I don't really know what to say other than I'm about to give up on God because I feel he has not chosen me and I'm not good enough for him. No matter what scriptures I read and no matter what people tell me, for some reason it doesn't change my mind. I have kind of accepted the fact that I will go to hell. It's not a good feeling and I've been crying almost all night thinking about it. I wish I could be close to God but I don't think he wants that.
When I try and seek God...nothing. And then people tell me I'm trying to hard that's why or I have too high of expectations. Then I stop trying so hard and lower my standards then fall away from God. It's like there's no medium. It kind of feels like I'm being tortured for something I did in a past life. I don't believe in past lives but that's the best way I can portray how I'm feeling.
At this point I wish I was never born. Whenever I read about the straight and narrow or that only a few will go to heaven and the rest to hell I can just picture myself burning forever. The other day I got into a bath that was too hot. And I sat in it wondering if this is how I'll feel when I'm in hell. It's really scary and my mind is being tortured constantly. But now I just accept that as my fate.
I feel God doesn't want me so what's the point of trying. And I know everyone's gonna say anything that goes against the Bible is of the devil, and I know that. But you try having these thoughts fill your mind everyday. You try having a relationship with God and not getting anywhere. The things God asks of us I can't do. I try but I don't succeed. I guess I'm just one that will never make it. I've been suppressing these feeling for so long because I wanted God so bad and I wanted to believe God wanted me but I'm just not chosen and that sucks.
When I try and seek God...nothing. And then people tell me I'm trying to hard that's why or I have too high of expectations. Then I stop trying so hard and lower my standards then fall away from God. It's like there's no medium. It kind of feels like I'm being tortured for something I did in a past life. I don't believe in past lives but that's the best way I can portray how I'm feeling.
At this point I wish I was never born. Whenever I read about the straight and narrow or that only a few will go to heaven and the rest to hell I can just picture myself burning forever. The other day I got into a bath that was too hot. And I sat in it wondering if this is how I'll feel when I'm in hell. It's really scary and my mind is being tortured constantly. But now I just accept that as my fate.
I feel God doesn't want me so what's the point of trying. And I know everyone's gonna say anything that goes against the Bible is of the devil, and I know that. But you try having these thoughts fill your mind everyday. You try having a relationship with God and not getting anywhere. The things God asks of us I can't do. I try but I don't succeed. I guess I'm just one that will never make it. I've been suppressing these feeling for so long because I wanted God so bad and I wanted to believe God wanted me but I'm just not chosen and that sucks.