Hi Misty Girl, I am
very sorry to hear about all that you are going through with your son right now. We have a similar problem with our 19 yr old, who is presently in jail for drug possession, assault and property damage.
I believe it's our job as parents to support our children, at least when they are bettering their lives, but my wife and I have had to take the "tough love" approach with him here of late, and have, for instance, refused to bail him out (or to allow him to live here with us again when he does get out) if he continues to choose to destroy his life instead. That means ~NO~ drugs or alcohol, period, and it means he needs to respect us. If not (if he doesn't pass his county-ordered drug tests, which happen 3x per week, or if he acts in a harsh or violent manner towards us again), he will have to leave immediately.
The thing is, your son and mine are both adults now (so they are now very much their own person, and we can only influence them as far as they will allow us to). So we are not required to support them any longer, but if we do choose to support them .. in anyway .. when they are drinking, doing drugs, and/or being violent (which includes something as basic as feeding them), then we are choosing to support their destructive behavior and by doing so, we not only allow but encourage them to continue in it.
Quite frankly, the only thing that patience, kindness and normal, loving support has resulted in (in the case of our son recently) has been him getting worse and getting into more and more trouble (if the life squad had not gotten to him in time with a Narcan injection we would have already lost him, on July 30th this summer).
My wife and I get counseling from our pastor, and we go to Nar-Anon meetings (AA's support meetings for family members/friends of drug addicts). We were also members of a teen rehab program as his parents, and we learned a TON of stuff there as well. You should definitely stay in close contact with your pastor, get as much information as you can about drug addiction and how to handle it, and I'm certain that Nar-Anon meetings will help you as well .. just Google Nar-Anon so you can find the meeting places and times).
"Tough love" is well named, because leaving your son in jail rather than bailing them out, or telling him that he needs to leave your home the moment he fails to obey your hard and fast rules at home, is like getting socked in the gut (at the very least), but we've figured out that when we try to "rescue" our son from his troubles he just gets in more trouble (figuring that we'll just bail him out/rescue him again).
Here are the 3 "C's" of addiction that are useful for family members of addicts to regularly remember, especially when we need to choose to express our love for our kids in a "tough" way (which we do for our children's good & well-being).
1. I didn't cause it.
2. I can't cure it.
3. I can't control it. (only our sons can choose to do that)
Praying for you (and for your son, of course)!
BTW, it's time like these when we really need to do what we are always supposed to be doing as Christians anyway, ask Him for His help, and then fully "trust" Him when we do. Remember that our kids are His and always have been, we are simply given the great privilege of being part of their lives as their human parents
God bless you! (
Numbers 6:24-26)
--David
p.s. - I should also say,
WELCOME TO CF
.