Severe Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Spiritual Struggles, & Horrible Darkness

[rhomphaeam]

2nd part:

Regarding the soul and being born again as an expression of separating the spirit from the soul in new birth.

"There came a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness, to testify about the Light so that all might believe through him. He was not the Light, but he came to testify about the Light. There was the true Light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man. He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him. He came to His own, and those who were His own did not receive Him. But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God." (John 1:6-13).

In this passage from John, being saved is expressed as, "the right to become the children of God," and it is the same in meaning as that which we all agree with when we speak of being born again. The word right in this passage is exousia (ἐξουσία). The English word, excused, from excūsare (Latin: Meaning to be removed from an accusation) and carries a similar meaning. We could say, "I needed to be excused in order to believe.” It could also, in the context of the passage itself, be expressed as, "I needed power to believe." Or else it could be, "I needed light to believe". Finally, it could be said, "I needed faith to believe." In literal translation, the word exousia (ἐξουσία) means being given the power to become something else. This something else is, to become "children of God". Becoming the children of God is by faith. And this means, "born of God." Lastly, the qualifying condition to receive this power is to receive the Light which John bore witness to at the River Jordan.

"Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels, and then he shall reward every man according to his works." Matthew 16:24-27

"τοτε ο ιησους ειπεν τοις μαθηταις αυτου ει τις θελει οπισω μου ελθειν απαρνησασθω εαυτον και αρατω τον σταυρον αυτου και ακολουθειτω μοι ος γαρ εαν θελη την ψυχην αυτου σωσαι απολεσει αυτην ος δ αν απολεση την ψυχην αυτου ενεκεν εμου ευρησει αυτην τι γαρ ωφεληθησεται ανθρωπος εαν τον κοσμον ολον κερδηση την δε ψυχην αυτου ζημιωθη η τι δωσει ανθρωπος ανταλλαγμα της ψυχης αυτου μελλει γαρ ο υιος του ανθρωπου ερχεσθαι εν τη δοξη του πατρος αυτου μετα των αγγελων αυτου και τοτε αποδωσει εκαστω κατα την πραξιν αυτου" (Matthew 16:24-27). Novum Testamentum Graece.

The word life in verse 25 is the Greek ψυχην, transliterated psychén, and translated life. The word soul in verse 26 are the Greek words ψυχην and ψυχης, as in, "κερδηση την δε ψυχην αυτου ζημιωθη η τι δωσει ανθρωπος ανταλλαγμα της ψυχης αυτου μελλει." (Transliterated psychén and psychés respectively.) They are both translated soul.

In genesis 2:7 we read, "And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and man became a living soul." If we refer to the Septuagint (the Greek Old Testament) we can say, the word πνει (to blow) is from the same root as the word pnoe (πνοή) of which the word πνοὴν used in Genesis 2:7, is translated blew. As the English translation is breath of life, and makes reference to "and man became a living soul” (Genesis 2:7), so in John 3:8 the word wind, which "blows where it will" is the Greek πνευμα, denoting spiritual life, or the giving of spiritual life.

When Jesus tells us that they [we] must lose their [our] lives to find their [our] lives, He is speaking of the soul, and not the spirit. The word save in Matthew 16:25 (in context) where Jesus says, 'ος γαρ εαν θελη την ψυχην αυτου σωσαι απολεσει αυτην ος δ αν απολεση την ψυχην αυτου ενεκεν εμου ευρησει αυτην, translated: For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. is σωσαι (v25 i) from the root word sozo (σώζω). This word means to preserve one's soul by losing ones soul. The term lose in Matthew 16:25 is απολεση and comes from the root apollumi (ἀπόλλυμι) and the term find in verse 25 is εὑρίσκω and is transliterated heuriskó. The term apollumi (ἀπόλλυμι) is a strong term and in the middle voice means to destroy utterly or to perish.

I suppose to be simple about this then I would point out that salvation is broader in meaning than new birth, and new birth is a spiritual birth and not a natural fact of the soul. The three terms in the Greek for spirit, soul and body are all listed and their significance in simple terms as to how they correspond to both salvation and new birth are cited. Jesus didn't tell Nicodemus that the soul would be born again. But the Scripture does tell us by Jesus - taught to the disciples - that the soul cannot be saved by regeneration of the spirit but by denying oneself and taking up ones own cross of obedience. If Jesus did intend the disciples to understand that they needed to lose their spirits in order to find their spirits then that cannot make a shred of sense. Matthew 16:24-27 doesn't speak about spirits at all - it speaks about souls of men.

