Hi,
This is a bit of a long one. I asked similar before, but began suffering depression to the point I couldn't think to answer, and I apologise. I loved my wife unconditionally, did nothing to instigate our problems. She made a lot of bad choices (details below) she has done a 180 on truly attrotious behaviour and been the perfect; "dream wife" for nearly 5 months now, could not ask for more. I know it's right and proper I reciprocate, problem is, its like my heart isn't invested anymore. Catagorically; I did nothing to instigate this.
I've been with my wife for 17 years - married 11, (M37, F33), two children (3,7), Both Christian for 7 years, within a day or two of marriage she hit me, there were a few more serious incidents, (the second time, I nearly died due to the nature of the attack) over the first 4 years, but that has STOPPED; 7 years since violence stopped. Where we lived there is a cultural problem of domestic abuse against males - you are expected to "take it like a man". The kids are safe, and there is no further concern there.
After that, she was never there for me, in any way, never showed interest, and used to periodically dissapear up to friends she'd found on the internet with my kids, against my consent for a week at a time. Threat was "don't make me choose between you and them". Along with never emasculating me, running me down, I suffered 10 years of "you're useless", having untruths about me to mutual friends and swearing at me. At the "away" friends, she found a bloke friend and for about a year, wouldn't shut up to me about how awesome and great he was, most conversations he'd crop up, and so on. Including arranging and extra night attempting to spend time an evening with him (there's even more). Eventually I questioned her faithfulness, her reaction just radiated "busted", and was embaressing to watch - she won't confirm or deny anything. In the early days of our relationship, I had to endure even seeing her in my bed with another guy on her. I was threatened multiple times not to make her choose with her "away" friends.
About 18 months ago; I bumped in to a girl, 10 years younger than me, who fell for me (I didn't reallise it at first), wanted me and with big open arms wanted to provide the friendship, companionship and respect that my wife was not (note I haven't mentioned sex). I met her as a friend (innocently, with no idea about her feelings) twice, the second time, a kiss tht lasted about 10 seconds kiss sponaneusly happened. I backed off with "no, I know the Enemey when I see it." I cannot emphasis how crushed I felt "stopping" and repented.
The talking about me untruthfully took a turn for the worse when two women (ex-mutual friends) had bad experiences with ex-husbands, it hit a nerve with them and they made my life a misery fo nearly 2 years (its stopped now), I felt devastated about the untruths and breach of privacy, more than their treatment of me, the stuff that was said was sickening, I can never trust her again. Every single time, I peacefully tried to talk to her, I was screamed at, and my words were twisted and sent on to others.
At this "road to damascus moment", she says she now understands why I questioned her faithfulness, and also understands the many reasons I don't trust her anymore, that you can't "unsay" things and the way she has treated me. Full acceptand of why that other girl caught my attention. She accepts she never addressed any of our issues and violated our privacy in the worse may. She even accepts why I'm suspicous of the sudden change. She's been consistently "changed" for coming up to 4 months, and it is admirable (I'm not sure she is still Christian), but it's like my body isn't emotionally invested and has 'checked out' - (does that mean anything?) It's been emotionally and physically beat out of me. I know I should try, but just because "I know I should". I have prayed, and prayed, but nothing rekindles a "desire" or shred of feeling for her, apart from feeling sorry. I don't know what to do. I forgive her, thats not the issue, I've prayed for forgiveness at being a hairs breath from adultery and to move forward.
As Christians, what would you say to each of us to get on track? If nothing, please just pray for us.
Thanks all, and God Bless,
So wow... um... lots there. Sorry man.
First, I can't, and I doubt anyone else can give you a definitive answer on what you should do, because there is just so much there. We're looking dung pile, and we can only see what is on the upper surface of it. Without digging into this pile of poop, it would be hard to know how bad the smell really is.
That said, I can give some basic advice, and tell you that I wouldn't be in your situation. I personally would never be there. In fact I can tell you exactly what I would have done if she had 'gone to a friends' for weeks at a time. I would have been to the local hardware store, and picked up a bunch of door locks, and had all the locks on all the doors of the house changed, before she got back.
That woman would not be in my house ever again. Infidelity is the one clear cut justified reasons to divorce. She wants to live with someone else, they can keep her.
Maybe that simply makes you a better man than me. Perhaps... but it depends on forgiveness.
We all have to forgive. It's not an option for Christians like us. We must forgive. Does that mean we continue to live with abusive unfaithful people? No. Of course not.
I was taught since I was a child, that forgiveness, means releasing from repayment. You are owed something. Someone did you wrong, and now they owe you for that.
Forgiveness means, you release that person from their debt to you. It means you don't hold it over them, and remind them every day what horrible thing they did.
Now.... you have made the choice to stay with this woman. Again, I'll admit openly that I can't relate to this. I would never have stayed with such an awful and terrible person.
But you have made that choice. So now, you need to determine to forgive. Forgiving is somewhat easier if you had divorced them, and gotten rid of them, because you can let it go and wish them the best in whatever their future is.
But, you are part of her future, because you choose to stay. So you need to forgive, and let it go. And let me tell you brother, it's not going to be easy, because when you see her face, you'll see the face of the person who was so evil to you. And when you hear her voice, you'll hear the voice of the person saying all those cruel things.
I'm not trying to discourage you, but I'm also not going to white-wash this train wreck. You can do this. You can live the Christian life, and do what is right, and make it past this. It's just not going to be easy.
Finally, about this "rekindles a "desire" or shred of feeling for her".
This is a universal problem. This is true of the most faithful couples, just as much as couples like you and her.
Feelings do not last. They constantly have to be dealt with.
You can't live based on your feelings. You have to live based on what is right, and moral. You need to love your wife, whether you feel like it, or not. Whether you have 'desire' or 'feelings' or not.
You can't live based on how you feel. Do you know how many people would just not go to work for weeks at a time, if they lived based on how they feel?
No Olympic athlete would ever win a medal, if they only worked out and practiced when they felt like it.
And let me tell you brother, there isn't a single couple on the face of this Earth that would still be married, if they only loved their spouse when they felt like it. Nearly ever man or woman on the surface of G-d's green Earth, has had days were they wanted nothing more than to either strangle their spouse, or ditch them and disappear to another country.
Why do so many stay together when they feel that way? Because they didn't live based on how they felt, but rather on what was right.
I don't know if you will ever get that "feeling" back. What I do know is that you made the choice to stay, so you made the choice to love your wife. You need to follow through on your choice.
Love your wife, as best you can, whether you feel it, or not. You just need to do it, because it right, and what a Christian should do.
I actually heard a somewhat similar story from a woman. She came up with an odd solution that worked for her. She said every morning, "what would I do for my husband, if I actually loved my husband?". So each day she would do one little nice thing. In her own words, after practicing this for months, she suddenly found that her feelings of love returned to her.
Will that work for you? I have no idea, and I'm not going to pretend I know either way. Again.... the one thing in this entire story of yours that I know for certain, is that you made the choice to stay with your wife, so you need to love your wife. G-d be with you on this path.
