I cheated... feeling guilty

[Remorsefulboy]

Hi. Before I carry on, what I am about to say next is very sinful and will most likely draw alot of flak from everyone. I hope you will hear what I have to say, and give me (hopefully), a slightly more peaceful state of mind.

So, I cheated on my girlfriend of 3 years and counting, three times. She has forgiven me the first two times, but the third time, it was a moment of lust and I just couldn't control myself. I know, as a Christian, I should not give in to such moments, and should have stopped myself. But, the fact is the deed is done, and I am wondering what should my next course of action be.

I really love my girlfriend. She is the best for me, being there for me when I am emotionally hurt and everything. But, I just felt that there wasn't any physical intimacy at all. We haven't had sex (just putting this fact to clarify things up), and have been pure as much as possible. I am trying to find a way to live with this guilt, [staff edit]. I will work as hard as possible to make my girlfriend the happiest person alive.

I'm lost at a crossroad am I'm just wondering if anyone could tell me that even though I am keeping her in the dark about this 3rd cheating incident, but working as hard as possible to make her happy and prevent such things from happening again, (assuming it really never happens again, since I guess my words can't be trusted since it is the 3rd time happening), it would be the best case scenario?

 

[GirdYourLoins]

If you truly love your girlfriend and want to be with her I suggest you get married quickly. Be honest with her about it happening a third time and tell her that you choose her and want to marry her so she can be the one who satisfies you. If she understands it is happening because you are not being physically fulfilled in your relationship with her and you want to do the right thing to rectify that it may well work. Just make sure you dont cheat after you are married.

But you need to be sure that she has desires as well or you could find you end up with someone with a lower level of sexual desire which could result in you feeling unsatisfied if you get married and in the course of time feeling that you need more. I have counselled friends who have gone through that.

If you are compatible and she is prepared to forgive you and get married I would say do it straight away. I know what it is like to burn with desire although I never cheated on my wife once I was with her and we got married in well under a year of meeting.

You also need to deal with the consequences of your cheating. When you sleep with someone the two become one flesh. You need to fully repent and break the ties to the people you cheated with. There is a lot of teaching on "soul ties" which is a new name for dealing with ties or chains to the past. Google it and do some research of your own on it. Also if there are any issues in or ties to your past that need dealing with do it before going further with this relationship to ensure you are free to be completely with your girlfriend/wife.

 

[Saucy]

I don't know why you feel you have the right to continuously cheat on your girlfriend just because you want to have sex. What you need to do is grow up and be a man. You obviously can't be faithful and you don't deserve to have the girlfriend that you have. She's doing the right thing by not having sex until she's married and you've constantly broken that trust and her heart.

What happens if you two get married and the sex isn't always there? Are you going to keep cheating on her? Do you seriously have no self control? If that's the case, then leave your girl. She has an expectation of purity and you're totally violating that. Let her find a real guy who won't cheat on her.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Do you seriously have no self control? If that's the case, then leave your girl. She has an expectation of purity and you're totally violating that. Let her find a real guy who won't cheat on her.

Might come as a hard message but, there is the truth.

If we are going to be in a healthy relationship -- we need to grow up.
MB

 

[Remorsefulboy]

If you truly love your girlfriend and want to be with her I suggest you get married quickly. Be honest with her about it happening a third time and tell her that you choose her and want to marry her so she can be the one who satisfies you. If she understands it is happening because you are not being physically fulfilled in your relationship with her and you want to do the right thing to rectify that it may well work. Just make sure you dont cheat after you are married.

But you need to be sure that she has desires as well or you could find you end up with someone with a lower level of sexual desire which could result in you feeling unsatisfied if you get married and in the course of time feeling that you need more. I have counselled friends who have gone through that.

If you are compatible and she is prepared to forgive you and get married I would say do it straight away. I know what it is like to burn with desire although I never cheated on my wife once I was with her and we got married in well under a year of meeting.

You also need to deal with the consequences of your cheating. When you sleep with someone the two become one flesh. You need to fully repent and break the ties to the people you cheated with. There is a lot of teaching on "soul ties" which is a new name for dealing with ties or chains to the past. Google it and do some research of your own on it. Also if there are any issues in or ties to your past that need dealing with do it before going further with this relationship to ensure you are free to be completely with your girlfriend/wife.

