, minus the swallowing stuff, which implies to me that if it weren't for the swallowing, dad could be home right now

 

[Michie]

As far as errands are concerned, I would be far less stressed but I remain petrified of "free radicals" around me who could ruin everything. I did accomplish a good deal yesterday and truth be told I just want to let things play out and relax a LITTLE, because I think I don't need to anything too urgent YET but:

- My dad's housecleaner who visits him every week (I wish he could get tf out of this scenario, but since he calls once a month to ask if he can clean the house, he inevitably found out about my dad when I told the HC that he couldn't come clean the house). He is a very "positive" man who tries to keep things positive, and that would be fine if I were not petrified of him giving my dad potentially false positives that he can come home (which would mean I'd have to stop everything and take care of him again and be on pins and needles every second, thinking he will fall again). Giving my dad potentially false positives will cause my dad to be heartbroken if in the end, it becomes too hard for me to bring home and there could then be conflict between me and my dad.
- My brother who calls me too late at night when I tell him that if I talk on the phone too late at night, it disrupts my sleep. He told me last night that he was going to push the docs for PES/NMES stimulation (I don't know if I mentioned it here) and that he already convinced a couple people to try it (that doesn't seem possible. He must be lying, because the hospital said that they don't do those treatments there. it's an outpatient thing)
- He also wants to push the docs to do spinal surgery
- I'm petrified of the fact that my dad (a long time ago) had named my brother Personal Representative of the house, in the will. However, this was before my dad realized how stupid my brother is (my dad does happen o believe that my brother is stupid, though). That means that my brother can do whatever he wants down the road like accept that ridiculous deal from that scammer who offered him 100K in exchange for the house being collateral.
- I wish I could change the will to make my brother and I (if I don't want to upset my brother) equal representatives, but I don't think I have the power. I'd rather have him not be the PR at all, if you ask me, but I'm scared to do that.
- I'm trying to keep my mouth shut to the next-door-neighbor but she's nosy and if she sees outside she may stop over and talk to me and try to convince me that I'm being foolish for "waiting" for myself to get the financial POA (well, by this time it is called guardianship). I already told her that I have problems with my brother being FPOA and she's like, doesn't get it.
- I'm scared that if my ability to get guardianship is delayed, then the whole case (at the atty) is delayed.
- I'm worried that an atty will tell me that I'm not allowed to log into my dad's bank account to transfer some money to my account when I buy groceries. This has been the arrangement between my dad and me for years now. I otherwise can't live, though.
- My brother telling me that dad looks the same as he did at home, minus the swallowing stuff, which implies to me that if it weren't for the swallowing, dad could be home right now

You just need to tell all this to the attorney and go from there. Your brother sounds like a real doofus. You need to start setting those boundaries. Will can always be adjusted. Your dad should have adjusted the will as soon as he saw the actions of your brother. You should be not only medical poa but the executor of the estate. But you have to follow your father’s wishes of what in the will. Just talk to the attorney and any other professional that may be able to assist and you will be walked through it.

 

[Lady Bug]

You just need to tell all this to the attorney and go from there. Your brother sounds like a real doofus. You need to start setting those boundaries. Will can always be adjusted. Your dad should have adjusted the will as soon as he saw the actions of your brother. You should be not only medical poa but the executor of the estate. But you have to follow your father’s wishes of what in the will. Just talk to the attorney and any other professional that may be able to assist and you will be walked through it.

You know, as stressful as this is, I actually think I can get through this schtick in one piece as long as the free radicals don't threaten what I'm doing. Anyway, a major portion of my concern is also the amount of time spent with the attorney. I can't spend THAT much time or else - I might as well sell the house to pay for the legal fees (I can't sell the house, I'm not the owner)

 

[Michie]

You know, as stressful as this is, I actually think I can get through this schtick in one piece as long as the free radicals don't threaten what I'm doing. Anyway, a major portion of my concern is also the amount of time spent with the attorney. I can't spend THAT much time or else - I might as well sell the house to pay for the legal fees (I can't sell the house, I'm not the owner)

It will not be as long as you are imagining. It’s not like they show in films. They will take notes and prioritize what needs to be done and expedite things. You need to explain and detail the situation and be totally honest about your concerns. That is usually it. The rest is handled through phone or mail. They may tell you you need to pick up something at the court house, have your dad sign a paper or whatever but it’s not as time consuming as you imagine. This is what they do for a living and they have been around the block. Try not to fret so much. Just get your tush to the attorney and go from there.

