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This is continuing from Stuck in a Vicious Cycle Because of Overthinking Part 1 of this thread.
At this point I'm scrutinizing every little thing in my mind. It's like everything in my mind that I think, believe, and feel, is getting questioned. When I'm trying to remind myself of God's goodness, all that He's done for me, God's plan for me, then I'll hear in the back of my mind,
"Do you really believe that?"
"That's just in your mind, not your heart."
These thoughts are all geared toward doubt. I'll be reassured by God's word at one moment, then the next, often hours later, I'll be caught up in fear and distress again. And I can't stand it. I'm so scared of having dead faith and not putting enough trust in God, no matter how hard I'm trying. I have to remember that He's fighting for me, even when I don't always realize it. There have been several times when I thought that I couldn't do this anymore, and that I wanted to give up. But I don't want to! I then rebuke these thoughts and say no, I can't give up. God doesn't want me to give up. I am rebuking these horrible thoughts constantly. Some of the most off-the-wall things have come into my mind, and then I consider that these are intrusive thoughts, which just fly in out of nowhere and make no sense of all, definitely don't feel natural. They don't feel like me. But then in the back of my mind I'll hear,
"Do you really believe that these things are of the devil? Or are you just telling yourself these things? Maybe this is all you."
It's like even as I'm rebuking these thoughts and reminding myself of the devil's tactics, in the back of my mind something will be trying to convince me of other things. It's gotten worse. I'm scared that even after I read God's word, carefully, praying for His word to absorb into my spirit, uncertainty tries to creep in, and then I feel sick. I feel like I'm going crazy. I remembered learning that you can't blame everything on the devil and so I overthink that to mean that must mean this is all me. My overthinking goes to the extreme. I find that as I'm trying to get clarity from His Holy Spirit first and foremost, then I really like to read other's testimony and learn how they through God have dealt with these similar things. I believe God speaks through people on earth to help others understand more about the truth. But then I know I've got to be careful about how much time I spend reading things. Because I've learned that some people spread false doctrine, some people are just saying really off-the-wall things, and not every interpretation of God's Word is quite right.
Another problem that I'm having is, with overthinking, my mind takes individual things that I've learned from God's Word and people's testimonies and it over-analyzes. For example, I recently learned about how God sends strong delusions to those who have hardened their hearts to Him. And those people will be suffering horrible things like a plague, they'll be buying into a false sense of security. Then I'm lead into this idea that this is me, that I've must've hardened my heart, and so God is giving me the silent treatment. I don't know how after reading that I'm lead into that, but I should realize, again, these are the kind of things that the devil wants me to believe. And if I believe these things, then I'd stop praying and end up giving up completely. I don't want to do that. These things are so upsetting to talk about, it's just horrible. It's like in my mind I don't know what's me anymore, what's in my heart and what isn't. And I'm tired of this. I don't want to take ownership of these horrible thoughts. I think about the idea what if this is what I'm becoming and then I'm horrified by these thoughts. I once read about someone who is afraid of being told by God when we stand before Him "I never knew you," because of a lack of faith in this life. This got into my mind and I've become terrified,
"What if this ends up being my fate? Because I just didn't understand." All these horrible things to imagine and I don't want to be caught up in these thoughts, I'm scared of letting these things get to me. So many times I've almost convinced myself that all these blasphemous thoughts about God are from me. These horrible thoughts these days that I'm hearing, like God is evil, God is a hypocrite, God is a liar. And I know these are lies from the pits of hell, and I know in my heart that I would never want to believe that, and I don't believe this. God has left you, you've done too many bad things and so you're done. God is angry at you. I'm hearing horrible things from F**k God's commandments to F**k the Holy Bible. I'm just tired of this. I'm rebuking these thoughts all day long, and these feelings that I've suffered.
I've learned about the different types of soils in which the seed of God's Word is planted. I focused on one of them, which receiving the seed on stony grounds. How those people will read God's Word, immediately have enthusiasm, but then that goes away quickly. Those who receive the seed by the wayside, those who receive the seed among the thorns. My mind is trying to convince myself that one of those things are me and that'll never overcome it. And I just cried, and I keep calling out to God to help me and telling Him that I don't want to end up like one of those people, that I want to receive the seed on good grounds. I've been so focused this and overthinking it and I just feel sick. I keep thinking that one of those things are me and I don't want to think that. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to guide me and to deliver me from this suffering, and the doubt tries to come in and tell me that I don't really believe that I'll get help. It's horrible, I don't want to give into this doubt, fear, and uncertainty, and I'm scared that it's taking over my mind.