Salvation in New birth is a spiritual event and corresponds to our once dead spirts that are made into a new creature in Christ. Our souls are who were are in our person and so far as salvation is concerned corresponds to obedience to Christ - but the soul is not born again - it is a new heart for sure - but a renewing of the mind also. Some argue that this tripartite distinction is essential and others that a bipartite view is adequate. But to say that the spirit is the soul is simply mistaken.

 

[CaitM]

2nd part:

Regarding the soul and being born again as an expression of separating the spirit from the soul in new birth.

"There came a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness, to testify about the Light so that all might believe through him. He was not the Light, but he came to testify about the Light. There was the true Light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man. He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him. He came to His own, and those who were His own did not receive Him. But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God." (John 1:6-13).

In this passage from John, being saved is expressed as, "the right to become the children of God," and it is the same in meaning as that which we all agree with when we speak of being born again. The word right in this passage is exousia (ἐξουσία). The English word, excused, from excūsare (Latin: Meaning to be removed from an accusation) and carries a similar meaning. We could say, "I needed to be excused in order to believe.” It could also, in the context of the passage itself, be expressed as, "I needed power to believe." Or else it could be, "I needed light to believe". Finally, it could be said, "I needed faith to believe." In literal translation, the word exousia (ἐξουσία) means being given the power to become something else. This something else is, to become "children of God". Becoming the children of God is by faith. And this means, "born of God." Lastly, the qualifying condition to receive this power is to receive the Light which John bore witness to at the River Jordan.

"Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels, and then he shall reward every man according to his works." Matthew 16:24-27

"τοτε ο ιησους ειπεν τοις μαθηταις αυτου ει τις θελει οπισω μου ελθειν απαρνησασθω εαυτον και αρατω τον σταυρον αυτου και ακολουθειτω μοι ος γαρ εαν θελη την ψυχην αυτου σωσαι απολεσει αυτην ος δ αν απολεση την ψυχην αυτου ενεκεν εμου ευρησει αυτην τι γαρ ωφεληθησεται ανθρωπος εαν τον κοσμον ολον κερδηση την δε ψυχην αυτου ζημιωθη η τι δωσει ανθρωπος ανταλλαγμα της ψυχης αυτου μελλει γαρ ο υιος του ανθρωπου ερχεσθαι εν τη δοξη του πατρος αυτου μετα των αγγελων αυτου και τοτε αποδωσει εκαστω κατα την πραξιν αυτου" (Matthew 16:24-27). Novum Testamentum Graece.

The word life in verse 25 is the Greek ψυχην, transliterated psychén, and translated life. The word soul in verse 26 are the Greek words ψυχην and ψυχης, as in, "κερδηση την δε ψυχην αυτου ζημιωθη η τι δωσει ανθρωπος ανταλλαγμα της ψυχης αυτου μελλει." (Transliterated psychén and psychés respectively.) They are both translated soul.

In genesis 2:7 we read, "And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and man became a living soul." If we refer to the Septuagint (the Greek Old Testament) we can say, the word πνει (to blow) is from the same root as the word pnoe (πνοή) of which the word πνοὴν used in Genesis 2:7, is translated blew. As the English translation is breath of life, and makes reference to "and man became a living soul” (Genesis 2:7), so in John 3:8 the word wind, which "blows where it will" is the Greek πνευμα, denoting spiritual life, or the giving of spiritual life.

When Jesus tells us that they [we] must lose their [our] lives to find their [our] lives, He is speaking of the soul, and not the spirit. The word save in Matthew 16:25 (in context) where Jesus says, 'ος γαρ εαν θελη την ψυχην αυτου σωσαι απολεσει αυτην ος δ αν απολεση την ψυχην αυτου ενεκεν εμου ευρησει αυτην, translated: For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. is σωσαι (v25 i) from the root word sozo (σώζω). This word means to preserve one's soul by losing ones soul. The term lose in Matthew 16:25 is απολεση and comes from the root apollumi (ἀπόλλυμι) and the term find in verse 25 is εὑρίσκω and is transliterated heuriskó. The term apollumi (ἀπόλλυμι) is a strong term and in the middle voice means to destroy utterly or to perish.