 

[Lady Bug]

It will not be as long as you are imagining. It’s not like they show in films. They will take notes and prioritize what needs to be done and expedite things. You need to explain and detail the situation and be totally honest about your concerns. That is usually it. The rest is handled through phone or mail. They may tell you you need to pick up something at the court house, have your dad sign a paper or whatever but it’s not as time consuming as you imagine. This is what they do for a living and they have been around the block. Try not to fret so much. Just get your tush to the attorney and go from there.

Well, my hands are kind of tied until I can make the consultation. I have completed the necessary steps in order to be allowed to have the consultation, though (watch the video, fill the forms).

The problem is, the nurse at the hospital said on the phone yesterday that my dad "can't sign" anything because he is "incompetent" and that I'd have to petition the court to get Guardianship instead of POA. Sigh. She's just one person. I don't know if I'm forbidden to do this. My dad has senile moments but I don't think he's incapable of signing something, yet I'd still feel manipulative if I did that.

I hope I don't look like I'm talking too much. In real life, however, this kind of stress makes me very un-talkative.

 

[Michie]

Well, my hands are kind of tied until I can make the consultation. I have completed the necessary steps in order to be allowed to have the consultation, though (watch the video, fill the forms).

The problem is, the nurse at the hospital said on the phone yesterday that my dad "can't sign" anything because he is "incompetent" and that I'd have to petition the court to get Guardianship instead of POA. Sigh. She's just one person. I don't know if I'm forbidden to do this. My dad has senile moments but I don't think he's incapable of signing something, yet I'd still feel manipulative if I did that.

I hope I don't look like I'm talking too much. In real life, however, this kind of stress makes me very un-talkative.

The nurse is probably familiar with these situations but the attorney will know how to handle it. Just try to not worry so much and do the best you can until your attorney instructs you.

 

[RileyG]

Popping in to assure you of my continued prayers. I hope the day is less stressful than the previous ones.

Ditto! Continued prayers!

 

[Michie]

Adding my prayers for you and your family. May the Lord make his presence known to all of you and grant you all peace and strength of mind in this trial.

 

[Lady Bug]

New concern.

There is a "meeting" tomorrow that I have with the palliative care team (I feel like there is a bias on the part of the medical staff to convince me to "withhold" sustenance from my dad and I really hate that) and my brother is going to be part of the meeting (but not physically present like me) and I'm worried that if/when the time comes to discuss the long-term plans after my dad is discharged, my brother will put on a "good show" and convince the medical staff that he'll be making a lot of money from potential investments and will be able to hire in-home people. I know that my brother is full of it but he knows how to look reasonable in front of people if he has to.

I finished typing stuff for the attorney, but all I have to do now, is be utterly petrified of going. All that work typing up "my case" may be for naught.

 

[Michie]

New concern.

There is a "meeting" tomorrow that I have with the palliative care team (I feel like there is a bias on the part of the medical staff to convince me to "withhold" sustenance from my dad and I really hate that) and my brother is going to be part of the meeting (but not physically present like me) and I'm worried that if/when the time comes to discuss the long-term plans after my dad is discharged, my brother will put on a "good show" and convince the medical staff that he'll be making a lot of money from potential investments and will be able to hire in-home people. I know that my brother is full of it but he knows how to look reasonable in front of people if he has to.

I finished typing stuff for the attorney, but all I have to do now, is be utterly petrified of going. All that work typing up "my case" may be for naught.

These are the things the palliative care team needs to know as well. I’d get there early or stay after the meeting to let them know you need to talk to them confidentially. I did it several times when my stepdad was sick and his kids were causing trouble.

 

[FaithT]

New concern.

