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Featured My Wife's Behaviour Ruined Our Christian Marriage - I don't wish to be alive

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by cdtaylor, Mar 7, 2018.

  1. cdtaylor

    cdtaylor New Member

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    Hi,

    This is a bit of a long one. I asked similar before, but began suffering depression to the point I couldn't think to answer, and I apologise. I loved my wife unconditionally, did nothing to instigate our problems. She made a lot of bad choices (details below) she has done a 180 on truly attrotious behaviour and been the perfect; "dream wife" for nearly 5 months now, could not ask for more. I know it's right and proper I reciprocate, problem is, its like my heart isn't invested anymore. Catagorically; I did nothing to instigate this.


    I've been with my wife for 17 years - married 11, (M37, F33), two children (3,7), Both Christian for 7 years, within a day or two of marriage she hit me, there were a few more serious incidents, (the second time, I nearly died due to the nature of the attack) over the first 4 years, but that has STOPPED; 7 years since violence stopped. Where we lived there is a cultural problem of domestic abuse against males - you are expected to "take it like a man". The kids are safe, and there is no further concern there.


    After that, she was never there for me, in any way, never showed interest, and used to periodically dissapear up to friends she'd found on the internet with my kids, against my consent for a week at a time. Threat was "don't make me choose between you and them". Along with never emasculating me, running me down, I suffered 10 years of "you're useless", having untruths about me to mutual friends and swearing at me. At the "away" friends, she found a bloke friend and for about a year, wouldn't shut up to me about how awesome and great he was, most conversations he'd crop up, and so on. Including arranging and extra night attempting to spend time an evening with him (there's even more). Eventually I questioned her faithfulness, her reaction just radiated "busted", and was embaressing to watch - she won't confirm or deny anything. In the early days of our relationship, I had to endure even seeing her in my bed with another guy on her. I was threatened multiple times not to make her choose with her "away" friends.


    About 18 months ago; I bumped in to a girl, 10 years younger than me, who fell for me (I didn't reallise it at first), wanted me and with big open arms wanted to provide the friendship, companionship and respect that my wife was not (note I haven't mentioned sex). I met her as a friend (innocently, with no idea about her feelings) twice, the second time, a kiss tht lasted about 10 seconds kiss sponaneusly happened. I backed off with "no, I know the Enemey when I see it." I cannot emphasis how crushed I felt "stopping" and repented.


    The talking about me untruthfully took a turn for the worse when two women (ex-mutual friends) had bad experiences with ex-husbands, it hit a nerve with them and they made my life a misery fo nearly 2 years (its stopped now), I felt devastated about the untruths and breach of privacy, more than their treatment of me, the stuff that was said was sickening, I can never trust her again. Every single time, I peacefully tried to talk to her, I was screamed at, and my words were twisted and sent on to others.


    At this "road to damascus moment", she says she now understands why I questioned her faithfulness, and also understands the many reasons I don't trust her anymore, that you can't "unsay" things and the way she has treated me. Full acceptand of why that other girl caught my attention. She accepts she never addressed any of our issues and violated our privacy in the worse may. She even accepts why I'm suspicous of the sudden change. She's been consistently "changed" for coming up to 4 months, and it is admirable (I'm not sure she is still Christian), but it's like my body isn't emotionally invested and has 'checked out' - (does that mean anything?) It's been emotionally and physically beat out of me. I know I should try, but just because "I know I should". I have prayed, and prayed, but nothing rekindles a "desire" or shred of feeling for her, apart from feeling sorry. I don't know what to do. I forgive her, thats not the issue, I've prayed for forgiveness at being a hairs breath from adultery and to move forward.

    As Christians, what would you say to each of us to get on track? If nothing, please just pray for us.

    Thanks all, and God Bless,
     
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  2. Chaplain David

    Chaplain David CF Chaplain Staff Member Chaplain Supporter Recovery Team

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    Hello,

    After reading your post my advice to you and your wife is to get into counseling with a licensed couples counselor who is a Christian. You need the training and experience that a licensed counselor can provide for you but it needs to be grounded in Christian roots. I'd also say that as difficult as it might be sometimes, don't look or do anything outside your marriage. I think you know this.