Thank you for your advice. I will marry her as soon as possible, i know i really want her, and I know that in marriage she will be able to satisfy my desires. Do i really have to tell her because there is a high risk for a break up. i know this is really selfish of me but I really really do want her and it was moments of folly. I know these all sound like excuses, but sigh.

I don't know why you feel you have the right to continuously cheat on your girlfriend just because you want to have sex. What you need to do is grow up and be a man. You obviously can't be faithful and you don't deserve to have the girlfriend that you have. She's doing the right thing by not having sex until she's married and you've constantly broken that trust and her heart.

What happens if you two get married and the sex isn't always there? Are you going to keep cheating on her? Do you seriously have no self control? If that's the case, then leave your girl. She has an expectation of purity and you're totally violating that. Let her find a real guy who won't cheat on her.

Might come as a hard message but, there is the truth.

If we are going to be in a healthy relationship -- we need to grow up.
MB

Thank you for your straightforwardness and bluntness, i really needed this. I will work towards becoming a better person for sure. But is there anyway i could salvage this situation for the both of us to still end up together?

 

[Saucy]

It depends on if she forgives you for a third time, but if I was here, I wouldn't at all. She must really like you to have forgiven you. It's not even about rectifying the situation with her. You need to get on your knees before God and humble yourself. Change your ways. Rededicate yourself to Him. You may not be a virgin, but you can rededicate yourself to purity and following God's laws.

 

[salt-n-light]

I'll play nice.


1.Best case scenario, is to not leave her in the dark, and tell her. And face the consequences, confess to God and turn from it. Love operates in Truth not feelings.

2. There are reasons why the Word warn against sexual immoralities, it messes with us on a spiritual level that we do not understand.Get knowledgable on what they are, how they affect you, find the roots of it, and the next steps to overcome it whether or not she ends up staying with you. This will not only help you in your love life, but in every aspect, including understanding yourself.

I'll give you a head start. Read up on this article and meditate on the verses.

What is sexual immorality?

3. The least of your problems is this relationship, and the worst of your problems is your relationship with God. Forget how your gf sees you, we can fool man easily. Man can go away at any time. But we can't fool God, God doesn't go away. Take time to examine how you are walking with God and where your heart is. It's not enough to have the label and not know what we are standing for or the God we are dealing with. Use this as a learning experience to put God in control. And pray that your gf (if she is a believer) do the same.


Goal is not to win back your gf, you can't control that. Its to go back to operating under the will of God, and that you can do by putting God in control. This is where peace and joy lies.


Be encouraged.

 

[Remorsefulboy]

It depends on if she forgives you for a third time, but if I was here, I wouldn't at all. She must really like you to have forgiven you. It's not even about rectifying the situation with her. You need to get on your knees before God and humble yourself. Change your ways. Rededicate yourself to Him. You may not be a virgin, but you can rededicate yourself to purity and following God's laws.

But a confession to her is a must despite the risks of the relationship being gone? sorry if i am asking selfish questions. Thank you for your advice in the Godly ways. i will humble and change myself from now on.

 

[RaymondG]

Sometimes you have to love someone enough t0 let them go. If you love this girl like you say, you will let her go be with someone who is able to be faithful to her. Do you love her enough to feel that she deserves that? If so, stop preventing her from having it. Let her go. If you are meant to be with her, late on in life when you have had your full of other women, she will still be available. But at this time, you need to go get what you desire, and let her have what she desires.

 

[Remorsefulboy]

I'll play nice.


1.Best case scenario, is to not leave her in the dark, and tell her. And face the consequences, confess to God and turn from it. Love operates in Truth not feelings.

2. There are reasons why the Word warn against sexual immoralities, it messes with us on a spiritual level that we do not understand.Get knowledgable on what they are, how they affect you, find the roots of it, and the next steps to overcome it whether or not she ends up staying with you. This will not only help you in your love life, but in every aspect, including understanding yourself.

I'll give you a head start. Read up on this article and meditate on the verses.

What is sexual immorality?

3. The least of your problems is this relationship, and the worst of your problems is your relationship with God. Forget how your gf sees you, we can fool man easily. Man can go away at any time. But we can't fool God, God doesn't go away. Take time to examine how you are walking with God and where your heart is. It's not enough to have the label and not know what we are standing for or the God we are dealing with. Use this as a learning experience to put God in control. And pray that your gf (if she is a believer) do the same.


Goal is not to win back your gf, you can't control that. Its to go back to operating under the will of God, and that you can do by putting God in control. This is where peace and joy lies.