There is a "meeting" tomorrow that I have with the palliative care team (I feel like there is a bias on the part of the medical staff to convince me to "withhold" sustenance from my dad and I really hate that) and my brother is going to be part of the meeting (but not physically present like me) and I'm worried that if/when the time comes to discuss the long-term plans after my dad is discharged, my brother will put on a "good show" and convince the medical staff that he'll be making a lot of money from potential investments and will be able to hire in-home people. I know that my brother is full of it but he knows how to look reasonable in front of people if he has to.

I finished typing stuff for the attorney, but all I have to do now, is be utterly petrified of going. All that work typing up "my case" may be for naught.

I agree with what Michie said.

 

[mourningdove~]

These are the things the palliative care team needs to know as well. I’d get there early or stay after the meeting to let them know you need to talk to them confidentially.

@Lady Bug

Yep. Do this ^​

 

[Lady Bug]

I'm concerned that "I don't want to live with people I don't know" or "I don't feel like having people move in" are weak defenses and will not hold water.

They might simply say "They are all properly vetted" but that's at the professional level. When you have to start living with them, they personal side comes out too.

 

[Lady Bug]

I know, this is confirmation bias but heck, the "cons" on here are enough to make me

Hiring a private caregiver for in-home care - Sequoia Senior Solutions

Thinking about hiring a private caregiver for in-home care? Read through this list of pros and cons to determine if it's right for you

sequoiaseniorsolutions.com

 

[Michie]

I'm concerned that "I don't want to live with people I don't know" or "I don't feel like having people move in" are weak defenses and will not hold water.

They might simply say "They are all properly vetted" but that's at the professional level. When you have to start living with them, they personal side comes out too.

It’s a rare event when anyone on the palliative team lives there. In fact, it really never happens unless you hire a full time live in nurse. And that’s on you financially. Stop worrying and wait to see what the professional say. You are just torturing yourself now.

 

[mourningdove~]

I know, this is confirmation bias but heck, the "cons" on here are enough to make me

Hiring a private caregiver for in-home care - Sequoia Senior Solutions

Thinking about hiring a private caregiver for in-home care? Read through this list of pros and cons to determine if it's right for you

sequoiaseniorsolutions.com

The BIGGEST 'con'?
In-home care is very expensive, even if someone lives in 'part-time'.

So unless your brother is wealthy, he will not be able to afford it.

(I speak from experience on this.)

 

[mourningdove~]

I'm concerned that "I don't want to live with people I don't know" or "I don't feel like having people move in" are weak defenses and will not hold water.

They might simply say "They are all properly vetted" but that's at the professional level. When you have to start living with them, they personal side comes out too.

I really don't think this is going to be an option for you ...
unless you or your brother are going to pay for this care.

If your Dad is on Medicare, or Medicaid, he may be entitled to some regular visits at home by a nurse. But is Medicare/Medicaid going to pay for full-time, live-in nursing for your Dad? I strongly strongly doubt it.

Medicaid paid for some part-time regular visiting nurses to help my MIL in the months before she died, but afterwards, they sent her estate ('us') a bill for the care. We needed to sell her home, to pay the bill.

 

[Lady Bug]

The BIGGEST 'con'?
In-home care is very expensive, even if someone lives in 'part-time'.

So unless your brother is wealthy, he will not be able to afford it.

(I speak from experience on this.)

My brother knows how to talk a good game about his investments. He has made hardly anything off of them even though he says that he's supposed to get all this money.

 

[mourningdove~]

My brother knows how to talk a good game about his investments. He has made hardly anything off of them even though he says that he's supposed to get all this money.

I'm curious ... what does your brother do for a living? (Good paying job?)

Anyways ...
What seems obvious to me is that you have the Medical Power of Attorney for your Dad.
You are the one with the authority to make medical decisions for your Dad, and not your brother.

Your brother can express his opinions. but can he make the final decision? I think not.

 

[Michie]

My brother knows how to talk a good game about his investments. He has made hardly anything off of them even though he says that he's supposed to get all this money.

Tell the care team all this info.