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Hello I'm in need of advice

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Misty Girl, Nov 6, 2018.

  1. Misty Girl

    Misty Girl New Member

    19
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    United States
    Protestant
    Divorced
    Hello I'm new to this forum I don't know where to turn. I am a single mother being abused by my 18 year old son. My son is repeating 12th grade for not going, he is repeating it because he is in special education for PTSD and anger management all caused by domestic violence and a really bad divorce,losing our home and my ex husbands family disowning him. My son smokes marijuana and has got me evicted from my last apartment for smoking it in the house and threatening neighbor. He badgers me and destroys my home and my things if he doesn't get money for drugs or take out food. My only option is to have him arrested or throw him out which I am having a hard time doing. I feel like giving up he is sucking the life out of me. I can't do it anymore and he won't talk to any professional I feel he is ruining his life and my life and I am having a hard time giving up on him
     
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  2. HTacianas

    HTacianas Well-Known Member

    +1,673
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    Time for some tough love. If he refuses to go to school kick him out. Call the police and have him removed. He will come around sooner or later.
     
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  3. sunshine100

    sunshine100 Active Member

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    I'm so sorry to hear this ,I would say to get him help,if you need to call the police,if you need to,I'm praying for you.
     
  4. sunshine100

    sunshine100 Active Member

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    Christian
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    I agree
     
  5. HTacianas

    HTacianas Well-Known Member

    +1,673
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    Trust me, the "biblical" solution is tougher:

    [​IMG]Deu 21:18 - If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

    [​IMG]Deu 21:19 - Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

    [​IMG]Deu 21:20 - And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

    [​IMG]Deu 21:21 - And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

    Of course nowadays we would take him to the elders of the city and have him sent off to youth camp somewhere. Sometimes it works.
     
  6. Richard T

    Richard T Active Member

    290
    +158
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    Welcome to the forum. I know there is no easy answer but hopefully more people will chime in their suggestions. Meanwhile, I am sure many will prayer for this situation. Getting as close to God as possible always provides a better reaction to any situation.
     
  7. Humble me Lord

    Humble me Lord Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,123
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Hello Misty Girl, I really feel for you.
    Although we only have a limited amount of information, I think I know your situation. Torn between the love for your son, and your sanity and well being. The boy is 18, and it's time for him to face consequences for his actions. I understand your wanting to protect him, but he needs to learn, and unfortunately it may need to be the hard way.
    My wife's best friend has a son that sounds about the same. He is now in prison because she never put her foot down, coddled him his whole life, snuck money to him all the time and claimed it was because she loved him. I say, it ruined him.
    It will not be easy, but I advise putting your foot down, drawing a line in the sand and when he crosses it, he's out. I feel if you don't do this, he will keep manipulating the love you have for him to keep stringing you along to get what he wants.
    Praying for you and your son, God bless you
     
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  8. seeking.IAM

    seeking.IAM Episcopalian Supporter

    +1,539
    Anglican
    Married
    I once told a 19-year-old son he had to leave my house after giving him ample warning. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I felt horrible like I was the worst parent ever. But kicking him out didn't mean I gave up on him. I always let him know he was welcome when he could act differently. We were estranged for a few years by his choice, but over time he pulled himself together. Today we have a very close relationship. Years later I expressed my regret to him. He told me not to worry, that I had been right and did what needed to be done.

    I can't promise your situation will turn out the same, but I can tell you it's possible.
     
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  9. Misty Girl

    Misty Girl New Member

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    Protestant
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    You are so right and I don't want him to end up in prison. Everything you said is so true and what I fear. He is hanging around with bad people that are not good for him. I had the police here once because he wouldn't wake up from drugs and I was going to have him taken to the hospital but because he is 18 he can refuse help.I feel if I throw him out he will end up with these people. I feel I created a monster. The school said he has no confidence at all and I don't want him to feel the only one he has left has given up on him
     
  10. Misty Girl

    Misty Girl New Member

    19
    +19
    United States
    Protestant
    Divorced
    He has actually affected my heath I got shingles and high blood pressure due to this and hardly sleep
     
  11. Thess

    Thess Active Member

    354
    +105
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Divorced
    You are right about so much, as I was once like your son who wanted to die for sixteen years of my life, and that also included wanting to murder those that so horribly betrayed me as a little child. I, too, suffered from no confidence and let me tell you, living like this is terrible. We are so far from God! Those without confidence do very little other than think about themselves and the amount of problems we have. Without confidence, we dwell on ourselves, but with healthy confidence, we focus on and love others.