Be encouraged.

Thank you for pointing me towards the right direction. i will read up from there and pray to God for advice and the path from there on.

 

[ValleyGal]

You say you love your girlfriend. What exactly does that mean to you? Your "love" for her seems not to be enough to keep your eyes and hands off other women... is that what love is to you? Your "love" for her is less valuable to you than a temporary moment of release? I'm not an advocate of self-pleasure, but it would seem a better option than giving away to another woman, that which belongs to your wife when you get married.

And I disagree with the one poster here who states you should tell your girlfriend about the third affair and then ask her to marry you. That is putting all the responsibility for your infidelity onto your girlfriend. Instead, repent! That is, turn away from infidelity - learn to love what God loves (sexual purity) and hate what God hates (sexual sin). Then tell your girlfriend what you did for the third time, and do not make any excuses. Take full responsibility for the consequences - one of those consequences may very well be that your girlfriend is unwilling to put up with anymore infidelity and actually leave the relationship. She has that right, without being made to feel guilty or responsible for your sexual pleasure. That is not her job. IF she decides to stay with you, then prove yourself to her, that she will be able to trust you if you are to marry in the future. It may take 3 years to earn her trust back, but if you really do love her, then it will be up to you to earn her respect and prove that you will do anything for her - including denying self (sexual sin) and taking up your cross for her sake. Be willing and capable of dying to your temptations for her sake.

 

[Remorsefulboy]

You say you love your girlfriend. What exactly does that mean to you? Your "love" for her seems not to be enough to keep your eyes and hands off other women... is that what love is to you? Your "love" for her is less valuable to you than a temporary moment of release? I'm not an advocate of self-pleasure, but it would seem a better option than giving away to another woman, that which belongs to your wife when you get married.

And I disagree with the one poster here who states you should tell your girlfriend about the third affair and then ask her to marry you. That is putting all the responsibility for your infidelity onto your girlfriend. Instead, repent! That is, turn away from infidelity - learn to love what God loves (sexual purity) and hate what God hates (sexual sin). Then tell your girlfriend what you did for the third time, and do not make any excuses. Take full responsibility for the consequences - one of those consequences may very well be that your girlfriend is unwilling to put up with anymore infidelity and actually leave the relationship. She has that right, without being made to feel guilty or responsible for your sexual pleasure. That is not her job. IF she decides to stay with you, then prove yourself to her, that she will be able to trust you if you are to marry in the future. It may take 3 years to earn her trust back, but if you really do love her, then it will be up to you to earn her respect and prove that you will do anything for her - including denying self (sexual sin) and taking up your cross for her sake. Be willing and capable of dying to your temptations for her sake.

Thank you for your opinion and advice. A general piece of advice i have gathered, which i will do first is to repent to God and hate towards sexual sin. Grow up and be a man i should be to my girlfriend, and handle whatever happens next.

 

[salt-n-light]

I don't understand @GirdYourLoins logic at all, but please do not marry the girl. Marriage isn't a spur of the moment decision, and its not to be treated as a solution to ANYTHING.

It is a serious convanent between you, the future wife and God.

The foolishness....

 

[Remorsefulboy]

Please do not marry the girl. Marriage isn't a spur of the moment decision, and its not to be treated as a solution to ANYTHING.

The foolishness....

I am not going to marry the girl immediately just to make myself more dedicated to her. I am going to firstly repent, and change myself to the man she deserves.

 

[paul1149]

I think you need to tell her. If you don't, you're defrauding her of what she needs to know. And even if you were to marry, you will go forward into the future alone with this secret, and you therefore would be facing additional temptations alone as well. And we know how that has turned out.

Instead, go to her as the prodigal son did - humbly: I am not worthy, just let me be your friend. Release her from any obligation to you. Then, if she wants to keep the door open, to see if your repentance is real, she can do so freely. But you have no right to drag her through the mud due to past commitments, which you have annulled.

 

[Remorsefulboy]

I think you need to tell her. If you don't, you're defrauding her of what she needs to know. And even if you were to marry, you will go forward into the future alone with this secret, and you therefore would be facing additional temptations alone as well. And we know how that has turned out.

Instead, go to her as the prodigal son did - humbly: I am not worthy, just let me be your friend. Release her from any obligation to you. Then, if she wants to keep the door open, to see if your repentance is real, she can do so freely. But you have no right to drag her through the mud due to past commitments, which you have annulled.