These days, I find that I'm just scrutinizing every little thing in my mind, and my prayer. Every time I pray then I'll be told from the back of my mind that my prayer is not genuine and God won't hear me. That I'm only telling God what He wants to hear and I'm putting on a show for Him, which is really upsetting. I rebuke these thoughts and ask God to reassure me that He does hear me, that He knows my heart, that He hasn't left me and of course will never leave me, as promised. I think back to His promises. There's a lot that my mom has explained to me about this battle, as I believe and she herself believes that God is using her to teach my brother and I His Word. I always tell her about what's happening with me in this battle, and she explains this to me that it's all in the mind, this is a battle for my mind and the devil is trying to take away God's word from my heart. These horrible things in my mind about myself, my situation all go into the devil trying to trip me up and that I can't listen to him. The devil is the master of manipulation and the accuser of the brethren. He'll make things in the mind seem real when they aren't. I have to keep fighting this. And I can't deal with this alone, I know that.
Another thing that I'm struggling with just goes back to me overthinking and over-analyzing God's word. I'm confusing myself so much about what God expects of me. I'm trying to understand more about doing the works of the Father. I've since learned about people who rely on their own good deeds for faith and those people won't be saved. I'm glad I learned this. But now my mind is getting everything confused, with me wondering if focusing so much on avoiding these things God doesn't want us involved in means I'm getting caught up in my own good deeds. Reflecting on this I realize that doesn't even make sense. Which is just another way the devil wants to trip me up. My mom explained that the devil is going to try to throw anything my way so that I'm always confused, as Satan is the author of confusion. She explained that the devil hates the fact that I'm reading the Word and trying to grow closer with God, so the devil wants to try and stop this.
Last major issue I want to address is just how my mind is scrutinizing every thing that I think about and pay attention to in this day to day life. I'm trying to understand the things that God doesn't want me to be caught up in, from what I watch on tv, to what I read, to what music I listen to and so on. I've become more and more worried about whether this is ok or that's ok. Whether this is a sin or that's a sin. And it's draining me, I'm just wearing myself out thinking about these things throughout the day with every activity of mine. It's gotten so bad. I am asking God for help with these things, praying about every thing I choose to involve myself in and ask God if this or that is ok. And I'm trying to listen carefully for what He says. But because I'm caught up in so much overthinking, I'm worried about not being able to recognize when He is in fact telling me something. So I ask Him for the gift of discernment.
Everyone, it's just gotten so bad. Has anyone experience things like this at this level of severity. I was hoping some of you would give me advice on how God has delivered you from this. Again, please pray for me. I just feel sick right now.
At this point I'm scrutinizing every little thing in my mind. It's like everything in my mind that I think, believe, and feel, is getting questioned. When I'm trying to remind myself of God's goodness, all that He's done for me, God's plan for me, then I'll hear in the back of my mind,
"Do you really believe that?"
"That's just in your mind, not your heart."
These thoughts are all geared toward doubt. I'll be reassured by God's word at one moment, then the next, often hours later, I'll be caught up in fear and distress again. And I can't stand it. I'm so scared of having dead faith and not putting enough trust in God, no matter how hard I'm trying. I have to remember that He's fighting for me, even when I don't always realize it. There have been several times when I thought that I couldn't do this anymore, and that I wanted to give up. But I don't want to! I then rebuke these thoughts and say no, I can't give up. God doesn't want me to give up. I am rebuking these horrible thoughts constantly. Some of the most off-the-wall things have come into my mind, and then I consider that these are intrusive thoughts, which just fly in out of nowhere and make no sense of all, definitely don't feel natural. They don't feel like me. But then in the back of my mind I'll hear,
"Do you really believe that these things are of the devil? Or are you just telling yourself these things? Maybe this is all you."
It's like even as I'm rebuking these thoughts and reminding myself of the devil's tactics, in the back of my mind something will be trying to convince me of other things. It's gotten worse. I'm scared that even after I read God's word, carefully, praying for His word to absorb into my spirit, uncertainty tries to creep in, and then I feel sick. I feel like I'm going crazy. I remembered learning that you can't blame everything on the devil and so I overthink that to mean that must mean this is all me. My overthinking goes to the extreme. I find that as I'm trying to get clarity from His Holy Spirit first and foremost, then I really like to read other's testimony and learn how they through God have dealt with these similar things. I believe God speaks through people on earth to help others understand more about the truth. But then I know I've got to be careful about how much time I spend reading things. Because I've learned that some people spread false doctrine, some people are just saying really off-the-wall things, and not every interpretation of God's Word is quite right.
