Advice about Ex

[TM8211]

Hi there,
My boyfriend hates my ex for many reasons. Mainly because he is an absent Dad and extremely selfish. My son is graduating from high school and my ex is coming. My boyfriend thinks it is unreasonable for my ex to sit with us at the graduation so therefore my boyfriend has decided not to come. Please help me find perspective here. Am I wrong to ask him to be there with me in spite of the hatred for my ex? As a Christian, what is the right thing to do here? The Bible says, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44).

 

[Southernscotty]

Hi TM8211 and welcome to CF I will join you in prayer ok :]

 

[Southernscotty]

Hi there,
My boyfriend hates my ex for many reasons. Mainly because he is an absent Dad and extremely selfish. My son is graduating from high school and my ex is coming. My boyfriend thinks it is unreasonable for my ex to sit with us at the graduation so therefore my boyfriend has decided not to come. Please help me find perspective here. Am I wrong to ask him to be there with me in spite of the hatred for my ex? As a Christian, what is the right thing to do here? The Bible says, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44).

To be honest, I think your BF is wrong here. This is your and your Xs children and your BF has no say so. My opinion :]

 

[Poppyseed78]

I also think your boyfriend is wrong. This is a major event in your son's life, and he very likely wants his father there. This is about your son and his wishes. Your boyfriend is being petty and selfish. He needs to understand that not everything is about him.

 

[Hearingheart]

Hopefully your son is ok with having his father there. There is no reason why he can't be at the graduation, just have him sit by himself and not next to you or your boyfriend.

If the boyfriend can't stand having dad at the same public event but seated in a different section then it shows a lot about his character and maturity level.

 

[Albion]

By staying away, the BF is distancing himself from the kids for no reason and leaving you effectively unescorted. For your sake he should suck it up and go. I hope that if you put it to him this way, he might change his mind, even knowing that it will be somewhat uncomfortable for him to appear.

 

[TM8211]

Thank you all for the insight.

 

[turkle]

In this situation, the most important person is not you, your boyfriend, nor your ex. The most important person is your son. What does he want? Does he want his parents to come as a untied front together? Does he prefer that you keep your distance from your ex because of bad feelings? Does he even want your boyfriend there in the first place?

It's important to keep this perspective. This is your son's big day. My recommendation is that you do it his way. Your boyfriend is YOUR boyfriend, not his father. The best thing is to honor the accomplishment of your son.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Hi there,
My boyfriend hates my ex for many reasons. Mainly because he is an absent Dad and extremely selfish. My son is graduating from high school and my ex is coming. My boyfriend thinks it is unreasonable for my ex to sit with us at the graduation so therefore my boyfriend has decided not to come. Please help me find perspective here. Am I wrong to ask him to be there with me in spite of the hatred for my ex? As a Christian, what is the right thing to do here? The Bible says, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44).

Besides showing love and forgiveness you will be setting an excellent example for your son.

 

[Sketcher]

Hi there,
My boyfriend hates my ex for many reasons. Mainly because he is an absent Dad and extremely selfish. My son is graduating from high school and my ex is coming. My boyfriend thinks it is unreasonable for my ex to sit with us at the graduation so therefore my boyfriend has decided not to come.

How much of a part in your son's life is your boyfriend? I suspect not much based on the reaction that you shared with us. He doesn't need to be there. You and his dad do need to be there. Why he can't see that or doesn't want to acknowledge it, I'm not sure. But to me, that's a bad sign.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

If your fiancé think it be too much for your ex to be sitting in the family section at his own son's graduation then how will he feel when the son gets married and his dad be there?
He is family, should he sit in another area? the fact is, the ex is the child's father
whether he be in the boy's life once a year or 365 days a year. The Bible say to
honor mother and father, it don't say to only honor them when they be first
rate parents.... this ain't easy, I know because mine weren't first rate parents,
they have flaws...as we all do.

How will it be when your son is married and the grand babies start coming along and your son's father is there for the birth(s) of said grand babies?

Perhaps your fiancé need some more time to consider all this before entering
into marriage with you...for if he's bitter/hating and hasn't walked out forgiveness... bringing that bitterness/hate into marriage isn't going to be a good thing...for he will troubleth his own house and tear it down bit by bit.
Is this what you want to continue from engagement into marriage? Cause in
marriage this is more clearly seen and felt because you be under the same roof
and be in the same bed.