I suppose to be simple about this then I would point out that salvation is broader in meaning than new birth, and new birth is a spiritual birth and not a natural fact of the soul. The three terms in the Greek for spirit, soul and body are all listed and their significance in simple terms as to how they correspond to both salvation and new birth are cited. Jesus didn't tell Nicodemus that the soul would be born again. But the Scripture does tell us by Jesus - taught to the disciples - that the soul cannot be saved by regeneration of the spirit but by denying oneself and taking up ones own cross of obedience. If Jesus did intend the disciples to understand that they needed to lose their spirits in order to find their spirits then that cannot make a shred of sense. Matthew 16:24-27 doesn't speak about spirits at all - it speaks about souls of men.

Salvation in New birth is a spiritual event and corresponds to our once dead spirts that are made into a new creature in Christ. Our souls are who were are in our person and so far as salvation is concerned corresponds to obedience to Christ - but the soul is not born again - it is a new heart for sure - but a renewing of the mind also. Some argue that this tripartite distinction is essential and others that a bipartite view is adequate. But to say that the spirit is the soul is simply mistaken.

Wow this all is very detailed and in depth. A few years ago I would have enjoyed dissecting it but the way my mind is right now it's honestly too overwhelming.

What is it that you would like me to see here?

 

[rhomphaeam]

Wow this all is very detailed and in depth. A few years ago I would have enjoyed dissecting it but the way my mind is right now it's honestly too overwhelming.

What is it that you would like me to see here?

“What use is it, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but he has no works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,” and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that? Even so faith, if it has no works, is dead, being by itself. But someone may well say, “You have faith and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works.” You believe that God is one. You do well; the demons also believe and shudder. But are you willing to recognize, you foolish fellow, that faith without works is useless? Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he offered up Isaac, his son on the altar? You see that faith was working with his works, and as a result of the works, faith was perfected; and the Scripture was fulfilled which says, “AND ABRAHAM BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS RECKONED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS,” and he was called the friend of God. You see that a man is justified by works and not by faith alone. In the same way, was not Rahab the harlot also justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by another way? For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead.” James 2:14-26 (NASB)

This passage of Scripture by James requires us to accept that the Christian walk is a matter of faith and works. How are we to understand this claim?

Whilst we were children, we received a childish distinction. We were told that to please God was good, and to displease God was evil. So that as we came to those temptations to lie or steal we found ourselves halted momentarily by this knowledge of good and evil and we were at once faced with a sudden choice. Either obey God and be found good or else disobey God and be found evil. The choice is never to steal or not to steal, or else to lie or tell the truth. The choice is whether to obey God or disobey God. As we mature and come into our youth, we learned that there is actually no such choice, whether to obey God or disobey God, there is only the power to choose. When we come to a living faith in God, we are faced with this same reality.

As far as eternity is concerned, we were able to obey God and perceived no choice when faced with the knowledge of eternal consequences set against God’s provision. The conviction of sin is sufficient to press any man into obedience if we also see that Christ died to take our sin away. Consequently, the conviction of sin produces obedience. That is the moment of grace which saves for eternity. James then tells us that there are works that prove our faith. In short, if we say that we have faith, and have no works, we have made God to be a liar. There is also another crisis which we must face as disciples of Christ. How will we come to the truth of God and Christ? How will we walk by faith if we are uncertain about the detail? There can be no issue about stealing or lying, but what of knowing how to judge ourselves?

“For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrew 4:12-16 (NASB)

The writer of Hebrews tells us that it is the word of God that is able to separate the thoughts and the intentions of the heart. He also tells us that the instrument that makes that possible is grace. It must be clear therefore that whilst reading and studying the word of God is both necessary and desirable, a division has to be made. This division is first, spirit and soul, then joints and marrow and finally thoughts and intentions. It is by reading the word of God and desiring its effect in the renewing of the mind that we will prove that perfect and acceptable will of God in our own lives.

This above section like the other two sections are taken from a book I began some 34 years ago to address a very simple problem. Why did my spirit react so badly to the Once Saved Always Saved [OSAS] teaching that is so prevalent in pentecostal circles - the same pentecostal circles who were also often natural minds in their manner and walk. And the only thing that separated them from the decent unbeliever was faith as an exclamation to knowing Christ and the gift of tongues. This process took place in a youth group in an Assemblies of God church and mainly consisted of undergraduates, post graduates and a few PhD Candidates in a variety of subjects including Medicine, Psychology, Astro Physics and Mathematics. They were all from the local University. I simply couldn't understand how these brethren could believe in an OSAS doctrine, when Salvation, as a claim to Christ, cannot be defined in that manner from the Koine Greek. So the first thing I did was sit down and write a paper entitled The Salvation of the Soul.