Another problem that I'm having is, with overthinking, my mind takes individual things that I've learned from God's Word and people's testimonies and it over-analyzes. For example, I recently learned about how God sends strong delusions to those who have hardened their hearts to Him. And those people will be suffering horrible things like a plague, they'll be buying into a false sense of security. Then I'm lead into this idea that this is me, that I've must've hardened my heart, and so God is giving me the silent treatment. I don't know how after reading that I'm lead into that, but I should realize, again, these are the kind of things that the devil wants me to believe. And if I believe these things, then I'd stop praying and end up giving up completely. I don't want to do that. These things are so upsetting to talk about, it's just horrible. It's like in my mind I don't know what's me anymore, what's in my heart and what isn't. And I'm tired of this. I don't want to take ownership of these horrible thoughts. I think about the idea what if this is what I'm becoming and then I'm horrified by these thoughts. I once read about someone who is afraid of being told by God when we stand before Him "I never knew you," because of a lack of faith in this life. This got into my mind and I've become terrified,
"What if this ends up being my fate? Because I just didn't understand." All these horrible things to imagine and I don't want to be caught up in these thoughts, I'm scared of letting these things get to me. So many times I've almost convinced myself that all these blasphemous thoughts about God are from me. These horrible thoughts these days that I'm hearing, like God is evil, God is a hypocrite, God is a liar. And I know these are lies from the pits of hell, and I know in my heart that I would never want to believe that, and I don't believe this. God has left you, you've done too many bad things and so you're done. God is angry at you. I'm hearing horrible things from F**k God's commandments to F**k the Holy Bible. I'm just tired of this. I'm rebuking these thoughts all day long, and these feelings that I've suffered.
I've learned about the different types of soils in which the seed of God's Word is planted. I focused on one of them, which receiving the seed on stony grounds. How those people will read God's Word, immediately have enthusiasm, but then that goes away quickly. Those who receive the seed by the wayside, those who receive the seed among the thorns. My mind is trying to convince myself that one of those things are me and that'll never overcome it. And I just cried, and I keep calling out to God to help me and telling Him that I don't want to end up like one of those people, that I want to receive the seed on good grounds. I've been so focused this and overthinking it and I just feel sick. I keep thinking that one of those things are me and I don't want to think that. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to guide me and to deliver me from this suffering, and the doubt tries to come in and tell me that I don't really believe that I'll get help. It's horrible, I don't want to give into this doubt, fear, and uncertainty, and I'm scared that it's taking over my mind.
These days, I find that I'm just scrutinizing every little thing in my mind, and my prayer. Every time I pray then I'll be told from the back of my mind that my prayer is not genuine and God won't hear me. That I'm only telling God what He wants to hear and I'm putting on a show for Him, which is really upsetting. I rebuke these thoughts and ask God to reassure me that He does hear me, that He knows my heart, that He hasn't left me and of course will never leave me, as promised. I think back to His promises. There's a lot that my mom has explained to me about this battle, as I believe and she herself believes that God is using her to teach my brother and I His Word. I always tell her about what's happening with me in this battle, and she explains this to me that it's all in the mind, this is a battle for my mind and the devil is trying to take away God's word from my heart. These horrible things in my mind about myself, my situation all go into the devil trying to trip me up and that I can't listen to him. The devil is the master of manipulation and the accuser of the brethren. He'll make things in the mind seem real when they aren't. I have to keep fighting this. And I can't deal with this alone, I know that.
Another thing that I'm struggling with just goes back to me overthinking and over-analyzing God's word. I'm confusing myself so much about what God expects of me. I'm trying to understand more about doing the works of the Father. I've since learned about people who rely on their own good deeds for faith and those people won't be saved. I'm glad I learned this. But now my mind is getting everything confused, with me wondering if focusing so much on avoiding these things God doesn't want us involved in means I'm getting caught up in my own good deeds. Reflecting on this I realize that doesn't even make sense. Which is just another way the devil wants to trip me up. My mom explained that the devil is going to try to throw anything my way so that I'm always confused, as Satan is the author of confusion. She explained that the devil hates the fact that I'm reading the Word and trying to grow closer with God, so the devil wants to try and stop this.
Last major issue I want to address is just how my mind is scrutinizing every thing that I think about and pay attention to in this day to day life. I'm trying to understand the things that God doesn't want me to be caught up in, from what I watch on tv, to what I read, to what music I listen to and so on. I've become more and more worried about whether this is ok or that's ok. Whether this is a sin or that's a sin. And it's draining me, I'm just wearing myself out thinking about these things throughout the day with every activity of mine. It's gotten so bad. I am asking God for help with these things, praying about every thing I choose to involve myself in and ask God if this or that is ok. And I'm trying to listen carefully for what He says. But because I'm caught up in so much overthinking, I'm worried about not being able to recognize when He is in fact telling me something. So I ask Him for the gift of discernment.
Everyone, it's just gotten so bad. Has anyone experience things like this at this level of severity. I was hoping some of you would give me advice on how God has delivered you from this. Again, please pray for me. I just feel sick right now.
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