My Wife's Behaviour Ruined Our Christian Marriage - I don't wish to be alive

[Kit Sigmon]

It is a major thing when one spouse nearly kills the other...to me this is a big
part of why you don't trust her and don't desire her because you have witnessed that darkness in her and you fully know what your spouse is capable of doing because she had done it to you.
It don't matter if that attack happened years ago or six months ago...there
be a rage in her that compelled such an attack that nearly cost you your life.
You forgive her but it don't mean you should trust your spouse who nearly killed you.
It's a reality that you live with day after day.

Has your wife found what caused her to abuse and is she getting counseling?
Are you getting counseling concerning the physical and emotional attacks?

 

[Roseonathorn]

Hi @Roseonathorn - Just to be clear on the order of things; That kiss happened about 18 months ago. We'd been married I think 9 years and I'd suffered life threatening domestic violence, continual emotional abuse - making me feel worthless, humiliating me and emasculating me to the point I felt suicide was an option, constantly taking my children away and lying to people that I'd been abusing her.

I'm not saying that in a way to absolve myself, but it's important to establish the abuse wasn't a result of me doing anything like that. Learning about it, seemed to mark part of the turning point in her behaviour.

Ok Sir, I understand that either this is very serious matter and You should indeed call in serious psychiatrist help in Your marriage or You are both making the problem bigger than it is. The life threathening thing She did, did She try to seriously kill You or only waver a kitchenknife while working and grumbling something really nasty? In any case one is not allowed to threathen each other. I suggest You go to a church and take help of a deacon or a psychiatrist or similar to set up houserules that work for You and Your wife. 9 Years is a long time and I hope You truly said How sorry You are. Else She might still think You have it in with the ladies and lye to You about how faithful You are since She gets no love from You. She might think You get love elsewhere and that frustrates her. So try a bit more loving and less anger. If we heard her side of the story it would probably be heartbreaking too because when love takes a bad turn the whole family suffers. Have You googled 10 signs of a cheating husband and checked how many of them matches You? Women does that and then they think 9 signs oh no, it is only lipstick on His collar that is the missing sign and start suspecting their husbands. In fact He could be a hardworking husband ignorant of His wifes needs without being unfaithful. I truly wish You both and Your kids all the best but If I were You I would at least for my kids and my own sake buy her some flowers She like and clean the house and tell Call her my flower all day. Ok I might silently think of her as an flesheatingplant some days but no I will not admit that, for this day She can be the pretty rose, peony or tulip or whatever is her preference maybe She want You to call her my love. Start writing notes if You can not communicate and use my darling and such instead of nasty words.

 

[DarkSoul999]

Hi,

This is a bit of a long one. I asked similar before, but began suffering depression to the point I couldn't think to answer, and I apologise. I loved my wife unconditionally, did nothing to instigate our problems. She made a lot of bad choices (details below) she has done a 180 on truly attrotious behaviour and been the perfect; "dream wife" for nearly 5 months now, could not ask for more. I know it's right and proper I reciprocate, problem is, its like my heart isn't invested anymore. Catagorically; I did nothing to instigate this.


I've been with my wife for 17 years - married 11, (M37, F33), two children (3,7), Both Christian for 7 years, within a day or two of marriage she hit me, there were a few more serious incidents, (the second time, I nearly died due to the nature of the attack) over the first 4 years, but that has STOPPED; 7 years since violence stopped. Where we lived there is a cultural problem of domestic abuse against males - you are expected to "take it like a man". The kids are safe, and there is no further concern there.


After that, she was never there for me, in any way, never showed interest, and used to periodically dissapear up to friends she'd found on the internet with my kids, against my consent for a week at a time. Threat was "don't make me choose between you and them". Along with never emasculating me, running me down, I suffered 10 years of "you're useless", having untruths about me to mutual friends and swearing at me. At the "away" friends, she found a bloke friend and for about a year, wouldn't shut up to me about how awesome and great he was, most conversations he'd crop up, and so on. Including arranging and extra night attempting to spend time an evening with him (there's even more). Eventually I questioned her faithfulness, her reaction just radiated "busted", and was embaressing to watch - she won't confirm or deny anything. In the early days of our relationship, I had to endure even seeing her in my bed with another guy on her. I was threatened multiple times not to make her choose with her "away" friends.