    The next thing is that I advise that you keep yourself and your wife safe and protect yourself should any of this abusive behavior rear it's ugly head again. There is no such thing as "taking it like a man." It's not appropriate and you don't deserve to be abused nor does your wife.

    God bless you and I am praying for you.
     
  3. vinsight4u

    vinsight4u Contributor

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    /nvm
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2018
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  4. vinsight4u

    vinsight4u Contributor

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    /nvm
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2018
  5. Take Heart

    Take Heart Be encouraged ♥ Supporter

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    Have you guys tried dating again? I think it helps rekindle that romance aspect of the relationship. It may not rekindle anything after one date. Just have to be consistent (dating 2 times a week or every friday, for example).
     
  6. Sam91

    Sam91 Child of the Living God Supporter

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    Hi, I second that Christian counselling is probably the way to go.

    Although your wife has done some pretty unacceptable things you seem to deny responsibility for your own actions.

    Proverbs 16:2
    All a person's ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD.

    I also say this because it might be possible that your wife's behaviour has improved in response to you being less interested. Maybe, before when you cared you were acting in a critical way, pressurising her, trying to control her and there was rebelling or trying to gain some control too. There are millions of reasons. Maybe it was a co-dependant relationship which is no longer so.

    From a Biblical perspective you are told to act towards your wife with love. Love isn't always the romantic feeling. You have gone through a really prolonged and tough time. Maybe, you both need a time of peace, healing and mutual respect. You can learn to find things that you love about your wife and your marriage and how to move forward. To become a good partnership and glorify the Lord together.

    I think counselling would help you both to do that and find a way to set up boundaries to protect against future harmful behavior.
     
  7. cdtaylor

    cdtaylor New Member

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    Hi all,

    I agree, regarding Christian Counselling - we tried non-Christian Counselling, because that was our only option at the time, TBH, the councillor approached me and suggested I file charges for something that stopped seven years ago, and I made it clear that helps no-one.

    I have been advised it may be possible to seek online, if anyone knows of a reputable councillor who offers such a service?

    Thank you @Sam91 - very sobering words. For me to kiss or meet someone else, is utterly unacceptable and there is no excusing it or justifying it - I know full well it was wrong as wrong gets, regardless of prayer and repenting, I am still shamed by it.

    I've considered your thoughtful words and you are right I think in all respects; her change of behaviour, I think coincides with the time I started feeling like this - I'd started to not protest or say anything. Yes, I am commanded to love her, with love that isn't just romantic love. It never hurts to be reminded of that!

    Catagorically; I don't want anyone to tell me, to give up, or it's OK to drop out; that's not why I'm here. I married her, till death do us part, and I know what that means. I know how I feel is wrong, and that's why I'm here, I don't want to be like that. I don't want someone to say "its OK, I see why you're like that."

    Thank you all, for you're kind words so far, and verses for us to reflect on.
     
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  8. Roseonathorn

    Roseonathorn Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I would say that to a woman the emotional turmoil and hurt we can feel when we get cheated on by someone we love and trust can feel far worse than if we are raped by some strangers. So in short, she acts as a hurt wounded woman screaming at You as if You were her worst enemy. To win her trust again You must be honest and open about that You have no feelings whatsoever for those other women and if You want Your wife back and If She wants You back, don't rush, do things that are fun or relaxing or be in nature or try to understand each other and do stuff together. If Yo can't talk then at least offer a hand to her to hold as a sign of peaceoffering but She might be too hurt to touch it, but it still shows You care to her. And that is important.
     
  9. cdtaylor

    cdtaylor New Member

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    We are trying date nights; @Spirit Reborn I think you also have a point; it needs more time. I don't want a genuinely changed woman to exhaust herself by throwing all her effort at it too soon. Someone told my wife that Christian or not, it can take years, not months. I know we need to have perseverance and faith, through that time. It just feels like such a mountain.
     
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  10. Sam91

    Sam91 Child of the Living God Supporter

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    Oh I am so glad that you clarified that you are wanting to work on things! I had a suspicion that you were wanting people to say to get out of your marriage. I am glad that I was wrong. Really glad! :D I am sorry too that I was dubious of your motives.