Those first two elements here are taken from that paper. What it shows is that being born again is not an event in the soul. It is a spiritual benefit to the whole man, spirit should and body, but it is only the spirit that is born again. And therefore, the idea of defining the entirety of salvation as new birth was a false claim. Which is why the OSAS doctrine is rejected by Calvinists. The second part above then shows that salvation is actually defined expressly by Christ in His own person and the work of the cross which removes any ability to believe that salvation can be anything other than laying down ones own life as Christ laid down His life.

Luther was so offended by the letter of James that he wanted to remove it from the Canon of Scripture when he made his German translation. Calvin on the other hand had absolutely no problem with James. The reason why I am telling you this is because your difficulties are in your mind even though you know that you have lost your closeness to Christ and your ability to walk properly. So as I said before posting @#40 and @#41 I wanted to try and give you a way to show you how to separate spiritual meanings from personal thoughts. And it is that very last line in this post [It is by reading the word of God and desiring its effect in the renewing of the mind that we will prove that perfect and acceptable will of God in our own lives] that is the meaning. The greek is simply a parse.

I don't mean to sound somehow patronising or come across as insulting - but much of what you have said implicates your mind and not your spirit - even though it is with our spirits that we commune with Christ - despite the mind. Peace that passes all understanding &c. Well you have lost your peace and so your spirit is obstructed - but it is your mind that is thrashing about to recover Christ. You can still express a true faith and very well it seems to me - but it is the mind that constitutes who you are and so it is the mind that needs to be renewed in some basic way and then you can properly deal with your sins and your past pushing Christ away.

Have you heard of Erasmus?

 

[rhomphaeam]

“These things afore written had been and that a great deal more than sufficient: nevertheless that thou mayst be somewhat more sensibly known unto thyself, I will rehearse compendiously the divisionofaman,afterthedescriptionof Origene,forhefollowethPaulmakingthreeparts,the spirit, the soul and the flesh, which three parts Paul joined together, writing to the Thessalonieences. That your spirit (saith he) your soul and your body may be kept clean and uncorrupt, that ye be not blamed or accused at the coming of our Lord Jesu Christ. And Esaias (leaving out the lowest part) maketh mention of two, saying, My soul shall desire and long for thee in the night, yea, and in my spirit and my heart strings I will wake in the mornings for to please thee. Also Daniel saith, Let the spirits and souls of good men laud God. Out of the which places of scripture Origene gathereth not against reason the three partitions of man, that is to wit, the body, otherwise called the flesh, the most vile part of us, wherein the malicious serpent through original trespass hath I written the law of sin, wherewithal we be provoked to filthiness. And also if we be overcome, we be coupled and made one with the devil. Then the spirit wherein we represent the similitude of the nature of God, in which also our most blessed maker after the original pattern and example of his own mind hath graven the eternal law of honesty with his finger, that is, with his spirit the Holy Ghost. By this part we be knit to God, and made one with him. In the third place, and in the midst between these two he putteth the soul, which is partaker of the sensible wits and natural motions.”

Erasmus, D. (1905). Enchiridion Militis Christiani (pp. 104–106). London: Methuen & Co.

Dutch scholar Erasmus of Rotterdam in 1501, first published in English in 1533 by William Tyndale.

The modern precept for addressing anything that is of the mind is to press into psychology. That is a mistake, however, because even when our minds are disturbed - that disturbance is often grounded in our ability to know Christ or the peace that passes all understanding - when we are believers into Christ. Terms like anxiety and depression force an abstract frame of reference and often end up being pressed into pathological disorders such as OCD.

Much of what you have shared - both the detail of what steps you have taken and your description of your behaviour along with the intersectional thoughts that demand you blaspheme the Lord - are all rational in the sense that they are consistent with one another. So the underlying fear that Christ may have rejected you based on sin and behaviour [your pushing Christ away] along with the thoughts that are imputed into your mind are not contradictory. What is contradictory is that do don't need to sin in gross ways when you love Christ and you do not have to push Him away - even when you have sinned in gross ways because you were living a selfish life. It is that character that gives rise to our thinking of ourselves that we must find either a spiritual solution or else a psychological solution if we can't find a spiritual remedy. In reality what we need to do to be consistent with biblical truth is find a way to draw straight lines. And that means drawing the threads that make the garment but not manufacturing the garment in any way that we prescribe - but allowing the garment to be what God made it.