I'm married to a man who already had three grown children that be married
and their mom, my husband's ex wife, married the man she had an affair with.
I don't have any biological children.

There is now lots of grand babies and all of us be there for their births, birthdays,
holidays, graduations etc. Blended christian families doing what we are called to do... treating others how we would like to be treated, showing agape and not
being bitter, not bickering with each other etc.

Currently...the ex-wife's husband suffered numerous heart attacks, declared clinically dead a couple of times but was restored to life again each time, he spent over a month ICU and now has a pace-maker, he has low heart function and is
at home, he's weak and not able to do much.
There be a GoFundMe set up for them and we were amongst the many who contributed to help them with all the bills and had prayer for him/them at church. The ex-wife was so touched that she wrote us a personal thank you note for our prayers and financial support.
All involved in this family/blended family are now believers and we are focused on walking in agape, forgiveness and prayer.

 

[LoricaLady]

I do not see why the ex has to sit with you and your husband. Loving your enemies doesn't necessarily mean you have to have them in that close proximity. I wonder if you boyfriend is maybe wondering if you have really cut the ties between you and your ex, too. That would be a natural thought, to me. How much do you value your boyfriend? Do you value him enough that you would grant him the concession of being alone with you, without the ex? That's what it boils down to.

 

[LoricaLady]

I also think your boyfriend is wrong. This is a major event in your son's life, and he very likely wants his father there. This is about your son and his wishes. Your boyfriend is being petty and selfish. He needs to understand that not everything is about him.

She didn't say the boyfriend didn't want her husband there at all, just that he didn't want the ex to sit with them. Big difference.

 

[LoricaLady]

If your fiancé think it be too much for your ex to be sitting in the family section at his own son's graduation then how will he feel when the son gets married and his dad be there?
He is family, should he sit in another area? the fact is, the ex is the child's father
whether he be in the boy's life once a year or 365 days a year. The Bible say to
honor mother and father, it don't say to only honor them when they be first
rate parents.... this ain't easy, I know because mine weren't first rate parents,
they have flaws...as we all do.

How will it be when your son is married and the grand babies start coming along and your son's father is there for the birth(s) of said grand babies?

Perhaps your fiancé need some more time to consider all this before entering
into marriage with you...for if he's bitter/hating and hasn't walked out forgiveness... bringing that bitterness/hate into marriage isn't going to be a good thing...for he will troubleth his own house and tear it down bit by bit.
Is this what you want to continue from engagement into marriage? Cause in
marriage this is more clearly seen and felt because you be under the same roof
and be in the same bed.

I'm married to a man who already had three grown children that be married
and their mom, my husband's ex wife, married the man she had an affair with.
I don't have any biological children.

There is now lots of grand babies and all of us be there for their births, birthdays,
holidays, graduations etc. Blended christian families doing what we are called to do... treating others how we would like to be treated, showing agape and not
being bitter, not bickering with each other etc.

Currently...the ex-wife's husband suffered numerous heart attacks, declared clinically dead a couple of times but was restored to life again each time, he spent over a month ICU and now has a pace-maker, he has low heart function and is
at home, he's weak and not able to do much.
There be a GoFundMe set up for them and we were amongst the many who contributed to help them with all the bills and had prayer for him/them at church. The ex-wife was so touched that she wrote us a personal thank you note for our prayers and financial support.
All involved in this family/blended family are now believers and we are focused on walking in agape, forgiveness and prayer.

I kept up a close relationship with my ex and got along well with his subsequent wife, too. However, that is not the case for everyone. What works for some does not work for others at all.

 

[Danielwright2311]

Hi there,
My boyfriend hates my ex for many reasons. Mainly because he is an absent Dad and extremely selfish. My son is graduating from high school and my ex is coming. My boyfriend thinks it is unreasonable for my ex to sit with us at the graduation so therefore my boyfriend has decided not to come. Please help me find perspective here. Am I wrong to ask him to be there with me in spite of the hatred for my ex? As a Christian, what is the right thing to do here? The Bible says, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44).

Its not your boyfriends child, its his right to be there with you even if he wishes as long as he is not abusing you or the child.

Do you not see the problem there already by saying boyfriend?

Your so called boyfriend should not dictate anything about your child.

I will say that if he can not except your ex then he is not a good fit for your family as your ex is your child's father.

 

[LoricaLady]

Its not your boyfriends child, its his right to be there with you even if he wishes as long as he is not abusing you or the child.