About 18 months ago; I bumped in to a girl, 10 years younger than me, who fell for me (I didn't reallise it at first), wanted me and with big open arms wanted to provide the friendship, companionship and respect that my wife was not (note I haven't mentioned sex). I met her as a friend (innocently, with no idea about her feelings) twice, the second time, a kiss tht lasted about 10 seconds kiss sponaneusly happened. I backed off with "no, I know the Enemey when I see it." I cannot emphasis how crushed I felt "stopping" and repented.


The talking about me untruthfully took a turn for the worse when two women (ex-mutual friends) had bad experiences with ex-husbands, it hit a nerve with them and they made my life a misery fo nearly 2 years (its stopped now), I felt devastated about the untruths and breach of privacy, more than their treatment of me, the stuff that was said was sickening, I can never trust her again. Every single time, I peacefully tried to talk to her, I was screamed at, and my words were twisted and sent on to others.


At this "road to damascus moment", she says she now understands why I questioned her faithfulness, and also understands the many reasons I don't trust her anymore, that you can't "unsay" things and the way she has treated me. Full acceptand of why that other girl caught my attention. She accepts she never addressed any of our issues and violated our privacy in the worse may. She even accepts why I'm suspicous of the sudden change. She's been consistently "changed" for coming up to 4 months, and it is admirable (I'm not sure she is still Christian), but it's like my body isn't emotionally invested and has 'checked out' - (does that mean anything?) It's been emotionally and physically beat out of me. I know I should try, but just because "I know I should". I have prayed, and prayed, but nothing rekindles a "desire" or shred of feeling for her, apart from feeling sorry. I don't know what to do. I forgive her, thats not the issue, I've prayed for forgiveness at being a hairs breath from adultery and to move forward.

As Christians, what would you say to each of us to get on track? If nothing, please just pray for us.

Thanks all, and God Bless,

What I find more shocking is the number of people who think this is an ordinary marriage issue that can be solved with family therapy and a bit of prayer.

No! Your wife is clearly a psychopath who need to be permanently removed from society then studied for years. The evidence then needs to be advertised so that other naive men like yourself will not accidentally marry them. Never ever marry these animals! I'm so sorry that you made this terrible mistake.

There is no cure for her condition. Even now she is going back to acting nice in order to manipulate you. Sometimes in torture cells they will give the inmate a reprieve from his suffering so that his nervous system doesn't overload. That is what she is doing to you right now.

You have many long years of bloody legal warfare ahead of you and your kids will be severely emotionally damaged for the rest of their lives no matter what you do.

Unless you exaggerated everything that you just wrote. I'm sorry. There is no good news. Hopefully you win the war and have some fragment of your family and your sanity intact.

 

[DarkSoul999]

Hi @Roseonathorn - Just to be clear on the order of things; That kiss happened about 18 months ago. We'd been married I think 9 years and I'd suffered life threatening domestic violence, continual emotional abuse - making me feel worthless, humiliating me and emasculating me to the point I felt suicide was an option, constantly taking my children away and lying to people that I'd been abusing her.

I'm not saying that in a way to absolve myself, but it's important to establish the abuse wasn't a result of me doing anything like that. Learning about it, seemed to mark part of the turning point in her behaviour.

you are wasting your time trying to explain the existence of pure evil to a bunch of highly sheltered Christians who have never experienced any social dysfunction in their lives.

