Yeshua HaDerekh
Men dream of truth, find it then cant live with it
- May 9, 2013
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Hi, I have severe anxiety and have been struggling with my faith for a couple years.
I'm in a really dark place right now. I feel trapped. Had my first panic attack the other night and called the ambulance because I was scared and thought I was dying. Also darker things than that... I think I've blown up my life terribly especially spiritually and it terrifies me. There's lots of dark thoughts and I'm suicidal at times yet scared of that.
A few months ago, I realised I was on a destructive path after a conversation with a good friend. I hadn't seen it before then or realised how far I'd gone or how close I was to going over the edge again. As if I hadn't had enough to deal with already with the fornication and the legalism and the idolatry...am I even a Christian? I was saved when I was 14... But how can I keep unintentionally stumbling into these stupid sins?? I hate my sin and don't want it in my life. All of those have been confessed to God and repented of (the first two particularly). At least, I've tried. I don't know how much difference it did. But I've pushed Jesus away a lot... I'm now afraid that He's pushing me away because I can't seem to get back to Him and find His forgiveness. It seems that when I pray and cry out to Him things get worse. When I try to take steps towards being surrendered to Him, things get worse. I'm sure I've turned back on Him at times...why wouldn't He turn His back on me? But I've come to Him again and again, giving things to Him, praying for repentance and for Him to turn my life around. Praying for a miracle. I've been committed to sticking with Him and resisting the strong pull to walk away. I confess my sin to Him so much and try to receive His forgiveness. I try to deal with the ugly stuff in my heart and to do what God wants me to do. I've been pursuing emotional healing and spiritual freedom. I've tried to come back to a place of wholehearted surrender. I tried to turn my life around. It's just never enough for Him. I stumble and fall and get angry and say ugly words I don't mean. But since when is life with God about doing things? After losing a special relationship and a successive series of losses, I stopped being vulnerable. I stopped depending on God. I started closing my heart to Him. So stupid. But I was terribly hurt and struggling awfully because of extended suffering I've been through. It all seems hopeless.
I have seen a shift in me in terms of perspective and the way I think since my last visit home in April though. I've come out of a lot of my negativity and despondency and depression and I'm much less emotional and emotionally stuck. Like, the anger that I've been unable to get rid of for two years has shifted quite a bit. I'm more positive and hopeful most of the time. I'm not really sure how this happened. But I do feel numb and empty and heavy inside.
I'm scared that I've sinned so much and got so far from Him that now He's rejecting me. There's so much anxiety and fear about awful things happening to me and to those I love. And I'm super scared of verses like Hebrews 6 and the ones about blasphemy. I struggle so much in my mind and am scared I've accidentally done it and now God has rejected me.
I don't understand what's going on. I don't know what to do. Should I keep hanging on to Jesus and crying out to Him digging my heels into the trench and not giving up? Or should I just turn my back on Him completely? (That second option horrifies me).
Would appreciate help and Christians to chat with.
Take one step toward Him and He will take 2 towards you. Read the Psalms until the panic and anxiety leaves you. Also, remember the prodigal son...He is waiting for you with open arms!
Shalom to you
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