Thank you for this perspective.

Hope that everyone who has commented on this thread, and future people who may comment on this, pray for me and my girlfriend, especially so much more for her.

 

[SeventyOne]

As a spouse who has been cheated on...

If you think a ring and a promise will cause you to definitely never do it a 4th time for as long as you live, then maybe get married. If you think that will be insufficient, then let her go. The pain of a cheating spouse doesn't end, and that trust is almost impossible to regain. Let her live her life without that.

 

[A_Thinker]

Hi. Before I carry on, what I am about to say next is very sinful and will most likely draw alot of flak from everyone. I hope you will hear what I have to say, and give me (hopefully), a slightly more peaceful state of mind.

So, I cheated on my girlfriend of 3 years and counting, three times. She has forgiven me the first two times, but the third time, it was a moment of lust and I just couldn't control myself. I know, as a Christian, I should not give in to such moments, and should have stopped myself. But, the fact is the deed is done, and I am wondering what should my next course of action be.

I really love my girlfriend. She is the best for me, being there for me when I am emotionally hurt and everything. But, I just felt that there wasn't any physical intimacy at all. We haven't had sex (just putting this fact to clarify things up), and have been pure as much as possible. I am trying to find a way to live with this guilt, [staff edit]. I will work as hard as possible to make my girlfriend the happiest person alive.

I'm lost at a crossroad am I'm just wondering if anyone could tell me that even though I am keeping her in the dark about this 3rd cheating incident, but working as hard as possible to make her happy and prevent such things from happening again, (assuming it really never happens again, since I guess my words can't be trusted since it is the 3rd time happening), it would be the best case scenario?

In addition to everything that's been said ... begin to implement some strategies to avoid placing yourself in temptation. This could be a first test of a commitment to faithfulness to your girlfriend. Some suggestions are, don't allow yourself to be in a situation alone with another woman. You also may need to cut off some of your associations/friendships with women other than your girlfriend. Begin to only see and present yourself as "off the market" and insist that others treat you that way. And, honestly, I don't know how you are maintaining any level of purity without any options for release (if, indeed, you are).

 

[Kenny'sID]

I'm not sure if it is convenient right now, but under the circumstances, maybe you should make marriage convenient because what you are doing evidently is not working at all.

Tell her what you did and that you want to marry her if she will still have you, so the temptation is no longer there. That's one quirky marriage proposal but that's your fault. I just hope she considers that it may not njust the sex, and you may have these tendencies after marriage.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh, what you did happens, and I do hope you are able to get control of yourself now, if you wait and after marriage if you do not wait.

I would also take a close look at my walk with God, since you are still doing the things you do.

 

[Remorsefulboy]

As a spouse who has been cheated on...

If you think a ring and a promise will cause you to definitely never do it a 4th time for as long as you live, then maybe get married. If you think that will be insufficient, then let her go. The pain of a cheating spouse doesn't end, and that trust is almost impossible to regain. Let her live her life without that.

Sorry to hear that. And i'm sorry that people like me exist. I hope you do find closure and move on if possible...

In addition to everything that's been said ... begin to implement some strategies to avoid placing yourself in temptation. This could be a first test of a commitment to faithfulness to your girlfriend. Some suggestions are, don't allow yourself to be in a situation alone with another woman. You also may need to cut off some of your associations/friendships with women other than your girlfriend. Begin to only see and present yourself as "off the market" and insist that others treat you that way. And, honestly, I don't know how you are maintaining any level of purity without any options for release (if, indeed, you are).

Yes. I have talked to a close friend since the original post and come up with certain strategies to prevent this from happening again. Have also told my girlfriend about this incident, and will share with her the strategies, in hopes that she will give me one last chance.

I'm not sure if it is convenient right now, but under the circumstances, maybe you should make marriage convenient because what you are doing evidently is not working at all.

Tell her what you did and that you want to marry her if she will still have you, so the temptation is no longer there. That's one quirky marriage proposal but that's your fault. I just hope she considers that it may not njust the sex, and you may have these tendencies after marriage.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh, what you did happens, and I do hope you are able to get control of yourself now, if you wait and after marriage if you do not wait.

I would also take a close look at my walk with God, since you are still doing the things you do.

Thank you for your advice and i will definitely take a closer look at my walk with God. I will re-evaluate my choices in life and look to God more, and to walk in Jesus Christ's footsteps more from now on.