    How did he get here? Well, the truth is that we as "mature adults" really don't have the answers because "mature adults" are rarely ever that. Do those around your son provide him with a solid example to follow? Who are his role models? Who has harmed him? Who has altered his thinking in ways that would allow him to believe that he is substandard in any way? When we find out who it is that has diminished his spirit, then we have something to grab ahold of, something by which to push away from so as to gain direction, so-to-speak.

    Most importantly, only a confident person can restore a weak and insecure person. Basically, the adults around your son must LIVE the example of confidence and what it is to be "mature". We must be the person that we expect our children to become.

    You're doing great by identifying the problem....wow, you are so far ahead! I believe in you, so keep going and learn what it takes to recover our natural state of confidence and dignity. Thank you for sharing!
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2018
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  12. Misty Girl

    Misty Girl New Member

    19
    +19
    United States
    Protestant
    Divorced
    I believe his father having nothing to do with him harmed him , I also believe he is depressed and doesn't know how to deal with it. I have brought him to many professionals and he refuses to speak to them.I did and do coddle him and he is very immature and I blame myself for a lot.
     
  13. St_Worm2

    St_Worm2 Senior Member Supporter

    +35,483
    United States
    Calvinist
    Married
    US-Republican
    Hi Misty Girl, I am very sorry to hear about all that you are going through with your son right now. We have a similar problem with our 19 yr old, who is presently in jail awaiting his trial for drug possession, assault and property damage.

    I believe it's our job as parents to support our children, at least when they are choosing to ~better/advance~ their lives, but my wife and I have had to take the "tough love" approach with him here of late, and have, for instance, refused to bail him out, or to allow him to live here with us again when he does get out if he continues to choose to ~destroy~ his life instead. In our/his case that means ~NO~ drugs or alcohol, period, and it means he needs to respect us. If not (if he doesn't pass his county-ordered drug tests, which happen 3x per week, and/or if he acts in a harsh or violent manner towards us or anyone else again), he will have to leave our home immediately.

    The thing is, your son and mine are both adults now (so they are now very much their own person, and we can only influence them as far as they will allow us to). We are not required to support them any longer (which includes something as basic as feeding them), but if we do choose to do so (when they are still drinking, doing drugs, and/or being violent), then we are not only choosing to support their destructive behavior, but encouraging them to continue in it (parents should never support the destructive behaviors of their children, particularly their adult children).

    Quite frankly, the only thing that patience, kindness and normal, loving support has resulted in (in the case of our son recently) has been him getting worse and getting into more and more trouble (in fact, if the life squad had not gotten to him in time with a Narcan injection on July 30th this summer, we would have already lost him).

    My wife and I get counseling from our pastor, and we go to Nar-Anon meetings (AA's support meetings for family members/friends of drug addicts). We were also members of a teen rehab program as his parents, and we learned a TON of stuff there as well. You should stay in close contact with your pastor, get as much information as you can about drug addiction and how to handle it, and I'm certain that Nar-Anon meetings will be helpful to you as you will see that you are hardly alone in all of this (and you'll get some GREAT advice at Nar-Anon as well .. just Google Nar-Anon so you can find the meeting places and times nearby).

    "Tough Love" is well named, because leaving your son in jail (for instance), rather than bailing him out, or telling him that he needs to leave your home the moment he fails to obey your hard and fast rules (like both taking and passing his drug tests), is like getting socked in the gut (at the very least), but we've figured out that when we try to "rescue" our son from his troubles he just goes and gets himself in more trouble (figuring that we'll just bail him out/rescue him again).

    Here are the 3 "C's" of addiction that are useful for family members of addicts to regularly remember, especially when we need to choose to express our love for our kids in a "tough" way (which we do for our children's good & well-being BTW).

    1. I didn't cause it.
    2. I can't cure it.
    3. I can't control it. (our sons need to choose to do that for themselves)

    Praying for you (and for your son, of course)!

    BTW, it's time like these when we really need to do what we are always supposed to be doing as Christians, 1. ask God for His help, and then 2. fully "trust" Him when we do (which I am well-aware is ~ESPECIALLY~ difficult because it involves our children). Remember that our kids are His and always have been, we are simply given the great privilege of being part of their lives as their human parents :)

    God bless you! (Numbers 6:24-26)

    --David
    p.s. - I should also say, WELCOME TO CF :wave:
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2018
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  14. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

    +2,467
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    This has to end. It clearly is doing no good - neither for you or for him.

    I understand you don't want to throw him overboard into the deep. There's the risk he could be lost forever. But the status quo is not workable. You have to do something differently.