 

[Blade]

This is not the place this should be posted. I can not say it any better ' counseling with a licensed couples". We can agree and pray for both in Jesus name. You BOTH need to go see talk with someone that LOVES the lord. Praying for you both

 

[Roseonathorn]

What I find more shocking is the number of people who think this is an ordinary marriage issue that can be solved with family therapy and a bit of prayer.

No! Your wife is clearly a psychopath who need to be permanently removed from society then studied for years. The evidence then needs to be advertised so that other naive men like yourself will not accidentally marry them. Never ever marry these animals! I'm so sorry that you made this terrible mistake.

There is no cure for her condition. Even now she is going back to acting nice in order to manipulate you. Sometimes in torture cells they will give the inmate a reprieve from his suffering so that his nervous system doesn't overload. That is what she is doing to you right now.

You have many long years of bloody legal warfare ahead of you and your kids will be severely emotionally damaged for the rest of their lives no matter what you do.

Unless you exaggerated everything that you just wrote. I'm sorry. There is no good news. Hopefully you win the war and have some fragment of your family and your sanity intact.

Perhaps it is that way or perhaps not, it is not too many details here. I do not want to point out anyone as s psychopate, I rather let a psychiathric deal with those matters... I grew up in a hard way. And after all some people excaggerates.

 

[DarkSoul999]

Perhaps it is that way or perhaps not, it is not too many details here. I do not want to point out anyone as s psychopate, I rather let a psychiathric deal with those matters... I grew up in a hard way. And after all some people excaggerates.

I agree with you that all of this should be presented to a trained psychiatrist but this is being presented to an internet forum instead.

Maybe he has already talked to someone but the wife refuses to cooperate. We don't know what this woman is capable of. Maybe she is dangerous and this guy could be dead tomorrow!

 

[cdtaylor]

Ok Sir, I understand that either this is very serious matter and You should indeed call in serious psychiatrist help in Your marriage or You are both making the problem bigger than it is. The life threathening thing She did, did She try to seriously kill You or only waver a kitchenknife while working and grumbling something really nasty? In any case one is not allowed to threathen each other. I suggest You go to a church and take help of a deacon or a psychiatrist or similar to set up houserules that work for You and Your wife. 9 Years is a long time and I hope You truly said How sorry You are. Else She might still think You have it in with the ladies and lye to You about how faithful You are since She gets no love from You. She might think You get love elsewhere and that frustrates her. So try a bit more loving and less anger. If we heard her side of the story it would probably be heartbreaking too because when love takes a bad turn the whole family suffers. Have You googled 10 signs of a cheating husband and checked how many of them matches You? Women does that and then they think 9 signs oh no, it is only lipstick on His collar that is the missing sign and start suspecting their husbands. In fact He could be a hardworking husband ignorant of His wifes needs without being unfaithful. I truly wish You both and Your kids all the best but If I were You I would at least for my kids and my own sake buy her some flowers She like and clean the house and tell Call her my flower all day. Ok I might silently think of her as an flesheatingplant some days but no I will not admit that, for this day She can be the pretty rose, peony or tulip or whatever is her preference maybe She want You to call her my love. Start writing notes if You can not communicate and use my darling and such instead of nasty words.

@Roseonathorn - This has clearly touched a nerve with you, for that I am sorry, but you are getting the order of events wrong; first, she is in my bed, with another man on her - first incident, well before we were married. Regarding the violence; I'm not talking about 'threats' I'm talking about actual physical violence and a miracle I survived one incident - to be pushed from as far high up as I was, it was blind luck I survived. There was year after year of taunts, threats to leave, screaming, swearing, emotional and physical abuse, and, the lies she was saying to people lies were that I'd been abusing and mistreating her. Additionally then her year of investment in another man. My "kiss" happened after 9 years of that sustained behaviour, she had refused communication. You need to clearly understand, that her behaviour, was not in response to anything I had done. You also need to understand, I'm not excusing my "kiss".