Do you not see the problem there already by saying boyfriend?

Your so called boyfriend should not dictate anything about your child.

I will say that if he can not except your ex then he is not a good fit for your family as your ex is your child's father.

People are conflating being at the event with sitting next to the wife. They are not the same thing. If her boyfriend wants to be with just her, and leave the ex in another spot, what is so terrible about that? The BF has unpleasant, stressful, memories about the ex because he has not been doing what is right in regard to financial support for his child.

Why does the boyfriend have to sit with him? I don't get that part. If the mother values the boyfriend a lot - we don't know - and she doesn't want him stressed out, and maybe is thinking of him as future husband material, then she might want to consider letting him be with just her. If she thinks they might possibly be married, now might be a good time for her to practice cleaving only to him and having the ex take his place off to the sidelines, not right next to her.

 

[st831]

There is alot of confusion here. It boils down to if you want your boyfriend in your life longterm.

1. If you want to marry this guy....Put your boyfriend first--not your ex. He is apparently invested in you and your son, or none of this would have bothered him. He obviously cares that your ex has mistreated you and your son and wants to take a stand to represent that.

2. Your boyfriend clearly wants to be there, he just doesn't want to sit with your ex. Your ex doesn't have to be joined at your hip. He can find his own place to sit. He apparently hasn't acted like a father until this point...he doesn't have to sit with family. I feel it is unreasonable for you to force that on your boyfriend.

3. If you're ex wants to fix his absentee stigma, he is going to have to start showing up, over-time he may gain your boyfriend's respect--just not today. It takes time. My guess is..if there is any inconvenience at all, your ex will bail. Your boyfriend probably knows this, but you have clearly chosen your ex's side on this.

4. From your boyfriend's perspective, you have arranged this between you and your ex and completely left him out of your communications and decisions. Not good. Relationship fail.

YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE YOUR NEW HUSBAND.

 

[LoricaLady]

There is alot of confusion here. It boils down to if you want your boyfriend in your life longterm.

1. If you want to marry this guy....Put your boyfriend first--not your ex. He is apparently invested in you and your son, or none of this would have bothered him. He obviously cares that your ex has mistreated you and your son and wants to take a stand to represent that.

2. Your boyfriend clearly wants to be there, he just doesn't want to sit with your ex. Your ex doesn't have to be joined at your hip. He can find his own place to sit. He apparently hasn't acted like a father until this point...he doesn't have to sit with family. I feel it is unreasonable for you to force that on your boyfriend.

3. If you're ex wants to fix his absentee stigma, he is going to have to start showing up, over-time he may gain your boyfriend's respect--just not today. It takes time. My guess is..if there is any inconvenience at all, your ex will bail. Your boyfriend probably knows this, but you have clearly chosen your ex's side on this.

4. From your boyfriend's perspective, you have arranged this between you and your ex and completely left him out of your communications and decisions. Not good. Relationship fail.

YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE YOUR NEW HUSBAND.

I could be totally wrong, but in addition to your excellent post, I would add that I am wondering if maybe the woman still has a romantic attachment to the EX and so is welcome to him sitting beside her, while ignoring the boyfriend's feelings. That may be totally untrue, but I could sure see how the boyfriend would be wondering about that.

 

[st831]

I could be totally wrong, but in addition to your excellent post, I would add that I am wondering if maybe the woman still has a romantic attachment to the EX and so is welcome to him sitting beside her, while ignoring the boyfriend's feelings. That may be totally untrue, but I could sure see how the boyfriend would be wondering about that.

I felt the same thing. I don't think she realizes it, but she hasn't completely broken it off. Subconsciously using her son, as a way to keep him in their lives when he doesn't deserve to be. I am not saying that she should keep her son from his father--just don't bring him into her new family. If the tables were turned, I don't think it would be such a "gray" area for her.

 

[LoricaLady]

I felt the same thing. I don't think she realizes it, but she hasn't completely broken it off. Subconsciously using her son, as a way to keep him in their lives when he doesn't deserve to be. I am not saying that she should keep her son from his father--just don't bring him into her new family. If the tables were turned, I don't think it would be such a "gray" area for her.

That's interesting that you wondered the same thing I was wondering about. I hope that if she still feels a romantic attachment to the Ex that she will do the right thing and be sure she is totally over that before letting the bf, or some other guy in the future, become more and more attached to her and her family. Let the bf find someone who will put him first, if it's not going to be her.