    If you're not prepared to throw him overboard yet, I would focus on one point of discipline and cooperation. Explain yourself well, and make the consequences of disobedience very clear. Perhaps it might be cleaning up his room, or some other small thing that he can easily do. If he does it, fine. Tell him you appreciate it and continue the discipline incrementally.

    If he does not do it, you have to carry through on the consequences. They should be in proportion to the offense, but if offenses continue, the consequences will escalate, until finally, he is out of the house and perhaps subject to the proper authorities.

    We hope it doesn't go to the rough road, but if it does, sometimes that is what is needed for a turnaround. You can always keep the door open to a sincere change of heart.

    Doing it incrementally like this gives you a platform to offer him change, and an exit ramp for yourself should that be necessary.

    But if the situation is as bad as it sounds, no good is being done for him by letting precious time pass.
     
  15. Misty Girl

    Misty Girl New Member

    19
    +19
    United States
    Protestant
    Divorced
    I do always rescue him and worry that he won't survive in jail. I try and show him so much love and get nothing in return. He seems so helpless sometimes. I am going to look into the near along meetings I am familiar with all anon as my mother had a drinking problem. I don't like being afraid in my home,,not afraid of him touching me as he never has but destroying my belongings and saying horrible things to me. I just moved and need to find a new church
     
  16. Thess

    Thess Active Member

    354
    +105
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Divorced
    You got it! We all want to fit in, to be a part of something, and when "family" is unloving, we find that drugs and sex cause us more happiness and pleasure than our families....and that's just the truth. Think about that for a minute.

    Yes, those without confidence are by nature, depressed. Anyone who is weak and insecure is depressed, for our natural state as God intended us, cannot and does not want to contend with evil....we don't mix well with evil.

    I, too, spoke with many professionals throughout my life and over many different issues. We had counselors for a child that was a professional prostitute before she turned 15. Marriage counseling....yadda yadda, it's all the same. These people do not understand that we are lacking confidence. We need to figure out why we dislike ourselves so much that we act it out in our various ways. We're all the same, and we're very simple....we are afraid. When we can remove those fears, our natural state of confidence will return. As the weakness goes away, it is replaced with confidence.

    I wish I could speak to him....he would hear my words and be amazed that I understand him. You see, his view is that likely everyone around him appears to be all messed up, and that's because they likely are. What your son doesn't understand is that HE IS THE ONE THAT IS FEELING LIFE, while those around him are numb. I would tell him that I don't care about his behavior and what he's done, I would tell him that he's just fine and those around him are not. This is how it usually is….for sick families produce sick children. Rarely do sick families produce righteous and holy children. He just needs someone around him, that he considers important, that demonstrates real confidence, and one that will encourage and build him up. He needs someone to invest their time in him, but children usually don't want mom or dad to do this, particularly if things haven't worked out in the past. It's tricky if you don't understand the emotional matrix that we all suffer from, but if and when you do, things will become very easy to understand.

    You can send me a private message any time. I am here first and foremost to help others understand suicide and the desire to kill others. Weakness kills while confidence builds.
     
  17. Misty Girl

    Misty Girl New Member

    19
    +19
    United States
    Protestant
    Divorced
    I am so glad I found good people to talk to as I don't tell anyone for fear of being judged. He is causing illness to the cats too as they are afraid. If I call the police he said he would destroy items from my father who has passed away. I was thinking about packing them away to save them. I do not have many things that I treasure displayed in fear that he will break them
     
  18. Thess

    Thess Active Member

    354
    +105
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Divorced
    And never give up on your son! Just think of how much it hurts every time someone gives up on him. It only affirms what a part of him mind already believes about himself, which is that no one truly loves him. And those that give up really don't....and so you will not give up on him! I can feel that your love is real, so place expectant confidence into him. See him in the future! Get him to believe in himself just as you do. When things are tough, always show him your vision of the future, and that you absolutely know that all will be well with him. I tell most people here that I "believe in them" because we all need this. Our spirits call out to have people believe in us, so I give as much as I possibly can.
     
  19. Danielwright2311

    Danielwright2311 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +640
    United States
    Christian
    Divorced
    Correcting him is the only way, police, jail is good to correct people who think there is no rule of law.
     
  20. Misty Girl

    Misty Girl New Member

    19
    +19
    United States
    Protestant
    Divorced
    I feel he knows I don't want him to have a permanent record and uses it as leverage,,I need to live my life and I am not able to because of him and an explosion almost everyday
     
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