We're trying to move forward, both of us. I'm hear only asking for pray and thoughts, nothing else. I'm sorry if this has touched a nerve with you and no, I will not "Google" about cheating. I don't even want to be having a 'who did what and when' it doesn't help to move forward.

Be peaceful,

 

[DarkSoul999]

@Roseonathorn - This has clearly touched a nerve with you, for that I am sorry, but you are getting the order of events wrong; first, she is in my bed, with another man on her - first incident, well before we were married. Regarding the violence; I'm not talking about 'threats' I'm talking about actual physical violence and a miracle I survived one incident - to be pushed from as far high up as I was, it was blind luck I survived. There was year after year of taunts, threats to leave, screaming, swearing, emotional and physical abuse, and, the lies she was saying to people lies were that I'd been abusing and mistreating her. Additionally then her year of investment in another man. My "kiss" happened after 9 years of that sustained behaviour, she had refused communication. You need to clearly understand, that her behaviour, was not in response to anything I had done. You also need to understand, I'm not excusing my "kiss".

We're trying to move forward, both of us. I'm hear only asking for pray and thoughts, nothing else. I'm sorry if this has touched a nerve with you and no, I will not "Google" about cheating.

Be peaceful,

Trust your own instincts, not the opinions of very spoiled and sheltered people on the internet.

If you strongly suspect that you are dealing with true evil then you quite simply are!

 

[cdtaylor]

This is not the place this should be posted. I can not say it any better ' counseling with a licensed couples". We can agree and pray for both in Jesus name. You BOTH need to go see talk with someone that LOVES the lord. Praying for you both

Thank you, all we ask, if you can spare a few minutes, to just pray for us that is everything we could ask for and more. We're trying to find Christian counselling right now, and we want to move forward.

Godbless.

 

[Sam91]

Thank you, all we ask, if you can spare a few minutes, to just pray for us that is everything we could ask for and more. We're trying to find Christian counselling right now, and we want to move forward.

Godbless.

You said the violence had stopped 9 or 7 years ago?

 

[aiki]

At this "road to damascus moment", she says she now understands why I questioned her faithfulness, and also understands the many reasons I don't trust her anymore, that you can't "unsay" things and the way she has treated me.

No, you can't change the past. But, you can choose whether or not you drag it into the present. Forgiving means that you don't see the person you've forgiven always through the lens of their past bad behaviour. Forgiving means leaving the past in the past.

Has your wife actually admitted that she has done terrible wrong, both to you and to God, and asked both of you for forgiveness? Doing so very explicitly is important in healing things between you. And what about you? Are there things for which you need to ask God and your wife for forgiveness?

She accepts she never addressed any of our issues and violated our privacy in the worse may.

Does she admit that she was very wrong in doing so? Do you acknowledge that you should have set much better boundaries with her and maintained them especially when she tested them?

It's been emotionally and physically beat out of me.

It always takes time, sometimes years even, to heal from this sort of thing.

I know I should try, but just because "I know I should". I have prayed, and prayed, but nothing rekindles a "desire" or shred of feeling for her, apart from feeling sorry.

I don't see why strong desire for your wife should appear after so short a time. But regardless of what you may or may not feel, before God you don't have the freedom to "move on" to another woman.

I don't know what to do.

Love God with all your heart. Work to cultivate a deep love for Him. You'll find as you grow to love Him more and more, the capacity to love your wife well will also develop.

 

[dqhall]

Hi,

This is a bit of a long one. I asked similar before, but began suffering depression to the point I couldn't think to answer, and I apologise. I loved my wife unconditionally, did nothing to instigate our problems. She made a lot of bad choices (details below) she has done a 180 on truly attrotious behaviour and been the perfect; "dream wife" for nearly 5 months now, could not ask for more. I know it's right and proper I reciprocate, problem is, its like my heart isn't invested anymore. Catagorically; I did nothing to instigate this.


