- Jan 18, 2018
- 96
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- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Does God really love me? Or is he just playing with me? You know, I've come to God because he came into my life and healed me. I never asked to be born. I never asked for this God forsaked life. He can just take the whole useless thing back. I tried. I read the Bible to no avail. I feel nothing but condemnation from it. I tried prayer and don't get anything answered. I begged him and got scoffed at. Literally the only reason I care anymore is because I don't want to go to help. Which is a real loving thing isn't it. Eternal salvation from a so called loving God because we didn't meet his ridiculous expectations of perfection. If you think I'm wrong, read matthew. Jesus says it. Be perfect. Also, what about my family? I'm just supposed to be okay with the God who will throw my loved ones in Help? Just because they aren't chosen. Because that's really what it comes down to, isn't it? Who is elect before the foundation of the world. God just throws most of us away because he can and only chooses a few that won't burn in cut wrenching torment for all eternity. And then he has the audacity to say that we don't get to talk back because we are the pottery and he is the potter and can do as he pleases. Even if that means hell that we have no choice over. There's this thing where people say that the elect are the ones who choose to follow God. Not so. God chooses. Read the Bible. Our faith comes from him. He chooses whose eyes to open to the truth. He chooses to do whatever he wants. And we have no salvation unless he chooses to give us grace. Which is great for the saved but what about the people he doesn't choose. How can I love this God? Also, how can I believe I am still saved. Since I have seen God in my life, everything has gone downhill. My health is deteriorating. I am in constant pain and illness. My mental health is destroyed and I don't even know who I am anymore. I have no peace. The bible only gives me fear mainly. I lost my family to the world and they don't like me as much at all for the most part anymore. Nothing goes right and everything I do falls apart. I constantly have thoughts that destroy me: I'm reprobate. I'm not enough. God hates me. I'm not really saved. God abandoned me. Helm will be horrible. All of these. Every day. And it never relentz. My mind is plagued. I see almost no love in God. I see no fruit of the Holy Spirit. I am not sure if I'm reprobate or not. It sure swims around in my head enough. I am stuck in sin and can't seem to get out of it. I go back and forth between being angry with and loving God. I have cursed at him and said evil things, which I still feel horrible about but I just get into these moods and I can't help it. I have no power. I begged for God's help and got nothing. Not Spiritually. My relationship with God feels hopeless. I have fought with God and repented and fought and repented and so on. I am truly verily at breaking point. I want to die and yet the only reason I am still here is because I fear hell. How can I love God when I am terrified of even everything that has to do with him? I wonder if this isn't God just punishing me or if this is Satan. I feel everything and yet nothing. I just don't want to be here anymore. If God really loved me, I would think things would be different. Like it says they should be in the Bible for anyone that believes. Where's the peace? Where's the encouragement? I want to give my life to God but not for no reason. It says in the Bible that many will strive. Many will think that they are saved and even do miracles. None of these people are actually guaranteed salvation except who God chooses. The rest are put under delusion. By GOD. Few will actually make it. That doesn't give me much encouragement. What chance do I have? I can't do much of anything well on earth. How will this be any different with God. I know it says he will help us but I just don't believe that. I believe he will help others but not me. Many experiences have taught me that. I don't even really feel conviction anymore. Just pain. My life is horrible. I want God but not like this. Not the God who doesn't care about humanity. He obviously doesn't want me anyway. If he did, he would give me peace. Ice sought him so many times and every time I've fallen away. Know why? Because I read the Bible. I read it and verses condemn me. Everything is few shall enter and this and that about hell and even more verses about election. And they never fail to drag me down into despair. A loving God I would think would help me instead of constant pressure and tests. Would give me tho Holy spirit. Would give me peace and encouragement and hope. Would answer me. I don't even feel like I can hear God anymore. But even at the best of times, my mind constantly doubts if I'm really hearing God. Just like I doubt everything else. YouTube and Google don't help but it's better than not understanding the Bible or not feeling close to God. Except that they both make things worse at the same time. I can't do this I feel for very much longer. I want Heaven but God doesn't seem to want me. Am I reprobate? Has God given up. I've sinned a lot. And I'm sorry but I sinned because I don't see hope and I can't seem to stop sinning no matter how much I pray. I pray to God someone will answer me for God. I can't seem to hear him. I'm sorry to you all and im sorry to God. I hope that he can forgive this
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