Hi,
This is a bit of a long one. I asked similar before, but began suffering depression to the point I couldn't think to answer, and I apologise. I loved my wife unconditionally, did nothing to instigate our problems. She made a lot of bad choices (details below) she has done a 180 on truly attrotious behaviour and been the perfect; "dream wife" for nearly 5 months now, could not ask for more. I know it's right and proper I reciprocate, problem is, its like my heart isn't invested anymore. Catagorically; I did nothing to instigate this.
I've been with my wife for 17 years - married 11, (M37, F33), two children (3,7), Both Christian for 7 years, within a day or two of marriage she hit me, there were a few more serious incidents, (the second time, I nearly died due to the nature of the attack) over the first 4 years, but that has STOPPED; 7 years since violence stopped. Where we lived there is a cultural problem of domestic abuse against males - you are expected to "take it like a man". The kids are safe, and there is no further concern there.
After that, she was never there for me, in any way, never showed interest, and used to periodically dissapear up to friends she'd found on the internet with my kids, against my consent for a week at a time. Threat was "don't make me choose between you and them". Along with never emasculating me, running me down, I suffered 10 years of "you're useless", having untruths about me to mutual friends and swearing at me. At the "away" friends, she found a bloke friend and for about a year, wouldn't shut up to me about how awesome and great he was, most conversations he'd crop up, and so on. Including arranging and extra night attempting to spend time an evening with him (there's even more). Eventually I questioned her faithfulness, her reaction just radiated "busted", and was embaressing to watch - she won't confirm or deny anything. In the early days of our relationship, I had to endure even seeing her in my bed with another guy on her. I was threatened multiple times not to make her choose with her "away" friends.
About 18 months ago; I bumped in to a girl, 10 years younger than me, who fell for me (I didn't reallise it at first), wanted me and with big open arms wanted to provide the friendship, companionship and respect that my wife was not (note I haven't mentioned sex). I met her as a friend (innocently, with no idea about her feelings) twice, the second time, a kiss tht lasted about 10 seconds kiss sponaneusly happened. I backed off with "no, I know the Enemey when I see it." I cannot emphasis how crushed I felt "stopping" and repented.
The talking about me untruthfully took a turn for the worse when two women (ex-mutual friends) had bad experiences with ex-husbands, it hit a nerve with them and they made my life a misery fo nearly 2 years (its stopped now), I felt devastated about the untruths and breach of privacy, more than their treatment of me, the stuff that was said was sickening, I can never trust her again. Every single time, I peacefully tried to talk to her, I was screamed at, and my words were twisted and sent on to others.
At this "road to damascus moment", she says she now understands why I questioned her faithfulness, and also understands the many reasons I don't trust her anymore, that you can't "unsay" things and the way she has treated me. Full acceptand of why that other girl caught my attention. She accepts she never addressed any of our issues and violated our privacy in the worse may. She even accepts why I'm suspicous of the sudden change. She's been consistently "changed" for coming up to 4 months, and it is admirable (I'm not sure she is still Christian), but it's like my body isn't emotionally invested and has 'checked out' - (does that mean anything?) It's been emotionally and physically beat out of me. I know I should try, but just because "I know I should". I have prayed, and prayed, but nothing rekindles a "desire" or shred of feeling for her, apart from feeling sorry. I don't know what to do. I forgive her, thats not the issue, I've prayed for forgiveness at being a hairs breath from adultery and to move forward.
As Christians, what would you say to each of us to get on track? If nothing, please just pray for us.
Thanks all, and God Bless,
This is a bit of a long one. I asked similar before, but began suffering depression to the point I couldn't think to answer, and I apologise. I loved my wife unconditionally, did nothing to instigate our problems. She made a lot of bad choices (details below) she has done a 180 on truly attrotious behaviour and been the perfect; "dream wife" for nearly 5 months now, could not ask for more. I know it's right and proper I reciprocate, problem is, its like my heart isn't invested anymore. Catagorically; I did nothing to instigate this.
I've been with my wife for 17 years - married 11, (M37, F33), two children (3,7), Both Christian for 7 years, within a day or two of marriage she hit me, there were a few more serious incidents, (the second time, I nearly died due to the nature of the attack) over the first 4 years, but that has STOPPED; 7 years since violence stopped. Where we lived there is a cultural problem of domestic abuse against males - you are expected to "take it like a man". The kids are safe, and there is no further concern there.
After that, she was never there for me, in any way, never showed interest, and used to periodically dissapear up to friends she'd found on the internet with my kids, against my consent for a week at a time. Threat was "don't make me choose between you and them". Along with never emasculating me, running me down, I suffered 10 years of "you're useless", having untruths about me to mutual friends and swearing at me. At the "away" friends, she found a bloke friend and for about a year, wouldn't shut up to me about how awesome and great he was, most conversations he'd crop up, and so on. Including arranging and extra night attempting to spend time an evening with him (there's even more). Eventually I questioned her faithfulness, her reaction just radiated "busted", and was embaressing to watch - she won't confirm or deny anything. In the early days of our relationship, I had to endure even seeing her in my bed with another guy on her. I was threatened multiple times not to make her choose with her "away" friends.
About 18 months ago; I bumped in to a girl, 10 years younger than me, who fell for me (I didn't reallise it at first), wanted me and with big open arms wanted to provide the friendship, companionship and respect that my wife was not (note I haven't mentioned sex). I met her as a friend (innocently, with no idea about her feelings) twice, the second time, a kiss tht lasted about 10 seconds kiss sponaneusly happened. I backed off with "no, I know the Enemey when I see it." I cannot emphasis how crushed I felt "stopping" and repented.
The talking about me untruthfully took a turn for the worse when two women (ex-mutual friends) had bad experiences with ex-husbands, it hit a nerve with them and they made my life a misery fo nearly 2 years (its stopped now), I felt devastated about the untruths and breach of privacy, more than their treatment of me, the stuff that was said was sickening, I can never trust her again. Every single time, I peacefully tried to talk to her, I was screamed at, and my words were twisted and sent on to others.
At this "road to damascus moment", she says she now understands why I questioned her faithfulness, and also understands the many reasons I don't trust her anymore, that you can't "unsay" things and the way she has treated me. Full acceptand of why that other girl caught my attention. She accepts she never addressed any of our issues and violated our privacy in the worse may. She even accepts why I'm suspicous of the sudden change. She's been consistently "changed" for coming up to 4 months, and it is admirable (I'm not sure she is still Christian), but it's like my body isn't emotionally invested and has 'checked out' - (does that mean anything?) It's been emotionally and physically beat out of me. I know I should try, but just because "I know I should". I have prayed, and prayed, but nothing rekindles a "desire" or shred of feeling for her, apart from feeling sorry. I don't know what to do. I forgive her, thats not the issue, I've prayed for forgiveness at being a hairs breath from adultery and to move forward.
As Christians, what would you say to each of us to get on track? If nothing, please just pray for us.
Thanks all, and God Bless,