The garment is of course your self. And you are spirit, soul and body.

Just to give you a sense of how important Erasmus was I am posting this link from the UK Government website.

At risk of export: A ‘lost’ Tyndale Translation? The earliest English version of Erasmus’s ‘Handbook of the Christian knight.’

The terms employed in this government news article speak of Erasmus as a humanist. Then it speaks of the reformation and the protestant cause in the English Reformation. What is important to understand is that Erasmus had a very biblical and practical skill. He wasn't in any way fooled by religious bigotry or else a misuse of biblical truth to essentially oppress people. Erasmus was concerned about real life and the practical way in which believers could utilise biblical truth to address their own lives and the real emotional harm done to them in life and the sins that arise out of the flesh.

I want to be rational with you because the very best control that anyone can help others to have is self control. So I have said, "much of what you have said implicates your mind and not your spirit - even though it is with our spirits that we commune with Christ - despite the mind. Peace that passes all understanding &c. Well you have lost your peace and so your spirit is obstructed - but it is your mind that is thrashing about to recover Christ."

In saying that I am not in any way seeking to address your mind. Unless we see however, that when we speak of the mind we are speaking of the intellect, emotion and volition [soul] and that this is who you are - similarly when we speak of the spirit we are speaking of who you are in Christ. The soul however, is in your body and is so integrated with the neural system that at times the body informs the soul and demands a response. Panic attacks are physical events but they are induced by anxiety.

In this theatre of meanings Erasmus says, in the midst between these two he putteth the soul. The these two are the spirit and the body. Unless you are willing to set aside the eclectic influence you have embraced in so many theologies and actually settle for some clear straight lines you may well have to try anything - as you stated - before you receive a rational preposition that is biblically based and perfectly intelligent.

 

[rhomphaeam]

“I would have the weakest woman read the Gospels and the Epistles of St. Paul...I would have those words translated into all languages, so that not only Scots and Irishmen, but Turks and Saracens might read them. I long for the plowboy to sing them to himself as he follows the plow, the weaver to hum them to the tune of his shuttle, the traveller to beguile with them the dullness of his journey...Other studies we may regret having undertaken, but happy is the man upon whom death comes when he is engaged in these. These sacred words give you the very image of Christ speaking, healing, dying, rising again, and make Him so present that were He before your very eyes you would not more truly see Him” Erasmus

 

[rhomphaeam]

How great thy works O Lord made full,
Imprisons all, though inward shines.
If not the garment torn by willing cross to bear,
If all its purpose pressed conceive no blessing.
Let all the parts to cleave, if parts to form.
A faithful wait! The kingdom of our Lord.
Once again corruption set aside, eternal vessel.
The end to dust return, our wait as sons of God.
In Christ, a child by faith cries, ‘Abba Father’
Awake! And fruitful make the time, a wait no more.
This barren form conceived by purpose known.
The summer heat, its flower scorched and lost.
Treasure now present, cry out, cry hope!
Though men with spirits born again and heeding not,
Find sudden unexpected loss, laid low with grief.
So much a perfect work restrains this carnal flesh,
Imprisons all, though inward shines.​

Robert Chisholm​

 

[AGODBELIEVERlove1stfaith2]

New birth is not literal like going back into the womb. But it is the renewal of the mind behold you become a new creature in Christ through faith

 

[Hopeful37]

It is true that I have been through a great deal in life - and yet what I have experienced even in the extremes of them are as nothing to some things I have ministered to in the lives of others. The most telling fact of emotional recovery - which you rightly insist need validation - is the understanding that our own damaged emotional hearts - regardless of the detail of the harm - are individual to ourselves and so cannot be a true basis for others when we are bearing witness of Christ. That premise seems so far removed from what is happening in the churches today that I am often seen as lacking compassion even when I weep with the brethren. The singular difference here is where the emotion is grounded. If your shoulders are shaking then you are in truth crying for yourself - and that is entirely valid sometimes - but we need to cry without ourselves in mind when we weep for others - and when that comes our bodies have no part in our feelings of grief and sorrow. What many call emotions are indeed emotions but they are the feelings that we have that are bound up with our very body and so when we remember those feelings our bodies are the vehicle of expression.