    EDIT:
    P.S I wasn't referring to yr unplanned indescretion when I said that you weren't admitting your own responsibility. I was speaking of ways your behaviour (which seemed right to you at the time) might have contributed to the relationships problems. I have confidence that you both will be able to move forward though. You both seem willing to try and with God as your leader you can succeed.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2018
  11. Take Heart

    Take Heart Be encouraged ♥ Supporter

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    I believe you'll both come out stronger from this season you're in. Keep fighting for your marriage, to grow closer, to keep Christ in the center of it.
     
  12. cdtaylor

    cdtaylor New Member

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    Hi @Roseonathorn - Just to be clear on the order of things; That kiss happened about 18 months ago. We'd been married I think 9 years and I'd suffered life threatening domestic violence, continual emotional abuse - making me feel worthless, humiliating me and emasculating me to the point I felt suicide was an option, constantly taking my children away and lying to people that I'd been abusing her.

    I'm not saying that in a way to absolve myself, but it's important to establish the abuse wasn't a result of me doing anything like that. Learning about it, seemed to mark part of the turning point in her behaviour.
     
  13. vinsight4u

    vinsight4u Contributor

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    /nvm
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2018
  14. Sam91

    Sam91 Child of the Living God Supporter

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    Have you thought of doing a couples daily devotional together? There was a great one I had. It ended up in the bin. I had to leave my marriage after 2.5 months because my partner was dangerously abusive and had very violent history unknown to me.

    I will try to find it.

    EDIT. Found it I think. It is really good! It took you through key bible points about Christian life and taught things like tolerance, understanding, acceptance. I highly, highly recommend it.

    One Year Devotions for Couples, David & Teresa Ferguson: Book | ICM Books

    EDIT AGAIN. They are Christian counsellors.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2018
  15. vinsight4u

    vinsight4u Contributor

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    skip
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2018
  16. cdtaylor

    cdtaylor New Member

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    @vinsight4u - I was (and still am), in a very poor state of mind, I have done my best to write that post while being at my whits end, and am wishing to move forward in a peaceful, Christian manner. I have, believe and do that Jesus is my saviour and one advocate, and that he took my sins to the cross. I have clung on to that dearly, I'd say its even kept me alive at the worse times. Please, don't say that when I only want our family to move forward.
     
  17. vinsight4u

    vinsight4u Contributor

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    /nvm
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2018
  18. cdtaylor

    cdtaylor New Member

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    Thank you @Sam91 That looks like a really good book, I'll suggest this to my wife and we'll try and get a copy. I like that it covers those key issues over the course of a year. That feels like a realistic timescale rather than the 4-6 week series we often see.
     
  19. cdtaylor

    cdtaylor New Member

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    I apologise @vinsight4u I misunderstood your intent, I'm very sorry, and that wasn't fair. Regarding timescales, I've re-read it myself and it is more chaotic than something I'd write in a better state of mind. You are right, it is easy to dwell on the 'length' of time if we let our guard down. With prayer, I'm moving passed that. We want to work on the 'rebuild' and I don't want to be 'hardened' - the book mentioned above looks like it'll really help us.

    On your other point, I think maybe I should have left back at the beginning, however I didn't, also it is inescapable that, I recently kissed another woman. Forward is where I want to look.
     
  20. Cheylynn

    Cheylynn Member Supporter

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    To truly be at peace requires one thing:
    Take your feelings, your hurt and all your expectations or lack there of - which are all wrapped up in SELF. Tale them to the alter of God and give them to Him, they are His anyway....what He died for. Before you leave the alter, tell Him that HE is all you have need of. That from this point on, you will seek him for what you have looked for in the relationship with your wife. Repent of looking to her for fulfillment. Forgive, forgive and forgive.....there is great power in this.
    Then, begin a new walk, what Christ intended it to be.....about Him.
    You will then, feel the freedom to love and the contentment and peace that you lack. I say this because I have done this and I have never been the same and feel joy in my heart - which is not contingent to the tempature of my marriage. I have been brought into a new level and understanding in the things of God.
     
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