I've been with my wife for 17 years - married 11, (M37, F33), two children (3,7), Both Christian for 7 years, within a day or two of marriage she hit me, there were a few more serious incidents, (the second time, I nearly died due to the nature of the attack) over the first 4 years, but that has STOPPED; 7 years since violence stopped. Where we lived there is a cultural problem of domestic abuse against males - you are expected to "take it like a man". The kids are safe, and there is no further concern there.


After that, she was never there for me, in any way, never showed interest, and used to periodically dissapear up to friends she'd found on the internet with my kids, against my consent for a week at a time. Threat was "don't make me choose between you and them". Along with never emasculating me, running me down, I suffered 10 years of "you're useless", having untruths about me to mutual friends and swearing at me. At the "away" friends, she found a bloke friend and for about a year, wouldn't shut up to me about how awesome and great he was, most conversations he'd crop up, and so on. Including arranging and extra night attempting to spend time an evening with him (there's even more). Eventually I questioned her faithfulness, her reaction just radiated "busted", and was embaressing to watch - she won't confirm or deny anything. In the early days of our relationship, I had to endure even seeing her in my bed with another guy on her. I was threatened multiple times not to make her choose with her "away" friends.


About 18 months ago; I bumped in to a girl, 10 years younger than me, who fell for me (I didn't reallise it at first), wanted me and with big open arms wanted to provide the friendship, companionship and respect that my wife was not (note I haven't mentioned sex). I met her as a friend (innocently, with no idea about her feelings) twice, the second time, a kiss tht lasted about 10 seconds kiss sponaneusly happened. I backed off with "no, I know the Enemey when I see it." I cannot emphasis how crushed I felt "stopping" and repented.


The talking about me untruthfully took a turn for the worse when two women (ex-mutual friends) had bad experiences with ex-husbands, it hit a nerve with them and they made my life a misery fo nearly 2 years (its stopped now), I felt devastated about the untruths and breach of privacy, more than their treatment of me, the stuff that was said was sickening, I can never trust her again. Every single time, I peacefully tried to talk to her, I was screamed at, and my words were twisted and sent on to others.


At this "road to damascus moment", she says she now understands why I questioned her faithfulness, and also understands the many reasons I don't trust her anymore, that you can't "unsay" things and the way she has treated me. Full acceptand of why that other girl caught my attention. She accepts she never addressed any of our issues and violated our privacy in the worse may. She even accepts why I'm suspicous of the sudden change. She's been consistently "changed" for coming up to 4 months, and it is admirable (I'm not sure she is still Christian), but it's like my body isn't emotionally invested and has 'checked out' - (does that mean anything?) It's been emotionally and physically beat out of me. I know I should try, but just because "I know I should". I have prayed, and prayed, but nothing rekindles a "desire" or shred of feeling for her, apart from feeling sorry. I don't know what to do. I forgive her, thats not the issue, I've prayed for forgiveness at being a hairs breath from adultery and to move forward.

As Christians, what would you say to each of us to get on track? If nothing, please just pray for us.

Thanks all, and God Bless,

If your wife is a better friend now than ever before, there might be a chance for your marriage. If you can find ways to help each other, that might restore your trust in each other. It is expensive living separated with children. Alimony, child support and child care are all expensive.

Some marriages can not be saved. An acquaintance of mine went through an $80,000 contested divorce when his wife spread vicious rumors about him and left him to return to a previous husband. He was able to get custody of his daughter as he had her diary and details of her conspiracy to marry him for citizenship then divorce and return to her foreign husband.

 

[Sketcher]

Abusive people can act better for a few months at a time. She needs to act better for more than a few months before you trust her again.

 

[Rescued One]

cdtaylor, rather than advise, I will pray for you and your wife.

 

[nChrist]

I will pray for you and your family, especially for the safety of your children.

 

[cdtaylor]

You said the violence had stopped 9 or 7 years ago?