All emotional pain is in the possession of the one we can see and hear before our eyes when we intend to bring Christ to the fore. So if we truly desire to see our brethren escape their own turmoil we must firstly escape our own. I am careful with using the term healing when in the church because emotional pain is not a sickness and neither can emotional memories be removed from the mind. They cannot be buried either unless we are inclined to seeing others buried alive - and neither ought we to endlessly revisit them because we cannot understand how the Father allowed us to suffer so much in our childhood. The mistaken power that has come into the churches in many places is the belief that ministering or as it is so often conceived of - counselling - is a false ministry and has nothing to do with the remedy the Father has given us in His Son. It has in fact nothing to do with the church and should be kept in the clinic where those who see a disease of the mind do not try to effect a spiritual change but concern themselves with effecting behavioural change to help people get on with life. But that psychological predication is precisely where I made the distinction earlier in this OP and spoke of intuition and discernment. Soul and spirit.

When I preach on these things and people hear me for the first time some folks come to me afterwards and exclaim how sorry they are for what I endured when I was a child. Unfathomable cruelty by a schizophrenic mother with sadistic tendencies and a father who utterly hated God and would smash me in the face and then ask me why he had done it as the blood sprayed across the wall. I always told him that it was because he loved me. And he always told me that he did not love me in reply. So when folks tell me how sorry they are I ask them why they are sorry when the Father prepared me for His work by these precise means. Most folks say nothing at all and quietly go to their homes and reflect on their own childhood and the hidden abuse they have buried in their own minds and finally began to see that this old man went to the cross and they are now a new man in Christ.

I think that the character of the brethren you grew up with is more reflective of the latter premise and is likely because it is a belief in the core doctrines that uphold us even when we cannot really empathise with others suffering in life. So as you have said - there is no one to talk to. But I am glad that you have opened up here and you seem to be able to ask remarkable questions as well.

So how did the Lord save me?

When I was seven years old just before I finally yielded to the ambition of Satan working through my mother, I was sitting in a cinema with my classmates from the school I attended. All 40 of them. We were watching a film that was released in 1965 just 10 months later in 1966, called THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD. Right at the very end of this film I saw the hammer of the Roman soldier coming down to strike the nails into the Lord's hands. Then I realised that tears were running down my face. And not a few of them but rather too many to make sense of it. And I was suddenly gripped with a thought about my class mates. I asked myself if they were crying also. So I looked around as best as I could and could not see any tears.

After one particular difficult time of ministry with a young man who was so traumatised that he could not find any peace and lived a debauched life and filled up his lusts to excess I wrote the following prayer for him and did not explain that I was writing my own testimony. So I asked him to pray himself in like manner because he too knew the Lord and yet he had fallen away badly.

O Lord my God when I first knew of you Lord in the recess of my heart, I was yet a child. Though I could not understand the magnitude of your throne and the breadth of your canopies, I knew that you were true God. In my childish manner I was received into your courts, and as a child I believed that all my friends were good. So as I looked at them in the quiet place of needing to understand why Christ died, I saw that none were weeping Lord. In my consternation I asked myself why? Yet I cannot say O Lord that they despised you or that they did not have their thoughts and neither can I say that they did not have their burdens and their pains also. In that instant Lord, I knew only that you were my Lord and that you had given your life on the cross. And I knew that I wept and my friends were dry. Selah

Now O Lord these many years later I come before you a child, no longer innocent of offending your glory and no longer innocent of the breadth and depth of your great love with which you have loved all men. It is as though I am ruined, Lord. It is as if I have thrown all your tables down and scattered your plates. Hear my cry O Lord. Restore unto me O Lord the joy of your salvation and renew a right spirit within me. Forgive me, Father, that I no longer look through eyes that are sanctified by tears, which when as a child I knew in my childish innocence. Forgive me O Lord that now through the trials of life by which I have come to know that though my friends were dry, their pain was real and their consternation was no less than my own. You knew them all O Lord and yet you gave me tears. Selah

Forgive me Father, that I have walked only in the remembrance of my childish tears seeing that Christ died, and grant me the burden to remember that it was my sins that brought your Son to the cross. Cause me to know Father, that the remembrance of my innocence when I wept of your Son, and my childish tears will not now deliver my wretched friends for who's sake He also died. Forgive me, Father, that I have taken confidence in childish tears which by now are a ruined house, and ought to have come into your dominion wherein it is no longer possible to see only my pain and my grief in life, but must now also see the great love with which you have loved all men through your beloved Son. Forgive me Lord my God, that I have thrown down your tables and scattered your plates so that my friends who were dry when I wept, are now scattered also. Have mercy O Lord, and gather them into your fold. Amen

I will post the witness soon. God Bless you sister.

This is a beautifully written prayer.