(Orthodox) Help me see what is right

[AMM]

Good morning and a blessed commemoration of St Mary of Egypt. I have an issue I am struggling with - and have been wrestling with for a while. I do not know what is the truly loving thing to do, or how to proceed forward, so I am looking for input and prayers. If anyone simply wants to offer prayers, I will contain my situation in a Spoiler, so that you need not read it if you don't want.

Spoiler

As many of you know, I am dating someone who suffers from mental health conditions, such as anxiety and depression, and has terrible nightmares and panic attacks. Before we even started dating, we were good friends, and on a few occasions, I would be with her until late at night due to a panic attack that she had, and would sometimes sleep with her (not an innuendo -- I would literally just be in the same bed), in order that when she awoke from a dreadful nightmare or panic attack, I would be there to console her and help her get through.

After we started dating, this evolved into sharing a bed almost every night (we were both college students and lived in adjacent dormitories). In large part, that was because the panic attacks and nightmares began to increase in frequency, and began happening every single night. I justified this by saying that I was staying with her, not out of lust or sin, but out of love and kindness, in order to help her when she sought help. But I also had conflicted feelings about it, because it seemed like we were cohabiting and living together.

After I graduated, she still had one year of school left, but at this point, it had become our habit that whenever we were together (if I came to visit for the weekend, if we were traveling, etc.), at night we would share the bed. Now, during this time of pandemic and quarantine, I have not even seen her since mid-March (besides FaceTime calls), and will likely not see her for quite a while until the quarantines are lifted. That, as well as the reflective and pensive time of Great Lent, has given me the opportunity to reflect on this issue a bit more seriously. In particular, some of my readings this morning (a sermon from Holy Cross Monastery, and an email from my priest to our community) have showed me that I need to take this gift from God of a Lenten "desert" and "behold what needs to be cleansed, transformed, or eliminated" in my soul.

I really don't know what is right. What is loving.

Is it wrong of us to cohabit like this? Is cohabitation always and necessarily sinful and unloving? Or is this a loving action to do: as opposed to a legalistic following of a law that ends up being more cruel than bending the law.

I hope this makes sense, and I hope I have provided enough information for you all, in your prayers and kindness, to help guide me on the path of Christ, while not providing to much information to scandalize or harm any of you in your own Lenten struggles. Pray for me, an unworthy sinner. Thank you in advance for your input

 

[Phronema]

I did read it, but unfortunately I'm am in no way, shape, or form qualified to answer the question in a pastoral manner.

I hate to sound cliché, but this sounds like a perfect question for your priest

I hope you're having a blessed Holy and Great Lent.

 

[ArmyMatt]

as a priest, I would say to stop sharing a bed, even if nothing sexual is happening.

if you have to share a place, separate rooms.

and definitely talk to your priest about this.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Prayers for you.

I will only say that I can see your dilemma. I am also in no way qualified to answer it - I would only be able to say ask your priest.

And prayers for you both.

 

[AMM]

Prayers for you.

I will only say that I can see your dilemma. I am also in no way qualified to answer it - I would only be able to say ask your priest.

And prayers for you both.

I did read it, but unfortunately I'm am in no way, shape, or form qualified to answer the question in a pastoral manner.

I hate to sound cliché, but this sounds like a perfect question for your priest

I hope you're having a blessed Holy and Great Lent.

as a priest, I would say to stop sharing a bed, even if nothing sexual is happening.

if you have to share a place, separate rooms.

and definitely talk to your priest about this.

Thank you all for your input and prayers. I’ll talk to my priest... which leads me back to the problem of this pandemic: I can’t go see my priest anytime soon (my state is under a stay at home order for quite a while). It doesn’t seem like this is the type of thing I should send an email about, but perhaps that is just my old Sinful Man talking and trying to prevent me from facing this issue and confronting it with my priest. Thoughts?

 

[ArmyMatt]

however you can contact him, I think you should, even if it isn't ideal.

 

[Not David]

Thank you all for your input and prayers. I’ll talk to my priest... which leads me back to the problem of this pandemic: I can’t go see my priest anytime soon (my state is under a stay at home order for quite a while). It doesn’t seem like this is the type of thing I should send an email about, but perhaps that is just my old Sinful Man talking and trying to prevent me from facing this issue and confronting it with my priest. Thoughts?

I mean, you are not staying with your girlfriend right now.

 

[AMM]

I mean, you are not staying with your girlfriend right now.

This is true. We’re actually in completely different states at the moment

But I can see how it would be good to address this sooner than later, at least to start the dialogue with my priest even if that doesn’t directly impact my day to day actions at this moment

 

[~Anastasia~]

Phone call?

 

[AMM]

Phone call?

That’s another good thought. I think that would make it more personal and more like a regular face-to-face. But I have never been the biggest fan of phone calls in general haha, I like the ability to ponder and think about what the person said and think about my response. That said... it would be more personal and it does make for an easier discussion, properly speaking (as opposed to just the question-answer nature of email)

 

[~Anastasia~]

That’s another good thought. I think that would make it more personal and more like a regular face-to-face. But I have never been the biggest fan of phone calls in general haha, I like the ability to ponder and think about what the person said and think about my response. That said... it would be more personal and it does make for an easier discussion, properly speaking (as opposed to just the question-answer nature of email)

I understand since I’d be on the fence too. I don’t like talking on the phone (it’s sometimes hard for me to understand what people are saying if I can’t see them) and written communication is far more precise and suited for me.

But this does sound like something where you’d want to have actual back-and-forth communication so you can talk about the nuances and reasons.

I hope you can communicate with him however you need to.

 

[AMM]

I am going to write an email to him for starters, and pretty much just paste in what I had written above, with some slight edits (since he knows me). And we'll start there. I will say I'm nervous, but having already written about the situation up above will make it easier for me... and I'm trying to keep St John Chrysostom in mind, "be ashamed when you sin, not when you repent." Maybe this doesn't count as repentance just yet, but I think I'm at least looking at the door of repentance now instead of pretending it doesn't exist...

Through the prayers of the Theotokos, St Mary of Egypt, and St Zosima, Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me a sinner

 

[AMM]

He wants to discuss it privately in person... even if I wear a mask, I'm still nervous that I am unknowingly a carrier of the virus, and I do not want to risk spreading it...

 

[ArmyMatt]

He wants to discuss it privately in person... even if I wear a mask, I'm still nervous that I am unknowingly a carrier of the virus, and I do not want to risk spreading it...

in person could be over FaceTime or Skype.

 

[SeaCrystalFish]

You should have sought a psychologist instead, or her relatives to confort her during the night.

I apologize for saying this, but what if you two did not get married, and she ended up with another man. Would that not be very painful? Shameful even?

(I am not a pastor, this is just my opinion.)

 

[AMM]

in person could be over FaceTime or Skype.

thanks, I will suggest and ask about something like that.

 

[ArmyMatt]

thanks, I will suggest and ask about something like that.

no problem

 

[AMM]

We ended up meeting in person tonight at the chapel, but just sat about 8 feet apart and both wore facemasks. I washed my hands before leaving my house and put disinfectant on after I got out of my car, and I didn’t kiss his hand or anything, so hopefully no germs were spread. I won’t go into the details, but I will say that it was very helpful, so thank you to all who encouraged me to talk to him!

 

[ArmyMatt]

thank God!

 

[~Anastasia~]

Glory to God!