Hi @Sam91

Yes, the physical violence had stopped a long time ago, but the emotional abuse and inapropriate behaviour with another man was right up till she changed recently. I've twice tried to make clear to @Roseonathorn that most of my wife's behaviour preceded the "kiss", as she seems to be very focused on suggesting that my "kiss" (which I fully accept is my responsibility) is the cause of her behaviour - if I'm reading her comments correctly.

It seems that maybe adultery could be a very raw nerve to her, I can almost feel the pain in her words. When I read words like that, the weakest part of me, that needs The Lord the most, feels like screaming "but she did..." - which helps no-one, because that's exactly what I'm trying to move away from.

Almost all of the people who have kindly replied here have been really amazing, yourself included.

 

[Roseonathorn]

Hi @Sam91

Yes, the physical violence had stopped a long time ago, but the emotional abuse and inapropriate behaviour with another man was right up till she changed recently. I've twice tried to make clear to @Roseonathorn that most of my wife's behaviour preceded the "kiss", as she seems to be very focused on suggesting that my "kiss" (which I fully accept is my responsibility) is the cause of her behaviour - if I'm reading her comments correctly.

It seems that maybe adultery could be a very raw nerve to her, I can almost feel the pain in her words. When I read words like that, the weakest part of me, that needs The Lord the most, feels like screaming "but she did..." - which helps no-one, because that's exactly what I'm trying to move away from.

Almost all of the people who have kindly replied here have been really amazing, yourself included.

Well, I might not be to much help but I once heard a mature woman say that couples grow out of old loves and She herself had to change as a person to match her husbands needs so She had had three different marriages on different levels with the same husband, in order to keep their marriage alive. But there are really things You might need to work on with some understanding therapist that You probably can not take up for the masses and discuss online whether She had or have psychophatic traits or not She is still a human and can and should control herself if She wants to and I believe there are tools to do so as well. Rage can be channelled into healthier ways than taking it out on people.

 

[cdtaylor]

I really wish I was exaggerating, I think if I was, that would defeat the point of coming to an anonymous forum in the first place. No, I've never fought her and I never intend to - I have always wished to lead by example, and have done, right up until very recently when I kissed that woman, and that's on my head. I've read what I have posted over and over, and what everyone else has, and maybe a mental health professional, would help matters, in addition to Christian Marriage counselling. Presently she is reasonable, and amenable, so if I set up the conversation thoughtfully, she may be open to it.

Addressing the actions has been a challenge, because there is always an "excuse" for each behaviour, and that lack of ownership doesn't help. @Roseonathorn - I didn't want to give specific details on this incident; there was no roof involved, it was a very high iron stairwell over a railway; public right of way, I was shoved, hard from the top. That has stopped a long, long time ago. I'm sorry, I just felt that I touched a nerve with you, and if you have been hurt or upset by anything you have read here, please accept my apologies.

 

[Sam91]

I really wish I was exaggerating, I think if I was, that would defeat the point of coming to an anonymous forum in the first place. No, I've never fought her and I never intend to - I have always wished to lead by example, and have done, right up until very recently when I kissed that woman, and that's on my head. I've read what I have posted over and over, and what everyone else has, and maybe a mental health professional, would help matters, in addition to Christian Marriage counselling. Presently she is reasonable, and amenable, so if I set up the conversation thoughtfully, she may be open to it.

Addressing the actions has been a challenge, because there is always an "excuse" for each behaviour, and that lack of ownership doesn't help. @Roseonathorn - I didn't want to give specific details on this incident; there was no roof involved, it was a very high iron stairwell over a railway; public right of way, I was shoved, hard from the top. That has stopped a long, long time ago. I'm sorry, I just felt that I touched a nerve with you, and if you have been hurt or upset by anything you have read here, please accept my apologies.

I haven't felt comfortable with my advice to you since last night. I was under the impression that much of the emotional abuse had also stopped a long time ago and that she had only been difficult and disharmonious until recently. I do not know what to suggest other than go to people who know what they are talking about both from a Christian and a mental health standpoint.

Will pray for you both.